[Hope1030]

Hi, I'm new here and I'm due 1-20-11. I'm considering placing the baby for adoption. I'm a mom of 2 children ages 8 and 12. I'm hoping to find other moms who are either currently pregnant and considering adoption or other women who were already moms when they placed a child for adoption. I have concerns about how it would affect my children if I were to decide on adoption. Any help would be appreciated.. replies to this post.. also feel free to message me or friend request. I'd love some new friends. Thanks

[Hoping2adoptsibs]

Do you mean 1-20-12?

[Hummermom]

Hi Hope! Welcome to the board.

I can't tell you much about how older children react to having a sibling relinquished--my kept children are younger--but I did want to welcome you.

[Hope1030]

Yes, 2012 actually.. whoops, so tired! Thanks! Now to edit that.. not super familiar with forums...

[AlabamaMommy]

I'm an Amom and my son has a bio brother and sister that are with their family. We are still working out the details (my son is 9 mo) and his sibs are 2 and 5. But it is so important to us and to them that we allow a lot of contact with the kids. Last Sat I went and got sis and took her out for her 5th b'day. We all want them to know that we are like an extended family. She loves her brother, and whenever we see them we take lots of pictures and mail them to her. At 5, she isn't confused, she isn't upset, she just knows that mommy couldn't take care of all 3 kids and so we are his mommy and daddy now. Simple, age appropriate information is working so far! I am anxious to see other posts to see how things work as they get older. God bless you as you struggle with this decision. My son's birthmom died this past May (she was 22) and all she wanted was for us to continue the relationship with the kids. I hope this helps a little.

[mestiza30]

I have an older child. He will be 6 this Sept. I recently placed his brother this past June.

It hasn't been easy for me or him. There are times when he seems to understand and other times he does not. It was hard for him, but he's starting to come to terms with it. It's still hard for him to understand why his father can't help raise this baby. (My oldest son's father, my exhusband is a great guy but is not the father of this baby. )

I was originally going to place the baby with adoptive parents that lived on the opposite side of the country...but it was my son who put his foot down and said, "I don't want my brother so far away!"

I am so glad I listened to my 5 yr old. I couldn't imagine the baby being so far away now.

The ap's gave him a toy he could decorate for his brother's nursery which he enjoyed.

We also had a few outings with the Ap's before the baby came. He really liked the Ap's...but again, there are times my son will say out of the blue, "I want to get my brother."

It breaks my heart.

Some days my son will go days without mentioning him. And again, some days are alot more rough than others. I really wish I could give you better advice. I'm still working on how to deal with the issue myself.

I know there are a few posts here about parenting younger kids and the older sibling is the one who was adopted but my situation is completely reversed. There also doesn't seem to be that many resources about explaining adoption to older siblings. My agency gave me a book. Sam's Sister...which my son did not like.

I think it might be the only book dealing with the subject.

Just know you aren't alone.

[flikka]

just saying hey because I'm also in that situation. My stepdaughter is 11 and we are unsure how she will handle it (she doesn't know I am pregnant yet)

[Mary_H]

Maybe talk to an agency and get their perspective because they have a lot of experience with this. We work with Independent Adoption Center and at one point were in the process of adopting a baby who had 3 siblings and the counselors had some good insight.

[athikers]

Little different situation, but we are adoptive parent to a four year old and her sister remains in the care of her first mother. We just explain it matter of factly for now. She, too, asks if sister can live with us and we just say "No, baby sister lives with C and visits us" and she accepts that most of the time. Its not easy, but it suffices for now.

[bromanchik]

Please be aware that not only will you be dealing with your own grief for the rest of your life, but you will be dealing with the grief of your children. I placed my first born, but my subsequent children have faced their own losses. How they have processed these things varied with their age, but it has been something we revisit with each new developmental stage. The son I placed also has struggled mightily. Don't get me wrong, my situation is one of the best you can get... fully open, with strong family relationships. But there is still loss, grief and, in my case, trauma, that has lasted years.

Preserve your family if you can. Parenting is not a selfish choice, but something you would be doing for all you children.

[Bananas]

There was a girl that lived across the street from us who was also in birth mother housing like I was and she had a ten year old son. While I think he was sad that the baby wasn't going to be his brother he understood that it was what's best for all involved. She allowed him to help pick the couple and he got to meet them as well. It was important to allow him to be a part of the process.

Her son was amazing and well behaved and it was really nice the way she just always treated him with respect.

Was it hard on both of them, I am sure but she knew she could barely take care of the two of them and that a baby would have made it impossible.

[MikeandAlisonAdopt]

I'm new here as well and hoping to become an adoptive parent. The person who has been guiding my husband and I and full of advice is my husband's cousin. She is an adoptive Mom to two girls and both birthfamilies had two older children already. If you'd like, I can send you a message and try to get you in touch with her. She is a wonderful and giving person and I'm sure she would be willing to speak with you and tell you about her experiences.

[goodiesformom]

If you really need to place your unborn child, having your other two involved in the process, selecting the family, and being open and honest with them is probably the best thing you can do. The birthmoms that I have met that have older children that seem to be adjusting as ok as can be expected seem to have handled it that way, especially since yours are older.

Would you be able to get them counseling as part of the adoption agreement because I know in NJ it is required it is offered to the birth parents? Maybe you could ask for them as well.

[Mom2threeMK]

I have three children and I am pregnant with my fourth... My oldest turned 5 today and my youngest turned one two weeks ago... I am not sure what to tell them at this point... I just spoke to my PAP's for the first time today and I am meeting them tomorrow to go to an ultrasound... I tried to explain to my son that he will still be the baby's brother but mommy and daddy wont be the baby's mommy and daddy. I am really worried about how they will handle it when the baby is born and they realize we dont get to bring the baby home and all of that. I dont know how I can explain to this baby that I could keep the three I have but not him(or her) - My family is homeless right now - I know its important for me that my kids love the PAP's as i trust their judgement more than mine, and its important that they allow my children to continue a relationship with their sibling - just because i gave my rights up doesnt mean they gave up their's... I hope it helps to know someone else is going through the same thing you are and I wish you the best of luck

[Marleygirl99]

I think anyone considering adoption in your circumstances is a brave person. Looks like mom2threeMK could have some great advice for you. Your children should definitely be involved and an open adoption sounds like it may be the right choice for you and your family. I would meet with more than one agency and work with the one you feel the most comfortable with. I send you good vibes and prayers in your journey.