[KianaWeb]

I am having a tough time figuring out how to tell my aparents that I am planning on searching for my birth mother. I realize that everyone's experience will be different, but would welcome any comments or suggestions from those who have been there.

I am 37 years old, have always known I was adopted, but it has never really been discussed. I had a super childhood, our family is close, gets along, etc., but we we're not the "talk about anything" kind of family.

Thanks for any thoughts / suggestions anyone can pass along!

Becky

[debsdone]

Backy, if you find a good answer to this one, please let me know! LOL At 45, my search is a secret. the sad thing is that everyone in my family knows EXCEPT my parents! They are not "well" and there is no way they could deal with it. IT would simply be an excuse for them to engage in destructive behaviors, and I am not willing to provide them with that. But my situation is extreme. There are many here who have done this and will, hopefully, share their results! Love, Debi

[Suzyk61]

Becky, I have always told people this, and I do truly believe it!
My adopted parents are my parents.....they loved me & raised me tp become what I am today. My birthmom gave birth to me, that's pretty much it. 1 of my biggest reasons for searching is to get any medical info. I have spent my life not being able to fill out a medical history form for doctors, and to me, that is just kinda sad.
I have a daughter now, and I would like for her to know if there' anything she could possible run into in her life, that is inherited.
Anyway, just make sure your parents know how much you love them, and that you're not searching to hurt them. I think that would be the best thing you could do.

[mn125]

*This book is available through WARM. Email, call or fax for details

Dear Mom, I’ve Found My Birth Mother: An Adoptive Parent’s Guide to the Scariest Thing in the World.

O Susan Moses. 1990. 26p. it was first published in 1990 by O. Susan Moses. In 1996 she gave WARM (Washington Adoption Reunion Movement) the rights to it and they self-print it when copies are needed. It has 26 pages and is available through WARM for $4.00, including postage and handling.



Washington Adoption Reunion Movement
5950 Sixth Avenue South
Suite 107
Seattle, WA 98108


Phone: (206) 767-9510, 24-hour voice mail system
Fax: (206) 763-4803

Website: www.warmsearch.org

Email: warm@wolfenet.com

[lostwolfpup]

I want to search, I think. I have issues about the possibility of my amom's sister being my bmom. Talk about a topic for the dinner table! My amom is hard to talk to about the issue though, she only hears half of what I say about the mundane things in life, like if I'm coming for dinner friday or sunday. If she doesnt hear those things, how could she possibly hear and understand my wanting to know? I have tap-danced around the topic with both my aparents. My son has epilepsy and I told them it would be nice to know my medical history so I know if there are things to watch out for and get tested for or whatever and for my kids to know too. The subject gets changed even though i tell them it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. I try to pick up where we left off a little at a time hoping they will give me more info. bits and pieces do filter through but nothing of any help. It's difficult and there's no simple way to do it i guess. As said in other forums, adoption is an emotional issue for all parties of the triad and each step of searching, reunion, healing must be dealt with carefully for the happier possible end results. So, I just whittle away bit by bit until the time feels right and the talk can begin and be heard without hurt feelings on either side. Until then, what else can I do? I don't know if this will help any of you. It's just my little blurb on the subject.

[LaTroy]

I would just be upfront with your family.

I had a ok childhood, my adoped family new i wanted to look for my birth family and they supported me in that it was had for them thinking i wanted a diffent family and that they had done something wrong.

I had sat them all down together and let them know that this was about me and me along, I told the family that i love them and i just needed to find the rest of me.

I just say chose your words wisely good luck and much peace and love in you serch if you would like to talk one on one please feel free to e-mail me.
www.niceblackmaninmn@yahoo.com My name is Adam

[GE_Glows]

I think the best thing is to be open and honest with them about how you feel, and what you're looking for (no "whom" but what you hope to accomplish with you search, and possible relationship).

However, be prepared for them to not be positive about it. My parents were furious, despite my continous reassurance tothem that it was not about them and would not affect my relationship with them in any way. To this day, 15 years later, they still refuse to hear anything about it. To keep the peace, I don't mention it and they happily pretend it never happened and I have no contact with "that woman"

I can't imagine whta they would say if they knew my Bmom and her husband are coming for the weekend.

That being said, I wouldn't change a thing about the fact that I searched, found, and have a relationshp wth my bMom. I have learned to "partition" my life, but at least all of the pieces are there now.

[Duchie]

Hi All -

I rarely mentioned to my adoptive parents that I wanted to search. However, I spoke about it often with my older adoptive brother. He was my support and my rock.

When I did find them my husband teased me about it being an "Oprah" moment and that he wanted to call the show for a reunion. I cried and told him "Don't you dare. My parents don't even know about it yet".

I was scared to death to tell them in fear of them casting me aside because they might think I was not happy with the life I led. But I was happy with the way I was raised. I had no regrets about my life and no animosity.

However, it was one of my birth brothers and my birth mother that convinced me that I needed to be honest with them. In fact, my bmom was unsure about meeting until my parents were told. Out of respect for both sides, I knew that I had to be honest with them.

I called my mom (my best friend who I would never hurt) and told her to make herself a drink and sit down because I had something to tell her. I explained what I had done and explained why I did it. (Although my mom and I had one of the best mother/daughter relationships, I just couldn't bring myself to talk about this with her before in fear of hurting her).

My mom was very compassionate and relayed the info to my dad. They both then embraced the moment by telling me "what took you so long, honey" - "tell us all about them".

My parents now refer to my bfamily as my "extended family". They ask about them all the time and when I met my bmom - my best friend, my amom went with me. I wanted my mom by my side - I wasn't going to do it without her.

I wanted and still want to include them in every step of this process. Although it's been almost 3 years since that first call, my afamily has met several of my brothers and sisters and has embraced them with love and compassion.

This meeting has also brought me closer with my adad. We are now more open with each other in our conversations and there's no more, "what ifs".

Now, just because my situation turned out okay - it's not going to mean that all situations will turn out this way. What helped me was explaining to my afamily why I needed my bfamily in my life. Adoptive families take for granted the fact that they have answers to all their questions and adopted kids don't. We need that circle closed. Health was a big issue for me and now I have the answers that I needed. That pleased my afamily because they constantly worried that I wouldn't get the medical attention that I required.

Good luck in your searches and be honest with yourself and your families.

Well - I've rambled enough!! LOL

Duchie

[LaTroy]

Duchie,

I'm happy for you that things turned out alright for you and your a-family,

My a-mom knows how much the relationship with my b-family means to me and when she feels they have hurt me she gets mad and just wants to call them up and ask then whats there problem. lol she is so sweet and very protective of me and my feelings,

My brother and I did our search togeather each taking the lead on the search at differnt times.

I'm a very on the cuff with my emotions and my borther is more in controle of he's, I don't know why just is.

I love my a-family so much and can't think about having any other family then them, but then when i'm with my b-family I feel like I'm betraying my afamily becouse of the feeling i have when i'm with them. I feel like i'm at home. it's been seven years now and I Havent had the talk with my b-mom yet about my feeling, perhaps I'm just afraid of being rejeced for a second time.

Sorry didn't mean to rambulle on.
Peace and much love to all big hugs

Adam

[Duchie]

Adam -

You're not rambling. Those are feelings that are normal for all in the triad. I too feel like I am betraying my afamily (at times) when I'm with my bfamily. So, please know that you are not alone.

Sounds to me like you bmother has embraced your reunion in a good way and talking with her might help. I explained to my afamily that although I've met my bfamily, it in no way changes my feelings for them - my afamily is my life. They understand and although I sometimes feel like a heel, they unconditionally keep loving me. My bmom also agrees with that and she doesn't want to step on any toes either. One thing she said to me was "if you feel that I'm out of line in anything, please tell me.... I've waited too long to lose you again." My bmom also feels that this extension of our families just adds more to love for all concerned.

Is your afamily involved with this reunion at all? Have the mothers met? What about your siblings and your asiblings?

I found that, while it made me a nervous wreck at first, introducing my bfamily to my afamily (slowly because there's so many and I don't want to overwhelm my afamily) had helped in the reunion for me. They've enjoyed meeting them and ask about them in normal everyday conversations. I appreciate their efforts and including them has relieved alot of pressures off of me because now I don't feel like I'm hiding anything from anybody.

It also sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with you amom (I, being an adoptive mom also, would protect my son).

Good luck and keep in touch.

(((((((Hugs)))))))

Duchie

[Tink1965]

I am so glad to see that I am not the only one fearing telling my amom about contact with bmom. I am scared to death to tell her for the fear of ripping her heart out. I remember her crying and asking her what was wrong, she replied that she was so afraid of my bmom coming to the door to take me back. I don't think her fear has ever gone away.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
(I know this is an old post, but I am glad I found it.)

[bones2112]

well iguess its my turn to ramble.im new here and i to am glad i found this post. you see im head long in the middle of this same conflict. my asister told me a few weeks ago she found this pi in new jersey who promised the world to her i(being the sceptic i am) sat back and watched much to my dismay she came thru i figured whats good for the gander...... so i to contracted her and again much to my dismay she came thru so now i have this wealth of info and a new found relationship with my bmom well now it gets sticky you see asis told amom she did it and is worrieing me to death about when ill tell amom it caused some fall out w/ them and i dont think im willing to go thru that just yet you see im the son that was the "demon" child that made good ive come thru yrs of drug addiction and criminal lifestyle to a semi-prominant(legal lol ) buisness owner in my community so now she thinks im the cats meow and god knows this will bust her wide open i think ill stick around here and read some more yall got some good insite
chris

[deannaklnapp]

I guess I was lucky because my bmom was open with me from the beginning. At an early age she told me she would help with the search when I got old enough.

Although when I did begin the search she was still talking to me as if it was okay, but her actions spoke differently. I think it was now a reality.

Then when the door opened and my bmom contacted me the first comment from my amom was 'that's nice, honey' type of attitude. Once again I think as long as it was still a dream it was okay.

I got the nerve up to call her again when there were no distractions on either side, this was a week later, and was fully open an honest with her. The conversation was wonderful. We both got our say in the matter and she actually gave her 100% approval to do what I felt I needed to.


In short, at least let your feelings and desires out on the table, it will be up to them what they do with them. At least you had your say.

Best of luck to anyone searching and I now believe it will happen at the perfect time, not a second before.

God bless