[pooched]

This is one of the heaviest things I have ever had on my shoulders, and I may have done something that will affect the rest of my life as well as screw up many others' lives. To paint a brief picture, I have been with my girlfriend for several years, and the marriage proposal was just around the corner. I was hanging out and discussing some of my issues vs. her own issues. Over drinks, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. That was mistake #1. I didn't have a condom with me and I took her word that she was on birth control....mistake #2. Last week (4 weeks later) she tells me that she is late. She took two pregnancy tests and they were both positive. The blood test hasn't been done yet, but I know the possibility of a false positive is so small that I don't really need to be concerned with that for now. This "friend" tells me that I was the only guy she had sex with at the time. She has also had an abortion in the past, so when I initially brought up the idea, she said she wasn't opposed to it, but later that day she said she was 100% against it, but there were other options (adoption, etc.). One thing I found extremely odd and out of place was that a few days before she broke this news to me, she sent me a message saying that we would have made a great couple. This also made me question the fact about her actually taking birth control (odds are 1 in 1000 when taken properly), and made me wonder if this was done intentionally? We have only ever been friends without any romantic involvement and it will never be that way. What happened was purely physical and wrong. But since this is her body, I must respect her decision to continue through the pregnancy. I have several things at stake here. I am most concerned about how devastated my girlfriend will be when I break the news to her. I love her so much and she has shown me nothing but unconditional love and has done nothing whatsoever to deserve what I did. Her heart is going to shatter in a million pieces. Furthermore, the trauma that my family and her family are going to face is just unfathomable. The mother of this child made a comment about how this could be her last chance to have a child and she doesn't want to give it up, which I found extremely selfish because that puts quite a burden on me. I begged for her to consider adoption because I strongly believe that every child should have the opportunity to grow up in a strong, loving-parent home. If she decides to keep this child for herself, this child is getting a raw deal from day 1, as the mother and myself will never have any kind of relationship.
I am meeting the mother this evening to talk face to face about options and get some clarity for myself.
I have told a few friends about the situation I am in, but because they are friends, they are biased. I now come to the world of strangers for an unbiased set of opinions.
I have slept very little, eaten very little, lost 7 lbs in the last 6 days and cannot concentrate on anything that I do. I am sure this is common reaction to an unplanned pregnancy.

You have no idea how much I value your thoughts and opinions right now. Am I wrong or right to push the issue of adoption? I also would prefer that she keep my name anonymous when people begin to ask who the father is. I feel that its not her place to throw my name around for something that happened as a mistake we made. It should be my responsibility to handle that.

If you managed to read this entire post, I really appreciate it and look forward to any thoughts, recommendations, opinions, what have you.

[txparents]

For better or worse, you can't force her into an adoption, and honestly, it's too early in pregnancy for her to decide on adoption. She just found out she's pregnant, and she's going to need some time to process everything.

Regardless of what she does with the pregnancy, you need to be upfront with your girlfriend. Even if this other woman chooses to terminate the pregnancy or it turns out that you aren't the father, your girlfriend deserves to know the truth, and it's better that she hear it from you than from someone else.

If it were me and I felt certain that I did not want a relationship with the pregnant woman, I would tell her that upfront so that she knows that she's not going to be able to use the pregnancy to create a romantic relationship between the two of you. I would also tell her that if she chooses to carry the pregnancy to term, you will request a paternity test to confirm that you are the father.

Fair or not (and frankly, I don't think it's fair, although I know that's an unpopular opinion here), you can't force her into an abortion or an adoption, but she can force you into 18 years of child support. If she is adamant about having and raising the baby, you will have to decide how involved you want to be in the child's life, assuming you are the father. As the birth approaches, I'd consider consulting an attorney to find out what rights you have, whether you should be on the birth certificate (I'm not a lawyer, but I'd guess that you don't want to publicly claim the baby until you're sure it's yours), what you can expect from visitation if you want it, and what you are likely to pay in child support.

You can't force her to lie to people about the identity of the baby's father, but you are welcome to respond to questions or comments about it. Whether you claim the baby as yours pre-birth or not, you're still going to look like a jerk for cheating on your girlfriend.

[Dickons]

You guys need to look at ALL the options. Adoption is only one solution out of three choices at this point.

And if you are the father you need to man up - that is reality.

Adoption can only truly be decided on AFTER the baby is born, up until then the baby is only a concept, once born the baby becomes real - either or both of you may want to parent.

Adoption is not always the win-win-win solution you think it is - sometimes it may be - but there are no guarantees. You do know that single people adopt right? You know that adoptive parents are NO less likely to divorce than biological parents right? That abuse happens in adoptive families too? You need to understand there is no such thing as a promise of happily ever after in any family - adoptive or bio - it is what it is. If adoption is the right choice then it will happen, but going into it thinking it is the be all and end all solution clouds you from looking at all the possiblities at this point.

Right now she needs your support and she needs to look after herself and get pre-natal care. Stress isn't something good for an expectant mother and she needs to be treated with care and respect.

Dickons

[mumof1]

Please don't take this the wrong way as it is meant in kindness - it would be wrong to be pushy about adoption. It is far better for the child to be with one (natural) parent than with adoptive parents.

I do know what it is like to be pressured into surrendering and it is the most painful experience I have ever been through. You may think she is being selfish for wanting to raise her child but it is far more selfless for her to be a parent. You have to live with the consequences and be supportive to the mother. Be honest how you feel but don't talk about adoption as it's not your choice to make whether she should be a mother or not. If the child is adopted then you have no guarantees that you wont be found in the future so that's another thing to think about.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh as it's not meant to be. One thing I will be harsh about is that you have only yourself to blame as you chose to have sex with this woman. The consequence is that you share a child. Don't be selfish and support the mother of your child.

[crick]

It's wrong for anyone to push ANY option on anyone - even here on this thread. So please be leery of anyone telling you one option is best for you, her or your child over another. It's not anyone's place to tell you that.

The mom will decide what she is going to do and you'll need to decide on your own what you'll do at that point. I suggest talking to an attorney NOW to determine what your rights are in your state as well as your obligations. You need to educate yourself on YOUR side of things.

If she decides to parent then you'll need to decide if you are going to be a co-parent and exercise your parental rights. You may not be in a relationship with her, but you'll still be dad and you'll need to decide what your involvement will be with the child.

At that point you DO have rights and you'll need to be sure they are protected. So if you don't want to parent then be sure you obtain an attorney to go over your financial obligation and see what your options are for the rest of it.

[usisarah]

Honestly, if I were in this situation, I think I'd worry about getting things straightened out with your girlfriend first. You have 7 or 8 months to think about what to do re the unborn child. To me, the more pressing issue (note more pressing does not necessarily mean more important) is to discuss the situation with your girlfriend.

Did you consider the fact that your girlfriend might forgive you? Then what? While I wouldn't count on this possibility, it is still a possibility, and stranger things have happened.

I personally feel like the other posters that it is wrong for you to push any option on this woman. While I can see why you might feel like her choosing to parent is selfish on her part because it puts you in a bind so to speak, on the flip side there are often times many issues that women who place for adoption or have an abortion have to deal with for years after the fact. You've apparently made it clear you don't plan on being around for her in the future...kudos for being honest. So why should she be concerned with putting a burden on you? (Not trying to pick on you or anything...just pointing out that one could say you not being willing to be a dad is just as selfish as her refusing to abort or place the child for adoption).

There is no easy solution to this problem (not that you were expecting an easy solution). But keep in mind that it just because a child has two parents that are not in a relationship together does not mean he/she is unloved, unhappy, or at a disadvantage.

[pooched]

Thank you so much for the responses. While I do not oppose this woman raising the child, I would still like to see it up for adoption to give it the chance of having two loving parents. In this situation, there is absolutely no chance of that happening. It would be a single mother from the get-go. I know that my top priority is informing my girlfriend of whats been happening. I know that I have been acting different since my encounter with this woman and I'm sure it shows on the outside to some degree. I am just so devastated and distracted by how much pain this will inflict on my girlfriend. She is the most wonderful person I've ever met and has done so much for so many people and I can't fault her for a single thing. In a word...easily...she's perfect, and she doesn't deserve anything of what I've done. I don't know how I could ever ask her to forgive me when I won't ever be able to forgive myself. But I know I have to tell her soon because the guilt is tearing me apart emotionally and physically.
Thank you again. I have a better understanding of my direction now.

[usisarah]

Originally Posted by pooched

While I do not oppose this woman raising the child, I would still like to see it up for adoption to give it the chance of having two loving parents. In this situation, there is absolutely no chance of that happening. It would be a single mother from the get-go.

Just keep in mind that a child starting out in a two parent home does not mean they will have a two parent home for their entire life (or even for a majority of it for that matter).

And your situation does not have to be a single mother situation from the get-go. It is your choice to be a dad or not...being a dad doesn't mean you have a romantic relationship with the mom.

Again...just want to reiterate I'm not trying to pick on you or anything...just telling you what I'd tell my brother if he came to me with this type of situation.

[mumof1]

Just remember that the child is the most important one here. You don't have to be in a relationship with the mother for the child to have two loving parents. In an ideal world all children would be raised by two parents but sadly we don't live in an ideal world. Adoptive parents get divorced as well remember - no guarantees in this world.

Sorry for my earlier post - I spend too much time on Y!A at times and some of the attitudes there are appalling.

[josh1788smom]

First, I was told how much better my child would be in a 2 parent home. My children have forever been robbed of a brother. The family dynamic is forever changed. I know several people that are not together and they both love and care for their child. Their child has 2 loving families. Families are not necessarily defined in one way or another. Best of luck to both of you in this decision.

[belleinblue1978]

My ex pushed me into adoption and it changed my life forever. I will NEVER forgive him for that. Sure I was weak and let it happen, but he should have manned up and said that even if we weren't going to be together if I chose to parent, he would help.

I'm speaking as an adopted adult and a first mother when I tell you that adoption isn't all puppy dogs and rainbows. It hurts like hell sometimes.... and it hurts like hell to be adopted sometimes too. In fact I just had a crying jag because of being adopted.

The other thing is, you will always be this child's father, whether there is an adoption or not. Someday you will have to answer to him or her. Do you want to have to tell your child that you didn't leave his/her mother with any other choice?

Adoption can be great. In my case it did provide me with two parents. It doesn't always work that way. I know plenty of people that were adopted that grew up in single parent, divorced, and/or abusive homes. Talk with adopted people, talk with men who have placed their children. It is way too early to decide all of this now.

[Susie703]

The mother of this baby is already the mother of this baby. You are already the father of this baby. Signing a piece of paper doesn't take genetics away, it doesn't "un-birth" the baby from the mother. Even if this child is adopted, you are and always will be one of his/her mother and fathers.

Adoption doesn't guarantee a better life, just a different one. As others have said, adoptive families are not perfect. Adoptive parents have divorced, leaving a child to grow up as a child of divorce ~ while the natural parent may have gone on to get married within a few years after the birth and remain happily married decades later. You cannot guarantee that the adoptee won't be raised in a physically/verbally abusive home, a drug/alcohol addicted home, etc.

You say that this child is doomed to be raised in a single parent family. How do you know the mother won't go on to meet someone wonderful who accepts and loves her and this child more than you would ever dream possible? Not many people stay single forever.

This child is of you, and right now is only a concept in your mind. How do you know that once you meet this innocent little being that you won't fall head over heels in love with him/her? You can not begin to imagine what the reality of living life without your child is like. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

It doesn't seem fair, but you have no right to try to tell the mother of this child to consider adoption. Just because you feel nothing for the child you helped create, doesn't mean she shouldn't. Also ~ think about the effect of this on the innocent person you created. How would you feel if you found out that your father tried to convince your mother to give you up for adoption? How would that make you feel about yourself? About him?

[crick]

There is no reason to restart a "dead thread" since the OP no longer visits the site.