[Pangare]

Thanks EZ and Gwen.

Part of the reason I came here was to hear things like that from people who have been through this. From ALL sides of it.

I know what my mind is NOW, but, I always say, I am entitled to change it at any time, I am a woman after all, and that's our perogative. =)

Y'all really are a wonderful support system. I'm able to ask questions here that get me an idea of where to go and what to ask next.

[folly]

I don't know either that I can justify adoption. However, I do know that I sacrifice a LOT to keep my job and my own farm running smoothly and successfully. I have chosen to make those sacrifices and I'm okay with it, but it's not like I can walk away from it all tomorrow. A child would be forced to live with the same sacrifices that I have chosen to make. They wouldn't get to make that choice. Does that make sense, I'm guessing you're in a similar boat? If it's -10 or 110 I still have to be outside working from dawn to dusk, I don't take vacations and I don't buy luxury items. I don't think that it's fair to force a child into a life like that, nor do I want them raised by a childcare provider.

As far as changing your mind goes. I can be 100% sure that adoption is the best choice at noon and by 2pm be 100% sure that I could never give this baby up. I'm just learning to go with the flow.

[Pangare]

Thanks Folly, I think you've put it much better then I could.

I couldn't give up what I have worked so hard to have, and I can't justify a child with the type of life I lead, and I've never had any urge to have them, so it just makes sense to find an adoptive family.

Ironically, before this, I always assumed that my logical decision would be abortion, but when the momment of truth came, both of us felt that wasn't the choice for us. I can't explain it, it's just the way it is.

So who knows, maybe when the next momment of truth comes, we might change our minds again. I'm willing to go with the flow, and admit that I was wrong. =)

But, I have my first ultrasound on Monday! I'm terrified and excited all at once. I figure this is the next reality check I'll face. From looking at a plus on a stick, to looking at an image of the baby is a very different experience.

The better half and I, have been discussing adoption options, from open to closed, from agency to private. The center I found for my medical care also has counselors who donate time (not affiliated with the center specifically) and they will hand walk me through the medicaid application and process. Unfortunately, they are a bit away, but it's worth the drive, and they have come highly recommended by friends.

Ack, I'm so nervous!

[quantum]

Remember to breathe! And I'm glad that you're getting medical help and counseling! I'm also glad that you're exploring your options and keeping your mind open to the fact that you might change your mind.

One thing to say to you, I relinquished my son when I was 18. I was sure it was the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean it was hard. We reunited a couple of years ago and he's great! (he's nearly 24 now). I went through a LOT of years thinking I would never have kids, would never want to have kids, then I met my now husband in 2001 and KNEW. Now I'm 42 years old and raising 6 and 4 year old girls! You never know...

Take care and talk away!

[ranoutofnames]

Pangare - I'm so glad you are open to all options available. It sounds like your life is controlled chaos, I really do understand what it's like to live that kind of life.

A couple years ago (I was 35yrs old) I had a planned pregnancy, then around 8 weeks along I started feeling like it wasn't meant to be, I wasn't meant to parent another child (I had adopted 1 girl and was in the process of adopting another.) I just couldn't see how I could raise the two I had, work a full-time job and run my own business (I own 8 rental homes). It was planned, but I still had my doubts, I miscarried at 12 weeks.

The second time around I was 37yrs old, completely planned pregnancy, but that doesn't mean several times throughout my pregnancy I didn't have feelings that I really didn't want to raise another child. I was an emotional rollercoaster because, unlike yourself, I didn't have a partner that was supportive of other options (like adoption).

Ultrasounds, growing bigger, feeling him move... none of it made it real. He was born and I still didn't have any natural "mother" instincts kicking in. I was more bonded to my adopted daughters than my son and couldn't get over the feeling. When he was 4 months along I was finally diagnosed with Post Partum Depression with Anxiety Disorder and given meds to help and a terrific, non-judgemental therapist.... THANK GOD! Now I can finally look at life and put it in a different perspective, now I can be the mom all my children deserve. I wish I had sought professional help while I was pregnant.

I'm not saying you are having depression, on the contrary what I'm saying is that seeing a therapist can help you sort through your feelings that will fluctuate quicker than you'll change your socks! Even people who plan their pregnancy go through many of the fears and concerns you have. Some medications are safe to take during pregnancy and if you and your therapist are open to exploring those then the therapist will work with your OB.

Keep a journal of how you are feeling, it doesn't need to be words... you can use pictures... just some way for you to throw your worries and concerns into a book then close it for the night.

When I was your age I didn't think I wanted children either, but then A1 came into my life and I suddenly couldn't imagine life without her. A2 always felt like she was meant to be with us. It took time for T to become a part of my vision of my life... and now that he's almost 9 months old I can honestly say I still have those days where I struggle. Love him dearly but PPD gets in the way of the bond I thought I'd have.

My friend has an open adoption, she's single. The bioparents (yes, they are still together) often babysit (even overnight) and have taken the child on mini-vacations and other activities. They are always clear about who the parent of the child is (my friend). They were never in a financial or mental state to raise a child to adulthood (they were also in their late 30's), but as a support system to a single parent they are terrific... and their choice to place their child for adoption with a single parent gave that single parent a support system right from the get go that has made her adoption and transition to being a parent just that more successful.

Best of luck with your decision and I'll pray that your child is born healthy and has loving parents to raise "it", whether you're the parents or someone else is the parents. I hope throughout your pregnancy you'll love this child and it will hear and feel the heart of someone who only wants the best for "it". If you choose adoption I hope you will be open to some level of open adoption to the extent you and the adoptive parents would want. It sounds like you are putting your needs and your child's needs first and that is someone (as an adoptive mom) I wish I had for my daughters.

[Pangare]

Thanks for the words of encouragement "ranoutofnames". Love your name by the way!

We did go to a clinic yesterday (wow it seems like forever ago already) for the proof of pregnancy that every one seems to need. They gave me an ultrasound there, and determined that I am at 12 weeks! It's a bit further then I expected, but not that much. I have been feeling uterus grow exponentially lately, and was sure that I was much more then the 7 weeks that would be according to my cycle.

My better half was there with me, again the perfectly supportive person that I wanted and needed. I had a lovely chat with their "counselor" (she's not a professional, that's just her job title) and she said that we made her smile so much, because she hasn't seen a couple as accepting of the situation as we are.

My fiancee and I feel that this is something to be embraced and that we should enjoy the experience, what ever the outcome. Granted, I won't be truly happy, until I pass the point where I misscarried previously (16 weeks) but knowing that I am pregnant, I won't make the same mistakes I did then. Even if I don't intend to keep the child, I still want to adore it, and care for it as well as I can.

My fiancee said that when he saw the ultra sound, it wasn't that big of a deal at first... we see a lot of ultrasounds of the horses we breed... and then it HIT him, and he said pretty hard. It wasn't a foal, ti wasn't a documentary, it's HIS and MY baby that he was watching wiggle and move and the little heart beat. We had a lovely talk after we got home, and slowed down, and we're both very mentally comfortable about where we're at, and that we're on the same page.

And yes, we have discussed parenting as an option, and while it's not something we're ruling out (like I told a friend, even so far as to hang onto the kid's pony I was trying to sell... just incase) at this point we don't see it as the right choice for us. We both accept that we might change our minds, and are ok with that, but it will take more then a few weeks before that would happen regardless. We decided to start prenatal care ASAP, and just see what happens. If in a month we're still sure about adoptoin, then we will begin to choose an agency or family to work with. If we're unsure, then we can wait, if we choose to parent, then we can move forward in that way. We're playing it safe, and keeping our options open, even though we both do feel like adoption is the best choice at this time.

We do also know though, that this is a HUGE decision, and we're not going to jump into anything with out weighing all of our options. Financially, it's the worst possible time, but I know there are ways to get assistance. And yet, the lack of intention to parent, as well as the financial burden, it's not something easily overlooked.

All in all though, things are going great. My mother got a set of ultrasound photos made for her from the clinic (i got a set of course) and suddenly it was a breakthrough. Mom even took me shopping tonight for "necesities" and we had a lovely girl's night out and did some mother-daughter bonding.

I can't help thinking though of all the women who are in my situation with no support, who are scared, frustrated, and have no one to talk to. I've been counting my blessings every day that things are working out like they are. Hehe... either that, or my hormones are on over drive!