[Bubbles1331]

Okay... So i am 18, and up until about 3 weeks ago I didnt really know i was adopted. And I dont know what i am supposed to do now that i know. I have always been very quite and dont like talking about what i am feeling. I always just say i am dont okay whenever any of my friends ask, but really i dont think Im doing okay with all of this. I just feel lost. I need some advice... or just someone to talk to that has been through this... Thanks for anyones response.

[aspenhall]

Try reading some threads posted in the Adoptees boards. Contact your agency and see if there is any info they can give you. I was not adopted so I can't really offer anything more than encouragement and a listening ear. If you want to find your bfamily, then find out all you can about the circumstances surrounding your birth. Be sure to reinforce your aparents feelings, I cannot imagine holding on to a secret this big for so many years. also, there may be reasons you weren't told until now. Your aparents may have felt threatened in some way by your bfamily. Above all take it slow, do lots of homework, and get some counseling if you can. People here will also be a tremendous help to you, read all the posts that you can get a feel for the average experience and learn/take comfort from the 4 million adoptees in this world. Don't let this affect how you feel about yourself. The only thing that has changed is your geneology. Most people here agree that your aparents have at least 50% to do with what makes you...YOU! A lot of people let this make them feel largely incomplete, and upon reunion, find that they remained largely the same, only with more relatives. Also, talk to people on this forum, almost everybody here cares deeply for each other because of this common bond.

....Luck and Love...

[holiday]

I am a birthmother too-think everything through and remember it doesnt have to be a big terrible thing. you make what it is to you. I gave my child up for adoption 18 years ago this last January. there are always great reasons why...I had many of them and my life didnt get better afterward...but I think my childs did. I recently saw a pic of her and she had braces,,and just that little bit made me relieved -I couldnt have had afforded them -she looked taken care of-but most of all she looked happy. I wish you all the luck in the world-I know you must be very confused but were all here for you! Holiday

[Bubbles1331]

thank you for your replies... and support. I know that i have to take it slow. I also know that because i know this now, doesnt mean i have changed. But... I just cant help but have this feeling of being lost. To Holiday... you being a Birthmother, i would really like to chat with you more about your situation, if you'd like, i would just like to know more about what you have gone through giving up your child... so... if you'd like... Please e-mail me

[sspete]

Bubbles --as a bmom I hope you want feel lost! You are a precious person who only found out your genetic background changed. Not to say your feelings do not matter--I can only imagine how much they do matter. I was always very curious about my family. Even though I was not adopted. I just found it all very interesting. When my bdaughter turned 19 I wrote a letter to her aparents explaining to them that I would be here if she ever had in questions about her genetics. Of course I would love to meet her but that is just going to take time. She is not quiet ready. If you want to find out who your bparents are why don't you just be honest and ask your aparents. Did they offer any information about them to you when they told you? If I can help you in any way please let me know. This board can offer a lot of support to you in times of need. My prayers are with you!! spete

[Bubbles1331]

Thank you for your support sspete. I really cant say how glad i am that i found this site. I have learned a lot from the people here in the short time i have been here.
I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason, and you will never here me complain about the wonderful life, full of opportunities, that my a-parents have given me.
My a-parents say that they dont really know much, only that i my birth mom was a 13 year old philliphino girl, and my b-father was white. They say that they dont know any names. And to be honest I am a lil scared to ask.
I am sure that your daughter is happy to hear from you but just isnt ready to let you in... Just keep making it clear that you are there.
thank you for your prays.. my prayers are with you also.

[ashlam]

Bubbles-

Hey! I am a 19 year old adoptee. I just found out about a year ago that I was adopted. I know exactly how you feel! My friends try to talk about it with me, but I feel like they don't really know how I feel (afterall, I don't really know how I feel). My dad did not ever want to tell me that I was adopted and I kind of acidentally found out. I asked my mom about it and she told me the whole story. She even took me to meet their counselor they had while they were adopting me. It is kind of strange to live 18 years of your life and suddenly find out that you came from somewhere else. Well anyway I would really like to talk to you, I think we can relate. How did you find out?

Melissa

[TUgirl083184]

My name is Jennifer, and although I have always known I was adopted, I have just recently found my birthmother. It was very hard to tell my adoptive parents how excited I was. But I think that your parents decided to tell you because you're ready for all of the things that come with this. As hard as it may be, you should talk to your parents. I'm sure that they will want you to, and maybe you can get more informations on your birth parents. feel free to contact me. my AOL screen name is the same as my user name here.

Jen

[KianaWeb]

Hi Jen,

I'm pretty much in the same position you are -- have always knows I was adopted. However, right now I'm struggling with whether or not to search. Actually I really want to search, but am having a VERY hard time with the thought of telling my aparents. We have a really good relationship, but I just can't imagine telling my amom I was doing this. I have thought about doing it without telling them but was encouraged by the person who would be my Confidential Intermediary to talk with them about it. I would welcome any comments you have (this is my first post!) and would like to talk with you about the process/feelings of your search.

Becky

[TUgirl083184]

If you do have a good relationship with your parents, don't hinder it by looking for your bfamily without telling them. As hard as it may be, they will be much happier that you told them. They have been there for you for everything you do for your entire life, and I'm almost positive that they will want to be there for you. I just recently found my bmom (by accident, mind you) and the FIRST thing I did, was tell my aparents. Feel free to e-mail me TUgirl083184@aol.com.

Jen

[holiday]

Hi everyone! I have been following this thread and there are so many views on wether to tell or not to tell. I still believe we all have a right to keep our business to ourselves. I am not saying one has to lie-but we don't have to share evey feeling and every wish. You have to do what is good for you-not for what some one deserves(within reason ofcourse). I started searching first-i had so many emotions about how I should feel-and how everyone else felt-vs. how I REALLY FELT! I felt guilty for my actions etc. etc. . Then there was the other bmoms who have been searching forever and just wanted there child back-then there was my mom-her view was "leave it in the past" -"let her search for you" mentality. I really couldn't figure out HOW I felt. I searched alone for a few months and as things unfolded I new exactly what to do! Even the people helping me search at the Adoption Network were telling me what to do AND HOW TO FEEL/ tHE DIRECTOR SAID"YOU HAD BETTER KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO REUNITE BEFORE YOU CONTINUE SEARCHING-AND SHE WAS SO WRONG! I kept on reading these posts -used what I needed and when I had planned to not contact her for a few years-I ended up just being honest and sending her a letter right away. What I found was WHAt I wanted in this whole thing-I didn't want my daughter back as a daughter-I did want her to like me etc. etc.-I recognized I was scared of rejection because i felt i rejected her and that I deserved it some how-but all in all I just wanted to know she was ok-and before she turned 21. If she wasn;t ok I could still make a differance in her life..and ifshe was I could be her friend and if she wasnt ready I could be ok with that too. I told my mom and fiance after the fact-and it turned fine-they were miffed because they wanted to be the "special person" that knows everything in my life. This is not about them-it is about this lost relationship. Well Ill get off my soap box (ahhahahah) Good luck to all of you! Holiday

[bajohnson]

Hi, I'm an adoptee who has known all my life that I was adopted. I had GREAT parents who love me like crazy, and I am still searching. This isn't about them, or my childhood, it's about my right to know my heritage.
I think that they did you a disservice by not telling you that you were adopted. All that does in the end is make you feel like you can't trust them, or that your life isn't what it seemed. Let me just tell you that even with knowing my whole life that I was adopted, I still feel "lost" . That seems to be a common thread with adoptees. I think also that you should get counseling if you can, because I know that I have anger issues from this, that you may too, especially with finding out at this late stage. Don't let this be a negative thing in your life. Use this to find out how strong you are, and to look into yourself. I never want to sit down and blame all my problems on being adopted, but I do want to know how it has influenced me. I think you have done a wonderful thing by coming here. You are actively trying to find answers and you are to be commended for that.
Good luck in whatever decsion you make about searching. I hope it goes well for you.
B

[dpen]

I had GREAT parents who love me like crazy, and I am still searching. This isn't about them, or my childhood, it's about my right to know my heritage.

[dpen]

I had GREAT parents who love me like crazy, and I am still searching. This isn't about them, or my childhood, it's about my right to know my heritage.

[dpen]

I had GREAT parents who love me like crazy, and I am still searching. This isn't about them, or my childhood, it's about my right to know my heritage.......vicrose Thats exactatly how I feel. As adults we need to do what WE need to do. We need to be aware od everyones feelings, maybe understand others feelings, BUT that should not stop us from getting what we need. We don't need to be cruel about it, just firm. "This is what I'm doing...you can support me or not but I'm still doing it!!I don't need to justify my feelings. Donna