[JustPeachy]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I have heard of scenarios such as this a number of times, and, at the risk of being flamed, I cannot help but wonder if this is mostly about CONTROL on the part of the father. When the OP told him she was pregnant, he couldn't have cared less and essentially dropped out of the picture. But the moment she announced her plans for adoption, he went into "you're not giving up my child" mode, and given what the OP is telling us, I seriously doubt he wants to raise this child or is in the position to do so. Note that he didn't say "I will raise my baby" or "I want to keep the baby in my family" or "I can help you raise our child." That is very telling to me. If push came to shove, my guess is, he would not raise this baby. I also feel (and again, I'm donning my flame-proof suit here) that the OP has the right to assess the father's situation and if it is indeed worse off than what she can provide (and it doesn't sound too swift), she is perfectly within reason to want to protect her child from that. The way she is thinking to go about it may not be right, but I understand her reasoning behind it. This is a tough situation. Sallie M, do you think if you called his bluff, he would agree to the OA?

OOPSIE! I should have read more carefully before I responded

I have tried to get him to explain to me how he plans on providing for a baby when he cannot even provide for himself half the time, but he just keeps repeating like a stubborn child "I want to raise my baby".

Nevertheless, I still stand by my previous post. It is not enough for him to just repeat his wishes. He really needs to ACT on them. If he wants to raise his baby, he will need to prove, if I am not mistaken, that he can do so, or has alternate arrangements in place in terms of who will be looking after the baby and supporting him or her. What has he done so far to put any of this in place? If the answer is "nothing" I don't see how he is going to really follow through in the long run. It could be that he will realize, when faced with having to actually take concrete steps toward preparing for a baby, that he is really not ready and will agree to the OA.

[athikers]

As an adoptive mom, my heart is saying PLEASE don't do this. I can understand if you have misgivings about the father, but he has rights just as you have rights. If he wants to parent, let him parent, let your child grow up with that biological connection and if you don't wish to be a mom right now, you can still sign termination papers for yourself.

Open adoptions, even the good ones, are nothing at all like parenting. If your ex-husband wishes to parent I hope you will give him that choice. My daughter's mom loves her and is good to her, but she only sees her for an hour every three months and you can just see she misses her terribly and wishes things could be different.

[jdox0776]

One thing to consider, if he were to contest the adoption and not sign anything, he would have to prove he can provide for the child. The judge would decide for the child's best interest, which I really cannot see him winning.

In my case, we were not married when I gave birth. Even though he didn't want the child he would not sign the papers. He was served to go to court but did not show and failed to respond to ads in the paper so his rights were relinquished.

He still says well he never signed anything but he has no legal leg to stand on and even if he did manage to bring it to court he would have to prove why overturning the adoption is in her best interest and have everything else in order to be able to parent a child.

Now it is too late because she is 15 and no judge in their right mind would overturn it. He has not considered that she does not know him and would not automatically run into his arms.

On another note, this is his opportunity to show how much he really wants to parent his child, if he really wants it he will change for the better and gets arrangements into place, if he doesn't then he will do nothing. Actions speak much louder than words, it is not enough to say he wants his child, prove it by becoming finacially stable, getting his own place and so on. Every child deserves the right to be raised in a good home, whether it be with both or one bparent or aparents.

[FullQuiverMamma]

Originally Posted by SallieM

Truth be told, I don't really think the father wants to raise the baby. What he really wants is ...

It doesn't matter what you think the dad is or isn't - it's his kid.


He will find you and you will likely go to court, having to tell the judge where you left the baby - especially since your ex already told you he wants his baby. You don't get to play God in this situation. And whatever legal advice you are getting (paying for??) telling you to give away someone else's child - not very good advice and he/she may not have your back either.

My suspicion is that this is the only ounce of control left in your relationship with your ex and/or his control of you - but that's not fair. You still have to honor him being the child's father - that is the law.

[anilorak13ska]

While I understand your desire to do the right thing for your baby, you need to consider ALL of his rights, not just what you perceive to be his needs.

Your response to some of the posters' pleas with you regarding the perspective of the adoptee seem to not be taking them seriously. Not knowing your heritage is not a minor thing! Without full disclosure, a person cannot make peace with their identity. If you can't feel comfortable in your own skin, that will effect EVERYTHING in your life!

A party lifestyle, unstable living arrangement, financially not well off - these suck, but they do not in themselves make for a bad parent. If I had the choice to be raised by a rather irresponsible but not harmful parent, without all the fancy stuff all my friends have, or to have a nice, middle-class upbringing with perfectly caring and loving parents but without having any idea of where I come from - I'd choose the former.

***But since it sounds like you are set on doing this, I'd ask that you take very close notes on the circumstances of when, where, how, and with whom you leave your baby as part of the Safe Haven law. While you can be annonymous, get the name of the person you hand your baby to. This way, you can post all of this information on a place like this forum, so that your child DOES have a way to reach you and find out about their heritage. I would assume that the circumstances of the drop-off would be noted (I would hope!) in the baby's file, so he would have access to that.***

[SallieM]

I hadn't planned on posting back to this thread, but I came today and clicked on "Today's Posts" and saw this thread at the top of the list, so I'd thought I'd leave an update.

The baby was born a few weeks ago and I did give him away using Safe Haven. As I'd posted on another thread, I had the opportunity to meet with his new family and speak to them for several hours. I'm really glad I did because I found them to be a wonderful family and I think they will be just as good for my son as the family I originally choose. I left them with contact information for both me and the father so that they can give it to my son when he gets older.

Coincidentally, I ran into the father in the grocery store the other day. He must have noticed that I'm no longer pregnant, but yet he never asked about the baby! I think that speaks volumes regarding his intentions in being a father! In fact, when I asked him if he had moved back to the area (because most people grocery shop close to their homes), he became extremely nervous and evasive and couldn't get away from me fast enough. My guess is he assumes because he never signed the paperwork that I kept the baby and will be coming after him for child support.

I am so glad that I ran into him. It really helped confirm in my mind that I made the best choice for my baby.

[anilorak13ska]

SallieM - I'm so glad that it sounds like everything is working out! The baby will not have this missing void from not knowing about you and the birth father, you got the peace of mind knowing who will raise the baby, and your chance encounter with the father clearly indicates to me that he really is not interested in being the baby's father after all.

Thanks for the update! God bless.

[Suziebearhugs]

Glad to hear all is well.