[Hval]

Well it’s back to this…
The start of a new thread as I begin the start of a new search.

For those of you that have been following the story,

I was born on (or around) July 25, 1972 at St. Joseph’s hospital in St. Paul Minnesota.
Adopted through Catholic Charities to two WONDERFUL people that I call “my parents”, I have lived a pretty fulfilled life.

For most of my adult life, I’ve been curious to find my roots, but not really URGENTLY looking. I’m content.
…yet curious.

SO, last year, I paid $475 (upfront—big mistake, lesson learned) to a LOCATER company that did absolutely nothing for me PLUS took my money and disappeared from the face of the earth. …no more email, no more phone numbers, no more web sites!

Gone.

Decorum dictates that I refrain from directly naming them…
*ahem*
…you can probably figure it out.

I’ll probably end up hiring Catholic Charities to do a search.
I’ve avoided this, thus far, for reasons of my own…based on research and feedback.
Mostly, the time frame.
…It could take over a year.

BUT, since I’ve already waited a year.
…and now am without the “find my birthmother budget money”…
I’ll start saving up.

Frustrating.

Anyway, if anyone is not too busy and wants to do some digging, or has a limitless amount of money and wants to throw it away on some Minnesotan stranger that, at the very least, seems intelligible and lucid…

We’ll…I’m here for you!

And THAT’S my update.

-HVAL

[ChristiBender]

HVAL.... ok dear.... we have got to focus for you.... big time. Enough of this waiting around... we need answers.

And.. maybe getting CC on the hook will, if nothing else, get you a CLUE!!! and you know what we can do with CLUES around here.. right???

So... get a hold of them.... get someone working... use your CHARM.... and WIT... and SINCERETY... and see if you can't get something...anything... that all of us here - with our different resources might be able to put together....to get you some answers!

Remember Summer's story... (the Reply thread).. and how we got a few clues and he he... found HER!!!

So.. we just need a smidge of help... and maybe that will have to come from someone who is ALLOWED (don't get me started) to LOOK at your file!!!!!

There are times we simply have to do what we don't want... in order to get what we do.....

[Hval]

I checked with CC of St Paul.
It is as I recalled.
There is a backlog of requests resulting in "a wait of approximately 12 months form the time the full seach fee is paid" which is on a sliding scale based on your gross yearly income.
...which amounts to a little more than I was expecting to get returned to me from the company that disappeared with my money.

As I said, back to zero.
And now I'll end up paying over twice what I was expecting to pay origonally.

I have to do more info gathering.
There is a smaller fee for non-id information.
I'd like to debate the merits of this.

If you get the non-id and then decide to do the full search, do you end up paying for BOTH or is the non-id price deducted from the full search? These are things that I'll have to have clarified.

I requested a copy of my origonal birth cert. from the MN dept of Health (for $10.00), but had my check returned because my birthparent had not signed an Affidavit of Disclosure (a form that's only been around since 1982, a decade after I was born).

I don't have the money OR energy to keep up on this.
I'd love to just write a check, and forget about it (kinda like this whole last year) but that money is gone.

I'm really leaning toward scrapping the whole search thing and buying a new guitar or a bike for my son or some new shock & struts for my car or a new suit or...
...well you get the idea.

If you've read my writing on this site, you know where I stand...
>curious
>appreciative
>interested in communication
>upbeat
etc

but I'm kinda tired.
A similar thing happened about 7-8 years ago, before I found THIS site a year ago and re-motivated to search.

I dunno.
It's not what I had planned, but then... when does anything ever go as planned?

-Hval

[ChristiBender]

Hval.... I know of what you are speaking...

I understand the frustration....and the feeling of "not again.... I am done". I went through that a LOT of times since my first search efforts in 1987 until my last in 2004. I would search.. and give up. Search and cry. Search and scream. Search and swear "never again". I would do it for 3 months... quit for 2 years... do it for 2 weeks... quit for 4 years......


That is how it goes.....sometimes.

And only you know if it is worth it.. or not.

I really do think that CC will eventually find them for you. So maybe the answer is to "pay the money".... and then forget about it for the 12-18 months it takes them to get around to you. Pay the money.. know that you have done all you can... and get on with life. Quit hanging on 'when' and 'what' and 'why'.

Then again there are big time search companies that find answers like REAL quick.... of course they are BIG TIME expensive..... and, like you... I didn't want to go that route. But some people do ... and get their answers fast.

So.... is it something you want... or not... or inbetween?

Do you want it NOW... or are you really ready for a break? That is necessary sometimes.... I understand that.

Do you want to know you have the "ball rolling"... while you are "on break"... or do you want to just walk away?

These are things that only you can answer....

If we knew how the reunion would turn out it would make it a lot easier wouldn't it???? I know that if I knew then what I know now I would have PAID THE BIG BUCKS.... to get here. It is great. I wish everyone could have what I have. But... that isn't the way it is. Some people find what Cheryl62 and Shirleyville have found.... vast amounts of quiet... or barely anything at all.... and that can be painful.... perhaps more painful than nothing.

Sit.. ponder.... and let's see who else finds you here... and adds their thoughts. In the meantime... I haven't given up hope that if you get something moving - when the time is right it will all fall together....

[snow princess]

Hval

Hi - friend of Christi's here !

I dont live in MN but I do have lots of time on the internet if there is anything I can do online to help, pop me a PM and let me know

Mary

[antifloyd]

Hval: I know of a search angel who helped a co-worker of mine. I have contacted her to see if she could/would help you. If she gives me her permission, I will PM her email address.
She was able to find my co-worker's bmom last year. I know she does charge, but don't know the cost involved.
If not her, I know some other people I can put you in touch with.

[FL_GirlByProxy]

(((HVAL))) Major prayers to you. I'm a birthmom who went through CC for my birthson's adoption. Last year, I reached out to them, for only non-identifying info about my birthson, I was very worried about him given the state of the world these days. For me, their fee was based on how much the search would entail. I was able to write a letter asking his mom and dad for information, and also detailing how my life has gone. I wrote the letter in August. CC found my birthson's parents at the end of November, they had not moved, all their contact information was the same as it was 20 years ago. CC sent their own letter to my birthson's mom and dad, and THEY RESPONDED IMMEDIATELY. When they got my letter, and saw the August date, they were extremely irritated that it took that long for CC to contact them. CC's answer was, "She was persistent, and we were waiting to see if she would go away." On the brightest side of things, I met my birthson, his parents and grandmother in mid-December, and it's been just amazing. I've met his other grandparents, his cousins, and his aunt. I am telling you about the tough part, the wait, because I tell everyone who is searching through CC to BE PERSISTENT, contact them often, and don't give up. In my case, all they needed to do was pull a file and send a letter, followed by giving us each other's email addresses and a little non id information. We took it from there.

I am praying that you find peace in whatever you decide. You don't need to decide this very second, take your time. I am really sorry that that search company stole your money. Can your state attorney general's office do anything for you as far as getting your money back? What they did was fraudulent, IMO.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. As difficult and frustrating as the time was for me from when I sent the letter to when they were contacted, I am extremely blessed with the outcome. I never expected to know all of them now, and yet it happened. Don't lose faith, you never know.

[Hval]

FL_GirlByProxy, antifloyd, snow princess, & ChristiBender,

Thank you all for the thoughts, and kindness.

antifloyd, You let me know about this person...
...I will consider ALL options.

It would be nice to find someone trustworth, helpful, and honest.


Here's a tidbit to "y'all" (as people south of Minnesota often say):

I was able to go as far (for my frmr search co) to provide the name of the person AT THE HOSPITAL who is in charge of birth records.
...see, as you're probably well aware, everyone in the world can look at records.
Everyone, that is, except the adoptee.

-->BUT, as the noted therapist Stuart Smalley would note, "that's just stinkin' thinkin'."

See, that's the kind of "poor me" adoptee whining that I would normally discourage.

Here's what I think I'll do:
I'll craft a letter to her and mail it out today.
What can it hurt?
Really.

I'll explain my situation and see what happens.

Interestingly, I met a friend in third grade. She was in my class. She was born... (are you ready?)
On the same day.
Of the same year.
At the same hospital.

That narrows the search by one!

ALRIGHT.
My head seems clearer.
Lets get cracking on that letter.
Woo-hoo!

~Hval

[summer324]

GRRRRRRR had a long post and it went POOF!!

Anyway.........
Hey there Hval.....so sorry to hear that the search company flopped on you after all that time.....I really was hoping that they would come through for you since you waited so patiently. I am sure you have had some steaming emotions over this.....but...you are back...YAAY!!!! Its time to get back to work like Christi said. We are all here for ya! I have quite a bit of spare time on my hands these days so I can dig if you need me too.

Did you draft the letter to the woman in records? WOW....What a lead. Lets just hope she has a heart. Thats all we need and she could give you something...anything.....oh the waiting....I hope this letter made the situation sound extrememly pitifull.....I
know you can write well!!!!!

As far as the fees for CC...I believe they run their program a lot like Social Services.....I had the long wait with them too. I had to wait over 2 years for my no ident. info....so they waived that fee....but normally they have all the different stages in search and reunion broken down....a fee for the non ident info...then if you choose to move forward with the search you pay a fee for that...then a fee if they orchestrate a reunion...so on....I am pretty sure that is how they work theres also. I would call and double check though. I was really fortunate and hardly had to pay anything...their fees were minimal....sorry to hear that yours aren't. Will you get anything back from the other search company? Fat chance I am sure.

Well.....how is your son? Is he still liking school....Hope you all are well and I am here to help if ya need me!!

HUGS

Lisa

[hprestonalexand]

Hello hval,
Oh, so many of us truly know how you feel right now.
This can be so straining and emotionally draining and you are right, sometimes you just want to throw in the towel and focus on you and your kids. I do that, allot
But I always come back and start searching again, it is a part of me now, the need to know who I am and it is not just for me, it is for my kids too and my sanity for crying out loud'.

Please, please know you so much support here, so many people who care and who do truly understand you.

Take care of yourself, get some rest, take some Nyquil, go for a bike ride, write a poem or song.
Smile, take care and talk. We are here

[Hval]

Hurray!
Hey everyone, it's Lisa aka "Summer324"!

Nice to hear from you.

There have been many occasions when I myself, have masterfully crafted the best post/letter/response...EVER IN THE HISTORY OF WRITTEN WORD...
...only to have it go:

POOF! ...and disappear forever.

To your question:

YES.
I DID write the letter to the hospital.
I DID send it off today.
and I included my phone numbers, emails and a self-addressed stamped envelope, just in case.

So, we'll see?
What can it hurt?

I'll keep you posted.

And, yes, MY SON STILL LOVES SCHOOL (1st grade, doing well). Thank you for asking.

-HVAL

[ChristiBender]

HVAL.... way to go dude.... you just never know.

My info (bparent's names) came to me in the form of a "registry request" that was supposed to go to the registry but somehow the envelope mysteriously got addressed to ME instead.

Angels are everywhere....

Hopefully there is one in the records dept of the hospital....

The self addressed envelope was a good idea... just one little paper from a copy machine.. slipped into an envelope...

Ah... wouldn't that be cool.

I will send telepathic messages about that into the universe.... what can it hurt?????

SUMMER... bout time you popped in here again!!! How goes the belly (baby) growth?

[summer324]

Glad to hear the letter was written and mailed. I do like the idea of the self addressed stamped envelope!!!!! GOOD THINKING!! How hard could it be to just slip a piece of paper in there and be done with it. HEE HEE......I love it. I hope she feels the same! I'll join Christi with the telepathy and anything else I can think of!!!!! Fingers, toes, arms and legs will be crossed and let me tell you....in my condition that is NOT pretty

Christi...baby is fine...getting bigger...went today and they average him at 3lb 14 oz already....average for now is about 3....YIKES!!!!! Still have gained under 20 so I am doing ok with that part. HEY IDEA Maybe I could rub my belly like a budah to make a wish for you Hval....hee hee Im hanging in there though.....UGH......hopefully not too much longer.

Hval....Hang in there!! We are all definitely rooting for you!!!! Glad to hear the little one still loves school!!! Thats a help!! I know my older ones got out of that REAL quick....lol Enjoy it while it lasts!!

Talk to you all soon.

Lisa

[ChristiBender]

Summer twice in a day....??? Do you have a crush on HVAL???

I think the rubbing the belly thing is PERFECT!!!! Maybe it will work.

Hum... anyone else out there????????

[FL_GirlByProxy]

Hi Christi ~ I am here! How are you!!

HVAL ~ Awesome that you got all of that done. I think it's great. It took me sometime to get my agency letter together and mail it!

One of the traditions that I chose to keep, from my Catholic upbringing, is to pray to certain saints for certain things. For something I have lost, I pray to St. Anthony, "St. Anthony, please help me find this person/thing that I have lost. She/it is very special to me." (I wonder if my lost sanity applies sometimes? LOL) For hopeless cases, I pray to St. Jude, "St. Jude, please help me with this, with whatever you think is right." That way, you know you just aren't praying for things to go YOUR way, it's for whatever is best, God's plan. It's just my thing. My big sister will always rub my son's head, age 14 with a wiffle, and say "watermellon, watermellon." She prays to the saints also, but believes in my son's wiffle haircut. I say, whatever gets you through it, do it. Summer, I say rub that belly, you never know. Your a mom, with that life growing inside you, how appropriate, IMO. HVAL, please know that I only mean respect, and that I'm wishing you the very very best in everything. Some folks draw strength from different places, you never know what might make you feel better, less stressed!