[dawnreneeo]

I have been on here just looking,over the past couple years.Never really found any information on my biological family.I was put up for adoption at birth,and I have always known that.I figured I'd find them one day or I wouldn't.I had nothing much to go on,because it was closed,I am almost 34 years old,and live in a state that won't tell you anything just because you're 18.My adopted parents are the best,so whatever happens,I will always be grateful to them.A week or so ago I got papers that were to be non'identifying information,but we could see my birth father's name.So,with the other things we could see,it wasn't hard to put it together and find him.It only took 2 days.Now,we've emailed and spoke.It still feels strange.It's exciting,but strange.Will the weirdness of it go away.I hope.He says he thinks it will after we meet,but I'm not sure.I don't know when I want to meet.If he were close,I probably would've met him already,but he's not.So,that is allowing me to drag my heels.Any input at all is appreciated and needed!Thanks,Dawn.

[beulahcarol]

DawnReneeo,

I just read your thread and feel some similarities in what you are saying here. I am much older than yourself and had been searching for over 20 years most actively the past 3 years. I really didn't think I would find my birth mother since, like you, had little to nothing to go on since it was private without any gov't agencies including social services or any adoption agencies involved. I didn't really even know where my adoption took place since I was born in California and my adopted parents lived in Utah. 2 years ago I found a birth searcher who specialized in Utah/CA adoptions and she was able to find the court who finalized the adoption and also found my birth mother's name on an unpublished CA birth index. With that I wrote a letter and a request to the courts for a copy of my adoption decree. Her full name was on the decree which is unusual. Similar to your supposed non identifying info having your birth father's name.

And now you've located him. I say this to myself because it took 2 more years to find my birth mother and it was kind of by accident I found her 2 weeks ago, "be ready for what you ask for". Now I feel I'm on another quest, a different quest bringing up an entire new set of feelings. I was so excited initially that it looked like I had found her and when I located her brother and then spoke with him it was initially overwhelming. "It is exciting but strange", isn't it

Everyday I have a different set of feelings come up The best advise offered to me by the experts is go slow if you need to and be patient. Your birth father sounds very interested to meet you. One would think would be great, but just from concerns about my own pending reunion, some days I feel really gung ho and other days I want to hide my head in the sand.

We are some of the lucky ones who actually have been able to connect with our original family. Currently I'm trying to figure what all this means to me now and what I really want from my newly found birth family. I thought I knew but now I have to rethink it all.

It is very helpful to have family, especially adopted family and close friends who you can support you at this time. It sounds like you have that support!

Best Wishes
Carol

[healingfeeling]

Hi Dawn,


I met my birthfather a couple of months ago after not seeing him since I was 2 (25 years ago). I don't feel weird around him anymore! We talk on the phone a LOT so that helps to build the relationship. He lives 2700 miles away from me and I've already spent 8 days with him (2 seperate visits). We talk at least twice a day on the phone (just short phone calls) and that has really helped to break the awkwardness....plus the fact that we are so much alike personality wise.

I'm sure that you will feel comfortable soon enough...maybe not as comfortable as u are with your adad, but a different sort of relationship

Good luck and let us know when you decide to meet!

healingfeeling

[Toolate]

Hi Dawn,
I'm glad you found your bdad. I can tell you that the mind travels quickly in all directions and the anticipation can be overwhelming. If you stay in touch with your dad by writing, you may become closer emotionally with him and that could help relieve some of the tension you feel. Developing a relationship like that can also be satisfying until you do feel like you can meet him. It is a strange feeling. I wish you the very best!
Bob

[dawnreneeo]

Thanks to all of you who replied to me.It makes me feel better.Trying to decide all day whether I want to find birth mother,I'm thinking-take them one at a time!

[kakuehl]

Welcome to the rollercoaster! I am a bmom who found my bson about 7-8 months ago. It's quite a rollercoaster ride (emotionally) for all involved, I think. Everyone says - "Take it slow." Listen to yourself! You have to find the way that is right for you. "D" and I met f2f about 2 months after I first contacted his parents. (His step-son wrote me a thank you note for a present that said in part, "hope to meet you soon." Taking that as a sign, I invited the family to my house the Sunday before Thanksgiving. D got to meet his 1/2 siblings as well.) For us it has worked well. You, of course, will need to find your own way. D said when he came to visit the first time that he started to hyperventilate about a half mile from my house. When he got here, he didn't get out of the car for what seemed like ages! (Probably 5 minutes.) My daughter commented afterward that the whole meeting was much more comfortable than she had expected.

Blessings on your reunions -- all of you.
Kathy

[Toolate]

Hi Dawn,
Like Kakuehl says, we experience so many different emotions going through the reunion process. It is a rollercoaster ride. My experience was similiar to the one in her reply. On my way to my reunion with bsiblings and bcousins, I had to pull over to come to grips with the situation. I went alone and I DO NOT recommend doing that. I would have done anything to have had a friend with me. I remember thinking that while I was meeting everyone. After reuniting with my bmom's family (my bmom had died years ago), it took me ten months to decide to look for my bdad. I guess we decide when you decide. You'll know when the time is right. You don't have to follow any other agenda. Best wishes to you!
Bob

[dawnreneeo]

Originally Posted by Toolate

Hi Dawn,
Like Kakuehl says, we experience so many different emotions going through the reunion process. It is a rollercoaster ride. My experience was similiar to the one in her reply. On my way to my reunion with bsiblings and bcousins, I had to pull over to come to grips with the situation. I went alone and I DO NOT recommend doing that. I would have done anything to have had a friend with me. I remember thinking that while I was meeting everyone. After reuniting with my bmom's family (my bmom had died years ago), it took me ten months to decide to look for my bdad. I guess we decide when you decide. You'll know when the time is right. You don't have to follow any other agenda. Best wishes to you!
Bob

It really makes me feel a lot better to read from others' that have had the same and similar feelings.My family listens and they care,but you can tell they don't "get it".
You're right about the roller coaster.I'm almost 34,have known my whole life that I was adopted,and never thought much about it.I was curious,of course,but always thought it would be nice to know,but if I can't-so what.Then,about 2 months ago,someone called me because she thought she was my aunt.Turned out she wasn't,but it brought on this urgent feeling of need to know.It was all I could think about.
I can't know if I want a relationship with them,because I don't know them.I am trying to treat it as I would treat getting to know anyone new,but "hey,they give you away"is always in the back of my mind.Up and down,round and round.Trying to stay open minded,but afraid of getting hurt.Atleast I know more,would just be nice to get back to life without the fog I have in my head now.I am glad I decided to get on here.Everyone understands and it is a neutral ground.

[Toolate]

Hi Dawn,
I think the fear of getting hurt is something we deal with quite often. We are in a very vulnerable position and it's difficult to feel comfortable with that. We face the possibility of rejection and even the worst possible scenarios the cold truth can offer. Still we press on. I think we have to know. I'd rather be hurt knowing my family than not to take that chance and to continue to live without knowing them. Besides, I cherish the hope that a loving relationship will emerge. Hope is all we have to go on. I like to think that my mother acted in my best interest when she gave me up for adoption. I suppose some of that is a subconscious reaction to protect myself. I just can't see beyond that right now. I can imagine how you felt when you got a call from a possible aunt. You probably got an emotional jolt, but I can also see how it served as an incentive to becoming more active in your search. Something like that is very encouraging--to say the least. Please keep us infomed!
Bob

[dawnreneeo]

Ah!I found a thread on here for 2 people who help you look and one of them found my birthgrandmother!EEK.I didn't know it would happen so fast.She thinks she found bmother,too.Have to wait til she's done at work.Looks like I'm peaking the hill on the coaster again.Haven't caught my breath yet!How can something that was unknown forever just start popping up all over the place?This is soo exciting and my stomach feels like it is going to burst!

[dawnreneeo]

Well,the person who found birth-grandmother,spoke to her and called me back.bgrandmother said things to her that kind of bother me.I don't know when I will speak to bmom,no one has spoke with her yet.No call last night,but I'm sure they are a bit shocked.
What disturbed me is that she said things about bdad that made me feel defensive of him.She didn't really know him at all when he was with bmom,and doesn't know hoim now or anything about him.And yet just from what she told the third party,I think she will try to berade him as soon as I speak with her.
I don't know him well at all yet.But my instincts have always been pretty right on.I've spoke to other members of his family and friends.We have the same sense of humor,and when I found him he was delighted(his words).This maternal side however,is being stand offish,afraid of what I will say,and went on about she loved me and didn't want me given up,said my grandfather was a mean,abusive person and he made her-he is now deceased.I do not want to start off insinuating to them that they are going to lie to me,but somehow I want them to understand that I need the truth.I don't want them to blame a dead grandpa,try to sugar coat things.I can take whatever they say as long as it's the truth.I'm not used to having to be leary,or mistrustful.Well,I guess I take it slow and see what happens.

[kakuehl]

Remember the rollercoaster ride... this is a fast down! People deal with unexpected pregnancies in their families in differing ways. My parents would have little good to say about D's bfather because he "got me pregnant". They never met him. (I probably allowed them to believe I wasn't willing because it was easier than acknowledging to them that I was a willing participant!!) I remained in communication with "J" until he died from cancer almost 6 years ago. (My daughter was surprised to hear that she had met him when she was very small.)

The mother is often the one who bears the weight of public and family opinion. Especially for those of us who gave birth in the 70's - it was still scandalous if we weren't married. (Even though it's been happening since the beginning of time!) Parents really did put pressure on daughters to place the child, because "What would people say?" If the "man/boy who got my daughter pregnant" didn't step up to the plate and "make an honest woman of her" he was obviously no good. (Even if the couple themselves recognized that this was not a good solution to the situation.)

If they start to degrade your bdad to you, simply say, let's talk about something else... tell me stories of your childhood, or my bmom growing up, etc.

Recognise that your bmoms family may not think they're telling you lies. It may be how they see the whole picture. (Histories of the civil war are very different when written by the north (Rebellion) or the south (War of Northern Aggression) Often the truth lies somewhere between the stories.

Also, you are getting to know your bfather as he is now. He's not the same person he was when you were born. "J" told me one time that he had finally decided that it was ok to be who he was rather than the person other people expected him to be. He was in his late 30's at the time. And of course, I'm not the same as I was when I gave birth to D at age 21.

Life is a journey that includes growth and change without the rollercoaster of adoption added to the mix.

Blessings on your journey,
Kathy

[dawnreneeo]

I can understand a lot of that.He did step up,he married her and they had money troubles that she evidentally wasn't expecting.Her parents moved her home and took control.That was what my bgrandmother wanted to know,was he still having money trouble.Of course,she's elderly.I am going to tell them to talk about something else is they start bashing him.He ended up pretty good I think.He had just come home from Vietnam when they met,so that should've been enough to give him a break.But,he wasn't Catholic,therefore to them,he wasn't worthy.Strange times,I know.He raised 6 step children and they are all happy people.Just have to go with the flow,and maybe bite my tongue a little!

[kakuehl]

Just keep changing the subject to them not him! You might share that he has done well with his life, in your opinion! Or when they ask questions, tell them they'd have to ask him that question. The goal is to keep yourself OUT of the middle. (And to avoid stressing yourseld out.) Let them know you'd rather focus on getting to know them rather than listening to their opinions about birthday -- as lovingly as you can say it!

I wish D's bdad was still alive. It hurts that he won't get to know him.
I hope you can enrich your life by getting to know all these strangers who are also relatives.
Kathy

[takeoff]

I too just received my information and I have my mothers and fathers name. I am curious as to how you found him so quickly. I have spent over 15 hrs on the internet with no luck.
Thanks
KW