[laxrick]

I finally decided to search for my birthparents. I am 23 years old, and after my son was born, it put things into perspective. I did not need to know who my birthparents were, but ever since he was born, it's become something I think about daily. I have so far obtained medical records from my old pediatrician and a non-identifying information packet from Catholic Charities. My state allows me to request my original birth certificate after a 65 day waiting period to give my birthparents a chance to veto it (which is just WRONG, but anyway...). Well I've got about 5 days left, and I'll know what their name is and what my original name was. I'm so very nervous about everything, I've been calling the lady that does it to make sure they haven't got a veto letter and to make sure its going to be mailed to me. July 8, 2005 it will be in the mail to me. I had to take off of work because I just know that I won't be able to stop thinking about it.

What happens after I know? Do I conduct a search? Will I want to? What if she doesn't want to see me, or hasn't told her new husband (or his new wife) about me? Will I be viewed as an embarrassment or a blessing by my birth family? And I guess the biggest question of all.... did they love me, and did they miss me? Do they want to see me...

There's just so many questions swimming around right now, and knowing they are going to be brought up soon is very stressful. I just wanna know so I can breathe...

What do you birthmothers think? Will my mom want to talk to me? Or am I just a shame in her past...? I just want them back in my life, maybe not as parents, but as someone special to me and my son.

[laxrick]

Just adding this so it adds to my subscribed threads. Talk to me birthparents!!!

[Pyromom]

Hello laxrick,
And good luck to you! I hope you get your OBC, and decide what you want to do. I am a birthmother, my son was born 27 years ago. At the time of his birth, the bdad & I both promised we were not going to search for him because we didn't want to interfere in his life. But that we would be available to be found. This past May 23rd, I received a letter in the mail from the bdad. He was up, unable to sleep one night, did a Google search on the birthname we had given our son, and came up with a profile listing on adoption.com!! He knew I would want to know, and bless his heart, he searched up my information and sent me a letter. I checked out the profile, set up my own, and emailed my bson. Within a week, I had emails from him along with pictures. My family is ecstatic, my Mom -who believed she had lost a grandchild forever- is happier than I could have imagined. This Monday, my bson surprised me with a phone call, so we could hear each other's voices! We will be planning a face-to-face soon, and I have rediscovered a friendship with the birthdad as well. It's starting to feel like a very big extended family. My family can hardly wait to meet my bson, and we can hardly wait to meet with the bdad and his family! I hope you decide to go for it, laxrick, if that's what you want. And I hope it works out for you as well as it has for us. I'll be keeping an eye on this thread, so please keep posting! Good luck!
Beth

[lwk]

Well I would say July 8th is an important day for you. Smart to take the day off of work!! I would think that if you receive the orig B/C then they have no objection to you having the info, do they have the option to release the info but request no contact?? My thinking is if they definitely didn't want to be found you would have had a quick "Veto". So it looks like you are heading in a positive direction....how exciting!!
I, like Beth had felt like I had no right to intrude so I didn't search until for some unknown reason I ended up on adoption.com in October 2004 and lo and behold typed in birth daughters DOB and came up with one name..can't even describe the butterflies in my stomach, the info matched. I went from not searching to having an e mail address and phone number in a matter of minutes. She had registered in 2002, so I had an enormous amount of guilt thinking she had already been actively searching for 2 years. Needless to say it took me a day to compose myself, call husband who was out of town and compose an e mail which I thought would be more appropriate than phone call. Hard to find the right words and believe me I looked at that send button for a long time before I hit it!! Did I say enough or too much you know what I mean. I am married to her birth father and have 2 other children and all of my family knew as well as most of my very close friends so my situation compared to other birth parents was probably a lot less complicated. Anyway that is when the waiting began. I would check my e mail 100 times a day, no response, I didn't know if she had received it or not, had she decided she didn't want to know us..so many thoughts crossed my mind. So I sent another e-mail including pertinent medical history and let her know I would be here whenever she was ready. After 5 months and no response I decided to try the phone number. I cannot describe the feeling of dialing that number, all the while thinking more than likely it will not be a current number. Well to my surprise she answered, she had changed her e mail and not changed it on the site. We had to go through the State registry to get definite verification which we did this past week and we have spoken on the phone a couple of times and we e mail regularly. We are trying to get to know each other as friends before we have our face to face. Of course we have swapped a lot of pictures of our families. She is married and has a 6y/o. I can't explain what it was like to hear her voice after 31 years of thinking I had no right to know who she was much less to have the opportunity to build a relationship with her.
So with all that said (this is the first time I have told my story) I think most birth moms consider it a dream come true to have the opprtunity to know their birth children, most importantly to know that they are safe, healthy and loved.
Best wishes to you and I will be checking in hoping to hear good news.

[mn125]

Originally Posted by lwk

My thinking is if they definitely didn't want to be found you would have had a quick "Veto".

My Mom did not want to be found, but, it took her a little over 9 months to respond with an answer to the Confidenital Intermediary her wish for contact. She finally filed a contact veto when I insisted the CI go do her job- go get a yes or a no.

Here's some stats from Oregon- where Measure 58 allows adult adoptees access to their OBC, and also has a means for the parents to attach a contact preferance letter:
http://oregon.gov/DHS/ph/chs/preadopt.shtml
May 31, 2001 - First Year Anniversary Report

- The first anniversary for the implementation of the law that allowed adoptees to order birth certificates listing their biological parent(s). Oregon born adoptees over the age of 21 or their legal representatives had placed 5832 orders for these birth records and the Center for Health Statistics completed and issued 5565 birth certificates. By May 31, 2001, 411 Contact Preference Forms from biological parents had been received. Of this total, 305 birth parents wanted direct contact, 27 stated they wanted contact through an intermediary and 79 filed statements saying they did not want contact but provided an updated medical history form for the adoptee.

May 31, 2002 - Two Year Anniversary Report

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Records ordered: 6722
Records issued: 6439
Contact Preference forms submitted by birth parents, Total: 444
-Number asking for contact with adoptee: 336
-Number asking for contact through an intermediary: 28
-Number asking for no contact: 80

May 31, 2003 - Three Year Anniversary Report

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Records ordered: 7459
Records issued: 7296
Contact Preference forms submitted by birth parents, Total: 469
-Number asking for contact with adoptee: 359
-Number asking for contact through an intermediary: 29
-Number asking for no contact: 81

May 31, 2004 - Four Year Anniversary Report

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Records ordered: 8,021
Records issued: 7,811
Contact Preference forms submitted by birth parents, Total: 463
-Number asking for contact with adoptee: 354
-Number asking for contact through an intermediary: 28
-Number asking for no contact: 81


May 31, 2005 - Five Year Anniversary Report

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Records ordered: 8,486
Records issued: 8,190
Contact Preference forms submitted by birth parents, Total: 503
-Number asking for contact with adoptee: 391
-Number asking for contact through an intermediary: 29
-Number asking for no contact: 83



Changes in the average number of records ordered during the last three years
During the first year, average number of new orders per month: 293.4
During the second year, average number of new orders per month: 74.2
During the third year, average number of new orders per month: 61.4
During the fourth year, average number of new orders per month: 46.8
During the fifth year, average number of new orders per month: 38.8

[Montraviatommyg]

Laxrick,

My son started searching for me back in 1999 but I found him by accident last year through a website he had put my details on. I emailed him without a thought then panicked afterwards as I hadn't prepared myself for reunion and always assumed he would find me if he wanted to. When he was adopted I was told I wouldn't be allowed to search for him when he turned 18 and naively believed this, didn't know how to search either. However I have never regretted finding him so I hope all goes well for you.

Philippa

[laxrick]

Thanks for all your support! Only three more days! It should receive it in the mail Monday or Tuesday, but I'll know Friday if a veto request was filed. I've never known anyone (but my son) I've been genetically linked to, and I've never been this anxious for anything in my life before.

[GE_Glows]

Hi Laxrick - even though it'[s been over 16 years since my 1st contact w/b-mom, I remember very well the butterflies, the nervousness, the "will she ever respond" and "What if she hates me" thoughts. In my case - i wasted a good worry, in many other cases - people were not so blessed. Despite the long standing reunion I have with my b-mom, when I searched for and found my b-dad in 2004 I went through not only the same emotions and thoughts - but 1000 more as well. All I can advise you is this - hold you child closely - no matter what happens, he will always be your son and yours to hold and love. Come here as often as you need to - this is a place of invaluable support. Read as many stories or search, reunion, rejected contact and limited contact as you can find - it will better prepare you for what you may or may not find. And remember - the butterflies you feel are echoed in her stomach too.

Best Wishes to you!

GE

[FL_GirlByProxy]

THANK YOU, GE, FOR BRINGING ME TO THIS THREAD! LAXRICK, my prayers are with you. I'm a birthmom. I reunited with my 20 year old birthson this past December, and have grown very close to him, and his mom and dad and grandmother. It has truely been an answered prayer for me. I am married with a son who is 14 and a daughter who is 10. When I see them all together now, it's amazing, as if they've known each other forever. We all feel as if we've extended our families, united together. I reached out for non-identifying info in August of 2004, and Catholic Charities sent a letter to Jim's (birthson) mom and dad in December. The very next day after getting the letter, they contacted CC.

My one piece of administrative advice to you is to be persistent with Catholic Charities. My experience was a little stressful, as they sat on my letter, hoping I would go away. I learned this verbatim from Jim's parents, both of whom were horrified by CC's behavior with my letter. (the SW from CC encouraged me to write a letter, said she would mail it, I put my heart and soul in it, sent it in August, the SW said she sent it in mid-October, but in reality she had decided not to send it, (outright lie) until I was so persistent she sent a letter to Jim's parents from CC). So what I percieved as a possible rejection, or a letter lost in the mail, or who knows what, was something completely different. I would try to remember that no news is not a rejection, just a call to you to be more persistent in getting an answer. If I had just dropped my pursuit in October or November of 2004, the letter would never have been sent by CC.

You asked;

What do you birthmothers think? Will my mom want to talk to me? Or am I just a shame in her past...? I just want them back in my life, maybe not as parents, but as someone special to me and my son.

Every situation is unique, kind of a mantra we have here! I've always felt that my birthson is an incredible blessing, that God meant for him to be here. My husband and I told our kids about him around 5 years ago, so that they could pray for him and know about him. So when we all found each other, it was just completely joyous. I am praying for the same for you. You've got so much going on at the moment, try and take one step at a time. Search is one thing. Reunion is another. Relationship is yet another. One step at a time. I've always felt that Jim should set the boundaries, that's how we started out. When you find them, this would be a great place for them to visit, to ask questions of us who are going through this fantastic journey as well. Prayers and good wishes to you, Laxrick, KEEP US POSTED!!!

[laxrick]

Everyone seems to be have had a very bad experience with Catholic Charities... to their credit though I received my non-indentifying information quickly, and I didn't just receive the original documents, the lady that helped me also organized it in sort of a summary page. She was very helpful, and even suggested I apply for my OBC with the Office of Vital Statistics, which is funny because experienced searchers told me NOT to tell CC I was requesting my OBC. However, I won't hire CC to find my birth family because I don't believe people have a right to charge for something almost everyone has and takes for granted. Either way, CC has been helpful and prompt up until this point, though with less than a week until I receive my OBC, time seems to be slowing down .

[FL_GirlByProxy]

That is great to hear, that they have been helpful and positive! I agree, paying for that info just bugs me to the max. It's not fair, IMHO. You sound like you are doing fantastic. The wait is a true test of patience. Hang in there, post away, ask anything!!

[mn125]

laxrick,
Are you searching Maryland??
Please pm me if you are......

~Seattle adoptee living in Maryland

[laxrick]

Ok, tomorrow, if no veto letter is received, my OBC will be dropped in the mail. I give it two days to get here, (Saturday, Monday), since its coming from like 50 miles away. So I should have it Monday or Tuesday. I'm going to call today or tomorrow and check if a veto letter was received... it's going to be so weird seeing a piece of paper with absolutely no names that I'll recognize, but that'll be me and my family... It's so strange to think a family tree consisting of two people (me and my son) will open up within a few days. I'm going to prepare doing an internet search July 10 - 14. Do you guys have any search suggestions, websites, procedures that I can have ready so I have a decent gameplan when I found out all my new information?

[Montraviatommyg]

laxrick,

Praying everthing goes well and keeping everything crossed for you.

Philippa

[dkb60]

MN125

Isn't it interesting that the response numbers you listed are very similiar year to year.

D.