[kvalentine]

I want to meet my birthmother, to know her. I am 33 years old. I have always known in my heart that she loved me. She named me Dana Lynne. I mean why add the (e) to lynn(e) if she didn't care? I have spent my life loving her. she was who I turned to when i was afraid. wich was alot because my mother could be very scarey. 5 years ago, the childrens home society of St. Paul Mn located her. I wasn't at all prepared for the phone call that I received from my social worker. The one telling me that they located my birthmother but she was unable to meet me. She never spoken of me since the time of my birth. Her husband and family doesn't have any knowledge of me! I never even considered this a possibility, even when i was told to prepare for this. She loved me and thats all that was true.
My heart is paining so much. I wan't to see her. I wan't her to see that i'm not a shameful person. I'm not a dark secret, but some body she could be proud of. But, I guess it doesn't matter, because as i write this, I don't even believe this myself. I know Im not anything she would be proud of. How could I be? she gave me up, walked away and never looked back. Not to mention, she took my letter and my pictures. She got to see a picture of my husband and I on our wedding. My beautiful daughter, and I (we) didn't matter, she couldnt ever write back. In the end, she got closure. And I? Im just stuck with this horrifying broken heart.
My birthmother was a flight attendant, she had a brief affair with
an airline grounds mechanic. MORMAN. She made a wonderful choice and conceived of me. My birthfather went on and married somebody else. I have to wonder WHAT she saw in this guy. She was luthern, and he was a morman, not only that, BUT he was 5'8" tall with red hair. My birthmother was discribed as extremely beautiful. Whats up with that?
Anyways, I pray so hard for closure, for peace. But its not coming to me at all. I miss my Bmom like crazy. A huge part of me is missing and I will never be able to claim it.
I do have something to look forward to, I have the book "the same smile" on the way to my house. It's by Susan Souza. She as a Birthmother has given me some words of wisdom. I am so thankful for her taking some time out to help me, and I am so much looking forward to her story.
Kelly...(dana Lynne)

[kenzie25]

I just read your thread or what ever they call it. I was crying just reading it. I am a 34 year old female adoptee and I have a huge part of me missing also. I always thought I could accept anything but after hearing that your mom was located but wouldn't talk to you must be horriable for you. I always thought mom's that gave up their babies were wonderful strong people who just wanted the best for their child. I understand why you are so bitter and I think I will end my search because I thought there was nothing I couldn't handle as long as I found out where I came from. I do not think I could handle what you are feeling.
Diane

[Stephaniesbmom]

Kelly,

I am a birthmom and I am so sorry to hear your story. I have nothing say that will help you. I do applaud you for having the courage to search even if the results are so painful. I have been touched by your story and I think it's a good thing that you get those feelings out. This is a good place to vent, you deserve more.

Big hugs!

Chris

[snuffie]

Hi

I just read your thread and know something of what you are going through. I contacted my bmom 14 years ago through an agency. I wrote her a beautiful letter telling her how much I loved her and that I would be discreet. She refused contact from me as her family did not know about me. I was devastated, angry and sad all at the same time. It took me a long time to come to terms with this. But several years ago I tried again.
Sadly, my bmom had passed away before my contact. I have reunited with my many brothers and sisters though. It is wonderful! And I have also heard why my bmom could not have contact from me the first time I tried. It was nothing to do with me. She had always thought about me and I know that by some of the things that my siblings have told me. Bmoms were told never to think about their babies. But from my own experience and from reading the threads written by bmoms on this forum they all think about the children they gave away. Some have buried their feelings more than others but in those it comes out in other ways.
I truly believe that your bmom loved you and still does. But she is probably very afraid. Maybe time will be the key.
Hugs
Snuffie

[kvalentine]

I thankyoou guys so much for reading my story. I didn't think anyone would reply to this and it means so much that you did.
I need friends so much, that can understand and help me through this. Please if you ever have a chance, email me at hoossss@onebox.com. I am so new to this website and so thankful i found it now. I think that you all are the key to helping me. It is so wonderful to have a birthmothers point of view.
Kenzie, don't give up with your search. My situation is so different, I don't think most mothers walk away like mine has done. I think when a woman gives a child away, she misses them and can't wait for the day they see them again.
everyone, I have a wonderful song for you to hear. I cry every time I hear this. its a "a place in your heart, bye traci chapman.
you'll cry all the way through that, and Kenzie, that song will make you wan't to find your mother.
please write me, you all are the key to closing this door once and for all, of course God is...but your the answer hes giving me.
your friend,
kelly (dana lynne)

[Stephaniesbmom]

Kelly (Dana Lynne),

I find it so sweet that you refere to your self with the name your bmom gave you. That says that there is still love in your heart despite the rejection you suffered.

Your story has helped me see that despite the distances between my bdaughter and myself, there still must be love. I was older when I gave birth to my daughter and I have not kept her a secret (Anybody that knows me well, knows about her). Despite this, I was told to go on with my life as if nothing ever happened. I admit to trying to hide my pain about her by not talking about it, but it was never done out of shame about HER personally! Come to find out, even people I didn't talk to knew about her anyway. So the only deep, dark secret I was trying to keep was from myself. (Pretty stupid, hugh!)

I can only pray that your bmom finds some of the courage you obviously have an abundance of!

Keep the lines of communication open, I know it really has helped me!

Chris

[Carol Bird]

Dear Kelly,
Where ever did you get the idea that your birthmother thought of you as a "shameful person"?

There must be a good reason why she couldn't meet you ... but certainly not because she doesn't care about you.

Some Birthmothers -- after being told that they should "go on" with their lives and "put it all behind" them, tend to believe that that was the right thing to do. So, they buried the "secret" (their OWN shameful secret, not YOURS) out of fear that people would think badly of them if they knew they gave up their own child.

I KNOW, Kelly. I went through that myself, but I never gave up hope that one day my daughter and I would know one another. She was 32 when we reunited and we've been together 17 years now. It isn't a Mom and Daughter type relationship because she had a perfectly wonderful Mom and Dad who raised her, but I am Grandma to my granddaughters (17 & 15) and am loved by my daughter.

Your birthmom may have changed her mind after hearing from you.

I suggest that you contact the Children's Home Society again and ask that a counselor contact your birthmother again and request a meeting. Tell them to tell her you are praying that she has changed her mind. Maybe she HAS by now.

Dana Lynne is a beautiful name! But Kelly sounds delightful. Hold your head up high, dear ... you are a very special person.

With hugs from a Birthmother
Carol Bird

[SusanSouza]

Hi Kelly,
As ususal, Carol has said what needs to be said. Listen to her, she's one smart lady!

Diane (Kenzi) Please, please do not give up your search. There is more to lose by giving up than by continuing. I know hundreds of bmoms that love and yearn for their lost children everyday. You can't take the chance that your bmom isn't one of them. Just because it doesn't appear she isn't looking for you doesn't, by any means, mean she doesn't want to know you. She may feel as I did, as I was told....that it was illegal to search and we would be doing our lost child a disservice to seek them out.

So, please, reconsider and continue on your journey to fulfilling your heart's dream. We're all behind you 100%....holding your hand and sending healing vibes your way.

Hugs,
Susan Souza
Author of The Same Smile
www.thesamesmile.com

[kenzie25]

Thank you for listening and giving me good advice. I don't think I could give up ever. It is to important to me. I for some reason at this time in my life I need to know. I just wish is was not so hard. I feel it is every adoptees right to know no matter what the situation may be. It is peace of mind.
Diane

[sspete]

Kelly and Kenzie--From a bmom my heart goes out to the two of you in a VERY special way!!! It hurts me for you Kelly to know that you searched and found but did not get the response you were hoping for. This is SO tough!!! I agree with the other poster---don't give up yet. She may one day be ready for the reunion. For some it can take years after the initial contact. It is a very emotionally scary thing for some. There is a lot of heartache that goes with putting your precious baby up for adoption. I hope with you that one day ALL your dreams of meeting your bmom will come true!!!

Kenzie--Don't give up---just be prepared for an emotional roller coaster. It is almost always worth the ride and the patience it takes to get on that ride!!! I wish you the VERY best in your search!!!

Blessings and HOPE to both of YOU!!!!

S Pete

[kenzie25]

Thank you for your advice I will not give up I feel so bad for Kelly but she has prepared me for the worst. I wish I could give her advice because I now now what to expect at worst and she most likely didn't expect such disappointment. Every adoptee wants a Fairy Tail ending but life isn't that easy.
Thank you,
Diane

[SusanSouza]

No, Diane, unfortunaely, life isn't that easy. Although, we all do want a "Fairy Tale" ending, don't we? I guess that's just human nature at work.

All we can do is make the best out of what life hands us. BUT, that doesn't mean we stop trying. It took me 30 years to have my fairy tale ending and I still find I have to work on it every single day.

You never know when things will change. Life events happen all the time, changing our opinions and attitudes. So, keep the faith and keep on truckin', as they used to say in the "olden days."

Hugs, Susan Souza
Author of The Same Smile
www.thesamesmile.com

[katamy]

Hi Kelly (dana lynne)

I'm new to this forum, My name is kathy and I'm a birthmom of a 22 year old daughter. I just read your post on your rejection by your birthmom...has anything changed since your original post?

Your story touched me for many reasons...my daughter and I were reunited 4 years ago...she grew up with an adoptive brother that has searched and found his birthmom as well, only she refuses to meet him or acknowledge him in anyway...this has broken his heart especially seeing that his a-sister has found and reunited with her own birthmom...he feels rejected and unloved... his story has broken my heart as well. But I'll tell you the same thing that I told my daughter to tell her brother...and that is to not ever give up.

If your 33 you were born around 1970 right? Although that was the generation of free love and sex...it was still considered a shame to the family if you were teenaged, unwed and pregnant...or even unwed and preganant...Trust me on thing I can guarantee with every single birthmom backing me up on this...you were never a shame or a bad thing in your birthmom's eyes...you were no accident, God meant for you to be born, your birthmom chose to give birth to you, and the fact that she so carefully chose your name, your right, it does mean she cares. Never ever feel like you are worthless, or unwanted. Trust me your birthmom's heart is crying out for you...She is scared. She has hid you in a very secret safe place in heart for 33 long years....and with no one to share her pain with...I can't imagine that. I at least was able to turn to my family, my husband and my kids as they got older and lean on them during the hard times...like on my birthdaughters birthday, or holidays etc. Your mom has carried this burden alone. She has apparently put a wall up around that little hidden place in her heart. and she is scared to death of that wall coming down, because she knows she will be opening up a wound...a deep hurtful wound.
What she doesn't know is that once this wound is finally opened and her secret is out...she will finally be able to heal. And the healing is an incredible rollercoaster ride. And I have read stories where birthmom's kept their secret from their families only to find out later that their families handled things very well....their raised kids realized "wow, mom is really a real person, she has a past, she had a life before us, she must be such a strong person to have carried this for years"...their husbands in one since feel betrayed...but the more mature ones will hold her and ask her "why didn't you let me know...I would have been here for you?"
Keep writing your birthmom, you can do it annomisly if you wish... one way I would handle it is to let her know...I'll be at 'such and such' place at 2pm on Sunday, can we meet? Just the two of us, just once and only once (trust me if she does this, she'll want to see you again) be persistant, but not pushy...but don't give up.
I wish you the best....let me know if you want to talk you can pm me.....
kathy

[silverqueenbee]

When I reunited with my bmom, she expressed that she was afraid that I wouldn't think she was "good enough"; she had carried guilt and shame for so long, it was hard for her to feel worthy I think. Just a different viewpoint from a reunited adoptee...maybe just something else to think over to help you process right now. I admire your courage to see your search through to the end--I know that is an emotional thing to do in itself because I've been there. I always knew my inner strength had come at least partly from my bmom; perhaps that courage that you have will surface in your bmom as well.

Wishing you very well on your journey,
B

[pamalou00]

Kelly,
Although I just received my Pre-Adoption birth certificate yesterday, I want to tell you to not give up. You at least have a name your ** gave to you. On my record, there is no name. Just her last name as mine. Either she just didn't want to take the time to give me a name, or it was too hard for her and she just wanted it to be done and over as fast as possible. I would like to think it would have been too hard for her. This was in 1969.
I also want to tell you, You may have the name she gave you, but that is not who you are. You are Kelly, daughter of the loving parents who chose to have you in their life and in their home. They lovingly raised you and wiped all your tears away and gave you praise when you did something great. Your **, she is just the woman who gave you life.
I don't know, maybe I just have a very different outlook on it all. I do want to find my B.M. But it is not like I have to find her to "know who I am". I know who I am, I am the daughter of my parents who raised me and love me. I am the mother of three beautiful daughters.
I would like to find Myrna (my **) to tell her thank you for giving me the life I have had. I would like her to see my beautiful daughters I have thanks to her giving me life and giving me away.
I would also like to know if I have any younger siblings out there at all. I grew up as the youngest and have always wanted a younger brother or sister.
But in my mind Myrna will always be just the woman who gave me life. I could never consider her my mother, I have a mother.
I don't know, maybe I have just been through too much in my 34 years to look upon it any differently. When I was younger I hated her, then when I was 17 and gave birth to my first daughter and "kept my baby", I had spiteful feelings for her.
Now, I just want to thank her.
I know that no matter how I feel or look upon this, if I do find her and she rejects me like your ** did, it will still be hard. To be given away and then turned away, will be hard.
I do support you in your quest don't get me wrong. I believe the same as you that adoptees have the right to know. Even if it is just a one time meeting with our Birthparents telling us their stories and that's all, we should at least get that.
I think that if you were to know why she gave you up and why she does not have the courage to face you now, you would have your closure.
Anyway,
feel free to email me if you would like.....Pamalou00@yahoo.com
Pamela