[Royalcav1024]

I have been 18 now for almost a year. I have desired to search for my B mom since I was very little. Not because I have a bad relationship with my A mom. I love my A mom and we have the best relationship. She is always there for me on every other issue.

Recently, I have gradually started my search. I put up some postings, I have been using these forums and others. I discovered that I can request the state to see if my b mom signed a consent for release of information. The form is simple enough and I had all the information I needed save for one thing. The name of the hospital where I was born. I side handedly brought up the topic in conversation with my mom but she passed it aside and wouldnt tell me. So I turned to my dad (my parents are divorced) he told me. So I was left with all the info I needed for this form. However, I do not wish to search withough my A moms consent.

I'm currently in College and hours away from home so I called my mom to talk to her about the form. I told her I would not send it in yet if she felt uncomfortable, that she is the most important thing in my life and I dont want to hurt her. She told me I could do whatever I wanted but I could hear the hurt in her voice. I told her I would wait untill I was home and could better explain why I need to do this.

The only thing I wonder is will she ever feel comfortable enough to support me in this. I have never done anything this emotional without her by my side. The thought of her fearing that I might love her less because I may find my b mom is horifying to me. I tell her all the time whenever I bring up the subject that she is my mom nothing will change that. That I just need closure on a part of my life so that I can move forward into the future. Even if I develop a relationship with my b mom it would never be like what I have with my mom.

Any suggestions on how to talk to my A mom about this? My dad has no problems talking about it, I dont see why it is so hard with my Mom.

Sincerely,
Kristin
(ISO Birthmother (BD: May 6, 1985) Lower Bucks Hospital

[Cleopatrick]

Moms are always harder to talk to than dads I think, because we are much more emotional. Add to that the insecurities most of amoms feel and you have a LOT of emotion going on there. I can't answer for your mom, but I know how I would want my kids to do it. I would want them to just sit me down and tell me flat out how they feel. We have open adoptions with our kids so this will never come up, but that's how I would want it handled if we didn't have open adoptions. It sounds like you and your mom are really close. I think that even if she's feeling insecure and hurt at the beginning that she will realize over time that nothing has changed. How much you love her will shine through, since it's obvious you really love her.

[sspete]

Royal....Cleo gave you Great advice!!!! Your amom my be just a little taken back, and unsure of the reasons you must search!!!! Once you assure her that it is for you to discover your biological roots, and where you came from hopefully she will understand. Tell her that she will always be your mom NO MATTER what, let her know she did a great job, and that you truly need her support!!! Most moms just want to see their kids happy, let's hope that she will understand fully!!!! You deserve to have your aparents full support....Assure her this is VERY important to you.

Please keep us updated on her reaction.....I wish you the best of luck in your search, and also with the reassurance you are going to give your amom!!!!

Staci

[Mary Anne Y]

hello i know how you feel as my a parents dont want me to search it took me a long time to get my adoption papers as your and all amom feels you are her child and yes she will be hurt and disaponted she may even say ting to you that will hurt explan toher how you feel and let it be................... YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEARCH and know whear you come from you will regreat it if you dont search as some searchs will take a long time send the papers just all ways tell the truth with your afamilly good luck

[Royalcav1024]

I talked to my mom today. Not about my search but just our usual chit chat. She still seems like overly concerned... like she was trying to compincate in other ways. I dont know if this is her trying to do more for me so I may not search or if this is just her missing me bc I am so far away. i dont want to bring up the topic again untill i am home during spring break but now our relationship seems a little off. I hope that she will return to normal in a few days bc i really did not want to hurt her but im afraid i may have.

Kristin
(ISO ** (BD: May 6, 1985) Lower Bucks Hospital

[l-thompson]

Reassurance that she will always be your Mother and reassurance you will always love her.

We can love many people - we all have endless love to give. Having someone else in our lives does not diminish the love we have for the people that have always been there.

I get the feeling she is feeling a bit insecure about you searching.
I agree, face to face will probably be the best way to explain in detail why you want to search - that way you can give her big hugs to reassure her even more.

This is about you tho....not about her parenting or whether she was a good enough Mother .......Good Luck!

[Royalcav1024]

I can not thank you all enough for your support in this. Your suggestions are very helpful. I think I will try the letter idea. I love writting and that would probably be a good way of getting all of my mixed up and crazy emotions out. Maybe if I show these to my mom when I go home in March she will better understand my feelings.

I would have thought that as I have spoken about my wanting to search since I was only 12 years old that my mom would have understood better. My search does go on for I know that I NEED THIS. For now I stick to the forums and registration on websites. The talk I will have with my mom in March will hopefully be the start of a joint search. With me searching for my B mom with my mom by my side. Maybe my dad will help me in talking to her, they may be divorced but they still have a good relationship for my sake. (If anyone thinks that wouldnt be a good idea please say so)

Thanks Again!

Kristin
ISO ** (BD: May 6, 1985) Lower Bucks Hospital

[Royalcav1024]

I can not thank you all enough for your support in this. Your suggestions are very helpful. I think I will try the letter idea. I love writting and that would probably be a good way of getting all of my mixed up and crazy emotions out. Maybe if I show these to my mom when I go home in March she will better understand my feelings.

I would have thought that as I have spoken about my wanting to search since I was only 12 years old that my mom would have understood better. My search does go on for I know that I NEED THIS. For now I stick to the forums and registration on websites. The talk I will have with my mom in March will hopefully be the start of a joint search. With me searching for my B mom with my mom by my side. Maybe my dad will help me in talking to her, they may be divorced but they still have a good relationship for my sake. (If anyone thinks that wouldnt be a good idea please say so)

Thanks Again!

Kristin
ISO ** (BD: May 6, 1985) Lower Bucks Hospital

[Royalcav1024]

I can not thank you all enough for your support in this. Your suggestions are very helpful. I think I will try the letter idea. I love writting and that would probably be a good way of getting all of my mixed up and crazy emotions out. Maybe if I show these to my mom when I go home in March she will better understand my feelings.

I would have thought that as I have spoken about my wanting to search since I was only 12 years old that my mom would have understood better. My search does go on for I know that I NEED THIS. For now I stick to the forums and registration on websites. The talk I will have with my mom in March will hopefully be the start of a joint search. With me searching for my B mom with my mom by my side. Maybe my dad will help me in talking to her, they may be divorced but they still have a good relationship for my sake. (If anyone thinks that wouldnt be a good idea please say so)

Thanks Again!

Kristin
ISO ** (BD: May 6, 1985) Lower Bucks Hospital

[Royalcav1024]

I can not thank you all enough for your support in this. Your suggestions are very helpful. I think I will try the letter idea. I love writting and that would probably be a good way of getting all of my mixed up and crazy emotions out. Maybe if I show these to my mom when I go home in March she will better understand my feelings.

I would have thought that as I have spoken about my wanting to search since I was only 12 years old that my mom would have understood better. My search does go on for I know that I NEED THIS. For now I stick to the forums and registration on websites. The talk I will have with my mom in March will hopefully be the start of a joint search. With me searching for my B mom with my mom by my side. Maybe my dad will help me in talking to her, they may be divorced but they still have a good relationship for my sake. (If anyone thinks that wouldnt be a good idea please say so)

Thanks Again!

Kristin
ISO ** (BD: May 6, 1985) Lower Bucks Hospital

[aspenhall]

All the advice you've been given is great. You may consider sending her here to this site to read the reasons other people search. You could also ask her if she would feel the same about your in-laws when you get married.....Comparing an exisiting identification for your relationship with your bmom may help her beleive you and classify your feelings easier.

[Royalcav1024]

seems my computer acted up a little earlier posting my one reply many times. I appologize. Please keep the great advice coming

Kristin

[babygirl41]

let your amom know you dont love her less. but you need to find your bmom even if its for med reasons,closure,to get unanswered questions. thats what i told my amom. and she understood. hope this helps

[pucknstick]

I can tell you why she's having a hard time with it. You're still referring to her as an A mom on this forum, and I guess I need to know if you're just typing that for clarification's sake or if that's how you view her.

I look at it as having two moms, a birthmom and mom.

I get all icky when I think of Mom as an "adoptive mom."

She's just plain ol' mom. I don't need to differentiate between my birthmom and what I consider to be my "real" mom, the one who raised me. Kids used to ask in grade school, "So, you know who your real mom is?"

And I'd be confused and respond, "Uh, yeah... she's at home with my brothers right now.

Of course she adopted another one had seven of her own, so she's a professional mom, as pro as they come, and even though we're not on the best terms, she's still my mom and the only one I've ever had.

The woman who gave birth to me will not be a mom unless we find each other. And even then, what's wrong with having two moms?

Assuming she wants that two...

So I suggest wrapping up your argument like that, and explaining to your mom that you already know who your real mom is, but you've got a burn.... it's not your fault. It's human nature to want to know from where you come.

I think your mom will understand.

[dl]

While I can't speak for Royalcav1024, I know many, myself included, that only use "adoptive parents, aparents, amom, adad" etc. on the forum to make it clear whom they are talking about. I NEVER use any of those phrases in real life. Also NEVER refer to myself as an "adoptee" in real life. It is "forum language", to me. My parents are simply my parents. In addition, I have "biological parents, bioDad, bioMom, bioHalf-siblings". I do use those phrases in real life as to me it shows a lifetime connection vs. a one time event as in "birth". It also differentiates the separate roles of all involved.