[tiffilu]

I have been a member here since oct 2002, and this is the first thread I have ever posted, but have always enjoyed reading others. I got a suprise phone call from my paternal bgrandmother on Easter Sunday. This was a shock. I had never spoken with her, and have only spoken to my birthfather a few times in the past 7 yrs. I searched and met my bmom 8 yrs ago, when I was 18, very raw and emotional. We have become the best of friends and she gave me the infor to find b father 7 yrs ago. Which I did, but like I said there has not been much contact on his part, mostly mine, till one day I said to myself, he has my number lets see how long it takes him to call. That was 3 yrs ago. So here I am, making lunch for my family on Easter Sunday and the phone rings adn it was my bfathers mother. She has had my number for about 2 weeks,and decides to call, while bfather and family are out of town. She says the reason he has made little contact is due to his wife having problems with the issue, which I guess is understandable. My bgrandmother and I talked for about 40 minutes and had a great conversation. unfortunatly she was using a calling card, b/c she had discontinued long distance services. So she is not able to call me, I have to call her. I called her the wed after Easter,and we had another conversation,and she told me she had sent a note and some pictures. She did not have much to say and it kinda left me feeling put off again, like bfather does. I got the note and pics that Friday. Wow. I thought I looked a lot like my bmom, but now I see who I really look like, my bdad. The pics of him as a little boy, look just like my son. Its hard to stop looking at them,this was the first time I had ever seen any photos of him or my grandparents. She requested some pics form me, so I got some int he mail Monday of this week. She should have received them by now, but I dont' know whether I should call her or wait for a little bit. I have vacation the 2nd wkend in May and was hoping to get meet them, and put in letter I would call them closer to time, but is it too soon? My bmom says yes. She is postitive toward his parents, but neg toward him. She says they are guarded, private people and might get scared off. She told me that right now they are still just donors and have not accepted me yet. I feel lost. I have no one to talk to, b/c I love my bmom, but she is not helping right now with the negativity, and my friends and other family do not really know what to tell me, b/c they have never been in the situation. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love some advice, from people who might knows what it feels like to be so anxious and impatient. Thanks! Sorry this was so long, I just had a lot to get off my chest.

[Julie64]

I just read your posting and I just really feel for you. It must be so confusing to not know what to do. I wish I had some advice, I am just starting out on my search for bioparents and I don't know what I would do in this situation. I think that maybe I would ask the bgrandma if she would pass him(bdad) a letter from me, and I would send him a couple of pictures and a letter straight from my heart. Without his wife knowing about it of course. I am glad that you have contact with his mom, that is good. Keep posting here, there is alot of support and people with great advice and ideas. Let me know how you are doing, I'll check back!! Julie

[Julie64]

I am just wondering if you've heard anything from your bfathers mother yet? I have been thinking of you. Julie

[tiffilu]

No I have not heard anything yet. I am planning on calling this coming week. I was hoping she might send a letter back, but I have not received anything as of yet. This is her main form of communication, since they have no long distance, and used a calling card to call me on Easter. I wish I had told her right when she called that I would call her back, so she could save her minutes, but I was so shocked I did not even think of it. I am real nervous, but I am going to have to call soon, since I will be coming to their area mother's day weekend. Part of me is scared to call, b/c I do not deal well with rejection, and if she says no to the meeting, that is just that much longer I will have to deal with the rejection. But the other half of me really wants to know what she thought of the pictures that I sent!! Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I will update as soon as I get my nerve up to make the phone call.

[shirleyville]

I had a thought....what if you bought a couple of phone cards and sent them to your b-grandma, so she can call you when she wants to, or when she has a good opportunity to chat?
Just send her the cards with a little note and say that you understand that she is busy and also in an awkward situation, where receiving random calls from you might put her in a bad spot, so to speak. Let her know you wanted to make it more convenient for her to chat when it's a good time for her. That way, it doesn't come off looking like "charity", but rather more of a thoughtful gift from her granddaughter.
Just an idea....
Hugs,
Sally

[tiffilu]

WOW! What a super idea. I would have never thought of it. My mind is still kinda spinning. Thank you!!!!

[tiffilu]

Well I got up my nerve and made another call to my bgrandmother tonight. I had already had a bad day and had got down worrying about all this. But I finally got optimistic and made the call. It went well, she was writing me another letter, but we talked for a little bit. She is planning on meeting me on the weekend I had told her I was going to be in the area. But I don't look for my bfather to be coming. Evidently his wife is quite a control freak, according to my grandmother, and has put her foot down. She is off the blood test kick and onto worried about bringing somone new into her children's lives and interrupting them. Well my half brother is 20, so I think he is old enough to make his own decision. And she is trying to control my grandparents lives too, which I believe that is just wrong!!!!! She has not spoke to my grandmother since she found out we have been talking. I started to cry, I never wanted to upset anyone's life, but my grandmother told me not to worry about it. I do not want anything from them, just the knowledge and to get to know them. But over all, I am pleased and excited that its a good chance that I am going to meet my Grandparents. Atleast its a step in the right direction. Maybe the rest of the family will get a grip and come around too, someday. But for now, I am going to be excited about what has been accomplished so far.

[tiffilu]

This post is being written through my tears, so let me apologize for any typing mistakes. These last 2 days have been pretty rough for me. Yesterday, I had a doctors appointment for a check-up, at which it was discovered I have diabetes. I balled like a baby for about 4 or 5 hrs, the initial shock was alot to go through. Then this evening I had called my birthfather's mother, my grandmother, to which I have been talking to, to find out more about my bfather's diabetes. She was very helpful with that and glad to hear from me again. I mentioned again about meeting next weekend, and she said that it would not be happening, b/c they have plans. What a let down, I guess I had misunderstood on Monday about it all. Instead of she was planning on it, she must have said she already had plans. What a time for the selective hearing to kick in. So here I am barely over one shock and have another traumatic one. I have been in hysterics the last few hours.I'm now in a very pessimistic mood, and now am wondering what else is going to happen to me. Have always heard bad things come in 3's, so what is next. I am so lost. I have already gone off the diet I was trying to do for the diabetes, and had a little food binge. oops, when stressed or depress I eat, just the way I have always been, but now its risky for me to eat those foods I enjoy so much. So then I felt bad about that, too. I just don't know what to do now. I am thinking about not calling her anymore and just let her contact me when they are ready. I got my hopes up too high, and just had a bad crash back to earth off cloud 9. It does not feel too great. My heart is broken. What I was so scared of, happened. I had already taken the vacation and can't give the days up now. So I have 4 vacation days left for the year. It was the only time I had for the next few months, so when she does call and want to meet, I probably will not be able to get together then. Well that's it for my day. I have got to go to bed, I have to get an early start to work in the morning!

[ktyler]

Oh sweetie I am so sorry about your news of having diabetes, I know that has to be such a shock to find out about that initially.
Please take extra good care of yourself, you are worth it. I am sure there is alot of information online that you can also find very
helpful at this time.
It also is very sad about the direction things seem to be going at
this time with the situation of your bfather and bgrandmother.
His wife does very much seem to be a controlling force in that family. If I were you I wouldn't feel responsible for creating any rift between the wife and grandmother though. I am positive there is already one in place that was there long before you came into the picture, seeing how this wife seems to want to
control the family around her. I wish that I had some ideas of where would be a place to go from here to give you. I will just
say, don't loose hope, we never know what can happen. I wish
the best for you. K

[ktyler]

Hello tiffilu. I just want you to know that you have been on
my mind, keep posting, even if its just to vent, we will
be here for you. Have you found any online information
about diebetes yet? That could be very helpful for you at
this time, also keep reaching out to us, we are here. You really
have been in my prayers and on my mind alot today. I know I
may sound childish when I say this, but you just be sure to take good care of you, Hold onto hope, its still there!! K

[tiffilu]

Ktyler, I really appreciate the prayers. This has definitely been a few rough days. I am feeling better, but still its going to take time. I have been online some to look for information on the diabetes. I'm trying not to give up on my bfather and his family. But it really does feel like another rejection, something I don't deal with well, like alot of other adoptees. I'm trying to let myself believe that for some reason, this is just not the right time for me to meet them. Hoepfuly that time will come soon and it weill be feasible for all.

[tiffilu]

I still have not heard anything from my bgrandmother, since she cancelled our reunion. I am not sure if I should wait for her to make contact again, or maybe write a letter to her. I would like to tell her more about myself, but I am really not sure how to go about doing this. I have noticed she is not really communicating well on the phone and she always seems like she is ready to hang up after a short conversation. I do not want her to feel that I am being pushy, but she says she wants to get to know me and has told my bfather this. I know that problems have already been caused in the family due to me, between her and mybfather's wife. I just don't want to cause anymore, and that makes me wonder if I should just hold off and let her make the next move, since I have already made the last contact. Any help would be greatly appreciated!! I am just not a patient person, and this looking in the mailbox everyday, then feeling let down is hard to do. -- Tiffany

[bridges]

Tiffilu, I'm confused. Does your bgrandmother live with her son? Even if not, there could be others discouraging her from the contact. I know my husband just can't understand how I feel and is always discouraging me because he thinks I will be hurt. They might truly feel that this might be too hard on her. (Would she be in her late sixties or early seventies?)

I would like to tell you that you are much more patient than I am (and I'm nearly double your age). I think that you have the right amount of patience though. I, like you, am trying to meet my bfather's family. He wants to meet me. Because of his advanced age, however, I am trying to work through his oldest daughter. I thought things were going pretty well in our e-mail conversations when suddenly she just quit corresponding. I have read all kinds of things into this from "Oh, she's probably gone on vacation." to "She hates me and will never let me meet our dad." And this after only one week of silence.

I think the letter idea is a good one. Perhaps you can try to think of the questions you have about her and answer those same questions about yourself. I don't know a grandparent who doesn't like to brag about their grandkids. I think it would be o.k. for you to give her something to brag about in you.

Also, I lost my maternal bbrother to diabetes, one month ago today. Please take care of yourself. It would be very sad for the opportunity for a reunion to occur and you find yourself to sick to attend. As for the vacation days, you might use some of them to make sure you are doing all you can to learn how to control this. I note that you said you were doing a lot of research on this. Good for you!

Carolyn Kay

[tiffilu]

Thanks for you comments bridges. I hope things get better for you in your search. I am the same way, nothing for a few days and I get worried. It must be normal. To answer your question, my grandparents live by themselves. My bdad's wife just seems to be controlling the situation. Last time I talked to my grandmother, his wife had not spoken to her, since she found out that she had talked to me. Made me feel really bad. I'm still waiting for a letter of something from my grandmother. Last time I talked to her,she had started writing me a letter, but didi not finish it because we had already talked. SO I am hoping she will write another. Best of luck to you. I need all the advice I can get.

[GE_Glows]

tiffilu,

I think Sally was on to something when she suggested sending prepaid phone cards to your bgrandma. Even if you jus send one, with a suggestion of when would be a good time to get a hold of you... Or send HER a letter, and enclose a book of stamps.

Just a thought - Best Wishes to you!

Toby