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  #1  
Old 05-19-2011, 05:18 PM
Ready4BMom Ready4BMom is offline
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Started search May '11-scared & excited-any advise?

At age 42, I am finally searching for my BMom...wanted to so many times, but didn't want to hurt my adoptive parents - even though we are not super close. I had a baby girl last year, and since she was born, I knew I had to search...for any information I can find regarding health & heritage - in addition to the fact that I do know my BMom has blue eyes - mine are brown and her Dad's are green. My baby Grace has blues, and it's so hard looking into them every day knowing they could my BMom's. I sent a letter and paperwork to LSS last week, and now I wait in line to hear something/anything. I am scared and excited. Anyone have any stories or advise? Kris

Last edited by Ready4BMom : 05-19-2011 at 05:21 PM.
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  #2  
Old 05-26-2011, 12:52 AM
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Scary and exciting sums it up pretty well. It was after my first child was born that I really began to think about the implications of being adopted. I got non-ID information that was really easy to piece together and come up with a name, but deciding what to do with that name was much harder, and still is five years later.
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  #3  
Old 05-26-2011, 07:03 AM
Ready4BMom Ready4BMom is offline
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Thanks for you reply! It's really nice to know your feelings are shared by someone in a similar situation. So, it sounds like you have not searched yet? Did your non-idenitfying info affect the decision? I have not received my NI Info, but there were descriptions of my BParents with the paperwork my adoptive parents gave me. I know BDad was 22 and "single and carefree" - speaks for itself - and info about his height and weight. My B-Mom was 19 and wanted two parents for the baby. So, basically I know why I was given up, and have no hard feelings, but for the first time, I am curious if either think of me on my BDay, if I have siblings, etc. I received a letter back from LSS that said my BMom has not updated my file since adoption. She may not want communication. We'll see...will you look for the person behind the name?
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Old 05-28-2011, 05:18 AM
jrainbow jrainbow is offline
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Good luck

As a reunited adoptee, I know it is a courageous decision to decide to search. I hope and pray that your search is short and that any reunion brings you joy. But we all know there could be other results. But, at a minimum, you should be able to get medical information for yourself and your child which should bring you some peace.

My children believed that my reunion was a nice thing for Mom but had no effect on their lives. When my daughter had a baby, she wrote to her birth grandparents to thank them for giving her baby a complete medical history. She had no idea how much that meant. My reunion changed my life, for the better.

During your search, try not to read anything into what your bmom did or didn't do. I know it is hard but it is not productive to make assumptions. In my case, my bmom was not computer literate and believed I had died. So she would never have searched. She also had no idea she could update files, even if she thought I was alive. Remember how young your birthmom was and that the thought at the time was to forget everything and it would all be ok.

Good luck and God Speed.

Jill
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  #5  
Old 05-30-2011, 12:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ready4BMom
Thanks for you reply! It's really nice to know your feelings are shared by someone in a similar situation. So, it sounds like you have not searched yet? Did your non-idenitfying info affect the decision? I have not received my NI Info, but there were descriptions of my BParents with the paperwork my adoptive parents gave me. I know BDad was 22 and "single and carefree" - speaks for itself - and info about his height and weight. My B-Mom was 19 and wanted two parents for the baby. So, basically I know why I was given up, and have no hard feelings, but for the first time, I am curious if either think of me on my BDay, if I have siblings, etc. I received a letter back from LSS that said my BMom has not updated my file since adoption. She may not want communication. We'll see...will you look for the person behind the name?

Kris-- I sent a letter to birth mother about a year ago, by certified mail; it was never signed for. Sent another, less personal, letter about seven months ago; still awaiting a response. Four or five years ago I was in contact with a confidential intermediary who specialized in helping Native American adoptees, but I backed out at that time. I'm thinking of trying to contact her again.

Regarding your speculation on your birth mother's thinking, have you read the book "The Girls Who Went Away"? That book spurred my attempt at reaching out to my birth mother. --Mike
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  #6  
Old 05-30-2011, 04:58 PM
Ready4BMom Ready4BMom is offline
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Jill, I just read your story and my heart hurts. I am so sorry about your BMom's accident, and that her life on earth was ended early. I am thankful you got to know her and that you had time together - that you both enjoyed. That is such a special gift!
You are right - if I am not as fortunate, I may still be able to learn information for me and my family, and that would be a great blessing. I have a tendency to be a little guarded unfortunately, because my relationship with my AMom is not good, and I have been hurt a lot. I would love nothing more than to have a friendship/relationship with my BMom, and am well aware of the other - not so wonderful - possible outcomes....Again, thank you for your support and words of encouragement!
Kris
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  #7  
Old 05-31-2011, 07:27 AM
Ready4BMom Ready4BMom is offline
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Mike, I am sorry you have not gotten a response yet. The intermediary may help start communication. I will have one from LSS, too. Hopefully, she will be able to get some information even if my BMom does not want to communicate.
I have not read, "The Girls Who Went Away". My daughter and I go to the Library on Wednesdays for her "Story Time" - I am going to see if they have it. Thanks!!! Kris
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  #8  
Old 05-31-2011, 09:10 AM
Ready4BMom Ready4BMom is offline
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I went to my library's website, and they do not have, "The Girls Who Went Away", so I just ordered it online from Barnes & Noble. I look forward to reading it -thanks again for the suggestion, Mike!
Kris
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  #9  
Old 05-31-2011, 01:16 PM
PatrickEH PatrickEH is offline
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One of the best things I can offer is patience...when dealing with gov't agencies, things will be slow. I finally got the information on mine pertaining to contact...it's been almost two months since I sent in the form. If you can get the NI info directly from the placement agency, I'd recommend that.
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  #10  
Old 06-01-2011, 06:55 AM
Ready4BMom Ready4BMom is offline
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Thanks for your recommendation. I am understanding that this is not a quick process. I was going to petition the courts for my information, but decided to pay the $750.00 and go through Lutheran Social Services. I am now on a 3-4 month waiting list, before I even speak with a social worker. I was so excited to get moving, after I sat my AParents down and told them I was going to search...had no idea it would take this long. Good luck - would love to hear any updates! Kris
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  #11  
Old 06-13-2011, 08:23 AM
Ready4BMom Ready4BMom is offline
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Hi Mike,
I ordered the book, "The Girls Who Went Away", and have such a hard time putting it down. I am about half way through, and it is so compelling, heartbreaking for the women, and very interesting how all aspects of the society during the 1950s - 1970s attributed to the realization that these women were "sent away", and had to live with the horror they experienced when their babies were taken from them.
The book has already changed my outlook into what the circumstances could have been from my BMom. I have referred the book to my Cousin's wife, whose Mother had a baby girl at age 14 and was given up for adoption. Thank you so much for telling me about the book!!! Kris
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  #12  
Old 06-15-2011, 10:54 PM
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Yes, a real eye-opener. Even if individual circumstances varied, the whole mindset of that era must have made things unbearable.
And it gives a new perspective to being patient while waiting for answers....
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  #13  
Old 08-19-2011, 10:24 PM
Ready4BMom Ready4BMom is offline
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Just a quick update...
I was on a waiting list for two months before LSS started the search for my Birth Mother. I recieved a call from my case worker on Monday (8-15), and she just gotten off of the phone with my Birth Mother. It was an amazing, wonderful day! I learned that my BMom is alive and wants contact - in time. Mike, my BMom's story is similar to those in, "The Girls Who Went Away".....she was 19 (BDad was 24 and "single and carefree"), and did not know how she would be able to care for a baby by herself. Her dad was an alcoholic and her homelife was very unpleasant. She was "sent away" to have me. My BMom said she has loved me every day since she found out she was pregnant. She did not see me after the birth because she knew she would not let me go. Interestingly, my BFather did see me. My BMom has been married to the same man for a long time, and he knows about me. They have a son (two years younger than me) who does not know. Surrendering me has been a central issue in her life. She has had a lot of guilt and sadness. She said she wanted to contact me for years, but was afraid I would hate her. She is thankful I searched for her, and it has helped to give her some peace....The letter I wrote her was sent to her on Monday, and now the ball is in her court. I will wait until she is ready for contact, although waiting is so hard - especially knowing all that I know now.
When I was told all of this over the phone on Monday, I did not have any emotion - I was in shock. There is no way I was even going to consider that my BMom was alive - much less loved me and wanted contact eventually. When I got off of the phone - I could not stop crying. I cried because I have never - in 42 years -cried about being adopted. Not when other kids were cruel about it - not when I was going through a divorce and my Adoptive Mom insisted on going over the family tree with my Aunt, Uncle, and Cousins during a visit with them (wow - that hurt), and not growing up with neither of my adoptive parents telling me they loved me. So, I cried all day - the kind of crying from the gut when you have to stop yourself to breath. It was good and needed.
I already feel blessed because I know my BMom loved me, and I know she has gotten some pease - two wonderful gifts...Kris
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  #14  
Old 08-21-2011, 11:26 PM
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Mallon Mallon is offline
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Wow. Awesome!
Keep us posted.
I get the shock thing. The crying part is probably part of what keeps me willing to wait faux-patiently.
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  #15  
Old 08-22-2011, 11:32 AM
Ready4BMom Ready4BMom is offline
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Thank you - I will :0)
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