[shadow riderer]

I found my b mother 16 years ago. She told me who my B father was and with that information I was able to find contact information. I have held on to that information for about 10 years now. I just wasn't sure if I really wanted to contact him, especially after the story my B mother told me. When shhe told him of her pregnancy (1964) he told his family the baby wasn't his etc.

I have been thinking about him a lot lately, and after reading about how B fathers also go through a struggle with this kind of situation, I began to think maybe I should give him the opportunity to know me.

Considering the situation of the past, and not knowing if his family (wife and children) knew about me, I didn't want to send a letter to his home or call him there. I, also, felt like sending a letter to his business would be inappropriate. Yesterday, I phoned his business and was put throufh to his voice mail. Thank God. I left a brief message about how I was looking for --- who was the son of ----, and stationed in TX in 1964. I said I was the daughter os someone he knew back then, left my phone numbers, and said thank you and hung up.

I felt sure I thought that would be the most personal way to handle this. Now, with no returned phone call, I'm not sure. I know iif he really has any idea who I am that it must have been a surprise. I know he will need time to process it as well. In the meantime, I'm a bundle of nerves.

I could use some advice and help.

[bprice215]

I understand exactly where your coming from, the wait is anything but easy, as we have a way of building up things because they are important to us. I think in a month or so I'd call him again and leave a more personal message, maybe he just didn't understand your first one. Be prepaired because you may or may not like what you find. It is a risk worth taking because we only want to know. Good luck! bprice215

[Montraviatommyg]

I hope everything does turn out well for you but as already be posted prepare yourself for both a negative response as well as I positive one. My son's bdad wont even acknowledge he is the father of my son .... I knew this would happen but it does hurt that this person has not only made me out to be a liar but given a totally different account of our relationship. Fortunately it hasn't spoilt my reunion with my son but it could have done. This isn't a common reaction of a bdad fortunately.

Pip

[kune]

Hi ShadowRider
That must have been so hard to do so well done!! It's obviously something that you have given a lot of thought to and you have taken the first step. The waiting now will be hard.....for sure. I think if I was in your shoes, I'd follow it up in a week or so with a letter if there is no immediate response. Then he has everything he needs in front of him to read, absorb, and then...if he wants to.... take it further. The thought of returning your call may have him shaking in his boots!!

He's your father...he was the person you got 1/2 your genetic make-up from. If you are a loving kind person (which I am sure you are) chances are that your parents were similar. Many young men are wild and free in their youth, but this is a mature adult you are seeking so don't be put off by bmom's recollections- hopefully you will find a man who is willing to meet a daughter and give his side of the story.

Fingers crossed XXX
Ann

[shadow riderer]

Thanks everyone. Good news. He returned my call just as I was about to walk out the door. I almost didn’t answer the phone. I’m sure glad I did. I was so completely stunned. I guess I had convinced myself he wouldn’t call back. I was already planning the letter I would send in a few weeks. When I asked if he new my bmother, he said he did. Then he asked me if he and I were related. I told him I thought so. Oh, wow! I was not prepared for his response. He really just took over from that point. I just don’t know the words to use to describe the intense emotions of excitement, joy, shock, and the intense relief I heard in his voice. It was sort of like if your child had been in a horrible accident, and wasn’t going to make it. Then the doctor comes out and says everything is going to be fine. It was completely overwhelming. It really sort of intimidated me, but in a good way.



We talked a little. I think it’s a little funny now. He was the one who asked the questions, and for further contact, and so on. He really just took complete control of the situation which is good, because I was really just speechless. I think he must have sensed how overwhelmed I was. He kept telling me we would definetly talk again, and told me, with such joy, to have a great weekend then let me go. I told him I would send him and email, which I did yesterday. It took me all weekend to absorb all of this. Now I’m just going to let him take the next step.



You know, all I ever wanted to know was did he know about me, and did he ever wonder what happened to me? Now I know. Anything else will just be a bonus.



Thanks for listening.

[Montraviatommyg]

That's good news, I'm pleased you had a positive outcome.

Pip

[dpen6]

So glad to hear it worked out!!

I have been trying to find my birthfather for a few years now and I have always felt that he would deny I was his(aLREADY DID THAT ONCE) OR JUST NOT BE INTERESTED....

Time is marching on though....I am forty something((alright...48) and don't know if I will ever know about him

Good luck in your reunion!

[nickychaz]

So happy for you ! Please keep us posted on your reunion !

[shadow riderer]

Hi everyone. Let me just say, whew, what a week. I don't really think I can put it into words. I think both my bfather and I are still inshock and disbelief. We are having DNA test done just to eliminate any possible doubt. I'm glad for that. I think somehow the results will make it all real. This is just all so crazy. I know my bmother has told me the truth, and he hasn't denied anything. It is just still so hard to believe. Of course, I am also driving myself crazy with all kinds of stupid "what ifs". I know some of the thoughts going through my head are just completely rediculous, but I just can't seem to let myself believe this. We have talked a little, but I think we are both afraid to really take the chance of getting to know too much about each other until those results come back. We seem to be so much alike in so many ways which makes this even harder. I like him. I have been through so much in my life, I just can't count those chickens until they hatch. I keep telling myself the way I feel is normal in a situation like this, but the waiting is just H*ll. I can't let myself even consider the next step, either way this might turn out, which doesn't prepare me for whatever comes next. I know I'll get through this. Is it alright if I just scream now? (heavy sigh) Anyway, thanks again for listening.

[dpen6]

Hi there,

I have almost been where you are.When I first found birth mother almost 19 years ago she named on person as my birth father....was not interested in looking for him at that time. A few years back I met her sister who was convinced I was the child of the man she was married to at the time. They thought that my 2nd son looked just like him and that I looked like his mother. So I contactded this man via letter...got a call back right away. Both he and his wife, after talking to me, and reliazing that I was not going to hurt anyone became real excited. We sent pictures back and forth and yes I did see a resemblence. He was very open but said...I don't know if the timing was right..but agreed to A dNA...in the interium I had convicned myself that this was it.....became excited as these people were so nice and open and understanding. The DNA came back neg.....I had got myself so excited and pleased that these nice people would be in my life...he had 2 daughters not much younger then me...yeah ...2 sosters...that the dissappoinment was acute....

SO.....try to keep your emotions in check...it probably is positive as the situation is a little different then mine...but just in case....

[kune]

Shadowriderer

Fingers crossed for you XXXXX
Keep in touch and take deep breathes.....that keeps the oxygen going to your lungs and brain so you can hopefully remain sane during the waiting!!

Ann

[shadow riderer]

When I reunited with my Bmother, the situation was completely different. I didn’t intentionally search for her. For medical reasons I wont go into, the doctors went to court and got my adoption records opened. The case worker asked if I wanted to reunite if they were able to locate my bmother, and she wished to reunite with me. I thought why not. It just worked out. I know how lucky I was, but it was still different from that call I made two weeks ago. She had known she had given birth to a daughter. She had always hoped I would find her someday. The last 16 years have not always been easy. We have both unintentionally hurt each other, but we love each other. Even after all these years, it is still sometimes painful for both of us when we talk about it. We work through it and it brings us a little closer each time.



Finding my bfather has been completely different. “I” made that call that has completely changed his life forever, no matter how this turns out. He had only heard my bmother might have been pregnant. She never told him. She just assumed he knew, along with a lot of other things she assumed. I understand where she was coming from, but it is just really sad for the both of them. He never knew what had happened to her and never knew he had a daughter. What breaks my heart is that I feel like I have completely turned his world upside down. It is nothing he has said or done. He says he is excited, and doesn’t recall ever being so emotional about anything before. How could finding out you had a daughter after 40 years not be an emotional thing. I just can’t imagine what he is going through. With whatever joy he is feeling, there mus be some other emotions he is feeling as well, anger sadness. It would just be natural for him to have those feelings.



I feel like I have just knocked him upside the head with a baseball bat, and all I can say is, “I knew it was going to hurt you. Sorry about that.Hope you are going to be alright. I hate that I did it, but I can’t change it now.” How could I have ben so selfish to put him through what must be a very traumatic experience for him as well. If I had never made that call, I would have gone on with my life and been fine, or would I? He told me in our first conversation he was glad I had called and wished I had called sooner. So, why do I feel guilty for causing him any I don’t even know what? Saying I never wanted to cause him any problems or pain just seems such a stupid thing to say in a situation like this, especially when I knew how this would effect the rest of both of our lives no matter the outcome. My nature is to give comfort, make people laugh, or smile, and help others get through rough times, not be the cause of upheaval in their lives. Do you want to know what is really crazy? I can’t honestly say I regret making that phone call. Actually, I don’t regret it at all. We were told it would be another week before we received the DNA test results. Do you think that being in this sort of limbo of knowing and not knowing might be getting to me? Did I do the right thing?

Why is knowing the answer to that question always so difficult?

[dpen6]

Why do you think you hurt him? He was excited to find out about you right? Yes, it is an upheavel but is it a neg one?

I do understand your ambivlence. I don't want anyone hurt either. In my situation I feel like I did cause an upset to the man that I orginally did the DNA with...for nothing. I do feel bad about that. Even though they (he) were/was very understanding. Both he and his wife tried to assuage my guilt by telling me how much they understood and how they would have done the same thing....

[shadow riderer]

How could this not hurt him in someway? If the test comes back neg., we will both be disappointed. If it comes back pos., he still has to wonder why he didn’t know, which seems to be something he is struggling with. In adoption, there are so many painful emotions all involved go through. I know we all have to deal with our own issues and come to terms with things on our own, but it just breaks my heart to think that I have anything to do with causing someone else pain. I know this is all a little irrational, but it is just so dang hard to know what to do. I would like to call him and just ask if he is alright and see if he would like to talk about his feelings, but I just don’t really know if I can handle it. I am so emotional myself. Do you think maybe I am just stressing about this too much? Maybe I should just give myself a day to calm down and then call him and just ask if he wants to talk about any of this? Or maybe a short email telling him if he needs to talk just to call me? Or, should I just leave well enough alone for now? I just don’t know what to do.



I’m really sorry things did not work out for you. That must have been difficult. I really appreciate your help and thanks to everyone for listening.

[DianaCLT]

It's been awhile since you posted. What were the test results???? Hope they were positive!