[TampaBabyGirl]

I recently read a post that said "I'm searching for my bmom because I want to know who I am and my med history" Call me crazy, but I'd like to think that before I anyone would drag themselves through the insanity that this process can be would KNOW who they are. I think that, for ME anyway, that I had to wait until I KNEW who I was and what I believed before I started looking. Speaking from experience(what a corny thing to say!!LOL) I know that finding myself was something that neither my amom or bmom could help me with. I think it's really important to know who you are before you do this. I think that if you're comfortable with your life and you know that people love you, no matter what the outcome then you're better prepared for anything. I'm not sharing the fact that I'm looking with my amom or adad, because I don't want to hurt them, and I'm afraid that's what it would do. But I know that if I was to go to them and say "I found my bmom, but she wants nothing to do with me" they would hug me and tell me it's ok and that they love me. Their love is all I've ever known and it's all I'm comfortable with. I'm not looking for another mom(cuz lord know's one is PLENTY) but there are questions that I want answers too. I want to know why. And, crazy as it sounds, I want to know who I look like. I want someone to look at me and go "Oh wow, you have my nose". I know that may never happen for me, but it just might. There's no way of knowing.
I guess I just wanted to say to all of the adoptees out there that I would suggest learning to love yourself and get to know yourself before you start this crazy journey. And it's GOING to be crazy, no matter what happens in the end.
Again this is all IMHO.
Good luck to you all, and may you find what you're looking for.
Mary

[blankenb4]

MARY,

I BELIEVE THAT ANYONE IN THE TRIAD WHETHER THEY BE ADOPTEES, BPARENTS, OR APARENTS NEED TO LEARN TO LIKE THEMSELVES NO MATTER WHAT. IF YOU LIKE YOURSELF, IT IS EASIER TO DEAL WITH WHATEVER COMES DOWN THE PIKE. THE ADOPTION TRIAD JOURNEY IS DEFINITELY AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER.

BARBARA

[StevieGirl]

Very good post Mary.

And I totally agree. You have to be secure in yourself before you can go down that road. Finding your birthfamily will not tell you who you are. The people they are, do not make you who you are. You experiences in life, how you were raised, the friends you've made . . . . all that defines who you are.

I think too many people go into a search thinking they're giong to find a solution to their life . . . . then they come to find just more issues - more problems.

I think the healthiest attitude to have before searching is "I don't NEED to do this. But I want to."

Too many people think that adoption is the root of all their problems, so if they find their natural parents, then everything will be okay. But that's just a scapegoat, IMO.

So if you're not sure who you are . . . . take time to find that out. Don't have expectations that people who don't even know you will be able to tell you.

[snuffie]

I also agree. Finding your bfamily is a very emotionally draining process. You have to be quite secure to deal with everything no matter if your reunion is wonderful or awful.

While finding your bfamily does make you who you are. It sure can clear up any "Wonder why I do this" things My husband has always teased me about the unique way I hold my arms and hands when I walk. Bmom did the same thing! There are many other things too.

I also agree that no one should go into a reunion planning on it solving all of their problems. Soul searching etc. should go on BEFORE the reunion. Finding one self should also go on before the reunion.

Reunions take maturity and open mindedness.

Best wishes to everyone in their reunion!

[TampaBabyGirl]

thanks for the responses guys...I feel very strongly on this issue. I understand the longing and the feeling as if something is missing...but if you expect too much....there can only be dissapointment....if you think the worst...there can only be satisfaction....Anyway, I know that's been said a MILLION times here(if not more) but I just wanted to say it once again!!
To everyone here : may you find what you're looking for!
Love,
Mary

[bemyhunnybee]

I do agree with the common theme of "knowing oneself before setting off on the search" but something has to be said for those who say they are searching because they want to "know who they are." I can understand why fellow adoptees say this and phrase it in such a way.
I was confident and secure with who I was before the search and reunion. This helps with ones ability to cope with the reunion and the whole "TRIAD" within the reunion. I think its a case of maturity and readiness for the journey and where it may lead. Nothing can totally prepare you for what the reunion brings. (Feelings and thoughts get churned up inside that you may never have thought would happen. They need to be given the time to be processed in their own right. Everyone's reunion is unique and therefore a unique set of emotions and feelings churn within them. For some this is all easy and for some it hits them like a ton of bricks and is very complex.) As mature, secure and confident as I was, one main driving force for me to locate my birth family was to answer the same question a lot of others have...... "Who am I?"
(If I may explain what this meant for me it may bring clarity) I wanted to know my roots, my culture, my history, my family background. All these good things DO make up who I am and before heading into the search these are things I didn't know.
Some adoptees feel they need to know their roots to feel whole or complete.... some adoptees are comfortable taking on the roots and culture that their adoptive families provide. Some of us have to settle with not getting as many answers about our history as we wanted. After time comes acceptance. Some find a balance between their adoptive background and the information they get from their biological background in order to come to some understanding of "who they are." It seems the unknown is the "missing puzzle piece" that for some of us is always present until we start to get some answers.
Well..... this is all just IMHO as well but it might shed some light on why people search for the purpose of finding out who they are.