[StephenUpcott]

I don't think I have a very satisfactory reason for wanting to find my birth parents. I'm just curious. Perhaps I'd like to just sit down for coffee with my birth mother and chat about politics or literature. Not as mother and son, but as two human beings who have a common bond. Genetics.

[snuffie]

Hi!

Just read your post. Ahh, curiosity we all have that. But so many of us have other feelings deep down inside hiding even from ourselves. They don't come to the surface until the reunion and then they hit like a slap in the face. So if you do decide to search be prepared.
Also, have you thought about the impact on your bmom? If you do find her and she has waited her whole life to find and know you will she be satisfied with the reason "curiosity"; will she want more than that? What will it do to her if you show up and want to discuss superficial things when she longs to have you as a son? That is why it is called the "adoption triad" I guess because there is more than just one person's feelings that need to be taken into consideration.
Just my thoughts.
Snuffie

[StephenUpcott]

Curiousity is a good reason for looking. If you boil away all the pretense, that is the only reason. Curiousity for medical information, curiousity about reasons why, just plain curiousity. In addition, I am not looking for a mother, since I already have parents, a wife and a son. Biology does not make my birth mother a mother. That is a culturally determined role. If my birth mother (for lack of a better term) wants to be in contact with me there won't be any expectations. She will not have to fill some lost void in my life. She will simply come as a friend to discuss the banal or perhaps the personal and often times painful issues of giving up a baby.

[wretzack]

StephenUpcott,

Hi. Just read your post. You are absolutely right. You don't need a reason. Curiousity is a pretty huge umbrella though. It covers many many things. And if curiousity is your reason...then so be it. And you sure don't need to have a "satisfactory" reason. Your reasons shouldn't matter...what matters is that you WANT to. Thats it. Maybe along the way some questions might be answered...or not. I liked how you said you wanted to sit with her and just have some conversation. Not as a mother - son. But just as two people getting to know each other. Stephen...I am a Bmom looking for my 27 year old son in Minnesota. Haven't found him yet....but when I do....if he is even willing to just simply have coffee with me and some conversation.....that will be a dream come true. That would be so awesome. I really hope you pursue this. You never know....you may be doing her a WORLD of good...by just letting her know that you turned out fine, and have a good life. I will be checking here for updates, K??

Simone

[Nicole28]

StephenUpcott...

I really enjoyed your post. I agree with you - us adoptee's don't NEED a reason. Our desire to know our biological family is personal, there is no "right or wrong" reason. However, the law says differently, and that is a shame.

I agree with you also when you write that biology does not automatically make your birthmom your mother. I think you worded that perfectly!

How is your search progressing? I hope to see updates soon.

[royaldutchess]

I also searched or at least knew I always wanted to search because I was curious about a lot of things. My older brother is also adopted and we have a younger brother who is not adopted. My adopted parents always talked very highly of my birthparents even though it was a closed adoption. They always told us that it took a lot of courage to give up a child and that they were very good people. I never had a doubt in my mind that I wouldnt search. But my push to begin my search was after September 11th. I was worried that something would happen and I wouldnt be able to know the things I wanted to know. Oddly enough, my birth father had passed away seven months before I started my search so I will never have that experience. I have just recently in the past seven months been reunited with my bmom and have a great relationship with her. I also have been in contact and visited my bfather's wife and my half sister. It was super hard on me to find out my worst fear had come true, but I am glad that I know-for medical reasons.

--Ashley

[paigeturner]

I've enjoyed this thread. I'm a bmom and just now, after 21 years, am starting to explore the idea of searching (or at least registering somewhere so that if he is searching he can find me). Curiosity is the main reason for me. What did he turn out like? Is he happy? What are his political and religious affiliations? Is he in college... simple curiousity. I know he was shaped by his parents, but I wonder if any "nature" is there in him along with the "nurture".

The idea of sitting down and discussing "politics and literature" over a cup of coffee would be wonderful. I have those types of adult conversations with my 19 year old daughter and they're great. But I suspect that a reunion would be much more complicated than that, and I'm not sure if that's what I want. I do believe though that its more about what an adoptee wants...and you're right, you don't need a reason.

[Jackiejdajda]

paigeturner wrote..But I suspect that a reunion would be much more complicated than that,

I believe the core of reunion is what the original poster posted..

Just sitting and having cakes and tea...

TS Eliot wrote..

Do I dare.. Do I dare.. Disturb the universe..

Jackie

[royaldutchess]

My bmom and I have thrown the nature vs. nuture theory out the window. We are so much a like its not even funny. Not only do we look so much a like but facial expressions, hand gestures, voice inflections, things like that are in common. We also both went to small Iowa private colleges in the same conference, both enjoyed the same sports, and her job is something that is in my field of study. Some people say those are just coinsidence (not sure if thats how you spell that..)..i have loved connecting with my mom and sharing those small things. it has brought us so much closer!! Even though my bmom says the reason i am the way i am is because of my parents, its still those small things that connect us is amazing.
--Ashley

[l-thompson]

But I suspect that a reunion would be much more complicated than that, and I'm not sure if that's what I want.

And your suspicions would be correct
Reunion is very complicated, emotionally charged and feelings that you never even thought you would have catch you unawares.
I began searching yes, because I was very curious and I wanted some kind of family background - medical as well as just my basic heritage, not only for me but for my two children.
I thought I was prepared - I didn't have any expectations at all, I didn't really think too much on what would happen after the search had been completed..I had searched for so many years my only focus was on searching.
When contact had been made and the communications began I was completely overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of my emotions and my feelings.
Yes, reunion is very complex and although just sitting down over a cup of coffee and just having a chat is a very nice thought, the dynamics involved in reunion go so much deeper.

[StephenUpcott]

Since I tend to cry at Hallmark commercials, I doubt I'd be able to sit like a Vulcan sipping Sanka when I eventually meet my birth-mother; however, emotion will not change the dynamic too much. I am a man of reason. It is my ply and trade.

[Sidney]

Glad to know there's another one out there. I consider myself a man of reason too.

Of course, there are other individual's lives involved in a reunion; you would do well to consider those as well, for they can create a radical change in your world and theirs. For example, not all searches end with good results: sometimes you find the dark side of life, rape, incest, etc. or family members who do not want an ongoing relationship. Preparing yourself is wise, should you find negative outcomes from your search out of "curiosity."

--Sid

[Tahoegal]

Searching.... needing a reason, or lack there of, in searching is one thing..... finding.... now that is another.

I think we all venture into this out of curiosity. Curiosity in itself being the drive, the lure. No other reason for searching is necessary for justification. But for some of us, perhaps it is the simple, sweet, naivety of curiosity, prepares and charges us for the searching.... thinking the search is the whole journey..... the search is the quest.... the fufillment to curiosity. Nay. Once the search is done, and something is found, that is where the true journey begins. It is a journey inward, deep into ourselves. Regardless of the outcome of the search, in retrospect, I believe we find in ourselves underlying expectations. Expectations of what the search is/was supposed to be like. Expectations of what we were to find. Expectations of what we were hoping to get out of what is at the end of each of our searches. I assure you, each of us has expectations, perhaps they are different for each of us, perhaps some of them we are not entirely aware of, but they are there.

Searching is one thing, Finding another, Reunion entirely different. I was prepared for the search, I was overwhelmed by the findings, I am taken back at the prospects of initiating reunion. Why? Because deep down, I have expectations for what I am ultimately going to get out of searching, finding, and knowing. Deep down I fear that what I expect, perhaps even unknowingly, will not line up with what is behind that door, and because of that gap between expectation and reality, there will be dissapointment.

I have spent the last year trying in vain to identify and do away with my expectations, and I tell you it is impossible. It is impossible because speculation is NOT knowing. There is no way to know or prepare yourself for what you will find, and if you could, where is the adventure then? While you perhaps don't need reasons, you might still find yourself at an impass when it comes to expectations. Then you have a choice, you can live your life with the curiosity and the infinite possibilities of 'what if?', or you can dive headfirst into the unknown.

Just jump.

[Donoralou]

I believe adoptees have a right to information about their heritage and reasons for their adoption. When my son "found" me almost 5 years ago, he essentially said what you said, "Maybe we could get together over a cup of coffee..." Unfortunately, most birthmothers want MORE than that because many of us are thrown into grief by the reunion experience. That's what happened to me...Although I knew my son no longer needed me "to be his mother," (what 44 year old man needs a mother ?) both he and I were (and still are) ignorant of what reasons he actually had for searching. He said, "I had questions and voids..." but he continues the relationship even though it has been very rocky for both of us and he told me I told him MORE than he needed to know ! (I told him he was never "unwanted," I always loved him, I didn't want to surrender him, and I never forgot him...) I thought that would be good for him to know, but it seemed to cause him great emotional distress.

[WhoDoILookLike]

I am curious too. But... I also have feeling attached to that curiosity. Feelings that I'm not sure make being curious enough of a reason to have those feelings hurt. And we all know Curiosity killed the cat.