[nicnacpattywack]

I really never thought i would ever meet my birth parents. I looked because i wanted to know where i came from - i wanted to see someone i looked like and i was blood related to. I wanted to see the relatives and the pictures and find out where i got this or that in my tastes, looks, habits, etc.
I did not want a relationship. I wanted to just know them.
My birthmother remembered me of course, but she was a stranger to me. You see those shows on TV where everyone hugs and cries - i did cry - but i did not have one ounce of feeling for her, and she wanted to hug me and hold me and it was so strange - i felt nothing. She is a nice person, and i like that i know who she is, but i don't want to have a relationship and that really hurts her feelings. She thought about me, one way or another, every day....her life has been molded around giving me up. I understand her depth of feeling would be different than mine.
My bio father is also nice - he didn't know i existed until i contacted him and he has no expectations but to know eachother - there is very little pressure and i think that's why we get a long better. We e-mail eachother 4 or 5 times a month and go to lunch now and then, but both of us are realistic and know we are just aquaintences - maybe even friends.
I don't know if i'm the only one who feels this way. I love my adopted parents and see tham as the real deal. They are my mom and dad and always will be, i never thought i'd find my bios and have a new life, a new family.....i just wanted a few answers i guess.
Just wanted to share for anyone in the triangle....

[SHRINKIDNK]

I have been searching all over this forum to find a story like yours. Every thread I read, is about how great the reunion was, and how much their ** is a part of their lives. I honestly thought I was crazy! I guess I can only say this because I have not found her yet...and you nevr know if your feelings are going to change. But to be dead honest...all I want to know, is what she looks like..I was lucky in that the social worker used was able to get some medical info...however, I did not recieve that until this past Monday. I can't see myself getting all emotional..hugging and kissing...yes we are blood realted...but listen lady...I don't know you...kepp your hands to yourself! I posted something to this effect on another thread...and people jumped down my throat. They were like, if you are not serious about a reunion...then don't look. I'm sorry but, who are you (them) to tell me what I should or should not be doing. I grew up in the best environment I could have possibly asked for. My parents are the BEST ever! not once growing up did I ever not think of them as my parents. When I was a child my next door neighbor was like...don't you ever want to meet your mom? I was like what are you talking about...my mom is inside. I do not think of this woman as my mother. I don't really even like the term **. Does any of this make any sense to you?
Again, it was really nice to rea a thread where, you had reservations about the situation. Thanks you for that

Mara

[Maryann Merritt]

I just wanted you to know I am a bmom and would love to meet the beautiful girl I gave up. I want to know she's happy and had a great life. Iwant to know I did the right thing and that the people who wanted a daughter so desperately were good and loving. If I ever get the chance to meet her I would probably try to hug her cause I never got the chance to hold her, but I would respect her feelings. I know I am not her mother. I also am adopted so I see both sides. Your mom and dad are the people who dried your tears and kissed your boo-boos and love you no matter what. I just wanted you to know that bmoms don't always know how to react. Sometimes we forget that you are not ours in the ways we wish you were. Sincerely Maryann

[SKiefer]

I'm absolutly floored to find this thread

I feel the same way. I'm in reunion and while I'm not dying to have a relationship with my birthmother - I do keep in contact with her but it's more along the lines of an old friend. My biofather is dead but I have tracked down parts of his family - long story but it's more Montel than it is Jerry Springer - just to get pictures to see if I looked like him. I don't.

Like you my mom & dad are just that - my mom & dad - you only get one set. I have one brother - while my birthmother has had 3 more kids.
People on here ask me why I call her my birthmother if I don't see her as a mother and I can only reply that I use that term so people reading my thread understand me. All my friends know when I say mom I'm talking about mom. My birthmother is J***.

Maryann - please note that when I first met J*** I hugged her and I cried. It might not have been for the same reasons that she was crying and hugging me but I think for me it was because I understood where she was coming from and I felt a little bit of her pain. I read a ton of books about adoption to prepare myself for all the emotions - my favorite being "The Same Smile".

[Hval]

My situation is somewhat similar.
I have been brought up in a very decent situation with two loving parents who, as time goes on, I get even closer to.

For the most part, I too have felt the need more to "see" my bparents, than to become a family with them.

Now, as my search (hopefully) progresses my feelings might change. I can't say how I might react when finally given the opportunity to stand face-to-face with a bparent.

I have no resentment or anger,nor do I have an empty place that "needs" to be filled by meeting my bmom or bdad.

For people to equate this attitude with the statement (as Mara-- SHRINKIDNK--did) that "you're not serious about looking and shouldn't be" is, I think, rather unfair.

We all know that every situation is different.
Every person (adoptee, bparent) is allowed to feel how ever they might.

A part of me would really like to give a big hug out to my bmom...
...that's just me. I'm a thrity-something man that hugs his family and friends. That's kinda my deal.

But, lets not translate that "hug" into a firm commitment to a lifelong situation that involves daily phone calls and the suprise "pop-in" visits.

To be honest, its that potential for additional commitment to additional family that held me from searching for so many years.

So, nicnacpattywack, you're not the only one that feels that way.

...and even if you were?
That would be just fine!

-H.Val.

[nicnacpattywack]

MaryAnn,
i hope you know i care about my bmom and wanted her to know i was happy and safe and she did the right thing. I had read enough and talked to enough bmoms to know that was important to them. The main thing i wanted to say was "thank you for life". She chose to give me life and do what she thought was best for me - i send her flowers on my birthday every year.

To her i am a baby she gave birth to and held and fed. To me she is a stranger. It would be strange to hug and kiss her and feel part of her when i have no memory of her at all. I understand all sides of the triangle as i will probably be an adopted mom soon...i do understand all sides...but we are all such different people and everyone wants the best of all worlds. Unfortunatley, i have a happy fullfilling life and don't have a "bond" with my bmom so we remain distant friends (if you can even call it that) we are cordial and she has stopped pushing a relationship saying "i'll take what i can get". I can't imagine the pain she had to go through but i can't be expected to feel something i don't. I want to be honest.
It's not like the TV shows where everyone kisses and hugs and cries like they are long lost family....i didn't feel that at all - i don't think the adoptees ever do but they want to.

[scarpetta]

Hi How did you get started I only have a name and a state for my mother

[sweetpea42m]

I am very happy to hear that I wasn't the only person that was just curious. My mom thinks that if I want to find or discuss my bios, that it just means she isn't good enough. I just wish she would read your letters and understand. That blood is just blood. Love is something that you don't just come by "accident." I would love to know if I had siblings or nieces or nephews. My dad says it is kind of like pandora's box, once you have opened the box. It's opened, you most likely can't close it. I love my parents and what the gave me was love, comfort, stability and most of all a christian life. What my biological parents gave me was this one thing.. The chance to have the best possible life. I have never wanted for anything in my life. I now have my own baby boy and know the love it takes to raise that family, and some just don't have it to give.

Sorry to go on and on I have just been bottled up for 22 years with no place to talk about being adopted.
Thank you,
Me

[NikkiLGA]

Each adoption is different - and all members of the triad experience different types of feelings. Whatever you feel, you have a right to feel. Whether or not you want a relationship with a member of your birthfamily is also your right.

I, too, have wonderful parents, who have provided me with a great life and good solid Christian background. They told me at a very young age that I was adopted. I always wondered about my birthmom, who she was, where she was, what she looked like, if I looked like her, did she have the same habits, etc? In my mind, I placed this 16 year old young lady up on a pedastal, and thought that if one day she came to look for me, I would be open to meeting her.

Tomorrow will be 2 years since I have been reunited with members of my birth mom's family. Liz (my birthmom) died in 1977 from injuries received in a car accident. So, here I am, with grandparents, etc., photos of my birth mother, some of her possessions, her writings, tapes with her talking and singing, just glimpses into her life. I am not trying to tell anyone what to do in their situation, but you must realize, if I could see Liz, hug her, cry with her, but I can't. My heart grieves - and it is a real grief. A grief that we will never be able to see each other again here on Earth. That in no way discounts the love I have for my parents, but Liz was/is my birth mother, and I do have a love for her, and if she were here, I would welcome a relationship with her, for I know she went through a lot in relinqushing me. If you would like to read my story, go to adoption.com, emag, June 17, 2003, He Did This for Us. by Nikki Lever.

NikkiLGA

[javamama]

to all of you who wrote in to this thread..

this is very good food for thought for me, a birthmom, who recently searched and found my 22 year old daughter. She has written back to me, voicing her being hurt, but having no angry feelings toward me, or rejection.

she is moving ahead very slowly, very cautiously. each correspondence, she opens up a bit more, but is extrememely guarded. i'm trying desperately to understand her position, and thought-process, and respect where she is, and where stands w/ all this.

the thoughts exressed here by you all, puts a very valid, realistic, spin on everything. my daughter has expressed how she hopes that i understand both her "hesitation and her curiosity"...she's eager to learn more info about the facts of her birth, but always at arm's length. it would make perfect sense that she is feeling the things that you are all talking about. She does not feel the same attachement and or connection, and or depth of emotion as i do, but, cannot deny the need or want to know who i am, and where she came from. Perhaps, her greatest concern, is that I will misinterpert her wanting to know me and the facts of her life, w/ her caring about me in any more way than a "distant friend, or acquaintence" as you have suggested.

I will try to keep this all in mind for our next series of communication. It's a helpful piece of info. to have in my mind, and to keep in check..I have never intended to intrude on her life, and/or replace the parents that raised her...it is obviously a very loaded situation for every adoptee...especially, if they feel they cannot reciprocate the same intensity of emotion that they feel birthparent (s) have for them.

thanx for shedding some light on the whole subject for me. As a bmom, i am not taking this as a negative point-of-view. Just a realisitic one!

[nicnacpattywack]

Javamamma,

I can't imagine how you must feel. I am an adoptee and i am in the same position as your daughter. I am very loyal to my parents who i love - they gave me a great life with a lot of love. Even though i know my bmom is a nice person and she must have been a good mom because she has two nice daughters, she is a stranger to me. She remembers me at birth and i recently sent her a baby picture and she got SO upset because that was the picture of me in her mind all these years (she didn't have a photograph). I must have only been 3 weeks old - it was my "coming home" picture. To her, i was this child who she held and of course carried and gave birth to. To me, she is a person i don't know but want to see a resemblance i have never seen with my adopted family.

Another thing is, she is not someone i would usually be friends with. The family is nice but we do not share a lot of the same interests. It would be like picking a stranger at the mall and saying - "let's get to know eachother"....i feel the same about my Bdad and his family.

I think the whole triangle is difficult but it's especially difficult for the adoptee who has ties in both the bmom and the aparents. I do feel a loyalty to my parents and almost feel deceptive and disloyal when i talk to either bparents.

It must be terrible to want a relationship so bad and the other person is not willing (or ready) to have that. There are adoptees who really develop a connection with their bparents - i hope you can have that but it is so kind of you not to push that on your daughter....i have a little resentlment because i was pushed at first.....
Blessings!

[Girlie_Hen]

I can see how these feelings about reunion (but not a relationship) could cause fear in a birthmom. Quite a bit of emotional upheaval, explaining to family and friends (if the relinquishment was secret) to satisfy a natural, legitimate curiousity, and receive a thank you.
Perhaps, if the birthmom's need was only to satisfy curiousity this would be fine.
For me, it's a scary thing about reunion . . . will I be rejected?
And another arguement for open adoption.

[javamama]

to nic...
thanx for that nice response. i am ALWAYS very interested to hear adoptee's points-of-view, for obvious reasons. So many unanswered questions..the sitting, waiting, not knowing.,

The 1st contact w/ my daughter was last May..then it went for nine months (how fitting) until the next correspondence from her. The circumstances for the correspsondence were quite uncanny. She was in her last semester of college, and had to write a paper for a psychology class on "preganancy and the birth process", and had to interview "someone' about their experience in giving birth. She wrote to me to ask if i would be willing to work w/ her on this, and tell her the story of her birth. This to me was a gift from heaven above.

W/ all the emotions that you have written about, feelings of disloyalty toward aparents, and feeling deceptive if/when you communicate w/ your birthparents, i'm sure she was feeling the same. In this case, she was able to set that aside, because, after all, this was a school assignment. It was obviously an emotionally packed week of writing back and forth, for both of us. I tried as hard as possible to answer ONLY what she asked, not bombarding her w/ anything more than she could hanlde. I let her call the shots, and bite off as much as she could chew. I made it clear to her, that my feeling was that i had already made enough choices and decisions regarding her life,now her turn to call the shots.

Again, I am in the waiting stage. Hearing from you how not pushing is appreciated, i think and hope, that this is the key for me to win her trust. Back off until SHE is ready, and until SHE approaches me. Hard as hell, but i feel, with time, it will pay off. It's important to me, that she feels safe knowing that i will not intrude, take over, and take a mile if she gives an inch.

As far as our being different, or would we be the kind of people who would/could be friends...from her writing i already see so many similarities between us. I feel we have the same thought process, and it's a gut feeling i can't quite explain...inutuition you may say.

Her adoptive family are quite wealthy..and she has led quite the priviledged life. For that i am grateful, but i know there will be a difference as far as social hierachy. Personally, i'm not into that whole scene, and quite frankly my husband does quite well, and we have traveled all over the world, and can hold our own. WE are NOT millionaires, and we do NOT live in one of the swankiest towns in my state, and do NOT have a beach house where the rich and famous hang out and play(all of which her family does) but i get a strong sense, that deep inside these are NOT the things that are important to her, either.

I know in my heart, some day we will meet, and/or at least be communicating on a somewhat more regular basis. That time is not now. But, that time is certainly worth waiting for. Again, the point-of-view of her wanting to know about her life, but NOT wanting a close relationship w/ me..is something that will be on the forefront of my mind, and i will be very cautious to not cross that boundary until and unless she is ready.

[theresa ann]

my mother freaked out when i told her i was searching for my ** so i just dont say anything about it. I have mentioned my brother and it doesnt bother her. She does not have a problem with my siblings just my bp's. I am sure that your ** is probabaly thinking about you even more now that she has lost the brother she named after you. I can almost bet that she carries a tremendous amount of guilt in giving you up and now probably feels very empty. My opinion is this would probabaly the best time to contact her. She would probably find some peace in her life and I
am sure that it will give her hope. You are an adoptee and of course do not owe her this ,but I hear that you are a compassionate human being and you yearn to ease her pain out of compassion. That is very honerable. When it comes to the a parents , why tell them? The secrets they kept were probably to
protect you and your feelings. You dont know why you were given up so dont judge them harshly. I am sure that your parents love you and only wanted what is best for you. Confrontation is not always the answer. My parents are very old and I do not want to upset them. They know much more that they have told me, because my father has let little things slip out.I dont want to hurt the parents that were there for me and cause grief in their life . these are their golden years and that is just what it should be golden. I am a very confrontational individual and cant stand being lied to ,but in the situation concerning my parents ,I just cant see what good it would do.

[RKnotts]

You know, I am very happy to read this thread... mainly because I have similar feelings... Now, I have not located my bfamily but I have been looking not to necessarily have a relationship with my bmom and bdad, but to answer some questions of why and what...

But also more importantly, to get the "hole" that I feel because I don't know who I am like, who I look like, etc...

and MOST importantly I would like to locate the potential siblings that were in the foster home with me... Those are the two people (older brother and sister) that I would like having a relationship with... Because I feel that they were a "victim" of the same situation... I use the word victim because from what I have discovered is that I was taken away and placed in a foster home as a "ward of the court" by the welfare department .