[Feb88]

I'm a 47 year old adoptee who just started my search for my bmom. I've always known I was adopted and felt comfortable that everyone else knew. But lately I've felt a nagging need to know more about my bfamily. I've requested my adoption file and am waiting for my information. The issue is that I haven't told anyone--my husband, my dearest friends, my parents... I just can't bring myself to talk about it and I don't understand why. I am so excited(nervous) and it would be so nice to share this with someone but I just can't bring myself to open up. I don't know if I ever will be able to. I hate keeping this secret but something holds me back from talking about it. I would love to hear from other adoptees who are/have been faced with the same feelings.

[DeeLwsn]

Girl, what kind of stress are you putting yourself through?
First, tell your husband - if he is all you say he is, he will be supportive and give you the support to tell your aparents. After the "shock" you will be surprised on how much support they will offer.
You have the right to have your questions answered...just be prepared, it is not always a "walk in the park"- you must be willing to take the good with the bad no matter what. Learned that the hard way.
You have NOTHING to be afraid of...take a deep breath and just do it! How releaved you will be once it is out in the open!

[blankenb4]

You need to tell at least your husband. The journey towards reunion, no matter what the outcome is an emotional rollercoaster. You need support in this journey. I know somewhat of how you feel. When I decided to search for my bdaughter, I was scared to tell my husband for fear of what he would think. He knew of her existance but that was it. But I finally decided that I must let him know that I was about to embark on this incredibly important journey. He has been nothing but a pillar of strength for all of my emotions.

Good luck,

Barbara

[goma]

Hi there!!!

I understand you... I´m not an adoptee, but a future a mom...I´ve had the same fear, which is not a fear really... It´s just that I don´t want to make the adoption fact so public (I don´t know why); however, little by little it´s been easier for me to talk about it and to comment that with my family and some friends.... Not that I am so open about it yet.....

Just take your time,,, and you will feel ready to tell your family... Just remember,, there is nothing wrong about telling..... It´s the best choice.

[Lis6191]

Feb88, I would like to echo Barbara:

The journey towards reunion, no matter what the outcome is an emotional rollercoaster.

There's lot of info out here that you can read to prepare and then talk to your husband. My hubby has felt so helpless at times as he watched me crumble emotionally. My kids were babies when I was found, and though I always wanted to search, I don't think it was the right time for me to be "found." Although some would ask if there was ever going to be a "right time."

I can think of a few good threads for you to read, but this one has lots of search and reunion info in it:
Sent my letter today.

Keep us posted

[FatBirdy]

Hi Feb88,
When I searched I too kept it a big secret. It was almost like it was so internal I didn;t have the words to say it out loud. I finally did tell people but this was something that I just felt that I had to go alone. However, I was not married. I think your husband will likely be great support for you so do tell him BUT there are no rules here. Just do what you find comfortable!!! Good luck with your search. It is quite a ride!!

[Montraviatommyg]

I'm a bmum who is in reunion with my bson and it isn't just adoptees who go throgh your sort of feelings. Your search is about you and therefore very personal but even if you only tell your husband you will have one person there for you for support, believe me when I say you will need it.

When my bson was adopted 23 years ago I was told I wouldn't be allowed to search for him, wouldn't have known how to even if I had tried . As it turned out I found him by accident as he had been searching for me and had put my details on Genes Reunited so I emailed him. My husband knew about him and I am glad he has been there for me even though I have at times just wanted our reunion to be just between us. This is fine when things are going well but I thank god that in reality my husband has been there as it was difficult at times in the early days but fortunately things have settled down now.

Good luck!

Montravia
bmum happily in reunion with bson

[clion]

I searched for over 30 years before finally finding my birthmother - and it has been a fulfilling reunion and continuing relationship. My brother by adoption searched and found members of his birthfamily. Our father died when we were in our teens. Neither one of us told our mother that we were actively searching. When he finally found his, he did not tell Mother because at that point in time she was in poor health and he felt it was best not to. Although our situation is a little different than your in that our Mother had given us the only nonID information she was slipped by a nurse, we still sensed her fear that if we found our birthfamily they might become more important to us - a fear I'm becoming to understand that many birthparents have.
I always shared the fact that I was adopted as I was raised being told that my birthmother loved me very much but things beyond her control happened and she had to give me up. So I always considered my self extra lucky because I had parents from both sides who loved me. When I married again later in life, my husband knew I was searching. He was the most marvelous support anyone could ever hope for = always there by my side, encouraging when I needed it, understanding when I would back off, never pushing, and when I found her was ready to leave immediately if I wanted and she wanted to meet.I was very, very blessed. Others have mentioned that the journey of search can be like a rollercoaster ride and they are very right. It is a tremendous help to have at least one person to talk with and be there for you.
I would also encourage you to continue to come to these forums. They are so many wonderful people from all sides of the triad who will be there for you to listen, to encourage, to share to laugh to cry with you. I was not aware of this forum until after I had already found Mom. But I am so thankful it is here for others

[Smile62]

Yes ! I feel exactly the same way. It's funny .. I am near the eve of my 43rd birthday. I've always wondered if my birth mother wondered all these years what happened to me. I too have known my whole life that I was adopted. I've had a simply wonderful life - wonderful adoptive parents, terrific family, and awesome friends. I worry about actually finding my birth mother and all the expectations that may go along with it. I don't know where to start. I just found this web-site today when I started surfing for sites.

[blankenb4]

Smile62,

Of course your birthmother has though about you over the years. I am sure that she has wondered about what type of life you have and if you are happy. It's only natural.

Barbara

[Feb88]

All, Thank you all for the information and advice you have given me. You made me realize I will need emotional support and I can't go this alone. I still don't have a handle on why I'm just not comfortable talking about my search and maybe I never will. I've decided that when my file arrives I will tell my husband and we can sit down and open it together.

Smile62, If I didn't know better, I'd swear I wrote your post. Our stories are so similar and we are only about four years apart in age. Finding this forum is the best thing that could have happened to me as I started my search. It is so good to know that there are people that think just like you do and know exactly what you are going through.

Feb

[snuffie]

Hi Feb,
I am a reunited adoptee who had searched for many, many years. And understand why you are reluctant to share that you are searching with anyone. I think on some level I was a.) afraid of the reaction because a lot of people just don't understand b.) I am a private person and found it difficult to share c.) maybe there is a fear that things won't go the way we planned and we may be horribly disappointed.

But I totally agree with the others. You will need someone to hug and support you no matter how your search goes. Mine had a happy ending - but there are emotional ups and downs that go with that too. My husband has been so supportive and he has also given insight into some things I was too close to the situation to see.
Much happiness in your search and reunion.

Snuffie

[Cheryl62]

Hi! Boy do we sound alike. I started searching at 42, and I didn't tell anyone at first either. Not even my husband - which I really couldn't understand, because he's my best friend, biggest support, someone I tell EVERYTHING to. So what the heck was up with that? I asked the same question you're asking here.

I think it was a combination of things. On one hand, I was really scared - and I don't show that side of myself very easily. I also felt kind of, I dunno, like people wouldn't understand it - would think I was weak, needy, insecure, or, well, odd to be wanting this at my age. I don't show weakness all that well either. But mostly, I think it was because I didn't know why yet myself - so many thoughts were racing around in my mind. I wasn't sure I wanted to look, wasn't sure why NOW, or whether this was a passing mood that I should just ride out since it may be way safer emotionally to leave it alone. I'm not much of a risk-taker either! So, lots of thoughts - but I didn't use him as a sounding board - I think because I felt so dang vulnerable in a funny way.

I did tell him after a few days (some forum buddies here kinda prodded me into it ), and whew was that a relief! And of course he did understand, and not only that, he helped me sort through my hesitancy to leap into the search with both feet. But he has been great about not prying too much, not pressuring me, not asking constantly what's going on. In this, like in everything else, he just seems to "get" how to help me most, even though his exposure to adoption is pretty much only what I've shared with him. I could never, never, have gotten through this without his support, particularly when my outcome was so uncertain (still is!) and not as rosy as many other stories here.

Whatever you decide, this place has a lot of support to offer too, though. For me, I needed both. Other adoptees, birthparents, adoptive parents that knew and could share experiences. And those real-live hugs from someone I knew I could always count on.

Best to you on this journey!

Cheryl