[frank357]

I can't believe that I'm considering this. This might just be a cry for help, or maybe this is for the best. I have to be honest with myself, and I am really good at self-judging so I usually know what's going on in my head an why.

I still can't believe I'm posting this.

I'm a 26 year old father of a 5 year old son. The mother has totally not been in the picture at all past when my son was 2 weeks old. I have had help from my parents, but that has done nothing but put a strain on all of us.

I live by myself now, and I am really becoming stressed out. I find myself blaming the fact that I don't have a life on my kid. I've been shut out by friends, dates, and personal things, because of him.
I can't find a babysitter that I feel comfortable with, that I can afford.
I can't go out and meet new people, because I have a kid.
I've been turned down my women, because "I'm not ready to be a mother yet"
I can't go out and do things for me, because I have a kid.
I feel trapped in my apartment every night, because I can't leave because I have a kid.
etc.

This is not a healthy mindset to be in, I'm really disgusted with myself, and I can't seem to break out of it!

This is why I'm considering adoption for him. So he can be raised by someone who wants kids, who likes to be with kids and help them do kid things. I don't.

I know this probably sounds inhuman. I admit that, but this is the way I feel and I would rather do something about it now, then to let this sit and have it come out in other ways, like abuse.

thank you for you time.

[billysmommy]

First let me say this: If you truly feel that you may harm your child, please call for help.
Single parenting is hard (all parenting is hard), and I think even more difficult for a single father. My husband was a single father with a 5 year old when we met - we have been married for almost 12 years now. I moved in next door to him - "love thy neighbor" they say! You can meet someone in the most unexpected place....

As much as parents love their children, it is completely normal to want to be away from them at times. I am a stay at home mom, and wouldn't have it any other way, but it's difficult to not interact with adults all day!
Can you maybe hook up with some other single parents in your area and trade off babysitting so that you can each get some time to yourself? If you are involved in a church, perhaps someone would volunteer to give a hand... Have you looked into any of the state resources in your area?

Don't make a decision that you will regret for the rest of your life. Not raising your child will not make you any less of a father, it will just make you a father not raising his child.

Please seek out some help. I admire your courage in admitting that you need it.
Good Luck to you

[frank357]

I don't know if would truely "harm" him, but I seem to be over reacting to things he does wrong, and it is getting worse.

But that could just be stress.

But the biggest thing that I think why I'm here, is that I'm just not 'into' (for lack of a better word) being a parent. I ignore him way too much, and its affecting his growth. He's being made fun of in his school at the age of 5 because he's acting like a baby... this is not a good thing.

Even when I do work with him on something simple, like him writing his letters. When he doesn't get it, I get ovelry frustrated, and I start ignoring him again.

Is there something wrong with me?

[bromanchik]

It sounds like you are stressed out. Is there a wrap around program in your school system? Somewhere you can get family counseling? A lot of social service agencies have support for single parents. PM me with your city and state. I might be able to direct you to resources in your area.

[frank357]

I'm in London Ontario

[musemoon]

I'm a single mom. I know it's hard. I love being a parent...let me say that again. I LOVE BEING A PARENT...in fact I am adopting again soon. BUT...single parenting is hard, really hard and what suffers most is your time for yourself. I would suggest meeting other moms (if you haven't already) and really reaching out for some "you time" Check out if there is a "Mom's night out" group in your neighborhood, or try to swap with another single parent for "nights out" even over nights. Also 5 year olds are smart. They get it. Plan time together and and plan "alone time" just to get a break daily in your home where he can do some alone time and so can you. Try and contact a therapist, read (if you haven't already) about more affective parenting techniques.

If you put him up for adoption, which is your choice there are a few things to really consider. One....you sound like, even with the stress.... you love him, you may not think you are the Mother Teresa of all parents, but you seem like you love him. Can you really live without him forever? Are you okay with another family claiming him as their child. Are you okay with him calling another father "Daddy". Are you ready for the fact that you may or may not see him that often. Even in an open adoption, you may only see him four times (or less) a year. Are you okay with the fact that he will be hurt and angry and lost having to face the fact that he lived with you and was put up for adoption, that he may or may not feel that you didn't love him?

I just ask these hard questions I am sure you have asked yourself already just to ask them again. If the answer is "yes" then...pursue and adoption plan. If you answer "no" to any one of those questions...then try and reach out and find some help. I know I NEED help as a single parent...my sanity depends on it. It sometimes is very overwhelming, but I slog forward to find help because for my sanity and the sanity of the beautiful child I am raising, and my next beautiful baby....I simply must.

[lonni]

Do you have the big brother program there? Also, it is hard to enjoy parenting when you are overwhelmed.It sounds like stress to me.

[Juliana13]

Sounds like you need to get counseling and a good support group. Hopefully the counseling will help you identify resources and ways to cope and work with your situation, and help you work through your resentment of your situation. I have to say that it is good that you can look at your situation and see what some of the major stressor are, and take steps to deal with them before they ruin you and you hurt your son. (Not meaning just physically, but through neglect, lack of support, etc. - coming out in other ways, like you mentioned). It is hard to separate resentment for your situation from resentment toward your child. Counseling can help with that.

As another poster said, 5 year olds are smart. They pick up on things, and can work with you. He undoubtedly senses that he is the cause of your anger/stress. Heck, they think it's them even when it's not. My 5 year old is good at giving me space when I need it. And they understand a lot. He will be fine with you taking time out, for dating, time with friends, etc. as long as you give him positive attention when you are with him. The trick is to find a babysitter you are comfortable with. Local church groups, neighbors, etc. might be able to help with ideas of young women who live nearby. Ask other parents who live near you - like parents of his school/daycare classmates who they use. I recently moved to a new state, and felt trapped for several months (even WITH a spouse) - because we didn't have any babysitter ideas or a friend support system in place for kid-swapping for free time. I can imagine it is so much more intense when you are single. Plus, you are at a point in your life when you need to be able to get out there and have friends and adult relationships. (I don't mean just intimacy, I mean adult conversations, adult activities, time away from children.)

Adoption is a permanent thing. It's forever. It's not just getting someone to help with your son. It's not just someone parenting your son until he is an adult, then he's your son again. It's forever. And if you choose that option, you may or may not have any kind of positive relationship with your son, ever again. And it's pretty safe to say that he will have issues and be hurt by the decision. That does not mean it will not be better for him in the long run, but there will be issues. However, as his father, you are the one who gets to decide what is best for him. If you cannot parent him effectively or safely, then you need to change things. Maybe it's by getting the support and counseling you need, or maybe he needs a different home.

None of use can tell you what to do. Follow your heart. Adoption does happen with older children, and it can be sucessful and a healthy thing for the child. I am not a fan of totally open adoptions, but in your case IF you choose adoption, I would definitely choose open adoption, so you can have contact, and continue to be a support to your son. - to answer questions, to show him you still love him, etc.

I wish I could be more help to you. Good luck, this is a tough one.

[EZ2Luv]

First of all I would like to commend you on parenting your son for the last 5 years. I don't know too many 21 yr old men that would have stepped up to the plate and taken on single parenting. So that in it self shows me that you are a good responsible person.

I also do not think you would harm your boy because you are abe to indentify that your frustration level has increased and you know something is not quite right. I honestly beive that this is just a case of being overwhelmed and you keed some help and coping stategies. I echo what other say about counselling and seeking out avavilable resourses in your area to assist you. I am in MA, but if I were closer I would offer to take your boy and baby sit to give you a break. Sounds like you are needing some time foryourself. "Me Time" to destress and just relax, kind of like "Calgon, take me away".

It is often said, that the best parent is a happy parent. This is true for all caregivers. How can we care for others and give so much of ourselves when we cannot care for ouselves? I hope hat made sense. anyway, where I live there is a program called Foster Grandparents,which is like Big Brothers maybe you might want to looking to that type of thing. You are spreading yourself thin and need some relief. Does your church ofer afterscool programs or activities where you could get some free time for yourself?

Hang in there(I know easier said than done) I know you feel trapped, but at least you recognize this and that is the first step to getting the help you need.

God Bless,
EZ

[frank357]

I wouldn't commend me on my parenting thus far

For the first 4 years of his life, he was basically raised by my parents. I was in a depressed rut and I can't remember what he was like growing up. I have no happy memories of my son from that time. Which really really scares me.

I'll go to a councilor, see if I can get some time off and see if I can .... "get happy" so I can be a good parent and I'll take it from there.

I want to do whats best for him, and I don't know what that is. To be raise by his real dad who could resent having him for the rest of his life, or being raise by a 'dad' and a 'mom' who actually WANTS kids.

[bethy724]

I think you sould get some help from social services. You are neglecting your son & aware of it - ignoring him is neglect-if he has been with your parents for 4 years & with you for one year he could be confused & regressing into baby behavior. If he is 5 years old & doesn't know his letters it he needs attention from an adult & you've come to terms that you don't want to do it-it is honorable that you came her for guidence but it is a decision you have to make & live with. Good luck - you can love your sone enough to provide him with a great life either with you (it doesnt' sound like your up for it) or giving him a family thru adoption.

[ourdreamcametru]

Just wanted to let you know I am praying for you! Also wanted to let you know that being a parent, single or married, is HARD, the hardest thing I have done in my entire life and harder than I ever imagined it would be. Our children are 17,13 and 3 and it doesn't get any easier, each one is so different that something learned with one is totally different with the next. That said, parenting has been the single most amazing thing I have ever done!!!!! I love my children beyond measure and because you have taken 5 years of your life so far for your son, with help from your parents, I think you should consider seeking help WITH your son before you consider adoption. If you think it's hard living with a child, try living without one that has been in your life, your own flesh and blood. I am not a first mother but my three year old daughter's firstmother suffers daily even though she is happy with her adoption plan for her daugher, we talk often, visit and send picture, email etc but it's still the hardest thing she has ever done. Raising a child is for a very short time in your life and then they are grown, trust me I know. If you were to place your son then you would have to live with this decision for the rest of your life. You will still be a father and will still have to explain this to the women in your life. In the end you have to do what is best for you and what you feel is best for your son but think about it hard first! Good luck.
Kelley

[musemoon]

After reading the original poster's reply to comments, I believe that contacting social services is probably your next step. They can help guide you through counseling and get someone who can talk with you. Your child may be removed to foster care and from there after receiving counseling it can be determined if an adoption plan is the best choice for your son. It's admirable that you know your son deserves a loving, devoted parent and while this will be hard on him, the most important thing is that he feel loved.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by frank357

I wouldn't commend me on my parenting thus far. For the first 4 years of his life, he was basically raised by my parents. I was in a depressed rut and I can't remember what he was like growing up. I have no happy memories of my son from that time. Which really really scares me.

I'll go to a councilor, see if I can get some time off and see if I can .... "get happy" so I can be a good parent and I'll take it from there.I want to do whats best for him, and I don't know what that is. To be raise by his real dad who could resent having him for the rest of his life, or being raise by a 'dad' and a 'mom' who actually WANTS kids.

If your son is growing up alongside you rather than with you, and your parents were raising him for the first 4 years of his life, that still gives your son his identity. He knows whom his grandparents are and he knows who his father is. Don't underestimate how important that is in a childs life. Its no secret that certain countries do not allow adoption, fostering may be, but Arabia and France for example realise the importance of heritage and roots. Adoptees growing up not knowing their roots, whom they take after, etc, have huge problems across the board. Yes there are some that are ok, but many are not. This website is testimony to it. Also your son is used to your being about, albeit via his grandparents. If they are happy to help, make the most of it, perhaps they or others can help out when you need a break from parenting. That happens even when it involves couples.

Take heart in the following example I am about to give you. My friend's daughter was pregnant and messed about with drugs and dealing. She went to South America and was caught and jailed for attempting to carry drugs into that country. Whilst her son was young she spent 4 years in a jail that was so awful, I think PTSD would be a fair enough description of how she returned. In the meantime her mother (my friend) raised her grandson for six years. He grew up knowing who he was and who his family was. The amount of problems that adoptees grow up with not knowing who they are related to and it causing complex defense mechanisms (my son is loaded with them, we met after 28 years apart last year) is unbelievable.

I've seen this young man cry out in pain because he doesn't know who his father is. His mother has been detached from him and not been a mother for the entire time of his life, because she left it to her mother, the child's grandmother, to raise him - they all lived in the same house until recently. However, I feel he has grown up reasonably well adjusted, a darn sight better than my own son, despite his privileged background and a 'stable' family. Emotionally my son is in a mess with so many defenses, it stops us being mother and son reunited. Everything is at a distance and it breaks my heart... and his.

I, like you, at first felt suffocated with being tied down to this child that I tried to raise. I had no help from any family and I commend your parents for helping. Closed adoption for me was a severe answer to a short term problem that may have been overcome if I'd have received the help I needed. I gave up when he was six months for reasons I haven't time to go into and don't want to distract from your situation. Believe me, the emotions I've seen on this forum in just the past week with fathers of children that have been adopted has made me cry - a lot, inside. I would hate to think that you would have your child adopted and suffer the same. Initially for me, there was huge relief upon having my son adopted. But as the years went by, it impacted on me in many ways.

There are an awful lot of suggestions in replies to your post here for you to try and don't feel that its the end of the road for you as an individual and as a father. There are plenty of fine women out there that would have enough love inside of them for both you and your son. It must be so hard for you to see the sun at the end of the dark tunnel. You have not spoken too much about why you feel so bad about life and why with your son with your parents you feel so 'distant' from him, perhaps you have things you need to work through, but I feel that the distancing yourself from him, is possibly the feeling trapped, and its not easy at your young age to want to give it up to parenting.

However, I still maintain there are many many organisations and hobbies, clubs etc that allow feelings to develop with someone worthwhile. I'm not sure where you are going to 'find' the person that would make life more worthwhile, and enjoy both you and your son, but its unlikely for example to be at the local disco. So without prying, but just trying to be helpful, please consider where you are going to attract possibly at the minute the wrong types. We all know that there are women and men that are just out for a good time and shallow in their approach to relationships. Is it possible (sorry, I hope not to be out of line here, but just offering some sincere thoughts for your situation) that you are hanging out in the type of arena that would attract such shallowness?

I find there are men who are very happy to combine parenting with their outlook on life. They are able to get babysitters and meet others with like interests and outlooks on life. Your outlook with a son cannot be reconciled with a single life, it does mean responsibility and thats hard, but that doesn't mean that you can't get out and about and enjoy things. I'm sure some counselling would help you adjust your outlook here so that you don't feel that being a father is the end of all things. When you arrive at a good place and your son looks in your eyes and you realise that you were glad to 'hang on in there', it may just make you feel it was worth it in the end.

There is certainly much more help available now than back in 1978 when I felt cornered and the responsibility and emotional strength needed was too demanding. With my background, I just didn't have that strength and I felt I would make a lousy mother. Imagine how I felt when my son at 28yrs said he hated growing up without me. I'm not saying these things to give you a guilt trip, just to outline that such a decision long term may make you feel absolutely awful, when all you may need is some encouragement, strength put your way and maybe even some romance to rekindle your self esteem and put some bounce into your step. We all need it.

Keep posting and I hope it helps to get various thoughts to help you in your decision. I hope its the right one for you with no regrets. I felt I made the right decision at the time, but it impacted on me for the rest of my life and affected my ability to have and keep a relationship with any significant other.

Hope I haven't depressed you, but hope there is something in there that will help. Its only suggestions, nothing is set in concrete. I wish I'd have had an open adoption with the lousy family I had that wouldn't help. You have two parents that will. Please do try to think of the impact giving up your son will have on you both.

said with love and much concern.

Janny

[Boulderbabe]

Single parenting is so, so hard. I love being a single mom, but even I lose it sometimes. I just want to be out of the house after 8 pm sometimes!! So I totally feel your pain.

I think you've got some issues that go beyond just needing some free time, but getting some "dad time" is a good start. Try calling your local YMCA or YWCA. They very often have a "parents night out" program that will let you put the little guy with a licensed caregiver on a Friday night while you go out.

Other ideas: Call some of your local childcare centers. Mine has a parents night out program where you can leave them 6-10 pm with licensed daycare workers, and it only costs fifteen bucks. Even kids not at the center are welcome.

Have you thought about checking out your local rec center or gym? You could get an hour or two to work out and sit in the hot tub and destress while he's in safe hands.

Good luck! I think you two should be together, and I hope you can make it work.