[KittyMay]

This week I found my birth family via an e-mail that was replied to. It was/is an emotional week. A reunion is in the works for next month. I found out that I have sisters and that the entire family has been searching fo me for over 25 years. It has greatly affected their lives, and especially my birth mother who had no other children (Sisters are on birth father's side). I'm glad I found them and look forward to meeting them, but I am very close with my parents. My parents will always be my parents and I'd like some advice on how reconcile my feelings that I'm hurting them versus the need to know about my birth family. My mom has been great, even gathering pictures for me to send to my birth mother. I have such mixed feelings, I love them so very much how do I balance a whole, new other family with my parents. I am in my late 40's and an only child. Any advice would be appreciated.

[bobd]

Kitty,

First off a great big congrats! I am an adoptee in reunion of sorts. It is understandable that you feel the way you do about the effects this will have on you aparents especially since you are close to them. Reunion is especially hard when your adoption experience was good. The only advice I can tell you is to reassure your aparents that your bparents are not going to take their place ever! They were the ones that raised you that can never be taken away from them but there are things that your bparents have given you too so it would be nice to see who you look like, who's personnality you most resemble and medical history. It is nice to see your amom has been supportive of you in this whole thing. All I can say is reassure her of you love for her and your adad. I want you to know there is room for both sides in this. I hope your aparents will understand that. Explain that to your aparents and continue to reassure them that you aren't going anywhere. Just as most adoptees need reassurance that they are wanted so does your aparents. Anyway this is an exciting time for all of you. It is also a very emotional time so take it one step at a time. It is llike taking your first steps as a child slow and easy. Are your aparents going to go with you to see them? Well I hope this helps a little. Please keep us informed on how things are going. Take Care and God Bless all of you!

[bobd]

Kitty,

A great big Congrats to you! I am an adoptee in reunion. This is a very exciting time for all of you. I understand your apprehension especially since you got along well with your aparents. The only advice I can give is to to your time with this. Reassure you aparents the you bparent and family are not going to take their place but to enhance what you already have with them. Just one more aspect in you life. Your aprents are the ones who raised you but in saying that you bparents also gave you something very important and that is life. They gave you your physical features, intelligence, personality although some of that comes from the environment you grew up in and medical history. There is room for both sets of parents in this. I hope your aparents will understand that. I am glad that your amom has been supportive in this because it makes it easier on you if you don't have that pressure on you. Just continue to reassure her you are not going anywhere. They need to know that too just as an adoptee needs to know they are wanted. Anyway I hope this helps. Please keep us informed on how things are going again remember this is a very emotional time for all of you so please take your time. Beleive me I made my share of mistakes in my reunion. Will be praying for all of you. Take care and God bless!

[KittyMay]

Bob,
Thank you for your kind words and great advice. Yes I have reassured them, and they seem genuinely happy for me that I'm going to have my questions finally answered (they love me unconditionally, enough that if they were having emotions, I'd never know about them.. It's hard to "take my time" since my bsisters and bmom are so excited they are planning a family reunion asap. I'm ready for it, but if I may ask, what kind of mistakes did you make in your reunion? Thank you for your help, God bless!
Kitty

[ripples]

Originally Posted by bobd

Kitty,

A great big Congrats to you! I am an adoptee in reunion. This is a very exciting time for all of you. I understand your apprehension especially since you got along well with your aparents. The only advice I can give is to to your time with this. Reassure you aparents the you bparent and family are not going to take their place but to enhance what you already have with them. Just one more aspect in you life. Your aprents are the ones who raised you but in saying that you bparents also gave you something very important and that is life. They gave you your physical features, intelligence, personality although some of that comes from the environment you grew up in and medical history. There is room for both sets of parents in this. I hope your aparents will understand that. I am glad that your amom has been supportive in this because it makes it easier on you if you don't have that pressure on you. Just continue to reassure her you are not going anywhere. They need to know that too just as an adoptee needs to know they are wanted. Anyway I hope this helps. Please keep us informed on how things are going again remember this is a very emotional time for all of you so please take your time. Beleive me I made my share of mistakes in my reunion. Will be praying for all of you. Take care and God bless!

A great big congrats to you! And I totally agree with what bobd wrote. I'm of the full belief that just as parents can love several of their children, so can children love multiple (sets of) parents. Be ready for what many call an emotional rollercoaster. For starters, here's a blurb about the stages of reunion - I would totally agree with what's written: ~Relationship Stages After a Reunion

The reunion will likely bring up all kinds of emotions on all sides so go only as fast as the slowest person in the group. It might also help if you brought along a friend for support since the first meeting, especially if you're meeting all your birth family at once, may be very overwhelming. Plus, having a support person will help when you de-brief afterwards.

I also recommend the book, "Adoption and Recovery: Solving the Myster of Reunion".

All the best to you!

[bobd]

Well I knew the risks were great to be rejected by both baprents side. I think I went into it a bit too fast especially with my bmom. Once I got my non i.d. info which by the way took 30 years to find, long story. I don't think I allowed significant time for my bmom to process my contacting her. She identified herself right around the time I graduated high school but I never knew that until 4 years ago. Anyway I got to the point I needed to terminate contact with her because she was so angry and trying to break up my marriage. My bdad passed away in 2001 so I never had a chance to meet him but I do have contact with his side of the family even though it is an email once in a great while. I feel kinda at this point in life that what I truly want will never happen so I've started to move on. The biggest problem I had was dealing with the emotions I didn't expect. The anger that she showed I didn't expect and basically lost patience down the road. She did give me alot of info and pics which has helped to give me my biological identity but I realized I could never have a true relationship with her. I may attempt to reconnect someday but for right now I am leaving it alone. You will have issues with quilt for your aparents especially since you are close to them. You may find that you spend alot more time with your new found family at first that will cause some guilt issues. I beleive the age factor may play a part in how you feel at times. What I mean by that is the time it took for this to happen. Whether there is time to develop a relationship if that is what you want. I don't know if you've ever had any adoption related issues (abandonment, relationship, identity, self esteem) to name a few. If not consider yourself one of the fortunate ones. These may come into play even though you've never showed signs of them. Reunion brings out all kinds of emotions you never thought you had so be prepared. Reunion is a very emotional process and yes it is a process. I've known people in reunion for years that still have issues with abandonment, self esteem etc. I have gone through it but since you had a good relationship with your aparents you may not have to deal with those issues as much. It sounds like mostly identity, who you look like, character and such and that will clear up once you meet them. You may find jealousy may come into play as your reunion progresses especially with your bparents children. I hope that you will be accepted by all the family memebers but be prepared for resentment from b-relatives. As I said earlier it is very emotional. I am glad to hear that both your aparents and bparents are excited about this too that will help all of you settle down quickly. All I can say now is close your eyes take a deep breath and enjoy. Also as a group we are very supportive so you will get info from alot of people.

[KittyMay]

Ripples,
Thanks for the link to that article. It was very informative. I hope my situation is different in the fact that both sets of bgrandparents hired private detectives to find me, bsisters searched for 25 years and the entire extended family can't wait to meet me. My bsister told me that she's not letting me get away again. My bmother's life was profoundly affected by giving me up. She has had a life of deep depression and regret. She once knew where I used to live and came 800 miles to drive past the house but never saw a little girl outside. She is so happy right now. So is the rest of the family and there are multiple aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews awaiting my visit. My bmother never had any more children. There was not a day that went by that she didn't think of me. They had friends helping them in the search. And as I searched on my end not knowing I was being looked for I worried about rejection. There was none. I hope this is a good sign.
Kitty

[KittyMay]

Bob,
I'm so sorry what happened in your situation. I have to consider my lucky stars because my aparents are wonderful and supportive in this endeavor. My bmother, bsisters, etc, have all been searching for me for over 25 years. So here we have all parties as willing participants in this. I'm sure this will be an emotional rollercoaster.....just to know how this has profoundly impacted many lives is a load in itself. I don't have any of those issues with my parents (abandonment, relationship, identity) or my grandmother or an aunt. But the rest of my afamily let's just say I never really felt a part of it all, especially when talking about geneology or who has who's mouth, etc. That's been a difficult thing to cope with. Thank you for sharing your story Bob, I hope and pray it works out for you.
Kitty

[March23]

Congrats on the reunion!

I agree that you need to let your adoptive parents know that they can never be replaced. Though it's not an every day occurance that someone has two families, it can work.

Just make sure to keep the communication open. When I was found by my bmom, I was feeling a million different things (as we both know). And though my aparents are extremely supportive and understanding, I kept having this feeling that it was somehow hurting them. So I made a mistake by deciding to not talk about my bmom infront of them. It closed off our communication, and it closed them off to what I was really feeling. Later on it blew up into a huge cry fest where I was saying "I thought you didn't want to talk about it" and my amom was saying "I thought YOU didnt want to talk about it!"

We both were trying to give the other person space, but that was not the right thing to do. By me not opening up to her, she assumed I was just so happy talking with my bmom that I didn't have time for her anymore. This was SO NOT TRUE.

So keep that communication open, and let them in to whats going on. That was my experience.

Good luck!

[kune]

Kitty
I believe the most important thing you can do at the beginning of your reunion is talk about honesty and the need to be informed rather than "presumed" {if there is such a word}

If you don't hear from your bmom or bsisters for a week you will assume they are annoyed with you, or overwhelmed, or jelous or .. ?.. ?.. and you know, they will think the same if you are the one not responding. You will both be afriad of hurting the others feelings, and when fear creeps in, you assume the worst. Instead make a pact to ask the questions - to say "where have you been?" to ask if they are overwhelmed. If you can live your reunion in a state of honesty and reality, you will bond quicker and make positive steps forward to a lifetime relationship.

I remember reunion well - I'm nearing 60 years of age and can't remember another incident in my life that sent me into such an overwhelming tailspin. After the rollercoaster slowed I missed the excitement a little.
Enjoy the new emotions and sensations while they are with you, and be positive in mind and spirit.

Regards
Ann