[Jay-dee]

I was with my partner for 2 years when i got pregnant, abortion was never a option for me. i decided to keep the baby, my boyfriend wasnt keen but was still there then came the first scan......TWINS! he was off before it came out of the ladys mouth. so here i am alone and pregnat with twins. i couldnt possible be able 2 give these babies a life they deserve, but could i give them away? idont know..... so confussed and need help! just want it all to stop. as i am a christian my friends and family think it is a great blessing from god. but i am not conviced. i know that they will support me but do not trust myself if i was 2 be alone with them?

What to do?

[DPline]

Welcome to adoption.com forums. I hope you are able to find support here.

Adoption.com is not a matching site and it is against our rules for anyone to contact you wishing to adopt your babies. If anyone contacts regarding placing your babies, please let either myself or another moderator know.

[kakuehl]

Jay-dee, what do you mean by you don't trust yourself to be alone with them? No matter which decision you make, to place them or to raise them yourself, this will not be easy. Adoption is a permanent solution but it is not an easy one. You need to decide what is best for the babies. Spend time reading the stories of adults who were adopted and of mothers who relinquished their children. Remember, this is YOUR decision. I still feel I made the best decision for my son when I relinquished him 37 years ago, but many women look back and feel that adoption was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. What do you see as the pros and cons of adoption v. parenting for you?

[BlackSheep]

Jay-dee

Welcome!

I know that you feel overwhelmed right now and having your partner leave so abruptly has just added to this feeling. First of all, BREATHE!! You will get through this and you will make the best decision you can make for you and your babies. You have to believe that...

That being said, don't feel that you have to start making any decisions right now. You have time, as much as you need. There are no deadlines here...

In your post you said that you had decided to keep your baby when you thought that there was only one and also that you have support around you. I understand that twins are twice the work, but they are also twice the love! Does having twins change the support that you have?

You also said that you didn't trust yourself with 2 babies and being alone. Why? Are you just scared like just about every first time mother out there? Fathers feel the same way, by the way, but won't let anyone know how scared they really are. (My DH finally confided that to me after 22 years of marriage, lol)

Keep in mind that your mothering instincts will come, even though you don't feel that way now. The fact that you are so worried tells me that you would be a great mother should you decide that you are going to parent these children.

Relax, ask questions, see a counselor to help you through your questions/feelings.

And yes, I agree with your friends and family, all children are gifts from God. He just doubly blessed you!

We are here to listen, and help you in any way that we possibly can. Please keep us posted through your journey....hugs to you!!

[epenn922]

This was posted by a birthmother -- 29 Things I Wish I Knew Before Adoption Entered My Life -- You probably have to cut and paste it... http://www.musingsofthelame.com/search?q=29+Things

[ladybugmama]

My only advice is to really research adoption as well as your feelings. As a prospective adoptive mom it would be difficult for all involved if you rushed into any decisions. You are not just looking at your life, but the lives of your unborn babies as well as any others that will become involved in your lives. As a Christian, I would suggest you talk with your pastor/minister about what you are feeling. Perhaps there are people in the church that have gone through what you are going through now. Prayer will also help and if you can rally your church around you as you are making this decision it will really help. I admire your courage to post on this forum and that you are searching yourself and looking for advice. You are on the right track. Hang in there and pray for God to guide you with your decisions.
Blessings,
Karri

[shkerr35]

When I was 21, I found out I was pregnant, I was scared to death! I didn't know much, but I knew that I was going to keep my baby. I know your scared and confused, and 2 babies is very overwhelming. Do what's in your heart....I thank god everyday that I kept my daughter.... She is now 15, and an amazing young lady. I may not be perfect, and I may have missed out on a few things, but I wouldn't give it up for the world. A friend of mine just have twin girls, it's hard but she has alot of support.... It's amazing what you can handle when given the opportunity. I also thank god because my daughter is an only child, not by choice...If I had not kept her I would never have known what it was like to be a mom. God only gives us what we can handle.
Good luck....

[hrisme]

Jay-Dee, welcome to the boards. Many of the young parents I've worked with have had twins. It is a lot of work, but it's doable if that's what you choose. Each of them has had a different journey, some parenting and some placing. Having twins is a challenge, but it is something that I've seen many individuals, including young single mothers, navigate successfully.

Some questions I've had "my" moms think about...

What do you feel is needed to be a good parent? What resources do you have available in your life, not only for physical needs but also for emotional needs? What hopes and dreams would you have to let go if you were to choose parenting over placing?

It's important to also recognize you do not need to make your decision now, in fact it is probably better not to make a decision while you are still coping with the unexpected news! You don't even need to make the decision prior to the birth, if you decide to parent and discover you really aren't able to meet the babies needs you always have the option of placing later. It's much easier (legally) to change your mind about parenting than it is about placing. I had one mother place when her infants were 6 months old, another who has just relinquished on her twin boys who are 3 (DCFS was involved in that case).

If you need input on what resources may be available to help you if you choose to parent feel free to PM me.

[xemtrockstarx]

I know I'm posting a lot of things on the birth parents forums but as an adopted kid I just want to clear up some misunderstandings that birthparents may have. Of course, I am only one person so every adoptees' feelings are different!

It is your choice in the end whether or not you want to place your babies and a very hard one at that. I don't agree with some of the things the lady with the blog wrote, but some of them make sense. It is YOUR decision, but it does not hurt to talk to people about. I personally (again this is my opinion) don't think living off of government assistance is the best life you can give to a child nor should it be relied upon during parenting but a lot of people do. I think using assistance time to time is nothing to be ashamed of, but using it to parent your child is not in their best benefit. I don't agree that she may or may not have been "conned" into adoption, don't think that is right but she sounds bitter towards everyone including the adoptive parents, which I do not agree with either.

A parent IS so much more deep than genetics (because how many people can give birth?), or having money (because money isn't the only thing that makes people happy) but at the same time creating the best life you can for your child is important as well (you need to decide what that is). Like my mother (adoptive) has always told me, no one is really ever "ready" for children. You can be more ready than others and more stable mentally and financially but you're never really fully there until you actually parent a child.

Again, I don't appreciate the lady with the blog making it seem like the child she placed is going to be all shook up because she was not the parenting mother. I hate when that assumption is made adopted kids always have issues with feeling unwanted or hate their birth parents for "giving" (PLACED! grr) them up.

Actually, I'm sorry for the editing, but some of the things on this ladies' website makes me angry! If my birth mother were to ever come at me and tell me my parents seperated us and she wanted us to be mother and son/daughter now I would probably cut off contact. Not all adoptees are like hers, and not all situations are like hers either. Just because ONE woman with a blog feels this way, don't let it impact your decision but do realize you may have these feelings and later these feelings could affect your children. Make sure if adoption is what you want, it is actually what you want and think would be best for your children. I hope no one thinks I am undermining birth parents, but not all of them feel adoption is this travesty that "takes children away from their mothers". :/ Just because you CAN have a kid does not mean you will be a "mother" and just because you can adopt doesn't make you one either.

I hope I am able to express my opinion without stepping on toes! Sometimes it is good to see varying opinions

[epenn922]

Adoption is sometimes a long-term solution to something that may only be a short-term issue.

I've been involved in adoptee rights for a decade or so. I've spoke to many adoptees who are fine with being adopted and feel that it didn't effect their lives. I've spoken to many bmoms -- not one has said that giving a child up for adoption didn't effect them drastically. It changes who you are. It's something that has lifelong and generational repercussions.

I am NOT anti-adoption. It's just something, I feel, that has to be really, really examined very, very deeply before a mom hands over her child. IMHO

[susie_book]

Originally Posted by epenn922

Adoption is sometimes a long-term solution to something that may only be a short-term issue....

I am NOT anti-adoption. It's just something, I feel, that has to be really, really examined very, very deeply before a mom hands over her child. IMHO

This sounds like the answer to almost every "Should I?" question I've ever heard from an expectant mother. So well put. I placed my son because of short-term problems (unemployed at the time, etc.), and while I think he's got fantastic adoptive parents, I do wish that I'd had a counselor sit me down and say, "Okay, but what about a year from now? What about five years from now?" I am not at all bitter about my adoption experience, but adoption wounds birthmoms deeply even under the best of circumstances.

[hrisme]

From a differing viewpoint, parenting can also bring it's own pain, especially if you realize you are not in a position to be a safe parent (not sure if this is the case at all with Jaydee, but she did mention a concern that she could not be alone with the babies). For my friend, waiting 3 years to place her boys, then having DCFS step in and take control because of ongoing neglect, has been heartbreaking and the boys have additional challenges they probably will never recover from because she & her boyfriend truly weren't ready for parenting (even though, without question, they loved the boys dearly) and had ongoing mental health issues that didn't get treated properly because they were caught up in trying to take care of the boys. She will never forgive herself for putting her boys through years of neglect, even though she was trying to do the "right" thing.

Also, government assistance doesn't last forever. Now with TANF you have 3 years in your entire life to become financially stable on your own. It can be extremely helpful while you pursue an educational/employment possibilities, but if you're planning on using it as sole support it's not going to happen. Is there the possibility that you will be able to pursue options for increasing your income potential while parenting? Or will you end up completely overwhelmed by the task of trying to work full time while raising two infants? Daycare bills for two babies would be in the range of $8 an hour, can you make enough to pay daycare and other expenses as well? Money does not a parent make, and kids can survive without all the "extras" in life, but food and shelter is a neccesity.

Yes, placement always effects the birthmother, those feelings will probably never go away. But parenting also comes with its own set of long term challenges, which can also be wounding.

A counselor is a great idea, my suggestion would be to find one not associated in any way either by an adoption agency or a planned parenting clinic, or with a religious organization that may believe one way or the other. In theory, counselors should be completely nonjudgemental, but it doesn't always happen. Your local college/university may be able to provide low cost counseling sessions, or if you qualify for Medicaid their mental health clinic probably can.