[jeanette reno]

i am 26 years old i recently found the courage to look for my bparents, honestly at first i was only thinking of my bmother. I requested identifying info from the state of wi, and i found out my bmom gave her permission in 1996 to release her info to me. however paternity was established so before i can get her info they have to find my bfather and get his permission. well my case worker found an address for him right away and sent a letter that didn't have any details in it. i guess it was just a regular letter from the state that said she needed to talk to him about a confidential matter. when he didn't respond she contacted a relative and gave him the same info and that relative said he would pass the info on to my bfather. well it's been 3 weeks and she still hasn't gotten a phone call. today she told me she was sending a certified letter and it would explain exactly why she was trying to get ahold of him. she told me if he denies my request not only will i not get my bmom's info she will not be able to contact him again for a year.
he was 14 when i was born and would be about 40 now. I didn't grow up with a normal father figure because my aparents divorced when i was young. i can't figure out what he might think when he reads this letter. I mean he was only 14 when i was born, i can't imagine what that would be like from a girls perspective, let alone a boy's. is 26 years enough time for a man to realize he did the right thing. and not be ashamed. will he be willing to give me permission if for nothing else than so my bmom and i can meet? my case worker said she wrote that if he would give me permission but he didn't want contact with me that i would respect that, and i would, i would completely understand. i just can't figure out what a man in his position would think or do. the waiting is killing me, knowing that i am so close to finding out who my bmom is, and knowing how quickly my chances could disapear.
does anyone have an opinion on what he might be thinking? I would love to hear and get an idea.

[shadow riderer]

Hi. I really can’t say what your bfather might be thinking, but I do understand how you feel. Not knowing what will happen is a very frightening thing. I spent most of my life thinking my bfather denied paternity, only to find out my bmom had never told him he had a daughter. Making contact and waiting for his response was the single most difficult thing I have ever done. I was scared to death. It has turned out well for me. He was thrilled to find out he had a daughter. Things are going well, but it is still a little scary.



Before contacting him, I had begun reading stories and post about the effect adoption has on bfathers, and how they too suffer loss. The thing that really gave me the courage to contact him was the thought that, even though I knew men who would not want to know about their child or would not want contact, the majority of the men I knew would at least be curious enough to want to know what happened to their child, as well as considerate enough to at least give medical information even if they did not want contact. Your bfather was only 14, so he was very young and probably immature. We have all done things we regret, especially with age. Sometimes those regrets are very painful and go so deep it is extremely hard to face them. Not knowing anything about how your bfather’s life has been it is impossible to say what he could be thinking. All you can really do is prepare for the possibility that things might not turn out as you hope, but hope and pray that they do.



I know that isn’t very comforting, but know that you are not alone. I will be praying that things work out for you. Good luck.

[snuffie]

I, too, cannot say how your bdad will feel. I think it depends on so many factors that each situation is unique. I know some men who would be reduced to tears even thinking about a wonderful reunion with their daughter or son. And others who would worry about how it would impact their life, their current relationships. I think it depends on the time of life they are in too. The man who may be my bdad is elderly and just can't handle the emotional upheaval. Some men also worry about how society will veiw them. It is an old fashioned idea, but again, depending on the age of the bdad may be a factor.
All we can do is try. 3 weeks isn't really that long of time when you consider that your bdad has had so many years of hiding his feelings. He may be trying to come to terms with his emotions and also wondering how to tell people if he has kept this secret for so long.

I, too, pray that things will work out just the way you want them to. But even worst case, things do not - at least you will have the satisfaction that you tried and your bdad will know that you are thinking of him.

Praying for happiness for you.
Snuffie

[blambdin]

I am a BF who is searching for birthdaughter. I am 50 and she is 31 now. I want to meet her and know that she was raised well, I have her name, address, and phone number... just don't have the courage to call yet. What if she doesn't know she was adopted? What if she doesn't care to see or hear from me? Who am I to disrupt her life now? I struggle with these questions everyday and especially since I now have a three year old daughter. My parents are deceased and I have no siblings. My two daughters are the only blood relatives that I have. Since I started so late in life with my youngest I want her to be able to meet her sister... Any thoughts...
blambdin

[jeanette reno]

blambdin
It's so hard to know what to do in a situation like yours. I have known my whole life that I was adopted. Honestly, if my bfather or bmother would have contacted me before the last few years( when I was around 22 or younger) I think I would have freaked out because I wasn't ready. But the older I got the more I hoped I would just get a phone call out of the blue from one of them, because I wasn't ready to search but I did want to be found. I don't know if I can explain it any better, It's still kind of confusing in my head. It makes it harder not knowing if she knows about being adopted. My new theory in life is I would rather be rejected than never know. If I were you I think I would take the chance and try to contact her, with a letter explaining exactly what you wrote, that you don't want to disrupt her life, and that she has a little sister and a bfather who thinks about her and prays she has had a happy life. These are things I would have loved to hear.
I hope you can find the courage to write her, and I pray you get a fabulous happy ending with her. I will be thinking of you and sending good thoughts.
Jeanette

[shadow riderer]

Blamdin, I think I would agree with Jeanette. I had the information to contact my bfather for 10 years, but felt as you do. I did not want to cause him problems or dissrupt his life. I, also think I was not ready 10 years ago, but had he contacted me, things would have been different. Actually, I speent the last 10 years hoping and wishing he would find me. That would have been kind of hard, because he did not know he had a daughter. My point-I wish I had contacted hem back then.


I have always known I was adopted, so that does put a different twist to the ssituation. I agree a letter would probably be best. Yoou and your daughter have a right to know each other. It is a really tuff call. Like I said above, making that first contact was the ssingle most difficult thing I have ever done. I was very fortunate in the outcome. I will be hoping and praying things work out for you.

[seekingbirthdau]

Both my husband and my brother had fathered a child when they were very young and before they were married. Neither of them has ever forgotten about that child.

Paul told me about his birth daughter before we were married and our children knew about her. She found us this past summer and that was such a joyful, exciting surprise. Since then, Paul has a new zest for living, and is so happy. He and the rest of us are getting to know his daughter. She is also a sibling of our son and daughter so in my heart she is also my daughter, too. She is 45 years old now and I am glad she didn't think she was too old to find her birth dad. She is such a blessing in our life. We all love her and are enjoying getting to know each other.

So please don't be afraid to find your birth dad and mom. Even if one should not be ready at this time in their life, the other may be ready and hoping you find them. They may not know how to look for you or even realize yet that they can. So all you birth children, don't be afraid.

We are so happy that Paul's birth daughter looked for him because we had no idea at that time how to find her.

We are very blessed. Don't give up.
http://forums.adoption.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
Anne Law

[outlaw7x77]

I think he's probably scared to death and doesn't know what to do. Give it more time. I'm 43 years old now and I was 19 when I became a birth father...Seek Pateince.

Originally Posted by jeanette reno

i am 26 years old i recently found the courage to look for my bparents, honestly at first i was only thinking of my bmother. I requested identifying info from the state of wi, and i found out my bmom gave her permission in 1996 to release her info to me. however paternity was established so before i can get her info they have to find my bfather and get his permission. well my case worker found an address for him right away and sent a letter that didn't have any details in it. i guess it was just a regular letter from the state that said she needed to talk to him about a confidential matter. when he didn't respond she contacted a relative and gave him the same info and that relative said he would pass the info on to my bfather. well it's been 3 weeks and she still hasn't gotten a phone call. today she told me she was sending a certified letter and it would explain exactly why she was trying to get ahold of him. she told me if he denies my request not only will i not get my bmom's info she will not be able to contact him again for a year.
he was 14 when i was born and would be about 40 now. I didn't grow up with a normal father figure because my aparents divorced when i was young. i can't figure out what he might think when he reads this letter. I mean he was only 14 when i was born, i can't imagine what that would be like from a girls perspective, let alone a boy's. is 26 years enough time for a man to realize he did the right thing. and not be ashamed. will he be willing to give me permission if for nothing else than so my bmom and i can meet? my case worker said she wrote that if he would give me permission but he didn't want contact with me that i would respect that, and i would, i would completely understand. i just can't figure out what a man in his position would think or do. the waiting is killing me, knowing that i am so close to finding out who my bmom is, and knowing how quickly my chances could disapear.
does anyone have an opinion on what he might be thinking? I would love to hear and get an idea.

[wekuebler]

I am a birthfather. I have been searching for my daughter for 2 years. I can only give you my perspective on what it was like to find out that I was to become a father at the age of 17. My girlfriend and I had been dating during our junior year of high school. While we did take precautions against pregnancy, back in 1971, birth control was practically non-existant. After the initial shock of finding out that I was to become a father, the panic of having to tell our parents, etc. we decided we wanted to get married and keep the baby. I cared a great deal about my girlfriend and I decided to prove to her parents that I could support a family before telling them of the pregnancy. Although I was a senior in high school I worked 3 jobs and put as much money aside as I could. We waited until her 5th month to tell our parents fearing that her father (an extremely strict, controlling man) would force an abortion. Upon telling my parents, my father physically beat me telling me how disappointed he was, how I had ruined everyone's lives. Her father immediately wisked her away to an unwed mother's home, forbid me ever come near her again and again I was told how I had ruined her life. The guilt was tremendous. I found out where she was and would sneak in to visit her almost daily. I had the other girls in the home call me when she was in labor and was there when my daughter was born. I had to fight my way past the nuns who threatened to call the police. After one look at my daughter I wanted to keep her. My girlfriend was in anguish. She was being torn in two. Her father was insisting she give up the baby and we wanted to keep it. I couldn't bear to see her so upset so I agreed to put my daughter up for adoption. I knew that the turmoil and anger in our home would not be a good life for my daughter. I have had a hole in my heart since that day. There is a space that will never be filled. It aches horribly each year on my daughter's birthday. When asked how many children I have I always include Michelle, that is the name we gave her. I never searched for her because I didn't want to disrupt her life. When I would hear of an accident which killed a young woman Michelle's age I would wonder if it were her. I have never stopped loving her. I decided to search two years ago. She would now be 34. Medical issues have come to light in my family that could affect Michelle and I wanted her to get the information. I searched for and contacted her mother who has chosen to not be involved - "that part of my life is over". What I want you to know is that fathers have hearts too. I originally felt that I had indeed ruined everyone's lives. I carried that guilt around for a very long time. But, the love that I felt the moment I saw my baby daughter has a special place in my heart and it will be there forever whether I reunite with her or not. Her adoptive parents have been given the medical information and I hope that they have passed it on to my daughter. I want her to know that I still care about her and that I am searching. She received the info a year ago this month but so far has not tried to contact me. I hope your search will be successful. You will be in my prayers. Bill

[maggie_001]

I know exactly how you feel, I contacted my birth father, right after I found my mother (last month)....I called him, he said he needed to process it all and would get back to me?????? I guess men are different, haven't heard a thing from him since then.....I pray that you get an answer soon, the waiting is the worse, keep strong......Have you registered with ISRR????? if your mother contacted them also, you wouldn't need fathers permission, to get ahold of your mom, it would just be between you and him........will be thinking of you.........Maggie

[mn125]

Originally Posted by jeanette reno

and i found out my bmom gave her permission in 1996 to release her info to me. however paternity was established so before i can get her info they have to find my bfather and get his permission.

Gezzzzzz......
It's this kind of stuff that can drive a person nuts! All the protections.........its really a small wonder that we haven't heard of adoptees going *postal* on the secret keepers! ack!

Your Mother placed a waiver of her confidentiality in the files. You have agreed to release your identity- SOOO WHATS THE BEEF between you TWO having contact????

Are they worried Mom would spill the beans to you about who your father is? Why don't they just do the obvious- and give her a court order to not release his identity to you, and if she should- she would be in contempt of court.

Yah, can you see it now- in the headlines of the local newspapers? Mother extradited in contempt case- she told her daughter who her father was <gasp>!!!!!!!

If Mom's waiver isn't worth the paper it was written on- without his permission - why bother taking it in the first place??? What's the point?

Don't you feel like they are treating you as if you are a potential stalker? I mean- its as if the only way you will be allowed contact is if the 'warn' the people you are seeking. Who said you wanted contact with your father? It'd be my guess- that one reunion at a time would be more than enough to deal with.

[jeanette reno]

well I got lucky. Alot has happened since I posted here. My bfather responded as soon as he read the certified letter that explained why the state was trying to get ahold of him. He called my caseworker right away and overnighted the paperwork he needed to fill out and in less than a week I knew who everyone was. It has been wonderful. I am so lucky. I can't even put it into words. My bdad was so happy that I found him. He told me he wanted to keep me but because of him being so young and the health problems of others in the family he wasn't allowed.
I have gone back to wi and met my whole family, it has been wonderful. They all are so nice and excited that I found them. I have been so lucky.
Thank you all for your thoughts and support, I wish you all luck and happiness.

[healingfeeling]

Yay!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy for you and I hope your good luck will spread to all of us