[NewSister]

Friday, I discovered I have a sister. The sister I never knew I had has been searching for her mother her whole life. She was able to get the adoption agency to contact her mother in 1993, but her mother said being "found out" would "ruin her life". On a lark, she did a Google search, took a chance, and found me and my sister.

My sister and I are beyond excited to meet our long-lost sister and plan to do so as soon as possible. The issue is our mother. We haven't told her what we know. We are appalled that she rejected contact with her daughter in 1993. We cannot accept that she might continue to reject contact.

Any advice for breaking the news to her? Any advice for pushing for the reunion that all three of us feel is her obligation to us?

Our mother is already in fragile shape. How can we do this without risking her doing something dire? I will be going to all ends to ensure that she knows I love her no matter what. At the same time, she needs to know I require the truth no matter what. Truth is not something normally associated with my mother.

[bprice215]

Great that you guys are finally reunited, so sorry your mother is not as excited. Keep doing what your doing and tell your mother you know and tell her of your intended contact. Maybe she'll have a change of heart. Best of luck to you guys.
bprice215

[susanasully]

I feel for your long-lost sister. It must have been very difficult to deal with that refusal of contact.

It also makes me wonder why your Mom thinks contact with her would ruin her life. Perhaps the story is very sad and traumatic. If I were in your shoes, I'd try to keep that in mind. You say she is fragile. Perhaps that's for reasons you don't yet know... I would not push for any "obligatory reunion." If she can't get herself to have a relationship with your sister, there may be reasons why, devastating as that may be. And perhaps in time that will change, especially since the cat is out of the bag.

I hope you and your new sister can have a relationship with or without your Mom's consent - nobody can tell you who to have a relationship with, and an extra sister can be twice as nice! (I discovered I had couple of extra ones myself! :-)

[Oceans]

It could also be the case that what the agency said, was simply not true. I don't want to imply that all agencies do this but it wouldn't be the first time unfortunately.

It is a concern that your Mom is fragile. If you do decide to tell her, just be gentle (of course you would be) and give her plenty of opportunity to protect her dignity. If she did say "it will ruin her life" it may have been her concern for something that is no longer an issue. 15 years is a long time...

I understand honesty is needed but I have a hard time with an Agency that wouldn't soften the "ruin her life" message a bit... Makes me question them but that's another topic I suppose.

Congrats on your reunion!! Good luck!

[koonfamily]

If you didn't know she existed ... that's probably why your mom refused contact ... it has to be hard to tell children that they have an older sibling... so now that you know and are ok with the facts... she might be more open to meeting her.

I have 3 siblings that didn't know about me - Donna (my birth mom) is planning on how she is going to tell them about me.

[One_Happy_Momma]

How fragile is she??

When my cousin suddenly passed away last year, we all knew his mom (my aunt) would take it hard. She had a heart condition, amongst other things. Luckily for us, one of my other cousins had just given birth, and we told her that we were going to see the baby (her grandchild). We told her at the hospital, she did have a problem, but since the doctors and nurses were aware that she was about to receive bad news, they were ready for her. She did stay in the hospital for 5 days.

Congratulations on your new found sister!

[NewSister]

Thanks for the great advice.

My mother is alone now, having lost her husband to ALS a few years ago. She is fragile due to that and due to some financial difficulties. She has been severely depressed.

In 1993, her husband was still alive as was her mother. Now, who is to care that she "made a mistake" 49 years ago.

I was planning to sit my mother down, give her a glass of wine, and tell her what I know. I plan to tell her that I understand why she lied, but that now, truth is important. I love her no matter what. I know her "shame" is due to the fact that her parents' love for her was highly conditional and that she let them down and then they let her have it. I plan to do whatever I can to make sure she understands that the truth is necessary and totally okay.

I have been in contact with my new sister and am soooo delighted. I haven't met her in person, but look forward to doing so. I want to make up for my mother's rejection. I plan to accept whatever my sister is and to do my best to be a friend to her if she wants me.

I still want to force my mother to see her daughter. My other sister and her family and my kids and everyone wants a relationship with this lady. My mom would be the odd man out.

As for my mother's ruined "reputation", if she rejects her daughter now that we all know, I would say her reputation is for being a liar and cruel person. I hate to be so hard on her, but we love my mother flaws and all. We need her to step up to the truth.

I am telling my mother on a Thursday in May and have set up a meeting with my new sister on Saturday. Should I force my mother to go or to giver her the option, letting her know that me and my kids are going?

Also, I want to force my mother to give the father's name. This lady deserves an identity.

[curiositykitten]

When you say force, what do you mean, are you going to threaten her or push her into confronting something that she might not be ready to confront?

You are right, your sister deserves a family and deserves to know her history and identity but if this is a secret that your mother has kept for all these years forcing her to face it suddenly might not be a great idea for anyone involved.

I think that you need to give your mother options, time to adjust to knowing that you know, so that the situation is good for everyone involved.

I think that it will be especially good for her to know that you are understanding and love her no matter what and I hope that will help a lot.

I wish you all good luck!

[susanasully]

I really feel like you will not be able to "force" her to have a relationship she isn't ready to have. You might need to finesse this a little more smoothly to be successful. I think you can definitely tell her you want her to go, and, together with your other sibling, can tell her that all of you agre on that point... but sometimes if a person is pushed into a corner, they won't back down no matter what. I have a feeling if you tell her on Thursday that you're seeing your sister on Saturday, your Mom may not be ready to go. She may refuse. But she will likely spend all day Saturday wondering what's happening and dying to know...and that might help give her that push to go see her the next time you go.

Of course, you know your Mom the best, so how you approach her is your decision. Just think about yoru ultimate goal and the best way to achieve it.

And I agree 100% she must provide the name of the father. It's just plain wrong not to. I can only think of one situation when it wouldn't be wrong, and that's if she was raped and doesn't know. Horrible to think of, but it is a possibility.

I really wish you well with this and hope your Mom can find some peace...and hopefully the truth will come out.

[dpen6]

I do not think you should force your mother into anything. I think ou should enjoy your relationship with your sister, tell her medical info, heritage ect. Get to know each other.

with that being said, at some point your mother needs to know this is happening but she needs to react to it any way that works for her.I t might be true that the timining is right for her and it may not be. As an adoptte I have never been a proponant of forcing relationships on either side. It really can destroy one or the other. As long as the adoptee is getting the info she needs from someone in her adoptive family then I beleive that everyone just needs to be patient andlet whomever ishaving the most difficulty be able to process and assimualte.

I would tell her very gentally that you have met someone that you like very much and might be related..as in my sister. I wanted to let you know as not to have any secrets. If you don't want to talk about it just yet thats ok...I will be hre to listen. Let her know their is no judgemnt on anyone part and that you love her just the same. ect ect

[NewSister]

Thank you for your good advice.

By forcing, I meant telling my mother I needed her to meet her daughter. From what all you posters have said, that is not the best idea. I have contacted some psychologists, too, and they all agree forcing is a bad idea.

Right now, I intend to tell my mother on Thursday and let her know that I will be meeting my sister Saturday. She can come or not come. I will not force or even encourage her. Everyone has said I need to let her be completely free to do as she wants.

This child she gave up was not the product of rape. She at first claimed rape the the agency that called her, but backed down from that story. I think I know who it was. I believe it is someone she was engaged to and who ended up marrying a girl his family had picked for him. My mother either got pregnant to force his choice or got pregnant by accident and was surprised when he subsequently broke off the engagement. Either way, I know my grandparents gave her hell and forced her to put the baby up for adoption. She held on to this little girl 7 days before she was taken from her. And the baby was handed off to strangers in a hotel room. My mother didn't sign adoption papers until two years later, about a month before marrying my father. She might feel shame, guilt, and a very profound sense of loss, which is why she has kept this buried. I started out angry about the secret, but now feel very protective of my mother and my new sister. I want to make sure the secret comes out in a non-threatening and very loving/supportive way.

Thank you thank you thank you to all who have contributed advice.

Are there any moms out there who didn't want to be found, but when finally approached, came around to the idea? What helped them open their hearts?

[dpen6]

So, How did it go? Is every one doing ok?