[daystar]

I'm 21 and my boyfriend and I have experienced homelessness off and on since January. We were both lucky enough to be seasonally employed this holiday season...but now we're broke with a newly purchased car that's having registration issues and then, BOOM. I'm pregnant. We moved in with my mother and off the streets in October when she extended an invitation from across the country. My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for five years and while we are very much in love and look forward to having kids...we both don't know how we can afford to right now. We're both job hunting. I want desperately to go to school so I'm not stuck in the same entry-level dead-end job pool forever. We're considering adoption, but he is heartbroken at the idea of our firstborn being raised by someone else. Both of us are nervous about our Jewish child being raised with another religion. And then there's this unspoken fear that we both have that we won't be able to make it through the pregnancy and birth and then just hand the child over. He's promised to stay with me and support me no matter what and our relationship, for all of its current stressors, is pretty solid. How can I make a decision like this?

[ruth74]

I'm sorry you're going trough this. I am not in any way suggesting you should make an adoption plan. However, if that is the route you go, you can choose to place with a Jewish family.

Other people can tell you more about resources if you decide to parent, but there may be some good ones in the Jewish community as well. If you have a Hebrew Free Loan Association in your area they can be an option (they usually have a category for parenting stuff, and loans are 0 or low interest). Also, if you have a local Jewish Federation or Jewish Community Center, they can be a good resource for finding help. Or you rabbi if you are affiliated with a synagogue, or any rabbi if you are not.

I can't understand what you are going through with an unexpected pregnancy, but I did want to express some support; If there's any way I can be helpful, including around the religion aspect, feel free to PM me.

[Saya]

daystar, I'm sure lots of first moms will respond, but I just wanted to respond as a mom through adoption. I'm Jewish and I adopted my 2 kids (they actually were not born Jewish, but they were converted -- well one was and one will be soon) and you will have NO problem finding a Jewish family to adopt your child IF you decide to go with adoption. But I'll also add that you are REALLY early on in this pregnancy and that there is lots of time to make a decision. You have a lot of time to explore your resources and see if you can parent this baby, if that's what you want to do.

[iwagrlVA]

Daystar,

You have a long way to go in your pregnancy and you have a lot of time to think about your decision. I would suggest looking into WIC (if you live in the US), so that you have the proper nutrition for you and your baby during your pregnancy. At the same time, inquire about other social programs that can help you out if you choose to parent.

The one thing that I regret as a birthmom is that I automatically assumed adoption was the best option and that I didn't look into all of the other options that would have made it possible for me to parent. I'm not sure if I would have made a different choice, but I just wish I had considered parenting and social programs before deciding on adoption.

I would encourage you to explore a variety of options and weigh the pros/cons, especially since you have a considerable amount of time. You can get a lot of insight from others from various forums on this site. I hope things turn around for the both of you. You seem to be a great couple. You are lucky to have each other.

[AlabamaMommy]

Hi. I'm a mom thru adoption but wanted to give you my advice. I met my son's birthmom 4 weeks before he was born. I never imagined how much I would fall in love with her! I know in my heart she didn't need to keep my son (abusive husband, no family support, a lot of drug use, etc) but my heart broke for her watching her make this choice. I am grateful for the choice she made, and I LOVE my son more than life itself, but I wish she had had someone to talk with early in her pregnancy to help her make the right choice for her life. It probably would have ended the same, but I wish she had felt she had more choices. I beg you to explore all options. Go to your local DHR and ask for help. Apply for assistance. Talk with your rabbi. In the end, my son's bmom was happy with her choice to place him because of her circumstances (she died of an OD just 7 months after he was born) and I am close with her mom. I love my son, and I also love his bmom because she made this choice for him. I wish you luck and will pray for you! If you ever need to chat, please feel free to PM me!

[iwagrlVA]

Daystar,

I forgot....You can also contact CUB for additional resources.

Concerned United Birthparents, Inc.

Good luck!

[kakuehl]

Daystar, just remember that it is against the rules for people to contact you on this site (by post or pm) seeking to adopt your child. This is not a matching site so please report to a mod or administrator any post or message from any seeking to adopt your child.

[Jillie_sweetheart]

You have soo much time. You have a full six months before you need to figure out if adoption is the best option for you. In the mean time apply for all the support you can. Seek out all possible situations where you can improve things.

I wish I had more time in making a plan. I was so far along when I found out that there just wasn't much time.

In the interim. GO ahead and get state health care. Make sure your baby is getting the prenatal care it needs. While adoption is very much an option it may not be what's best for you. Take your time and really consider all of your options. Don't get lured in by the idea that things can be easier if you place. While it is true there are a number of agencies that will set you and your boyfriend up with housing while you are pregnant and cover your expenses you have to think if a life time of sadness is really worth it. I miss my little one everyday and it breaks my heart that I placed him.

Also consider this, the illusive open adoption isn't always the way it sounds. In most states Adoptive parents can close an adoption and not have to go through any steps to do just that. There are very few states that the open agreement even gets filed as part of the adoption. Lastly you still have so long before you need to choose anything. I would actually be wary of an agency that wants to match you this soon as you are still so early in your pregnancy.

I ultimately choose adoption but that doesn't mean it will be the best choice for you.

There are lots of good resources out there for young pregnant mothers. Really look into them before choosing anything.

Good luck and if you ever need an ear to listen feel free to pm me.

[belleinblue1978]

First things first, go apply for pregnancy medicaid, WIC should then be automatically approved for you.

It is SUPER early to be making an adoption plan. There are non profit agencies that will help you find resources to parent or make an adoption plan. They are few and far between though, so choose carefully.

I placed my son for adoption and for me, it has turned out to be very bittersweet. Open adoption, while it definitely has its benefits is REALLY hard sometimes.

The other thing you need to think about is that things change. I'm now financially stable and in school working on a second degree, have a good career, all the things I should have had then right? Well his parents have struggled in this economy and what not. I'm not saying they don't love him, they do. Just saying that things change, the economy goes up and down, people get divorced, they lose their home, you name. Adoption isn't going to get your child a perfect life.

[caths1964]

I started a link once about what resources are available and these are some of the links:

College Scholarships And Grants For Single Mothers - Scholarships By Type - College Scholarships - Financial Aid - Scholarships.com

SM2B.org - Realistic Planning

Love In the Name of Christ

Resources For Single Pregnant Mothers | LIVESTRONG.COM

Hopefully, some of the links can be of use.

[Howdy]

Originally Posted by daystar

I'm 21 and my boyfriend and I have experienced homelessness off and on since January. ... We moved in with my mother and off the streets in October when she extended an invitation from across the country. My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for five years and while we are very much in love and look forward to having kids...we both don't know how we can afford to right now. We're both job hunting. I want desperately to go to school so I'm not stuck in the same entry-level dead-end job pool forever. We're considering adoption, but he is heartbroken at the idea of our firstborn being raised by someone else. Both of us are nervous about our Jewish child being raised with another religion. ...

On the Jewish TV channel there is a Jewish adoption agency that advertises, but really it sounds like your real need is jobs. Since there are two of you and you have a solid relationship, I would feel very optimistic.

You are very young, it is totally normal not to have your careers in place at this point. You will not be stuck at entry level forever, but a college degree can double your income, plus give you much happier worklife, so it is great that you want to go to school.

My brother's first wife worked while my brother completed his education (bachelor+master degree), and then he worked while she got her degree. There was no child involved, but I bet that sort of arrangement could be successful even with a child.

If all else fails, you could move to Israel. When I was 21 back in the 1970s, the economy was bad and the unemployment rate was around 10%. I didn't understand anything about the economy and thought I was a failure. But, I moved to Israel and they took care of me there. I got government subsidized housing for $5 a month rent, the employment people found me a job, the Jewish Federation gave me a bed, a plate, a blanket, etc. I was enrolled in whatever national health insurance they have over there. It was sweet! You can also (if you accept Israeli citizenship) get very inexpensive university education (assuming you learn Hebrew better than I did, I flunked out in one trimester).

[RhondaBear]

I was a single mom with two toddlers going through school and it can definitely be done, especially with two people working together. Don't forget you can get grants, loans and scholarships to help pay the bills, and with a dependent you'll be eligible for more.

Another resource to look into is:

Pregnancy Resources - Feminists for Life of America - Pro Woman Pro Life -- be sure to check out their .pdf on raising kids on a shoesting, it has many links and great ideas. They also have a link on their website for a college resource directory for pregnant and parenting students which could help you find the best college with resources to meet your needs. They are committed to helping people in exactly your position so if you call them I'm sure they'd bend over backward to find you whatever support you need for whatever decision you make.