[SallieM]

This is my first post, but I have been reading these boards for the past several months ever since I decided to give my baby up for adoption. Now my plans have been involuntarily changed and I'm in need of some advice. Here's my situation:

8 months ago I got divorced from a man I barely knew. We were very young and very stupid and got married after only knowing each other for a few weeks. We quickly realized our stupidity and divorced. About a month after the divorce was finalized (we continued to have sexual relations during the finalization process - stupid, I know), I found out that I was pregnant.

I told him about the pregnancy. He was shocked and didn't seem to want to discuss our options. Shortly after that I lost contact with him. I know where he lives and works so I could reach him at any time, it's just that he stopped calling me and I stopped calling him. I made the decision on my own to give the baby up for adoption and chose a lovely family to enter into an OA agreement with. I was 100% sure that he would be as thrilled as I was with my choice, but it turns out that I was 100% wrong! I told him about 6 weeks ago of my adoption plans and he went into hysterics saying that I was not going to give his baby away. I pleaded and begged him, I explained to him that this was an OA and he would get to remain in the child's life, I tried to make him see how unprepared either of us are to be parents, but nothing worked. He is adamant that he wants to raise this baby. I have tried to get him to explain to me how he plans on providing for a baby when he cannot even provide for himself half the time, but he just keeps repeating like a stubborn child "I want to raise my baby". I don't know what to do. I am in no way financially prepared to raise a child and he is even less prepared than me!

So now I am thinking about giving the baby away through Safe Haven. Even though our state has a Safe Haven law, I would travel out-of-state to help reduce the chances that the father would be found. I have done some research and there are several states that would allow me to give the baby away anonymously and do little to find the father. I have some concerns about this plan, however, and would like some opinions as to whether it would work. Here are my concerns:

1) I plan on returning to my home city after surrendering the baby because this is where my family and my life is. Of course, he's going to wonder what happened to the child. Is there any way that he can legally compel me to tell him where the child went?

2) If he does take me to court or something and I am forced to tell that I surrendered it under Safe Haven, is that in any way illegal because I knew he didn't agree?

3) If he were to somehow find this baby, could he have the adoption overturned? I know an adoption can be overturned in the case of fraud, but this isn't really fraud, is it? If they never asked who the father was and I never told, that's not fraud, is it? I'm sure these states must have a secure way to terminate the rights of fathers or else the resulting adoptions would be being challenged all the time.

I know many reading this think it is a moral sin for me to give this child away without the father's consent. I agree and I wish I didn't have to. But my first concern is giving this baby the life that it deserves, and sadly, neither I nor the father, are able to provide that right now. I just wish that he was able to see it that way and we could go through with the OA I originally planned.

So can anyone give me a reason why my Safe Haven plan wouldn't work? Also, if anyone has any other options, I would love to hear them.

[MamaS]

Originally Posted by SallieM

I know many reading this think it is a moral sin for me to give this child away without the father's consent. I agree and I wish I didn't have to. But my first concern is giving this baby the life that it deserves, and sadly, neither I nor the father, are able to provide that right now. I just wish that he was able to see it that way and we could go through with the OA I originally planned.

So can anyone give me a reason why my Safe Haven plan wouldn't work? Also, if anyone has any other options, I would love to hear them.

It may be morally wrong, but you know the baby's father, and you are the baby's mother, so I accept that you have a right to make decisions that will safeguard the baby.

You are divorced, so he is not TECHNICALLY the baby's father. His name would not appear on the birth certificate unless you consented and he signed.
In order to "prove" he was the father, he would have to register with the state Putative Father Registry, have DNA testing (hard to do if the baby is gone) AND prove that he had provided financial support during the pregnancy.
Yes, if he tracked down the baby and proved it was his, he might could sue to overturn the adoption --anyone can sue about anything these days-- but that does not mean he could actually win.
You might want to talk with a lawyer, just to be sure of your legal rights, but this is my take on it.

Also, there is a chance that when he sees that saying "I want to raise my baby" isn't going to bring you back to him, or allow him to control your life he may be relieved to drop the subject.

[dpen6]

This whole situaion is raising red flags for me....regardless of how bad this guys fiances are , is he going to hurt the child physically or emotionaly?

Will he support you through the pregnancy, if he does't then you may be able to place the child.

This child will want to know who gave birth, who created them and how it impacts them..to just "give it up" with any info for the person later in life is very unfair...and morally wrong imo....just to make it easier for you and the potentail adoptive parents..

sorry...not liking ths one bit.

edited to add...not to mention the pain any future adoptive parents might feel at having there adoption disrupted!

[Suziebearhugs]

I wouldn't do anything without speaking to a lawyer about your rights and the birthfathers rights, and I also wouldn't make any decisions without thinking of how each of your decisions will affect the child now and later in life.

[SallieM]

Thank you all for your responses.

MamaS: In California, he is considered the presumed father because we were married within 300 days of the baby's birth. That means he automatically has rights unless DNA tests proves that he IS NOT the father (which it won't because he IS). That's why I think the only way I can do this is with an anonymous Safe Haven adoption. I can't stop him from choosing to parent this child if his identify is known.

dpen6: I don't believe that he would intentionally harm the child physically or emotionally. However, I also don't believe that he has the maturity or financial resources to provide a good home to a child at this point in his life. He is 19 years old (as am I) and has not yet outgrown the "life is a constant party" phase of his life. He is in and out of jobs (usually because of his bad behavior) and oftentimes his only "home" is a friend's couch (although he does currently have a very low paying part-time job and a very low-rent apartment with 3 party-boy roommates). He lives his life more like a college fratboy than a grown adult and he doesn't seem to have any desire to change that. There is a chance that having a baby could cause him to mature and outgrow this behavior (although marriage didn't), but it's not a gamble I want to take with MY baby! Even if he did outgrow the party-boy mentality, it wouldn't likely help his finances anytime soon. He has no education (not even a high school diploma or GED) and is only capable of getting minimum wage jobs (which so far he hasn't been able to keep). His finances and job prospects are far worse than mine, and like I said, I am not in a position to support a baby, so I don't see how he could be.

I do feel absolutely horrible about disrupting the adoption for this couple that I have chosen. But the fact remains, if he refuses to sign the paperwork, then their adoption will be disrupted whether I like it or not. As I see it, it is not a matter of making things easier for me and the potential adoptive parents, it's a matter of making an adoption possible at all.

I hate the thought of my son growing up not knowing who his bio-parents are (which is why I chose OA in the first place), but if that's the only option I have to give him a decent life, then so be it.

Suziebearhubs: Thanks for the advice. I will be calling attorneys tomorrow to see if there are options available that I don't know about, but based on my extensive research, I don't think there are. I think my only option is a Safe Haven surrender, but then my concern is what happens if he finds out about it (I guess an attorney can probably answer that question too). I am 8 months pregnant so I do have to make a decision very quickly. Once the baby is born, I think my options will become much more limited.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by SallieM

3) If he were to somehow find this baby, could he have the adoption overturned? I know an adoption can be overturned in the case of fraud, but this isn't really fraud, is it? If they never asked who the father was and I never told, that's not fraud, is it? I'm sure these states must have a secure way to terminate the rights of fathers or else the resulting adoptions would be being challenged all the time.

He ABSOLUTELY could have the adoption overturned.

I placed using Safe Haven, and there is still a time period where he can DEFINITELY claim his rights to this child.

My experience is that they will NOT ask who the father is - the SW's aren't working for you or the father, they're working for the adopting couple. I was explicitly told to NOT name my daughters birthfather for fear that he would exercise his rights to parent.

It felt wrong and it WAS wrong. PLEASE don't go down this path, for your child's sake.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by MamaS

It may be morally wrong, but you know the baby's father, and you are the baby's mother, so I accept that you have a right to make decisions that will safeguard the baby.

You are divorced, so he is not TECHNICALLY the baby's father. His name would not appear on the birth certificate unless you consented and he signed.
In order to "prove" he was the father, he would have to register with the state Putative Father Registry, have DNA testing (hard to do if the baby is gone) AND prove that he had provided financial support during the pregnancy.
Yes, if he tracked down the baby and proved it was his, he might could sue to overturn the adoption --anyone can sue about anything these days-- but that does not mean he could actually win.
You might want to talk with a lawyer, just to be sure of your legal rights, but this is my take on it.

Also, there is a chance that when he sees that saying "I want to raise my baby" isn't going to bring you back to him, or allow him to control your life he may be relieved to drop the subject.

I'm sorry, but I'm just stunned that you're encouraging someone to try to act outside the law and deny someone his own child!

She hasn't said anywhere that he would be an unfit parent, just that he doesn't have the best financial situation right now - but that doesn't mean that he should be denied the right to parent, especially having NO say in the matter.

He isn't "technically" the father???

Yes, he is this babies father. There is no "technically." Legally? That depends on the state, since some states have (in my opinion) very backwards and out of date laws regarding this. As the OP stated, in CA he's legally considered the father, and no matter what state, he sure is "technically."

I understand how scary it can be to be in this situation - believe me I do, but that doesn't mean that having the baby out of state and hiding it from it's biological father is the answer.

Should you enter the open adoption you speak of, how do you plan to explain to your child what you did to prevent the father from parenting? Just something to think about....

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, and I'm definitely here to support, but if this man DOES want to step up and parent, I don't think that he should be denied that right, especially through unethical means.

[legal]

This hurts my heart as an adopted person.Wow.Deception that the adopted person will learn of eventually and be crushed.

[Rondidondi]

I have to agree with the others that say this is wrong.
I understand that in times of desperation, sometimes we'll do anything. Really think of how the final outcome will affect your child though.
In the early stages of my pregnancy I was seriously thinking about saying I didn't know who the father was. For some of the same reasons you stated, he didn't have secure income, liked to go out alot...
The PA mom even knew this and stated she'd go along with it. But was concerned about what she would tell her husband as he insisted on the father being known.
I did come to my senses and told the father of his son. He had his period of wanting to parent and then agreed to the adoption.
I ended up parenting my son. His father...is a huge part of his life, got a full-time job, and has slowed down on his going out. Sometimes having a child to care for really makes them look at their life differently.
Your child has the right to know who his father is. Please, rethink your decision, for your child's sake.

[EZ2Luv]

This is so wrong and I am appauled at anyone suggesting this plan be executed. Just wrong!!! As an adoptee who's Bmom took my Bdad's identity to the grave with her, you have no idea what an impact this has on my life.
Sure I love my aparents and amom is Momma and adad is Daddy, but I do have a biological father and it is my right to know him. I was ROBBED of that right when my bmom chose to lie. Even people who breed dogs list their sire and lineage, yet because a woman decided to be decietful I have no idea who my bfather is.

EZ

[BethanyB]

I imagine you are going through a rough time right now, but I agree with the others in that this is very wrong. I know you don't think he is prepared right now, but shouldn't he get a chance to prove if he is serious or not?

Your baby deserves to be with his father if possible. Maybe his parents will be able to help him out. Or maybe you can actually put the ball in his court and tell him that he needs to find a place for him and the baby to live as well as daycare while he works and so on. If he is not really serious about raising the child, he may realize it then. I just do not believe any of this should be done on the down low.

I would find it so sad to be a man and know that I had no control over whether my baby would be raised by me or total strangers. If he wants this baby, I think it's the right thing to do.

I wish you luck!

[SallieM]

Thank you all for your advice and support. For those who feel this is wrong, I understand your feelings because a part of me also thinks it is wrong. But I just don't see any other options.

Truth be told, I don't really think the father wants to raise the baby. What he really wants is for me to raise the baby and for him to be able to pop in occassionally to play daddy. But even if he were willing to take 100% custody, how can I allow that? How can I in good conscious say that I'm not prepared to raise a baby and then hand him over to someone way less prepared than me? This is a man who has never made a commitment to anything in his life! He dropped out of highschool at 15, then dropped out of vocational school (several times). If he holds a job for 6 weeks he considers it long-term. He goes through addresses like most people do socks (because of his failure to pay rent). How can I expect that he is going to really make a commitment to raise a child? That would mean keeping a job, getting an education to make a better life for himself and the baby, getting a stable home. None of these things has he shown any capability or willingness to do in the past. How can I take the gamble that he'll really make the commitment necessary to change his entire lifestyle to raise this baby? Even if I believed he was serious in his commitment, that still wouldn't change his circumstances right now, today. I would still be saying "I'm not ready to be a mother", but handing my baby off to someone far less ready than me. I can't in good conscious do that. I would rather have my son suffer a little hurt as an adult when he discovers the deception (if he discovers it and if he even cares), then have him suffer 18-years of hurt in a bad childhood.

Anyway, I did speak to an attorney today. He basically confirmed what I already knew. There is no way I can go through with the open adoption that I had planned without the father's consent. The only choices that I have are 1) raise the baby myself, 2) hand the baby over to the father to raise, or 3) an anonymous safe haven surrender. There is also the possibility that the father could refuse to sign the adoption papers and refuse to take custody, in which case I would have the choice of taking custody myself or leaving the baby in legal limbo (fostercare) for god knows how long. I definitely won't allow that to happen!

The attorney also advised me on which states had the least father-friendly safe haven laws so that I can surrender the baby and be assured that the father can't overturn the adoption later. Not that I really think he would anyway. It's real easy to refuse to sign a piece of paper, but alot harder to actually go through a court process to overturn an adoption. He's good at doing the easy stuff, not so good when real effort is required.

Anyway, my decision has pretty much been made for me by a lack of any other viable options. Arrangements are being made and I should be leaving for the state I have chosen to surrender my baby in by the end of the week.

Once again, thank you all for your advice.

[JustPeachy]

I told him about the pregnancy. He was shocked and didn't seem to want to discuss our options. Shortly after that I lost contact with him. I know where he lives and works so I could reach him at any time, it's just that he stopped calling me and I stopped calling him. I made the decision on my own to give the baby up for adoption and chose a lovely family to enter into an OA agreement with. I was 100% sure that he would be as thrilled as I was with my choice, but it turns out that I was 100% wrong! I told him about 6 weeks ago of my adoption plans and he went into hysterics saying that I was not going to give his baby away.

I have heard of scenarios such as this a number of times, and, at the risk of being flamed, I cannot help but wonder if this is mostly about CONTROL on the part of the father. When the OP told him she was pregnant, he couldn't have cared less and essentially dropped out of the picture. But the moment she announced her plans for adoption, he went into "you're not giving up my child" mode, and given what the OP is telling us, I seriously doubt he wants to raise this child or is in the position to do so. Note that he didn't say "I will raise my baby" or "I want to keep the baby in my family" or "I can help you raise our child." That is very telling to me. If push came to shove, my guess is, he would not raise this baby. I also feel (and again, I'm donning my flame-proof suit here) that the OP has the right to assess the father's situation and if it is indeed worse off than what she can provide (and it doesn't sound too swift), she is perfectly within reason to want to protect her child from that. The way she is thinking to go about it may not be right, but I understand her reasoning behind it. This is a tough situation. Sallie M, do you think if you called his bluff, he would agree to the OA?

[Rondidondi]

Sounds like your set on doing this.
My one suggestion would be to try to keep taps on the father for the next 18+ years. So when/if your son ever searches you can then give him the information.
My thoughts are with you through this tough time.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by Rondidondi

Sounds like your set on doing this.
My one suggestion would be to try to keep taps on the father for the next 18+ years. So when/if your son ever searches you can then give him the information.
My thoughts are with you through this tough time.

ABSOLUTELY.

And if you have any desire to talk about this privately, PLEASE feel free to email me. I know that there are very few people to talk to as a resource that have actually used Safe Haven, so if you need to, please write.

Thanksgivingmom@hotmail.com