[KXA_23]

On the day of my 23rd birthday, I'm haunted by a question that I can not answer! I don't know anything about my adoption. It's a mystery to me. But I wonder if my birthmother ever thinks of me? Does she even remember that 23 years ago she gave birth to me? Does she care? Does she ever wonder how I turned out and what I'm doing with myself? Even if she doesn't want to find me, does she at least think about me? Please respond!! Thanks !

[BrandyHagz]

I always hate responding to these types of posts, because I always seem to be the one to post the downside. First, It’s important to remember that every birthmothers experience is different. I am a birthmother, and I know for me it would impossible for me to forget the birth of my daughter…not only that, it would be hard for me to not think of her every day…but I don’t speak for all birthmothers.

I know first hand that there are birthmothers out there who have gone on with their lives, putting the pregnancy and adoption behind them. There are birthmothers that never feel the hurt and pain that is reflected here on the forum, so it’s up to the rejected adoptee’s to “ground” these types of threads.

There isn’t a person in the world that can tell you how your birthmother feels about your adoption, except her. Just keep your expectations in check, and you wont be disappointed when you contact her.

[melb]

Hi,
I am a bmom that has found but not contacted my bson yet.
I can say that I have never forgotten him. In the begining I wanted to forget his Bday. I kept myself busy when I knew it was coming just so at least the day would go by without me losing it.
I kept my son until he was 2 yrs old. So I'm not sure that it will give you any help.
I can say that my sister also placed a child, at birth. She has never forgotten her child either.
So as far as these 2 bmoms NO we have never nor will we ever forget.
Brandy, I appreciate your honesty & keeping us in check so to say. lol
BTW, can you adoptees give me some advice. I posted a question in this forum? ( below)
Thanks & Good Luck,
Melb

[adopteegirl]

I'm not sure if my birth mother would remember me. I'd hope she would though. I think about her sometimes, thinking about if she thinks of me on my birthday or on holidays, but mostly on my birthday not so much around the holidays, although you never know.

[Sanders9876]

Your thread brought tears to my eyes,23 year ago I gave up not one, but two children,I gave them up not because I diden't love them but because I did love them very ,very muchand I realized that at the age I was I was in no way ready to care for children,not that I didn't try ,I took care of my daughter untill she was a year old,then after the birth of my son things just got to complicated and there come a point where I couldn't put them through that kind of hard life[no drugs involved] so I called my case worker and told her that I was ready to do truely the hardest thing that I had ever done in my life,the hardest thing that I have ever had to do since .
Well to make a long story short and to anwsure your question,there has never been a day thet has gone by that I don't think and wonder about both of my children,the tears go away after awhile, but thats all,you still remember there smell,there little hands, there first word ,there first step,but thats only for the parents that were lucky enough to have a little time with there child before they give them up,you carry those memories with you through the years and hope that one day your child will find you, and pray that when and if they do they will understand and want you to be apart of there life again .
I heard not to long ago that my son was looking for me ,I sent the proper paper work in ,but I have still not heard anything,right now I am prying that maybe with any luck and the lords good will
that you may be one of my children,look for my thread Sanders9876,and reply,and Ill be keeping my fingers crossed.

ABMom

[ksmom]

Dear I can't speak for all bmoms either, but I know I will never forget. I have had to put it into perspective in order to emotionally survive, but even after 24 (almost 25 on February 26th) I think of her often and especially on her birthday. It is the same for the children I have raised, I can remember exactly what I was doing on the day I gave birth to them. Even though the event of her birth was shrouded with many emotional issues, to me it's a monumental day that has brought me to the person I am today. No...I will never forget.

[Missy M]

I thought not only of my daughter daily, but I relived the moments we spent together daily too. I thought often of the day's I breast-fed her in the hospital and if I closed my eyes tightly and held my breath I could still smell her baby smell...
The hospital social worker was kind enough to have the nursery make a duplicate hospital band for her ankle just for me and when I felt the need I'd take it out and lay it on my pillow at night.
To answer your question, yes...I thought of her often. While I can't speak for your Mom I pray that if its your wish one day she'll tell you what she thought herself.....


I copied the part below from Brandy's post:

"I know first hand that there are birthmothers out there who have gone on with their lives, putting the pregnancy and adoption behind them. There are birthmothers that never feel the hurt and pain that is reflected here on the forum, so it’s up to the rejected adoptee’s to “ground” these types of threads.

Brandy:

I wanted to say that I don't feel there's a reason for the adoptee to "ground" anything, just as there isn't a need for b-moms to stop thinking, praying, hopeing and dreaming. Sometimes dreams are all we have left to comfort us. BTW: just because a b-mom appears to have gone on with her life is no reason to think they don't -or- didn't ever feel hurt and pain. As far as putting the pregnancy behind us well I also have done that with the kids I raised....I don't know why "these type of threads" need to be "grounded".... could you explain, please? MissyM

[BrandyHagz]

Missy,

The reason I feel the need to "ground" posts like this is because of responses like this.

I am sure your birthmother often thinks of you and certainly remembers you on your birthday.

If you tell an adoptee who is searching that their birthmother thinks about them often, you could be setting them up for a huge failure...I like to offer the other side...because that other side is *my* story. I am sure there are a lot of birthmothers that think of their child daily, but not ALL of them do.

Blanket statements are hurtful to all members of the triad...which is why I said

There isn’t a person in the world that can tell you how your birthmother feels about your adoption, except her. Just keep your expectations in check, and you wont be disappointed when you contact her.

I hope that clears it up...

[Jackiejdajda]

KXA wrote..But I wonder if my birthmother ever thinks of me?

For a long time I did my best to not think of my son.

I did not think about him because I did not want to make a display of myself showing emotions to my family.

I did not know how to sort my feelings..

When I finally decided to look at my life and went for therapy.. I thought about my son a great deal..



Jackie

[Missy M]

Originally posted by BrandyHagz
Missy,

The reason I feel the need to "ground" posts like this is because of responses like this.



If you tell an adoptee who is searching that their birthmother thinks about them often, you could be setting them up for a huge failure...I like to offer the other side...because that other side is *my* story. I am sure there are a lot of birthmothers that think of their child daily, but not ALL of them do.

Blanket statements are hurtful to all members of the triad...which is why I said



I hope that clears it up...

OK....I understand how YOU feel about it but IMHO I don't think a member of the triad who comes to the boards to throw out a question expects to get the exact feelings of an unknown person posted. How rational is that? You say blanket statements are hurtful to all members of the triad, and since I as a member of the triad of which you speak, have never been "hurt" by a posted blanket statement ( pissed off, tickled to death, moved to tears, confused, and driven crazy by a few) I beg to differ or I am just different? IMHO the statement you offered about blanket statements is in and of itself a blanket statement, and while I disagree with it I am not adversely affected by it....so no, I don't think blanket statements necessarily hurt or are hurtful to all triad members. I also don't think that anyone who is truly searching will even remember much less be "set up for disappiontment" by anything posted here if the reunion happens to fail or never occur. The effects ( both - and + )of a reunion are due to the feelings and impressions of those involved, not unknown people pecking away on a keyboard.
The poster didn't sound irrational just hopeful and while you certainly can offer another veiwpoint....it puzzled me. Thanks for answering my question......Missy M


oops....ps>>>BTW: I think your captioning part of someone eles innocent post that offered nothing but warmth was, IMO rude.

[BrandyHagz]

I think I will just respectfully agree to disagree with you here.

Unfortunately, you’ll never know what it feels like to be told all your life that your birthmother loved you and cared for you and thought about you constantly, only to be rejected for unfathomable reasons beyond your control. Sure, there are birthmothers out there who feel this way, I am one of them…but not all of them are…

For the adoptees out there that could possibly be met with the same type of birthmother I had the misfortune of being born to, I offer my side of the story…another reality if you will.

It isn’t all warm and fuzzy and perfect. Not all birthmothers wait by the phone.

As for your PS, I'm sorry you feel that its rude...it was her post that I was responding to initially, which is why I brought it to light.

[tlee70]

I have to agree with Brandy in regards to "grounding" yourself. It is better to have little or no expectations about what type of bparent you may find. As much as we try to prepare ourselves for the unknown, an uncaring bmother gives a very deep wound. Any adoptees that have experienced it will know how deep it cuts.

I also would like to state that my bmother did NOT remember my birthday, nor did she ever sit by the phone, so yes there are different realities and I believe it is best to be well informed about all different types of reunions.

Btw..maybe it is b/c I have had similiar experiences Brandy, but I honestly didn't think your captioning was rude. This site is all about giving different perspectives and I think that was all you were doing. Just MHO

tlee

[LadyDi]

Hi,

I hope that my point of view on your b/mother will help ease your mind as I am searching for my Birth brother who's adoption was finalized from ON CANADA to OHIO on july 5th 1962, and I'm here let you know what I think about the fact that since I found out I had a brother, when I was 17 yrs old, which has been 23 yrs ago, I have often thought of him specially on his birthday, and wondered if he wonders about us as well. I would say that I am almost positive that you bmother has thought of you and i'm sure specially on the day she would have given birth to you and would be the day that she would hurt the most as she knows that she gave you up for whatever the reason she might have had. We all have our reasons for doing things and I know its hard as it would be for you as well as me, like you, wondering the same things you are wondering about. Having the same questions you do and from my point of view being the daughter of a birth mother having given up a child, in the early 60's was hard to do and can tell you that yes a mother never forgets giving up a child she would have brought into this world, and that has to have been the hardest thing for her to do. I know as I could see it in my mothers eyes when she talked about him, my brother that is and the hurt she felt when she talked about it. See My brother will be 44 yrs old tomorrow and I haven't seen a clue as to him having registered and have the same questions you do. Since I have started my search I had the same questions you have and have been told by a few adoptees that out of respect for their a/parents have waited till their a/parents have (unfortunately) passed away to look for their b/mothers and I admire you for searching for you N/mother and hope that you give her the respect and time for her to want to know about you as much as you are willing to find out about her. Time will heal all the hurt we feel because of having been seperated. I hope I have helped you in some of the answers you were looking for.

Best wishes in your search as I am hoping to find my brother who I have no clue as to how he is as well. I sincerely wish you the best and hope that God will bring you to find each ohter... as I pray for the same fo me and my brother...
Good luck
Di...

[shirleyville]

Brandy,
You keep right on telling your story.....you are absolutely right in making sure that both sides of the story are portrayed! That's why I continue to tell mine.
Missy, I respectfully disagree with

I also don't think that anyone who is truly searching will even remember much less be "set up for disappiontment" by anything posted here if the reunion happens to fail or never occur.

Take it from an adoptee who came here the night she hired a CI to search for her birthmom over a year and a half ago -- the things you read here CAN, and DO, effect the way you perceive things. When I came here, I was pretty "in tune" with my expectations of what might come from my search and attempt at contact. I knew darn good and well that it was a 50/50 shot in the dark -- just as much chance that my birthmom would want nothing to do with me as there was that she would want to embrace me. As a matter of fact, I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that she WOULDN'T want contact with me. But you know what? I met a bunch of really wonderful birthmoms here, who embraced me themselves and held me tight all the way thru my search. I started to feel like my OWN birthmom must CERTAINLY want to know me as badly as these dear sweet ladies wanted to know THEIR children! People comforted me with things like "I am SURE your birthmom loves you and will be ecstatic to know you are searching for her"....and "your birthmother loves you and I know she has been waiting for this day to come!"
Yeah, she was WAITING alright....WAITING to slam the proverbial door in my face! WAITING to tell me to go away....WAITING to give me absolutely no information -- health or otherwise! What she DIDN'T wait for was the chance to run straight to the state house to seal my reacords permanently, so I could never attempt contact again!
Please don't get me wrong....I love my birthmother, and I totally respect her right to do what she did! I understand her reasons and I respect her for making the decisions that she made! I will ALWAYS hold her in the highest regard -- you will find that if you read any of my posts! The fact that I was initially taken aback, and hurt by her reaction had a lot to do with my OWN expectations -- expectations that were fostered by comments and stories and support that I received here by very well-intentioned and caring people. I am VERY thankful for these people and for the support I received and continue to receive here -- I take FULL responsibility for my own expectations and for allowing myself to be caught up in the whole "your birthmom is waiting for you" thing -- it was my own vulnerability in the moment that allowed me to get swept up in it all -- no one forced me to believe it! Of course I WANTED to believe it! But at the time I first came here, there weren't a lot of posts about adoptees who had been "rejected"......and there were NO birthmothers posting about how they didn't want to hear from their relinquished children -- there still aren't. Birthmoms who don't want to be "found" don't post here! It gives a very "skewed" point of view to adoptees who are contemplating searches or are waiting for contact.
What happened to me, and happened to Brandy has subsequently happened to several other prominent posters here, and we tell our stories so that we can help add another perspective...so that people can see that sometimes things don't end with flowers and embraces.
When we see people making statements like "I am sure your birthmother thinks about you every day" and "I know your birthmom has thought about you with each passing birthday", a red flag goes up for us, because those were the types of comments that gave us false hope -- because in our cases, our birthmothers WEREN'T thinking about us everyday and WEREN'T spending our birthdays wishing they knew if we were okay.
People need to be aware of ALL sides of this.....that's why Brandy posted as she did -- and why I will continue to share my story here as long as there are people coming to this forum.
Just needed to share my thoughts!
Sally

[Missy M]

Thank You for sharing such a heart-wrenching report of the way your situation evolved. I respect your right to do that as well as Brandy's and because I do I will refrain from further comment.
BTW: I have just "heard" your story for the first time in this thread and b/c of that I want to say my heart goes out to you. I see why you (and Brandy too) are so passionate about forewarning other hopeful adoptees and I guess my lack of knowledge made it hard to recognize the motive behind her post. I will tuck my tail between my legs and openly apologize to both of you....MissyM