[Prego45601]

I am 22 weeks pregant and still unsure about what I will do.
I was in engaged and found out that I'm pregnant. This was not a planned pregnancy at all. When I shared the news with my soon to be husband who had always told me he wanted us to have kids right after we got married. He seemed unsure about it when I first found out. He then refused to go to any doctor's appointments with me and told me that he had lied that the truth is he don't want kids and never will.

He wanted me to have an abortion but I honestly felt that was a decision I could not make personally. So my options are to keep my child or to give him up for adoption. I have a wonderful guy who has always been a great family friends. He has kids of his own but is single but still has a very active roll in his childrens life. We had many discusions and he agreed that If I decide to keep my child he would be the godfather.
When I discused with him the option of adoption. I made it clear that I have a major problem giving my child to just anyone and not sure I could do adoption unless I was 100% comfortable with the parents and got to pick them and be a part of my childs life. So me and him talked and he said that if I decide to go that route, that he would take full custody of my son and I could always remain his mother and be a part of his life.
After talking about this option with him more and more. I feel that if I decide that keeping my son is not what is best for him. I would want to be able to give my family friend custody of my son and still remain in his life. So I'm not sure if this option would be considered adoption or what. I assume it would as he is not the birth father and would have full custody of my child. I am just not sure on where to look on information on how to go about this, and what the laws are reguarding this in my state. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreaciated. Thanks!

[Withay]

Contact an adoption attorney and see what they say.

[bromanchik]

Are you getting some unbiased counseling? Please do not go to an adoption attorney until you can tell him what you want. There are too many vultures out there. What state are you in? Adoption laws vary from state to state.

[sheababy]

I agree with bromanchik-get some unbiased counseling before contacting anyone who will only talk to you about adoption. I would call your local Planned Parenthood-they can point you in the right direction so you can consider all your options.

[larainecd]

I would get some counseling first. I am unsure as to whether you are still engaged. If so, you will need to decide about that relationship as that's a pretty big issue to lie about. If not, a broken engagement is a lot of pain to work through.

Sounds like you have some support from friends which is great. You should talk with someone to help you sort through everything.

[quantum]

Hiya,

How are you doing? This is a really rough time, no easy solutions!

I relinquished my son 24 years ago, it was a closed adoption, not something I was happy with, but I was a bit coerced into it. We've been in reunion for 2 years now, it's been fantastic, but I ache for the years that we didn't have together.

That said, I would encourage you to look at ALL your options. I know it feels overwhelming and perhaps the wrong decision to parent, but I still think it's worth looking into just to see. At least then, if you do decide adoption is the way to go, you'll have some peace in knowing that you looked at parenting!

It's often said here, that adoption is a permanent solution to temporary circumstances. Boyfriends can change their minds, or come and go anyway. Family friends can move away, jobs can come and go. Anything can happen really! Both positive and negative.
Of course you can't think of every single thing!

Also bear in mind that open adoptions aren't legally binding in many places.

No matter what you decide, I urge you to be at peace with that decision. Many moms take their children home for some days or a week or whatever, before they make a final decision. There is no rush to make a final decision.

As to your family friend. I know nothing about legalities or legal implications with this kind of arrangement, but I just want you to think (and please forgive me if I'm overstepping the line here, I'm just going on what you've said and gut feeling, could be WAY offbase) about what your relationship with this man really is? Are you hoping for the potential of more than him just raising your child? I would imagine that would be a tricky situation if your feelings for him are just friendship, or his for you.
Just a thought.

Hang in there! Don't rush yourself. Listen to your HEART. Be at peace with what you finally decide. If you are unsure, you are not ready to make a decision.

Let us know how you're doing as well.

[Pastorswife]

I know this sounds like a great plan now. Someone else takes care of and supports your child while you get to be involved. But I'm affraid that's not the way it will really work out. In order for someone to get custody of a child that's not the biological father, you have to relinquish your rights. Than you will have no legal say in what goes on in that child's life. Your friend may always let you, but sooner or later that will get old, especially if you two disagree on situations and issues. Also you need to think about the child. This could be really confusing for him/her and end up causing some real emotional or behavioral problems. If you're not ready to be a mother and you don't think you could financially and emotionally support this child than your best option would be to give up your baby for adoption to someone you choose. I'm not saying it will be easy, matter of fact it will probably be the hardest thing you will ever do, but it also tells your child that no matter how bad it hurts you, you thought of him/her first. There are so many couples out there that could give this child a loving, great, and stable home. Look into open adoptions. I have friends that have 2 different open adoptions and they love it. They take their kids birth moms on vacation with them and she comes to visit a couple times a year and stays at their house. She always comes at Christmas time. The kids don't know that she is birthmom yet, but they will eventually. I hope this helps you.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Pastorswife

I know this sounds like a great plan now. Someone else takes care of and supports your child while you get to be involved. But I'm affraid that's not the way it will really work out. In order for someone to get custody of a child that's not the biological father, you have to relinquish your rights.

Actually this is not true. There are limited guardianships that would address what she is proposing.

Originally Posted by Pastorswife

Than you will have no legal say in what goes on in that child's life. Your friend may always let you, but sooner or later that will get old, especially if you two disagree on situations and issues. Also you need to think about the child. This could be really confusing for him/her and end up causing some real emotional or behavioral problems. If you're not ready to be a mother and you don't think you could financially and emotionally support this child than your best option would be to give up your baby for adoption to someone you choose.

How would this be confusing to the child? There are plenty of children that have non-custodial parents. She would have legal say, she would be giving up physical custody with a limited guardianship, not legal custody.

Open adoption is far more risky because parental rights are fully terminated. Just ask the women who have been promised contact only to be completely cut off.

[Pastorswife]

There are plenty of children that have non-custodial parents. She would have legal say, she would be giving up physical custody with a limited guardianship, not legal custody.

Again I say, this would probably be confusing for the child. If you've been a parent at all, how would it make you feel if you're the one getting up in the middle of night with a sick child, your the one that has to be around when all of the temper tantrums happen and the testing of boundaries. Then someone else comes in and tells you how to deal with it and what to do. How easy would it be to be a parent and let someone else deal with all of the bad times while you get all of the good. Wow, it sounds like that child will grow up knowing exactly who to turn to and who to trust. NOT! In order for a child to grow up as normal as possible he/she needs to know their boundaries and who's in charge, not "hey I live with this family but this woman comes over and tells them how to raise me." If she wants to be a mom, than be a mom, otherwise do the best thing for the child and give it up to someone who can take care of and love him/her. I'm not saying she doesn't love her unborn child, quite the opposite, I'm saying she loves him/her so much that she puts the baby before herself. Sometimes being a parent means sacrificing. I'm not trying to be mean or rude, I'm just trying to give the practical side of this situation. And yes, I know from experience watching my cousins go through almost this exact same situation. Not a good thing. And depending on what state you live in, the type of guardianship your talking about might not exist. Every state has different laws regarding these types of things.

[JustPeachy]

Again I say, this would probably be confusing for the child. If you've been a parent at all, how would it make you feel if you're the one getting up in the middle of night with a sick child, your the one that has to be around when all of the temper tantrums happen and the testing of boundaries. Then someone else comes in and tells you how to deal with it and what to do. How easy would it be to be a parent and let someone else deal with all of the bad times while you get all of the good.

I dunno. Many folks in traditional marriages where strict gender roles are observed manage to raise kids in exactly this manner, with the mother doing all the day-to-day work, dealing with boundaries, rules, hands-on care, etc., while the father does much less in that regard (and in some instances, does next to nothing), has more of the "kodak moments" and yet still interacts with the children and has an opinion and input into decision-making on how they are raised. You also see this dynamic with single moms who are doing all the day-to-day caretaking while the baby's father is only seeing the child during visitation.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Pastorswife

Again I say, this would probably be confusing for the child. If you've been a parent at all, how would it make you feel if you're the one getting up in the middle of night with a sick child, your the one that has to be around when all of the temper tantrums happen and the testing of boundaries. Then someone else comes in and tells you how to deal with it and what to do. How easy would it be to be a parent and let someone else deal with all of the bad times while you get all of the good.

You are assuming I am not a parent. You could not be more wrong. My daughter is 17 and my son is 13. I know all about what it means to be a parent.

I am also a therapist. I work with many children who have non-custodial parents, intact families and many who are adopted. The main factor in their happiness/struggles is whether or not their parents get along. They are not confused by having a non-custodial parent. They aretorn apart when parents are fighting and putting them in the middle. And that can happen in any type of family. Prego, if you feel that type od situation can work for you and this is someone you can parent with, I say go for it. Do not let convention get in the way of providing what you believe is best for your baby.

[yehudit]

Hello,
I'm so sorry to hear about how your fiance reacted to your news. From reading your post, it sounds like to want to be involved in your baby's life, but are intimidated by the prospect of parenting, let alone being a single parent. Did I read that right? And that is perfectly natural. I was 31 before I got to be a parent, and I was plenty conflicted even with my relatively stable life.

Please remember what the others have said, that if your friend adopts your baby it will legally become his baby. He may allow you to visit, but all the major decisions will be his. Would you be able to handle it if he make a decision you find objectionable? What if he decides to move away or get married? Could you really sit back and let him drive all the way? What if you have a falling out with your friend and he withholds your child from you? Even though you obviously trust him, your agreement would not be enforceable so he could, in theory, go back on his word for any reason.

Would your friend be willing to help as a "father figure" if you decide to keep the baby? Do you have any other support? I say this because you can have the baby, take him home and give it a try before making your final decision. If he wants to raise your baby, he should be just as willing 3-6 months down the road as now. And you will have had a chance to try out being a mom with some support but without giving away your rights.

I'm not trying to discourage you, but I think your feelings might change once the baby arrives and you realize that you can be a good mother. You are not being selfish by wanting to keep your baby. A good unbiased counsellor should be able to help you work through some of these issues. Please get counselling from someone not in the adoption industry.

Good luck and I know whatever you decide will be the right thing for you and the baby.

[mommy12]

hello i wanted to tell you that im sorry to hear things are such a stress factor in your life. your getting closer to your little angel being here and the choice is actually up to you. now i wont sit here an tell you that keeping or giving your baby to a loveing couple is wrong or right because thats not something im here for . im here to tell you that no matter what you choose to do. will always be there. being a mom is hard at a young age but its wonderful. and being a mom who wants more then she can give her baby is a woman who can admitt she is scared and wants the best for her baby. now if your choice is because you dont want to be a single mom then i will say that many woman raise children alone an there children grow up fine an happy. i myself was a single mom for years and my children are happy wonderful respectful children. it was hard on me for a while i didnt think i can do it but i did . and me having another baby is something more scary since my last child. maybe the worst that i have ever felt in my last year. but im not much for faith but god will look over my child and me an keep me strong as i have always had to be. so do yourself something think really hard about what you want to do and always know you can change your mind in a second. bless you and the choice you have to make