[angeleyes737]

I am 26 years old, I have a 4 year old son from a failed marriage, and last summer I was the victim of date rape, resulting in pregnancy. I didn't know I was pregnant for the first 3 months, and during this 3 month period I was helping my best friend "T" and her husband "J" raise money for an international adoption. I approached T with the idea of adopting the child I am carrying, and after much discussion with with her and her husband, they agreed that they would adopt this child if it turned out to be a girl (they were wanting a girl out of the international adoption). At the ultrasound, we found out she would be a girl, and immediately, the ball started rolling. They picked out a name, and began talking to a family practice attorney. We found out that we can do this adoption with very little cost (which had already been raised) and very little chance of heartbreak.

After she is born T and J are moving access the country for a very good job for J. I will get letters and pictures of the little girl if I want them, and it will be up to her new parents to tell her that she was adopted, and if she asks later in life (no earlier than adolescence) then we will tell her that I am her birth mother, and let her talk to me all she wants and ask as many questions as she wants. The only stipulation is that she will never know that she is the product of a day rape. Since her mom and I are best friends, and have been since high school, I will always be around in her life, but she will not know, unless she asks that I gave birth to her.

Does anyone have a similar experience with something like this, or any aspect of this unorthodox adoption plan? How did it go, did it work well for you, for the child, for the adoptive parents? I'm nervous about the whole process,what I'll feel afterward, how the relationships will all change, etc. Any advice?

[thanksgivingmom]

My first thought was that she should definitely know if you are her first Mother. I think if you are in her life until adolescence and then suddenly she found out you gave birth to her, that would likely be QUITE a shock. She could easily feel deceived by both you and her parents. Also, you mention that you wouldn't tell her until "at least adolescence," but what if she asks before then? If her parents lie to her, that may be especially hurtful to her if/when she finds out later.

Just a few things to think about....

I encourage you to keep posting and get some other feedback from other first Mom's that have been through this. Also, I would encourage you to talk to someone unrelated to get some unbiased counseling just to talk through some things that you may not have considered.

Good luck!

[carmen90]

In all honesty..she needs to know the truth about how she was concieved. At some point she will probably have questions or curiosity about who the biological father is, and it would be very wrong to lie to her. Nothing is her fault and she deserves nothing less than the truth. That doesn't mean you have to go into any detail about it at all if you aren't comfortable with that, but she needs to know the bare fact of her conception. I know that might seem very difficult and you might be worried about hurting her.

And when you talk about her asking about you as an adolescent...what are you planning to do if she asks what her birth mothers name is before then? And are you planning to just hide your ongoing contact? By the time kids get to 7 or 8 they are well aware of being adopted and they have a right to get involved in letters if they want to...by that age they can have very definite opinions on contact. My son is 6 and already capable of saying what he wants me to put in my letters to his first mum, and selecting photographs he likes. It isn't right to decieve her about who you really are. It won't hurt her to know who you are, but it could hurt her and make her very angry if she finds out later that she was lied to about who you were. She has the right to decide contact on her own terms...my son at the age of 6 is able to do that.

I know this must be a very hard time for you, but she will need honesty about her own life.

Wishing you all the best

[angeleyes737]

I want her to know that I am her "first mom" but it isn't really up to me, I have to respect the wishes of her mom and dad on that account. I have been trying to nudge them in the direction of letting her know sooner, but I can't tell her if they don't want her to know yet. It kind of bites to tell the truth. Its hard to be strong and optimistic when I'm heavy with someone else's baby and not by choice. I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant.

[TxSW07]

I'm a believer in sharing the facts when they are age/maturity appropriate. Some children will be able to comprehend the story of their conception and placement earlier than others. I've never been in your position, but I feel like I'd push the APs to share your adoption story with baby throughout their lives in an understandable fashion.

[angeleyes737]

I don't want to push too hard or too fast, I can't risk jeopardizing my relationship with her AP, and possibly never see or hear about her again. It is all a very delicate balance.

[Jillie_sweetheart]

Originally Posted by angeleyes737

I want her to know that I am her "first mom" but it isn't really up to me, I have to respect the wishes of her mom and dad on that account. I have been trying to nudge them in the direction of letting her know sooner, but I can't tell her if they don't want her to know yet. It kind of bites to tell the truth. Its hard to be strong and optimistic when I'm heavy with someone else's baby and not by choice. I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant.

A few things worry me about this post. One is that this is still your baby. While you have agreed on an adoption plan it is still your child until TPR is signed.

Also if you aren't comfortable with the most basic of parenting choices like how you will be involved in this child's life perhaps this isn't the right match for you. I get why in theory this sounds like the perfect plan it can be very difficult to place with someone you are that close to. This is going to change your friendship forever. Also having her sibling in her life will matter too. For her to never know that a child she frequently sees is actually her sibling is a very big deal. I wish you the best of luck with this but please really consider that while this sounds very good for your friends I worry that this isn't right for you.

I had a cousin that has been trying to adopt for years. While part of me thought it would be amazing to do that for him part of me realized that this wasn't about him or his journey. That I could only do what was best for me and my little one. Ultimately I placed with a family through the agency.

[TxSW07]

Jillie_sweetheart has some excellent points! This is def something that needs to be worked out with the AParents before placement.

[Jillie_sweetheart]

Originally Posted by angeleyes737

I don't want to push too hard or too fast, I can't risk jeopardizing my relationship with her AP, and possibly never see or hear about her again. It is all a very delicate balance.

This is exactly the time to discuss these things. If you are already worried about them shutting you out of her life and you want to be part of it than this doesn't sound like a good situation for you. Don't let yourself think you don't have any control. You are the one that is carrying this baby. This baby has your DNA and it is up to you to figure out how you want to parent this child. Even if that means life as a birthparent. PLEASE consider that there are other options out there. While this will put a snag in your friendship should things not work out I really think your friend is taking advantage of your current predicament.

[carmen90]

I really cannot agree more with Jillie. You aren't pregnant with someone else's baby, you are pregnant with YOUR OWN baby. She will be 100% fully yours and no one else's until and unless you sign a TPR. She is your baby, and I mean this in the gentlest way possible, you need to do right by your own baby. You need to decide for yourself whether you are comfortable with the kind of arrangement, whether you can actually live with it, and more importantly - is it in the best interests of your baby girl to be brought up not knowing who you are? If you don't think it's best for her or you, then please don't place with them. You are NOT bound to them and you don't owe them your baby. Only go ahead if you are 100% comfortable AND you honestly think it's best for baby girl as well. You are her only mum right now, so it's your parental responsibility to make the best parenting decisions for HER sake - not the potential Aparents right now. I know you are close, but baby must come first. And please let me say, I am saying this really gently. I can't iamgine how hard it is for you right now x

[LibbyHawkins]

I'm going to chime in as an Adoptive mom.

It is important that the child not find out all the sudden they are adopted, it should be a part of her story long before she knows the meaning of the word adoption. My son knew he was adopted at 2 y/o, he had no idea what that meant of course, but we made it something wonderful and something to be proud of.

When he was an older 3 I started talking about how he had 2 mommies, since she is not in his life by her choice, I waited until he could conceptualize the story somewhat. He knows his tummy mommy's name and sees pictures. Does he still get what it is? Not completely, but he will never be surprised or shocked. Soon I will talk more about it trying to help him understand what adoption really means.

You need to be the one telling them what your adoption plan might look like. If they aren't comfortable with the choices you make for your child, then it is not the best situation for THEM. The previous posters are right, this will forever change your relationship, it could be done, but it will be the 2nd hardest thing you have ever done. They need to be acknowledging your choice is the one that counts at this point, and that means acknowledging you to the child from the start. At least that sounds like it is what you really want to me.

[belleinblue1978]

I'm adopted and a first mom. I'm not saying you shouldn't choose adoption, but this isn't a good situation.

Your daughter should grow up knowing she is adopted, who you are, and when she asks, in an age appropriate way, how she was conceived.

If she doesn't know these things, she won't trust any of you.

They need education and so do you about the impact of adoption on the mother and child. You all need to understand how adoption will complicate your relationship. They need to respect that you are the mother right now and that what you want is important as well. If that isn't happening, this isn't the right choice for you or your daughter.

This is your baby, you get to call the shots right now, you need to INSIST on a few things that it sounds like you want and not just go along with what they want.

[angeleyes737]

I will be living halfway access the country from the child I'm carrying. Sometimes they will be in a different country all together, because of AF new job. I won't be extremely involved in her life, like I said letters and pictures mostly. She won't know me well personally. I will know her, that's what I want. I am planning my life after all of this, ie. going back to school, getting married to my wonderful boyfriend, raising the children we already have from previous relationships etc. I have never felt attached to the baby, in fact, if T wasn't trying to adopt at the time I found out, I would have gone through an agency. I know God put this little girl in my womb at this time for this couple. I never questioned it, it was just His plan. After they move this spring, I will have very little opportunity for personal communication with this baby. I need to impress upon you all that this is the relationship I want. I would like her to know who I am, and I would like her to find out organically at an age that she can understand. I don't want my son finding out before I think he is at an age that he can fully comprehend my decision and what it means for him. This is the decision I have made for THEIR baby, and my own family. I just want to know what it'll be like emotionally to give her away, the days weeks and years afterward, what it'll mean for me, how to deal with it, how to live my life knowing that I gave away my son's sister (at least I'm sure that's how he'll see it). Anyone have a response to my actual question, instead of trying to change my mind about who she'll be going home with? Sorry if I sound angry, but I did not come here to be told that I'm doing the wrong thing, or thinking the wrong way, or feeling the wrong way about this baby. I came for support, and insight on what it'll be like afterward, so maybe I am a little angry.

[Hummermom]

Hi Angeleyes--

I couldn't agree more with what has already been said.

[deleted]

I guess all I can say is best of luck to you.

(((((Angeleyes)))))

[Jillie_sweetheart]

I strongly suggest seeking a counselor to talk through this. I think there are a lot of things that you really need to process. One date rape is still rape and that alone is tough to deal with. Adoption is hard on birthparents. I don't think there is anyone here that doesn't have hurt ans sad feelings about not being with their child.

I knew girls that knew they never wanted children. That knew that they would choose adoption their entire pregnancy. It still hurts like hell though. It will always be part of you missing.

I don't think anyone here was trying to be negative about your choice more that as people who have been there and done that things that are worrisome. This adoption is going to effect your son. He will have a sibling missing from his life.

Anyways I strongly encourage you to seek a counselor.