[budkingston]

I need advice, desperately. I am turning to the source, people who do not know their parents for advice because only you really know what it feels to not know your parents.

Years ago, in a foreign country, I have reason to believe that I fathered a child with a woman. Being a young man and not having the intestinal fortitude to do what was right, or at least face the issue, I denied it and ran. Of course, you can only work so much evil in your life before your conscience eats away at you and you finally come to grip with doing “the right thing”. Because of the location of the mother, now I couldn’t find her. Years pass by and every attempt to find the child and mother meet with failure. Then, one day, they invent the internet, and not only can I find them, I find out they are living in the USA, just a few hundred miles away! I even called, pretending to be a telemarketer and talked to the mother till she hung up on me. It is them.

SO now, I am at the point of no longer asking “what if”, but rather, “what now?”

Now, I am no longer the great savior that will provide financial support. They are not living in squalor; they are living in the suburbs. I really can’t provide the girl with anything except a name and a face. That’s not entirely true, I can love that girl because now I believe that a father inherently love their children. I know because of the pain that I have felt for 17 years where a hole is inside of me that is unfilled. But this isn’t about me.

So, up till now, I have always said that I was doing this for the sole purpose of the child, but now I have reached a gap. The child may not need me at all.

But what if she does? I want to give the girl, 16, anything that she wants from me. She could come live with me. She can get child support. She can call me and ask for advice. Whatever she wants. And if she wants nothing, not even to know my name, that is what I want for her also. I can live with that.

Unfortunately, since the girl is not adopted, there are no records anywhere that she could research, cajole, bribe or whatever. I have thought through this extensively, and have come to the conclusion that she would never be able to figure out who her father is unless she was the worlds most masterful and lucky detective of all time!! There isn’t even a place for her to log her request to NOT be contacted by me!

So, I am sort of thinking that she has a right to refusal, and this in itself implies some form of contact, probably through a PI. But before I do that, I really want to know what people whose parents are unknown think. What are the statistics? Do children want to be “found”? If so, what percentage? What is the probability? If I contact her, will she be happy? Is it 80% want to be found, and 10% don’t care, and 10% specifically don’t want to be found? IS it the other way around? I realize that I can’t be 100% and she may be one of the few either way and that my contact will disrupt her life, but I would rather do this for her, not me, and I won’t force it. I brought this guilt upon myself, and have lived with it for 17 years; I guess taking it to the grave won’t be that much harder. Causing the girl heartache will certainly not be in her or my interest. Does anyone have the answers?

Future questions would of course, be, Do I contact the mother who sincerely hates me first? Should I wait another 2 years till she is 18? If I never contact her, should I send her a card on her birthday and Christmas with a check from an anonymous admirer? This is starting to get kooky for me so I will close here. If there are statistics for this, please direct me to them.

[Kindreds]

Whoa...you are setting your expectations far too high with thoughts of her coming to live with you or her seeking your advice.

Start slowly and have no expectations. First off, you want to give her the opportunity to meet you and then possibly get to know you but it has to be on the child's The mother may not hate you as you think. She may have reconciled your abandonment of her years ago and has gone on with her life raising her daughter. Take one step at a time. I do believe with time and patience on your part your daughter will want a relationship with you as long as she feels you are a good person and one worth knowing. I would not suggest mailing any money to her at this point, it could be viewed as a bribe and is almost sure to make the mother very unhappy if she thinks you are trying to use bribe money for attention and love. You did not mention if you are married or have other children. If so, have you told them. Are you in the financial position to assist with your daughter's college expenses -if she is 16, this is what is coming around the bend.

[vicrose]

I am an adoptee who is desperately searching for my birthfather....so I believe that even after years of you not being in her life...there is a desire to know you!!!! As humans, we sometimes make mistakes in our life...but then there comes that turning point that comes along...where we can make everything right....and I believe that you should search for your daughter and make things right with her...you were very young when you decided not to take responsibility for your child...but a lot of time has passed....and you can make a difference in her life now....the sooner the better!!!! You shouldn't worry how the mother might feel, because honestly if you do some soul searching...you must make everything right with the mother also...you must apologize to her also for running off and not taking responsibility....and let the chips fall where they may!!!! Good luck in your endeavor....Hugs, Brenda

[sspete]

You are in a very difficult place, but I truly think your best bet would be to start with your birth daughter's mother. I agree with Brenda that you need to tell her how very sorry you are for your past, and that you would love to make amends. Anything is worth a shot......after all, what do you have to loose at this point???? The child is still a minor at 16 so her mom has most of the power anyway. Take things VERY SLOWLY....I would start by writing a letter so that she has time to digest it all at her own pace. Leave e-mail address, home address, and a phone # for them to contact you when THEY are ready!!!! Wishing you Many Blessings and MUCH luck!!!!!!

S Pete

[EL1]

I have been in search of my birthfather since I can remember.
Try not to set such high expectations as one poster suggested.
Take it slow and easy.
At her age I was filled with rage because of his absense and the things I was told.
She is going to have many questions which need to be answered truthfully. You don't know what she has been told up to this point as well.
Also at 16 she may feel she does not need parenting. The two of you are well past that now. Hope for a friendship at the most.
Only you know what needs to be done and how to go about it.

Blessings,

EL

[patrisha]

budkingston

Knowing your daughter seems very important to you, so start off on the right foot with her mother. First impressions may be critical since her decisions will be based on what's best for her daughter.

Don't be surprised if a step or adopted father is now in the picture, too. His wishes must be respected as well.

Done right this could be a good thing for everyone. Take SSpete's advice and go slow. Don't let over-enthusiastic mistakes spoil your chances.

I also agree you need to keep your wallet in your pocket at this stage. What gifts or contributions are appropriate can be decided later (if and when a relationship develops) .

Good Luck

Trish

[budkingston]

Well, I was posting the extreme possibilities. I also said that if she wants no contact, I am fine with that. I want what is best for the child. If anything, this whole thing is detrimental for me. I really have nothing to gain, and a lot to lose, my current marraige of 17 years, 3 children, a house, and all of the associated crap that comes with an adult life of collecting stuff.

I am not good at communicating my ideas very well I guess. I was hoping that the main thrust of my post would not be interpreted as HOW I should make contact with them, it was whether or not I SHOULD make contact.

Just because I CAN do it, doesn't mean I SHOULD. I want to know what is best for the child, not me. I can carry my guilt to the grave, I have for nearly 17 years, a few more years won't matter. If it is good for her, then I will do it.

I have no expectations. I wish I could wave a wand and make it all go away, but I can't. I just don't want to do anything that will aggravate the wound.

I have taken into account that people who post here are predisposed to thinking that reunions are better than oblivion, otherwise, you wouldn't read or post here. I just want to get the feel for what the majority of people who don't know their parents think.

[Duchie]

Hi Bud -

My personal opinion would be to contact the mother first and test the waters. There's going to be anger (probably by both the mother and daughter), but I think that your daughter would want to know that she does have a father who loves her and thinks of her all the time. Also, you said that you have children which means that she now has siblings. She will probably want to get to know them (I did and it's enriched my life twice fold).

I would have loved the opportunity to meet my bfather, but that will never happen. He never knew about me and died in Vietnam. If I had the chance, I would snap it up in a heartbeat.

I also agree with all the posts above that you should take it slow and not expect too much. Adoption reunions are a 50/50 chance of being accepted or denied.

I hope it works out for you and I commend you for wanting the opportunity to have a relationship with your daughter after all these years.

I do have acouple of questions though - Do your other children know that they have a sister? And how do they feel about it?

Good luck and keep in touch. I'd love to hear the outcome whether good or bad.

Duchie

[budkingston]

Dutchie,
In answer to your question, my wife knows that there might be a chance that there is a child out there. The most recent discussion of it was about 5 years ago, when I told her that I was going to pursue it even if she didn't approve, and she agreed that it was the moral thing to do. I think that her answer was influenced by the fact that the child might be in another country and I would be the financial support for this child, and there would be little, if any contact between the mother, child, or myself. The fact that the two live within a days drive might change that opinion.
The second part of the question is that my other children are younger 12, 7, and 3 and have no concept of any life outside what they have grown up with. I really do have a Brady bunch atmosphere going on in our house and the children don't know anything about this kind of stuff.
One of my main worries is that I might die before I can tell my children and this will die with me, and the children would never know that they have a sister, and vice versa. I guess you can look at it like, what they don't know won't hurt them. But then again, I have a half brother from my father, or so he told me, and amazingly enough, my father couldn't even remember the woman's name! I had these grandiose ideas of finding it out, but it would require the labor intensive efforts of 20 PI's, working 40 hours a week for 3 weeks, and even then it would probably be fruitless. I guess some things are meant to be while others are not, and that is why I let it go.
Would it be good for the children to know?

[patrisha]

budkingston,

Reunions with birth children can definately bring chaos into an otherwise well ordered life. I sense you have wanted to have contact with your daughter for a very long time, so I doubt you could walk away now without at least trying.

As I said in my first post, "done right this could be a good thing for everyone." I would try very hard to get your wife on board. Spouses (mine included) tend to feel very left out in reunions at first. It's like suddenly dealing with an ex you didn't know about. You certainly want your daughter to feel welcome in your home if you do manage to develop a relationship.

I didn't tell my daughter about her brother until our reunion. I also worried about the knowledge dying with me. My husband knew, but what if he wasn't there to tell? I decided to write her a letter and keep it with our Will.

If you try, and she isn't interestly right now, at least you'll know you gave it your best shot. Maybe down the road she will feel differently and at then she'll know who you are, and how to find you.

Trish

[shirleyville]

Bud,
You sound like such a nice and caring man.
Yes, your children should know. I contacted my birthmother last January, thru the use of a state-appointed CI, and she requested no contact with me. One of her reasons was that she never told my siblings about me.....I am 39 (next week), and I have a sister who will be 38 in December, a brother who is 33 and another brother who is 31. So here we are -- four "children" -- all in our 30's, living within ten miles of one another, and they have no idea. She feels they would never understand.....they all lead a pretty rough life, while I, on the other hand, have had many advantages growing up in my "new family." She seems to feel they would resent her on many levels -- first for hiding the truth for 39 years, and secondly, because they were made to "stay and endure" what I was allowed to "escape". Sad, but true -- or so I have been told. I wouldn't know first hand, since I am not allowed to speak to any of them personally.
I feel badly for my siblings, because one day, when our mother dies, they will find out. There will be papers discovered, or someone (their father or family member) will let it slip, and they will be left with no answers and a lot of shock. Our mother is trying to "protect" them, and herself, from something that eventually will be much more harmful down the road.
Children are very resiliant and very open and understanding -- much more so than adults. Tell them now....don't make it something uncomfortable or difficult....make it a warm and positive moment for everyone. They may have some issues along the way with the new revelation, but I feel there would be far less NOW then later....and later, you may not be around to help them understand.
Having said that, I think you should make contact with your daughter's mother first, since your daughter is a minor. You don't want to do something that can cause your daughter's mother to take some kind of knee-jerk course of action like getting a restraining order or taking legal action of some kind.
I think you should write a letter to the mother......be as open and heartfelt as you have been, here. Sure, she probably has hard feelings from the past, but maybe you can make her see that you have your daughter's best interest at heart. Sadly, the ball is really in HER court at this point. She can, and will, react to this based on her past feelings, initially. She will need time to adjust to this, and to work thru things, emotionally, on her end.
Maybe you could enclose pictures of you and your family, and a letter to your daughter. Ask her to share it with your daughter when she feels it's right. Perhaps your daughter has expressed a need to know more about you in the past and maybe your daughter's mother will feel it is important to give these to her.
You will never know the "dynamics" unless you reach out. It's a "one step at a time" kind of thing. Baby steps, baby steps.
For me, personally, as an adoptee, I would love to know about my father. Unfortunately, my birthmom won't tell who he is....so I have no way of ever knowing. I will be honest.....growing up, I never really thought a lot about my father. I was more focused on my birthmom.....but after I located her, and learned all about the heritage and stuff on her side, I REALLY wanted to know about my "other half".
Best of luck, and keep us posted, okay?
Hugs,
Sally
PS......I also agree about not having a lot of "expectations". Sixteen is REALLY a turbulent time -- lots of acting out and lots of rebellion. Sixteen year olds rarely have time for anyone or anything other than themselves and their friends. I think it would be healthy, however, for her to have the seeds planted now, so that later in life, she will know that you are out there, and that you care. JMHO

[budkingston]

Well, after readying your post, it seems like the mother is not so much concerned about “protecting” the other children as much as she is about protecting herself. I always find it ironic that here in the USA, when so many of us are exposed to Christianity, that we still worry about whatever others will say, even after 39 years. Even a woman who was exposed in the act of adultery was spared being stoned because the Christ told her accusers to throw the first stone if they were without sin!

In my case, I really am totally unconcerned with what people will think of me because I have found that with little more than a teaspoon, I can dig up yards of dirt in their life. I am worried that my wife won’t be as understanding as I am and this may be the last straw. I really can’t express my sorrow for failing her, and the real unfortunate thing of life is that we spend more time begging and pleading to keep what we have, all the while, if we had just had a little more self discipline here or patience there, we could not only keep what we have, but have so much more!

I will eventually tell my children, if the girl wants contact with them. Fact is, if she doesn’t want to have contact with me, then it is a mote point that she would want to know them. No kidding, as I was packing my gear to go to Kuwait last Feb, I had to go to a friends house and pick something up. There was a movie on his TV with Sally Fields. She was in an argument with another actor and said “F—K YOU!” After we left the house, my 11-year-old son (at the time) asked me “Dad, what does F-you mean?” As you can imagine, teaching them about Fornication, adultery, and other adult issues isn’t going to be that easy, though they continually express interest in more siblings. Of course, the only boy is asking for a brother, so he wouldn’t be as excited as his sisters would be, and then, I can tell you, they are really going to be disappointed to not spend time with her.

[melon161]

Sounds to me like you are making every excuse not to make contact with her. If you don't want to then don't. If you think your wife will leave you over this then maybe you have more problems then you thought.

My advice, figure out your own life before you enter someone elses and try to figure out theirs.

Stacy

[shirleyville]

Bud,
So you will only tell your children IF your daughter wants contact? Hmmmmmmm........
Of course it's up to you. You are their father and you know what is best for you and your family. It just seems to me that it is entirely unfair for them to be kept in the dark simply because your first daughter isn't a part of their lives. If, for some reason, contact isn't in the cards right now, due to her age, that's not to say one day, she won't. Once she matures and has children of her own, she may want to know about her father and have that connection. I can't imagine the magnitude of the shock for your other children that far down the road. It seems so much healthier for them, emotionally, to know now...so it can be a part of their lives -- not something that bowls them over in their 30's.
I wish you peace as you come to your decisions!
Hugs,
Sally

[vicrose]

Hey, I'm really sorry that I was a little impatient with my response to your post the other day...I honestly felt when you first posted that you were in a way trying to make every excuse in the book not to find your daughter...in a way I still think you are...but I understand your story a little more.....and I am a compassionate person...so I will venture to say that I think you are just scared...scared of all of the uncertainty....would you rather live with uncertainty???? or try to undo some of your past mistakes???? Your child was not a mistake....she was and is a living, breathing child who deserves you just as much as your other children do.....please try to hear me when I say....it is better to face your problems now....then to live the rest of your life wondering what could of been!!!!! You really have an opportunity to try to reach out to her.....reach out to the mother of your child....ask for forgiveness...it's up to you...and I'm sure in the end...neither your wife or your other children will think less of you...if anything they will see that you are a man who takes his responsibilities serious!!!! Life is too short to second guess yourself!!!!! Hugs, Brenda