[Katiebaby]

So...here it is, I talked to my bmom yesterday. I was so tired of sitting around waiting on that email with her contact info from the adoption agency, so I drove from Katy, Texas to The Woodlands, Texas in the pouring down rain. Crazy rain too. Not to mention Houston traffic. (Do you feel the drama?) I wanted to go shopping w/my cousin's wife to keep my mind busy.

So...I'm sitting in line on the Hardy Toll Rd. to pay my $1.25 & I noticed my cell was ringing plus it had another call I didn't hear. I was listening to the radio really loud.

It was my husband. He was so excited. I knew he was about to tell me I received the email. He was about to go to work in a few hours, so that is why he wasn't with me. He told me all her contact info. I was in shock. I finally knew her last name & where she was. I felt like I was going to faint. My poor husband was so worried about me. He kept telling me that I should just pull off the tollway & relax...AND call my bmom. I didn't wanna talk to her in my car. I knew I'd freak out. I knew myself enough to know I'd want someone sitting right beside me. I am a big baby.

I had to let him go, b/c I was about to pay & get back into traffic. I called him 30 minutes later when I made it to my cousins. He told me her contact info again so I could write it down.

I waited a few minutes and called her. It was sooooo surreal. I can't explain it at all. I really felt like I was in complete shock.

Later at the mall my lil brother called me. He was so sweet! I can't wait to meet all of them. We talked on the phone several times later throughout the evening & into the morning. Then, we talked online for a few minutes. He sent me a pic of him & his girlfriend. He is so cute! (I was an only child.)

OMG! I did have an anxiety attack after I got off the phone w/my bmom for the first time. I was so nervous & it just kinda happen.

Well, I'm supposed to call my bmom in one hour. She told me last night to call her today @ a certain time. My hubby & I leave for Colorado in a few short days! I'm so nervous yall. It's in like 8 or 9 days from today.

I do think that I am still in shock. My bmom is very nice & I'm excited to finally meet her, but I'm adapting to everything very slowly, so i dunno what I'm actually feeling. Does this makes any sense to other reunited triad memebers?

[shirleyville]

Oh, Katie!!!!
Doin' the Snoopy Dance in your honor!!!
I really can feel your excitement all the way in Indiana!!
I am so thrilled for you and your birthfamily!!
I can't even imagine....I just can't!
I remember one day, when my CI called me, and said she had found my birthmom -- she said she had been calling her house all day, but no one was answering!
I started to cry with elation just knowing she had a HOUSE with a PHONE !!! God, it seemed so "normal" ya know??? My birthmom had a house and a phone .......I was so happy, it was almost ridiculous!! It made everything seem so real....so concrete....so tangible -- rather than the dream of her, or the idea that she was "out there" somewhere!
Isn't hearing her name for the first time, surreal???? All my life, I wanted something to call her in my head...something real....something that made her a person and not just an idea or a concept! I love my birthmom's name......when I heard it for the first time, I thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world, even tho it's just an ordinary name (her name is Mary Ellen)......I will always love it.
So what did she sound like? What did she say? What was it like? Details, girl -- DETAILS! For those of us who will never know, we have to live vicariously thru you!!!!
Share if you can....if you are comfortable with it....and if you have time! I'd love to hear all about it!
Hugs,
Sally

[sspete]

Katie girl you are keeping me on the edge of my seat for YOU!!!!!

I am SOOOO Excited for you, and the journey you are traveling....I know it does seem very surreal....like an out of body experience!!!! I have not even got to talk to my bdaughter on the phone yet, but when I see her e-mails alone it is enough to send me into ORBIT!!!!

Your emotions make perfect sense.....Reunion is a Roller Coaster ride FULL of MANY emotions. It is a huge range from elation to saddness.....

Hang on tight for the ride Katie....We are behind you 100%!!!!!

Staci

[tricia3]

What a great story!!!!!!I'm so happy for you. I too was in the car when I got the call. Thank God for cell phones.

Staci is right! Reunion is a rollercoaster ride of feelings and emotions. You'll be all over the place , keep us posted and good luck!!!

[RiverGal]

Ah, Katie!!! How much I look forward to your happy posts!!! You are such an angel to let us walk this joyous path with you. Every post is like another chapter in an awesome book, and I can hardly wait to read the next page.

Go Katie, Go Katie, Go Katie, GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are just too awesome, girl!

(((((BIG HUGS))))))

Deb

[Katiebaby]

THANKS EVERYBODY FOR BEING SO HAPPY FOR ME & FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!

Well, this is the second morning that I have woke up knowing my bmom. It's so weird. I don't think I've been getting enough sleep. We've talked quite a few times. She put me on the phone with one of her friends & I put her on the phone with my husband yesterday. I haven't talked to her yet today. She left a message asking me to call her today @ a certain time.

We've been talking on the phone & IM's a whole lot. I hope we're not going too fast into our reunion, but I'm afraid that we probably are. It's confusing though, because my hubby & I are leaving Texas for Colorado to stay like 7 days about 45 minutes from where she lives in Colorado, so I feel like maybe we should get to know one another a lil bit. What do yall think?

She is a very sweet lady though. She keeps telling me that she loves me nonstop. I really love her!

I'm very confused though. I've always been someone that is very capable of knowing & expressing how I feel (mentally). All of a sudden, I feel like I don't know myself. Is this shock? How do I get back to being my normal self? I feel so insane saying this!

[FatBirdy]

I would say that you and your bmom are moving fast....but who is to say that is wrong?? I don't think it is. Both of you are excited and acting on what you feel. I got to know my bmom over email, many many emails, before we met for the first time and that made it easier for us.

As for feeling insane, hahaha, I know exactly how you feel!! This reuinion stuff has turned me into a crazy person. I am normally a very even emotioned, rational person...woooow, not in my reunion! All the sudden I am hyper sensitive and and not my normal self. I'm still waiting for 'it' to pass! lol. Not to worry though, I hear it's normal! (whatever that may be)

May I ask you Katie, how are your aparents taking all of this?

[crayons]

Katie This was so nice to see, a great start on a reunion. I'm so glad your phone call went so well and your first mom is one lucky lady, she will have the honor of meeting again, a very special and kind birth daughter, I'm excited for you both and can't wait to hear how everything goes. I'm not reunited but I sure hope my daughter feels the way you do.
best wishes and I hope it goes just the way you have wished for..... brandy

[Jackiejdajda]

Katiebaby wrote..All of a sudden, I feel like I don't know myself. Is this shock? How do I get back to being my normal self? I feel so insane saying this!

What I did was keep telling myself that all this is going to pass.

What I also did was become like an actor on a stage.. Say my words and remember my words and his words and the kids words.. Record them for my memories..

This is such a time of your life..

Take it one day at a time is my advice..
One minute at a time..

Also.. I did my level best to stop the negative thinking..

Jackie

[CeraDad]

Congratulations Katie. I am so excited for you. Seeing posts like this one is good and bad for me. It gets my hopes up and it could set me up for a huge let down. For now, I say enjoy it as it comes to you. Hopefully, you'll meet her in CO. and all will be good. Heres to praying for you.

[RiverGal]

Sweet Katie,

You still know yourself...this is just a new facet of your life that you are learning about...new emotions to be processed.

Like Jackie said, stay positive...you're fine.

Deb

[Katiebaby]

Me again. Thanks for the support everybody. I still get really sad when I read ppl are yet to reunite no matter what their circumstances are. Hang in there!

I talked to my bmom again today. We talked for about 4 hours nonstop. I'm really excited about meeting her, BUT I am really scared at the same time.

My brother seemed really excited the first couple times I talked to him on the phone, but today he said that he wanted to take things "slowly". I was really hurt by that, even though I completely get what he means. It still felt like a rejection of some kind. I dunno why. I know it wasn't, but I still feel like it was.

My bmom is very sweet and she says all the "right" things. Everything you'd hope (as an adoptee) your mom would say. I'm so afraid though...afraid that she'll be disappointed in me in some way.

Every since this all happened two days ago...my husband has been working nights. I've been kinda alone, and I really think I'm just needy right now. He usually babies me when I'm going through something & this is SOMETHING.

I know I'm making no sense at all. That's another thing. I feel like I have totally lost my ability to explain things. My brain has taken a sudden leave of absence.

I just hope, after the first initial meeting, at the airport...I'll feel relieved. *sigh*

BTW, my aparents are being amazingly supportive! We've had our ups & downs, but they are there for me.

[l-thompson]

Hey Katie - so happy to read your posts and that you are now talking with your birthmum. Bought back so many memories for me - your early days sound so much like mine....even down to the constant "I love you's"

I think if you do a lot of communicating before meeting face to face it makes it so much easier - the awkwardness is taken out of the situation as you have already gotten to know each other and get the "vibes"

As far as going too fast....I know what you mean......been there too......but hey, just go with the flow.

I had days of such incredible highs that I never believed for a moment I would experience anything less than sheer joy always.
Its sooooo emotional but such an awesome life experience.

Just read your posts again and girl, my reunion experience at initial contact was so like yours...similiar feelings too - my brain and thought processes took a leave of absence too

You take care sweetie and I am so pleased you have a wonderful supportive hubbyand a/parents. You will really appreciate them as you leap on board this rollercoaster ride - have a blast

[kimmykj]

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. I AM MEETING MY B/M TOO. I AM GOING THROUGH EVERY RANGE OF EMOTION. THE STATE LADY CALLED WITH THE NEWS YESTERDAY AND SAID MY B/M AGREED TO MEET ME. SHE WILL SEND THE NECESSARY PAPERWORK. I ALSO HAVE 1-OLDER BROTHER 2-OLDER SISTERS AND 1-YOUNGER BROTHER AND 1-YOUNGER SISTER. WHO ARE EXICTED ABOUT THE REUNION. AFTER HANGING THE UP I CRIED THEN LAUGHED. ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW WE WAIT FOR SO LONG FOR THE CLOSURE WE JUST LOOSE TRACK OF OUR EMOTIONS. WE WILL FINALLY SEE PEOPLE THAT LOOK LIKE US. I AM SO EXITED, BUT I ALSO REALIZE EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE. GOOD LUCK. PLEASE KEEP US INFORMED. THANKS KIM

[RiverGal]

Katie said, "I'm so afraid though...afraid that she'll be disappointed in me in some way."

I know how you feel!!! I have said those very words in a previous post as my own fear with my bdaughter. I'll be willing to bet that somewhere down the road your bmom admits to the VERY SAME FEARS you are having right now!!!

Over the years of my seaching, I have had to battle some serious emotional issues...and I'm not out of the woods, yet. I have bouts of OCD where I have to quit "cleaning and organizing" long enough to run to the therapist and get another round of prozac. I have battled anexeria and other eating disorders, trying to "hold on to youth" as long as I can (and it's catching me with a quickness...I will be 50 in a few weeks), and I can't keep a relationship for fear of "him" interferring with my goals of reuniting. I don't allow myself to show too much emotion, although I feel it inside screaming to escape.

It's sort of an impending feeling of readiness...in case she finds me. Most people, even my family who is very close to me, would never have a clue what pathology is brewing inside. I contain it well. But, I know it's there. Believe me Katie, your bmom is going through the same feelings of "inadequacy" that you are describing. It is (in a strange sense) "normal abnormality."

Throughout the forum it is visible on all sides of the triad. I read posts from amoms who are afraid the love of their a child will diminish after they are reunited with bfamilies, achildren who fear the bfamily will not be satisfied with them, and bmoms who have the same fears. It's universal, kid...and we just gotta keep giong.

Katie, you are so special and precious!!! I doubt there is one of us bmoms out here who wouldn't be thrilled and blessed to find our children are even HALF the person you are.

Lean on you sweet hubby and try to lose the negative thoughts...things will be great. The phonecalls have already allowed the two of you a major headstart.

Come 'ere, girl....(((((((((HUG)))))))).

Deb