[Pangare]

I'm 33 years old, about to start my second marriage, self employed, financially strained, and surprise... pregnant.

At any rate, we have discussed our options, and are leaning towards adoption. Personally, neither of us have any interest in the raising of a child, but feel sympathy for people who desire children and are unable to have them.

Unfortunately, this comes at a horrid financial time for me. My business is a luxury one, and is doing very poorly at this time. I'm barely able to make ends meet, and I gave up health care to make the mortgage. I know that I qualify for medicaid in my state (due to the pregnancy) but I need proof of pregnancy for that. Also, from my quick research, it seems that adoption agencies also need the proof. So, my main problem is, how do I manage to handle that first doctor's visit, to get all the other ducks in a row? Is there some bit of assistance I've missed out on? Is there an agency or center that can advise me on this?

I'm in such a tizzy over all this. Not about being pregnant so much, as I am over the side effects of it. My job can sometimes be dangerous (I train horses) and I'm unsure of how to keep the business going while I am heavily pregnant. As well, my parents have not made any secret of how they want us to have children of our own. I'm sure my mother will be upset about our decision, but I'd really prefer to have her support and guidance on this.

On the upside, I'm in a stable relationship, have a very supporting man at my side (he says he's always wanted to have a reason to spoil me this much) and I'm old enough that societal influences don't matter much. My main problem is learning the ropes, and figuring out where to go and what to do now.

[abensonslaton]

You can go to a pregnancy resource center to get a pregnancy test and talk with a nurse. Also look up in the yellow pages and your local health dept can give you a free on low cost test and check up or call them and they can tell you where the free clinics are in your area. Sounds like you know your options. Good luck with your journey not matter the outcome. by the way you are not too old. I just help take care of a 48 year old woman who had twins and an 18 month at home.
Angela

[bensmother]

Contact your states medicaid program and they will direct you to a participating clinic in your area. When you call to make the appointment advise them that you will be applying for medicaid. They should have someone there who will speak to you after your appointment and help you with all of the paperwork, and since you just saw the doc you'll have your proof of pregnancy. Take advantage of the people who are there to help you. Best Wishes

[cetalley]

Planned parent-hood, will do this for no cost, at least here in Missouri it does. Even if you have some income, the most it would cost would be based on a sliding scale...since you are not married, it will most likely be free. Blessings in your decision, for it is a very long lonely journey, no matter if we are pleased with relinquishing, and doing this for the best interest of others...i hope this has helped. C.J.

[Pangare]

Thanks for all the information everyone! You have given me a great place to start. I can't tell you how much I appreciate being pointed in the right direction, and how much it has helped to clear my mind of the "OMG what do I do NOWs".

I'm hoping that with the full support of my fiancee, as well as my parents, that the journey won't be so long and loney, and that it will turn out to be a win for every one involved.

I keep telling myself that my mother will be able to enjoy telling her daughter the way of things, my father will naturally be in a tizzy, my fiancee will continue to be the perfect man he is, and some lucky family will have a baby to call their own.

Abensonslaton, thanks for putting things in perspective! After reading through so many comments from young ladies 10 years younger then me, in a much more serious and frightening situation (and more power to them for being brave enough to seek the help they need) it made me feel old, but lucky to be so. It's womem like you that inspire me to do this.

I will admit that I'm terrified to tell my mother (I chickened out today) about this. I don't know why, as I'm sure she will be completely supportive. And yet, I revert to a nervous twittering teenager when I think about it. I think my biggest fear is that she will want us to keep and raise the child, and not understand my perspective on it.

I know that as I go through this process, I will have momments of paranoia. Many aspects of it I just haven't learned yet, or haven't had the chance to digest. Hopefully a visit to the doctor, and contacting some agencies will help me focus and learn the questions I need to ask.

[folly]

Our situations are wildly similar. I sent you a pm.

[Magic_Hat]

Also, I'm sure some people on this forum can recommend ethical agencies in your area. The agency you go to should be able to point you in the right direction to get low cost health care and give you other support.

I could see where telling your mom could be really hard! You didn't mention whether you want an open adoption or not or whether it would bother you if your mom had a relationship with the child. It's an option that might work for your family.

Good Luck!

[Pangare]

Well, I broke down today, and fessed up to my parents. I'm disappointed in my mother, but very shocked about my father's reaction!

Mom wants to keep and raise the baby. I told her that's not an option! I did mention to her that it might be an option for her to have a relationship with the child after adoption, depending upon the family, but she didn't like that answer. Granted, it would be her only grandchild, as neither of her children have interest in starting a family.

My father on the other hand, was completely and totally supportive. He asked if this is truly the option we want, how he could help, and offered to track down information on anything I need, from counseling to medical advice.

Here's my great delema though. I really have no interest in children. My interest in adoption is more because it feels right, then because of any religious or moral issues. I'm almost scared to say this, but as this community seems so open and understanding....

I really don't want children, don't even like them very much. I'm pretty sure that I won't have much greif or misgivings over giving the child to it's proper family to be raised, and that I won't desire much if any contact with it once it's born. Using the word "it" sounds horrible, but I don't know whether to call the baby "he" or "she" yet.

I'm rather confused. The proper thing seems to be to say that I am not able to raise the child, and to give it up for it's own good, but in my case I really don't think I want the child. Is that horiibly wrong? Is that something I should never speak allowed? I admit that I'm unsure of how to deal with these feelings. I believe that it will make it easy to give the baby to a wonderful and caring home, but it seems like it's a horrible way to feel, and even worse to say!

[cetalley]

Pangare, Greetings to you, In responding again to your quandry, may I point out, howm much your postings show a very very unsure, confused person in yourself. I only wish to reiterate what some have said...COUNSELING....NEVER ONE THROUGH AN AGENCY/FACILITATOR/LAWYER. One whom has NO interest in the adoption field/outcome, of your CHOICE. It feels right for now...but after that child is born, cries, and you really HEAR and FEEL that cry, life may just surprise you. There is no time frame to relinquish, the best advice...even and especially if you are SURE, is to not make a relinquishment decision, until you at least say hello,spend some time with your bay(it), then after a time, call to relinquish. This is best for your infant, it offers a type of emotional stability, before being placed ino the arms of the mother whom will become its own mother in time. MANY of us firstmoms, would simply have given our right eye, to have had that opportunity. Regardless, and alas, there will be a lonliness, and a sadness, that even though we have many that love us....only you will indeed feel, for life! Others cannot relate to your journey, for only ones whom are living it can teell you. If indeed you are 100% positive, you do not "even like children", then relinquishing will be best for that infant...whom only needs his moms love. Since you feel you "cannot love" your child, it does indeed deserve a mother whom can. Please re-read your last post above me, it shows alot of unsure feelings, almost as if you are trying to convince yourself...this is right. An unbiased, non-adoption related therapist is a must in MHO! Blessings, I do feel for your delema...C.J.

[folly]

Please don't think I am trying to hijack this thread, but any ideas as to where to find inexpensive counseling? I don't qualify for gov't assistance.

I tried the crisis pregnancy center only to find that they get a kickback from the adoption agency for each expectant woman they send. They also prayed that I would be forgiven for having premarital sex LOL - I am 32 and in a LTR.

TIA

For the OP - I am glad that it went better than expected with your dad.

[JustPeachy]

I'm rather confused. The proper thing seems to be to say that I am not able to raise the child, and to give it up for it's own good, but in my case I really don't think I want the child. Is that horiibly wrong? Is that something I should never speak allowed? I admit that I'm unsure of how to deal with these feelings. I believe that it will make it easy to give the baby to a wonderful and caring home, but it seems like it's a horrible way to feel, and even worse to say!

You know, there is nothing wrong with not wanting children. Many people do not have a desire for kids and make a conscious choice not to have them. However, if you have an unexpected pregnancy and abortion is not an option for you, then the next choice would be adoption (assuming you don't have a change of mind after your baby is born). I don't think it's anything to feel ashamed or horrible about.

[Pangare]

Hey Folly, try calling a Planned Parenthood center to get information about counseling. If they don't have a service they can recommend, they can direct you in the right direction. I recently called one in my general area (too far to drive to though) and they spent tons of time on the phone with me, giving me all sorts of contacts, from religious to non religious, from pro this to pro that options. They even offered to mail me literature on anything I needed. Although, my local Planned Parenthood office (I live in a VERY small town) wasn't nearly as helpful, the center located in the larger town was.

Cetalley, of course I have conflicting emotions! Sitting down to wite (i.e. vent) after my mother spent much time and effort making me feel very childish and selfish does have an effect on me. I'm well aware that she doesn't intend to make me feel that way, but SHE wants a grandbaby, and feels that I'm being very mean to not give her one. It upsets me, I'm not hiding that fact, and yes, it does make me feel rather unsure about my decision. But like I told her, I have a little bit of time left, I can think about this, it isn't like it's something I can ignore!

The emotional strain of having to explain to my mother why I think it's a BAD idea for her to raise my child as her own, at her age, on her fixed retirment income.... well lets just say it didn't go over well. With out my father's support it would have gone much worse.

Yes, I too am looking into counseling, but I'm really pretty early in this process. I'm still getting started, and my main concern at this time is proper medical care. I've only known that I was pregnant for about a week now, and I'm assuming that I'm only about 8 weeks pregnant. Of course, I won't be positive of that until I have it confirmed by ultrasound.

And much of my confusion is that every where I read, it's people who regret their decision, who wish they had kept their baby, who went on to have more children, and who have chosen to be active in their child's life. My inner confusion is largely based on how will I interact with this child later, if he or she ever does want interraction, and honestly explain why I gave him or her up for adoption. Saying "Well, I just didn't want to raise a baby" seems like the type of thing that would cause much mental anguish! I haven't seen any one address this concern, and I'm kinda sure that I'm not the only woman who gave a child up for adoption because I'm not the maternal type.

Yes, I do care for the baby, in the same way I care for any of my family. That does NOT mean though, that I want to, or think I should raise the baby, just as I wouldn't raise my parents, but still love them. I just don't know how to discuss this aspect with a potential adoptive family, with an adoption agency, attorney, or other professional. It seems like a rather taboo subject, and one that no one is talking about. With the anonymity of the internet, it seems like a great place to get advice with out the embarassment of a face to face discussion.

[Magic_Hat]

I'm sorry your mom wasn't as supportive as you'd hoped but it's great that your dad was so supportive.

I think it's important to get the counseling and keep re-examining your feelings as the pregnancy goes on. But you don't have to justify to an agency or an attorney why you want to place your baby. And as for the adoptive parents, they will be interested to know but honestly, they won't argue with you, they will just be thrilled to raise your baby! You can say that you don't think you are in a place in your life where you can be a good parent. It's not as simple as that, of course, but that's all your have to say. As you said, explaining it more to the child when they are older is where it would get hard.

[EZ2Luv]

First I want to congradulate you on your prenancy. Please don't be offended by that, but whether you decide to parent or not this is a new life growing inside you. Albeit unplanned.
Also, you do not have to make any decisions at this very moment. Take time and explore your options. My est friend was much like you. She did not have a fondness for children and when she became pregnant was in sheer panic. Add to that the crazy hormones and she was a basket case. Then as the weeks went by, she gradually began to change. The end result was she decided to parent and is a wonderful mother.
However, that was her choice, just like this is your choice. I also know a couple of women who enjoy pregnancy but not parenting.

Just know that whatever you decided it will be OK.
As others have said, counseling will help you sort your thoughts. I am an adoptee that was fortunate enough to be adopted by the greatest of parents so adoption can be beautiful and many turn out to be wonderful.
I pray that you find the peace and strength in whatever you decide.

EZ

[Gwen72]

EZ is right. If you are only 8 weeks pregnant you have plenty of time to think about this. You may change your mind several times during the pregnancy. You may change your mind again once the baby is born. That is OK. It's your baby and your life. Only you can make the best decision for you and the baby. I do strongly agree with a previous poster who said to take the time to say hello to the baby before you sign your rights and say goodbye. I was not allowed to see my son when he was born. It haunts me to this day. It was almost 18 years ago and I was just a kid in highschool at the time though. The adoption world is different today and you are a grown woman so the nurses probably won't push you around like they did me. I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide.