[Red4532]

I am 23 years old and recently found out I am 22 weeks pregnant. I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for three years now. I was just let go from my job and I lost my health insurance.

I have state insurance but if I get another job I will loose that. I had been on birth control but I guess it didn't work. My boyfriend has just been transferred to a position that is about 500 miles away and in a different state. He doesn't want me to go with him because he doesn't want the baby.

I really want the baby but I don't know what to do. I can't provide for myself and my child isn't going to have a father. I don't have family to turn to and I just feel so alone.

My boyfriend is really pushing for an adoption and I have agreed to consider it but in the mean time I am about to be homeless in another week and don't know what to do.

I hate that I can't provide for myself. I have to choose do I keep a roof over my head or do I make sure the baby has prenatal care.

I went school and normally make an okay living. Not great but I think I might be able to provide for us, but not at the moment and after he comes into the world then what. I have to job hunt while trying to balance a new born.

At this point it almost feels like my only option is either and abortion or and adoption. If I abort then I can go back to work now and it will hurt but I don't know if I am strong enough to carry a baby for four more months and then have to hand him over. I also won't have a way to provide for us if I do continue the pregnancy. I just don't know and I feel so alone and I am about to be homeless.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I don't know about your state, but in mine you would qualify for services because of your pregnancy, including medical care, WIC, etc. Check with your state's department of family services (or whatever it might be called). You shouldn't have to sacrifice your child simply because of financial concerns.

Also, regardless of whether the baby's father wants him/her or not, he does have responsibilities. You didn't make this baby on your own.

Hang in there - and try not to rush into any decisions. Hopefully, you'll get other responses here that are more informed than I am and can direct you toward services to help you parent your baby.

[luvbeingamom]

I can't believe noone has responded yet to your post. I seen that there is a thread in birthparent support on resourses for Emoms you may want to read. There are a lot of resourses you may not be aware of that could help you. The one thing I have seen these past two years on this board is that you should not make a permanant decision about a temporary problem. It sounds like you might have a tough road for awhile, but have the tools to make things better for yourself and your child. Look in your heart. If you wish to keep this child, take advantage of every resourse you can to make it happen. If you choose adoption, make sure you go with an agency that is ethical and treats you with respect and dignity. They don't all do that. I wish you the very best in whatever decision you make. I wish I was more help...I'm an adoptive parent and do not have a lot of info for you. I think if you post in a more frequented spot on birthparent support you will get more feedback.

[RhondaBear]

It sounds like insurance and keeping a job are the big quandary here. Your area should have crisis pregnancy centers with information on places that will help you with housing, income and insurance issues so that you and your baby can get on your feet. WIC usually has this sort of information on the walls of their offices, and they can help you with food during your pregnancy. I'm sure that there are organizations in your community that would be thrilled to help you during this time in your life. If available in your community you can call 211 to get information on services that may be available. I'm a single mom and know how to find resources so if you run into trouble accessing them feel free to send me a message and I'll help however I can. Adoption is a great option to have, but it sounds like you're feeling pushed into it by this insurance/employment issue, and that just isn't enough of a reason to give away a wanted child. I'm serious about offering to help you find help. I hope that you find what you need to make this situation the best it can be for you and your baby.

[caths1964]

Originally Posted by luvbeingamom

I can't believe noone has responded yet to your post. I seen that there is a thread in birthparent support on resourses for Emoms you may want to read. There are a lot of resourses you may not be aware of that could help you. The one thing I have seen these past two years on this board is that you should not make a permanant decision about a temporary problem. It sounds like you might have a tough road for awhile, but have the tools to make things better for yourself and your child. Look in your heart. If you wish to keep this child, take advantage of every resourse you can to make it happen. If you choose adoption, make sure you go with an agency that is ethical and treats you with respect and dignity. They don't all do that. I wish you the very best in whatever decision you make. I wish I was more help...I'm an adoptive parent and do not have a lot of info for you. I think if you post in a more frequented spot on birthparent support you will get more feedback.

I started a thread asking people what practical resources are available for those emoms who wish to consider parenting.

I will post some of the links I found.

Resources For Single Pregnant Mothers | LIVESTRONG.COM

SM2B.org - Realistic Planning

Love In the Name of Christ

College Scholarships And Grants For Single Mothers - Scholarships By Type - College Scholarships - Financial Aid - Scholarships.com

In regards to becoming homeless, here is a link to places in Arizona:

http://www.azcaa.org/pdf/English%20PIG/60-71.pdf

I was in the position once where I became homeless and I stayed in a shelter for young women (this was about 15 years ago) so I could get back on my feet. Staying in a shelter is nothing to be ashamed of. The one I stayed at was partly full of girls like me as well as those escaping abusive situations. I realise in these straitened financial times that many places are probably quite full but it is worth trying church organisations as well as the government to see what is available (I stayed in a place run by the main church denomination in Australia).

Even if your boyfriend doesn't want the baby, won't he still have to pay child support? I don't know the answer to that question as I am not in the US and, of course, you can't necessarily rely on that payment. Here is the Child Support website:

Frequently Asked Questions

Anyway, good luck whatever decision you decide to make. I don't want to be seen to influence you in any way but you did seem to give the impression that you did want to know what help there is.

[mommy2fiveplus]

There are a ton of resources out there all though some are a little difficult to navigate with out help. I was where you are just 10 years ago (except I was 19) and I choose to keep my daughter. It was hard for a couple years but so worth it now and I do not regret my decision but I would have if I had placed her.

Do you have your bachelor's degree or any college? IF you have not yet attained your Bachelor's degree you can apply for college and will recieve $5500 in grants each year (you don't have to pay back they are called PELL GRANTS) and upwards of $12500 in loans each year (they are called Stafford Loans and you don't start paying them back until 6 mos after u graduate). To go to school, at most community colleges that is three times what you will need to cover tutition and books, so you can use the remainder to pay for housing and you wll still get to keep your state health insurance. You will also qualify for food assistance (food stamps) and WIC.

You can also apply for Section 8 housing which is income based, no income = no payment. Little income = little payment. In the mean time many shelters will provide you both temporary housing plus hook you up with resources, one of the shelters near me helps you fill out the paperwork for low income housing plus if you get a referral from them you go to the top of the list.

Depending on the state you are in all pregnant women will keep health insurance until 6 weeks after birth even if they have income. I live in Michigan and am an RN and I still qualified for state health insurance with my last baby, even though I had insurance through my employer and make a decent wage.

I noticed you live in Arizona, if you tell us where more specifically I could do a search for resources close to you, If you lived in Michigan I would just give you the hook up since I already help a lot of women in your situation (want to move?). A temporary finiancial situation should never be a reason to place, how will you feel in 2 years when you are doing well financially and the adoptive parents lose thier jobs or some other financial crisis that can hit anyone?

PM me if you have any questions or want me to do a more extensive search for help in your area. I want you to know that while your situation is tough and it is not an easy road it can be done.

[mommy2fiveplus]

A few links to resources in AZ:

For Food Assistance:
https://www.azdes.gov/variant.aspx?id=5199

Child Care Assistance for after the baby is born (to help pay daycare)
https://www.azdes.gov/main.aspx?menu=128&id=2670

Cash Assistance ($ to spend on basic needs including housing)
https://www.azdes.gov/cash_assistance/

ARIZONA SELF-HELP (This is any awesome site to find lots of resources in one spot and determine if you are eligible)
A screening tool that you can use to determine your eligibilty for 31 different Health and Human services programs in AZ:
Arizona Self Help |

I would recommend also looking into Head Start in your area (if you give me your zipcode I will find the nearest program to you). They run a program called Early Head Start which helps women who are pregnant and babies up to age 3 (then the kids transition to Head Start which is a federally funded free preschool). I had early Head Start when I was pregnant with my daughter and they were a god send. They will pay for your medical needs if u do not have insurance or if you have c-pays, but most importantly they provide a lot of emotional support, free parenting classes and hook ups to resources within your community. My home visitor came out to my house once a week to chat, see how I was doing, give me educational materials about my pregnancy, drive me to appointments if I needed it and identify needs and find resources to meet those needs (for example: I needed to get my car repaired so I could go to work and she found a program that helped pay for it) . She is the one who helped me get back into college which is what has allowed me to become the financially independant mom that I am now.

Taking assistance for a little while to help move yourself out of poverty is nothing to be ashamed of and in the end is probably best for you and your child. They don't have to suffer the loss of a loving parent and you don't have to live with the regret of placing your child (maybe not everybody does but it sounds like you feel forced into the decision). I know families here in Michigan (I am actually one of them) that mentors pregnant teens and even some of us allow them to live with us until we help them get on thier feet with housing and some financial stability, not sure if there is a similar program in AZ but defineitly worth looking into.


Feel free to PM me if you want to talk or want me to look for more resources.

[caths1964]

You have some great resources there, mommy2fiveplus

[RhondaBear]

Another option to consider is Welcome to CoAbode Single Mothers House Sharing. It is a site where single moms find other single moms to share housing with. If you could essentially rent a room from another single mom who needs the income to keep her home, you might be able to get by with less income and still keep your insurance. It may not be an option in the immediate future but I wanted to throw it out there so you know this site exists.

[luvbeingamom]

Great info everyone! I'm so glad Red was able to get some help. It is much better to make decisions when you have all the information.

Good luck to you, Red, whatever you decide.

[Red4532]

It looks like there are a lot of good places to look on here. Thank you for all of your help. I am still not sure I am ready to be a single mother.

To answer mommy I actually have graduated college and have my BA. With that said I generally do non profit work and it doesn't pay much.

As far as working and keeping my health insurance goes I don't know a whole lot about state insurance I just know what my worker told me and that was that I can't make anymore this year.

I love this baby but I also have my own personal demons and I am not sure if I can be a single mom. My boyfriend has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with the baby and that I will have to take him to court if I want anything and that ideally he would like a termination of parental rights.

To whoever said there are plenty of people out there that would support me while I place the baby for adoption, I am very aware of that. I am sure your comment was coming from a good place however I don't know if that is the direction I want to go right now.

My main focus right now is finding a way to keep a roof over my head.

[racilious]

Originally Posted by Red4532

It looks like there are a lot of good places to look on here. Thank you for all of your help. I am still not sure I am ready to be a single mother.

I was in a similar position to you, with some big differences which in the end did leave me in a place where I could parent. Being a birth mother is a life I wouldn't wish on anyone, so I hope you're able to find the resources you need amongst all these very smart helpful people who left links.

What I will say, and it seems from your posts that you already know this but it doesn't hurt to hear it again, if you're not sure you're ready to be a single mother that is okay. You might still feel that way after you're already parenting and that's okay too. Being unsure is okay. But don't place if you're not sure you can be a parent, only place if you're sure you can't parent. Once you place, there's no going back. And honestly once you get on the road to placing, it is hard to get off, there can be a lot of hurt people involved.

I hope you find some support. I know how lonely it can be out there. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

[macyu]

I just wanted to say being a birth mother isn't as bad as sounds. I mean it really depends on your circumstances and I would also highly recommend that you need to be 100% sure and do your research before placing. Although it was still hard, I was completely aware of what I was doing throughout my pregnancy and placing. But life is hard... and I know when I hear about my how great my beautiful baby boy is doing, it is completely worth it. Its a decision I am and will continue to be extremely proud of. You mentioned something about having demons... I used to have those. But going through the experience of giving life changed MY life. I grew up real quick. I can't imagine my son not being on this Earth.. the things that Ive been through and going through (stretch marks, pain, stress, weight gain, etc) are all COMPLETELY worth it. The sacrifices are worth it and you will be rewarded.
Support is highly needed if you decide to place. Because i wouldn't have gotten through it without the help of God, friends, and family... oh yeah and adoption.com! Good luck with everything, I will pray for you, and remember you are never alone, people do care.

[trixie10]

Hi,
I know what a hard position that is to be in. I was literally in the same position, at the same age as you are. I lost my job, ended up living on my Mom's couch. The only difference is that by the time I found out I was pregnant, my bf at the time had already been found out to be untrue and had moved overseas to marry another girl. So I can relate to much of what you write, though mine happened a few decades ago.

From my POV decades later, I did realize one thing that no one told me at the time. When you're that age, and you're struggling with a pregnancy, no one tells you that this moment is just one moment in time. You will not always be a person struggling with money. You will not always be challenged with finding resources. The folks that adopt, bless those that do, are in a better place financially because they usually are at least 10 years older than the birthmother at the time of the adoption.

I'm in reunion now, in the early stages, with my son. And for me, had I realized those things, I never would have given him up. I would have struggled to keep him if someone had pointed that out to me. His life was full of monetary things, and a nice family. But I could have provided those things, and his own biological family, and he would have turned out just as well and just as loved.

But everyone's situation is different, of course. I just wanted to share that "wish I'd known then what I know now." There are so many resources now for women chosing to have babies on their own. I hope that you are able to get some objective counseling before you make the decision. It's so much more complicated that people make it sound, being a birthmother or first mother. It doesn't go away once your baby goes home with someone else. Many first mom's are comforted that their babies will have the financial advantages that she couldn't give, and that is enough for them.

I wish you well in your decision.

[kmorisette75]

I hope this messages finds you feeling more relaxed and peaceful. I was in similiar shoes about 18 years ago. I made a very difficult decision to put my son up for adoption and things ended up working out wonderfully. The first few weeks I wavered and wasn't sure I did the best thing. The parents I chose, it was an open adoption, were wonderful about sending pictures and letters. Seventeen years later my son found me on Facebook, go figure. We were reunited with the full support of his parents last October and he is a regular part of my family now too, as well as his parents. I made the decision to adopt because I wanted my son to have the best life possible and despite knowing I would be devastated, I knew that it was best for him. Yes, I have had moments where I was overwhelmed with sadness but the happiness I feel now is beyond measure.