[Pagan]

Forgive me if this has been asked many times before, but I couldn't find it through forum search. It's the question I came here to find an answer to.

How long did everyone here have to wait between sending a letter and getting a response? I've found my bmum, confirmed through public records that it's her (fortunately she has a unique surname in the UK), and written to her about 3 weeks ago. I'm still waiting, and I've just written again today.

Is that normal, or is it an indication that she isn't going to reply?

So that's it, how long did anyone here who has made contact have to wait?

Thanks.

[Richard Justin]

Hi Pagan

I had to wait only two days, but I've participated in threads on these forums where people have talked about waiting several weeks or months and still received positive- if tentative- responses. I think you were right to send a follow-up letter, and I hope it brings the respose you want. While you are waiting, just remember how long you took to prepare for your search, and allow as how your bmum may need that much time to prepare her response.

Best wishes in your search.

Rich

[Jackiejdajda]

Pagan

She may be on vacation.. There may be many reasons why she has not replied..

Negative thinking is pointless.. That is what I have learned.


Jackie

[Pagan]

Thank you for your replies.

Whilst I'm trying not to be negative, I'm also trying to brace myself for a potentially negative outcome, which looks more and more likely every day, and I think I'm genuinely giving up.

Originally posted by Richard Justin

While you are waiting, just remember how long you took to prepare for your search, and allow as how your bmum may need that much time to prepare her response.

That's perhaps why I'm being too impatient, it took me only the time to actually find her, which was approximately 5 or 6 days, the letter was then drawn up immediately and posted first thing the next morning. I keep thinking she's had years and years, surely by now she's thought about whether she wants to know me or not?

I know that she has no children of her own, though she is married. The rest of her blood family know about me, as they're nearly all mentioned in the social services report. The pregnancy itself was not due to rape or anything untoward, I don't think there could be a more straight-forward situation. Perhaps her husband doesn't know, but after 3 weeks surely she's either tried to tell him or not.

Forgive me, I just need to get some of this off my chest.

[ingodshands]

Three weeks is not a long time to be waiting......although it feels like it when you are the one waiting!

"Perhaps her husband doesn't know,"

Maybe he doesn't. This is probably a huge shock to your birthmum that you have found her. If he doesn't know, she will need to think about how/if she is going to tell him.

It's quite common for some birthmum's to keep this secret from future husband's and children, for fear of being "judged". And also the shame and guilt that many of them feel. If she has kept this a secret from him, it will not be easy for her to just "tell" him. It is going to take time, patience etc.

Hang in there, don't give up yet, it's early days. One thing I will say though, don't try to make any more contact for a while, give her time, otherwise she may think you are being "pushy".

Collette

[Renda]

Pagan,

Three weeks is not long at all, it could take her a lot longer than that, even months as she may have a lot to come to terms with.

Take each day as it comes when she does contact with no pressure, you never know what the outcome will be, so be prepared for anything.

My sister found her b mother here (uk) and it went well for a couple of letters and then when the intermediary suggest meeting up her b mother backed up, said she couldnt face it and that was even though they had seemed to be getting on so well.

Not trying to dampen your fire, but just trying to be realistic.

I hope it goes well for you,

[Pagan]

Again, thank you all for your replies.

Could I just ask the general question though, after how long would people agree that it's time to start trying to come to terms with the idea that the person you have contacted will not get back to you? I've heard 3 months bantered around as a reasonable cut-off date, and whilst there are always exceptions and some people who may take years, at some point I need to move on.

Do people agree with the 3 month idea?

Many thanks.

[Jackiejdajda]

Pagen.. I am very sorry you are going through this..
It must be awful..

I say give it some time..

Jackie

[lizardco]

I can relate...KEEP the faith!

XO,

E!

[Montraviatommyg]

Hope you don't have to wait too long, if I was in your position I think I would find it so frustrating. I'm a bmum and emailed my bson first but was fortunate that my wait was short.

Montravia

[lizardco]

I hope she will find a way to come forward and at least acknowledge me! Beyond that, it will be a blessing!

XO,

E!

[OpalGirl79]

A caseworker in the state I was adopted in contacted me and said that she had found my birthmother, and that my birthmother would be sending me a letter as soon as she told her family. I later learned that she had a husband of 20 years who didn't know about any of this, and she also had a grown daughter to tell. I can't imagine how scared she was to reveal this secret to them.

But anyway, the time between hearing my birthmother was found, and when I got the letter was only a little over two weeks. I was shocked that it came so fast, I was expecting a least a month, OR MORE.

Another thing you have to consider is that she might be scared to contact you. She doesn't know why you want to reunite. Are you angry at her? Do you want something from her? Money? An explanation? An apology? What have you written in your letters?

I made very sure to tell the the caseworker in my situation to tell my birthmother that I had a great childhood, and only wanted to know my vital statistics. (Health/Ancestry) That way, I could feel out whether my birthmother was interested in more once I got her intial letter.

Good luck Pagan - you're in my thoughts.

As for your question about the 3 month mark... I guess after 3 months maybe you can start to move on, but you never know. I see you posted this December, so I'm curious to hear what came of your story.

[laxrick]

If I were you, I'd obtain a phone number or e-mail address if you had her name. I dunno in this day and age if I could wait for the postal service to work. If that's your only means, try sending a picture and send it certified. The inevitable resemblance must be enough to shake her into contacting back.

[gracecooper]

Hi

I understand the waiting period. It is so frustrating you think you are going to lose it. I had to wait 5 weeks before I got a letter back and then in the letter she told me not to contact her again. I was devastated but then 4 weeks later she called me and we talked. She finally admitted she was my mother and another month later she was able to talk to her family about me. You have to remember you have had a lot more time to digest this and think through things. This is a shocker for the bmom. Take it slow we are now planning on meeting in two months and everything couldn't be better. Good luck!

[lizardco]

Grace..you HIT it right on!!! I waited 3 LONG months for the response but when it came it far surpassed my expectations and dreams!!!

Mary Ann had to let it digest and then tell her VAST family of me...it all worked out in the end...I am truly thankful for that!

XO,

E!