[notalone15]

Hi everyone, my names Caitlyn and I am currently 6 and 1/2 months pregnant....due june 16th, and I have made the decision that I am going to place this child up for adoption. I really hope i didnt decide too late, and I honestly don't know what steps to take. I know its impossible to absolutely know the child is going to be in good hands, but i would like to do everything in my power to make sure that it happens. Yet, i dont know where to start. I know I am not ready to be a mother, the birth father is a drug addict and i really have no idea where he is (nor do I care, frankly) Since then I have met a wonderful man who accepts the fact that I am pregnant and also accepts my decision. I know in his heart this is what he wanted me to choose, for many reasons, but he never pushed me in any way, and would not have left me if i had chosen otherwise. Financially, I am not stable, definetely not stable enough to add an addition to the family. I am high risk so i cannot work. I still live at home with my father, who also believes I made the right decision, and who also would have been supportive either way. I honestly do not feel like this child is mine, maybe in some other life i took a child from someone, and now is my chance to give a great gift to someone who cannot have a child.....i have a lot more to my story i just figured I would start with that......Any information, feedback, support would be greatly appreciated. Thank you......

Caitlyn.

[notalone15]

Also, I'd like to add that I know it will not be easy, and I aM sure there is counseling afterwards but im really glad I found these forums for support after the process is over....

[pwheatle]

Hello Caitlyn
I just wanted to step in here since you have not had any replies yet (it is the weekend and the board can be slow). It is definitely not too late to make the decision to pursue adoption. In fact emotionally you will really need to make the decision all over again after your baby is born. First thing to do is to contact some adoption agencies in your area and find one that you feel will be a good fit for you. You need to be open with your hopes dreams and expectations of them in the process.
It is also important to not accept any solicitations from this forum and some may try but it is unacceptable here and against the terms of service.
You sound like you have your situation figured out and have given your options some good thought.
I hope things will work out for you as you want them too and that if it is your wish that you have a warm healthy relationship with the family you choose if adoption continues to be your path.
You will get many more replies I am sure as the weekend progresses.
Tricia

[cksmom]

I'm not a birthmother but an adult adoptee. I hope you don't mind my butting in. I can't help but read your post over and over and feel troubled. As much as your say this wonderful man has not influenced your decision yet you now that this is what he wants in his heart. This is really about you and your baby, not him. I have to say that adoption is a forever solution to a temporary situation. Men come and go, financial situations change but adoption is forever. The pain for everyone is too.

As the pp said, you will need to decide all over again once your baby is born. Hugs to you Caitlyn!

[notalone15]

thank you tricia i really find this site amazing....and look forward to more advice like yours bed time now though! I will check tomorrow

[Janeytwo]

Hello Caitlyn,

Hi. I'm Janey.

I just read your post and am concerned for you over something in it. This sentence here:

I honestly do not feel like this child is mine, maybe in some other life i took a child from someone, and now is my chance to give a great gift to someone who cannot have a child

Could you possibly clarify? I only ask because it sounds as if you're saying that birthmothers have some kind of karma debt. (No hositility meant)

Though I have only been in this forum a short time (only a year), I've not seen anyone post anything like this and so I am worried that someone in your life is suggesting this idea to you in order to influence your decision. I don't mean that in a judgemental way toward them - nor toward you.

It's simply that in my experience, the public at large tend to have some very strange views about adoption. They seem to attach cause-and-effect thinking to it. Especially the "you have made a dire mistake in getting pregnant and now you must rectify that through surrender of your parental rights" type of thinking.


Caitlyn, I say this with compassion. You do not owe anyone your child. You do not owe anyone any pennance.. Nobody.

The sole responsibility you have (IMO) is to yourself and your baby. As Cksmom said - this is about the both of you and the both of you only.

Respectfully,

[quantum]

Hi and welcome!

Whenever I read a post like yours, I think about how I felt when I was faced with these decisions. I felt a lot like you do.
I also think about what I wish I was told!

Therapy is definately a good idea, now (try to find someone neutral) to help you through this and after.

Think about what kind of adoption you would like! I had no choice, it was closed and I was SUPER lucky to find my son, BUT it was when he was nearly 22. I would have loved to have an open adoption. Bear in mind that open adoption isn't legally enforcible in many states, but at least if you have an idea of what you want you can try to find potential adoptive parents that want the same thing!
I also would recommend taking your time to make any final decisions. Hold your baby, if you have the option of taking the baby home for a week, do that. I never had the chance to even see my baby, and I know those who held and fed their babies in the hospital, treasure those times.

Take care, read, ask a LOT of questions and research everything.

No one can prepare you for how this will affect your life, it's different for everyone. You're not alone though! Just make sure you follow your heart, and you'll be ok.

[alys1]

Three of my cousins about my age are adopted, and I only want to say that *everyone* in my family always felt that these children were a great gift to us. A great gift from their birthmothers and fathers. And we did everything possible to cherish and live up to the trust placed in us, and to honor the whole experience.

I don't myself know how you'll make your decision, but I would imagine that right now there are hundreds or thousands of truly wonderful, caring, responsible parents who're waiting to adopt a child. So if you choose any one of them, your child will have a wonderful future.

[Boulderbabe]

Hi Caitlyn,

I don't know whether or not you should put the baby up for adoption---and I wouldn't presume to tell you. But I do know that if you do, it's really important that the baby's father is aware of what is going on, and that he signs the legal consent to adoption. If he doesn't, it could cause a huge amount of legal hassle, and possibly even lead to the adoption being overturned years down the road. (This happened to a friend of mine, and her son was taken by his birth father when he was four. You can only imagine how traumatic that was for everyone!)

If you decide to go ahead with the adoption, please get in touch with a reputable adoption agency or an adoption attorney, and make sure this is done by the book. It's so important for you, for your ex, and especially for the baby.

Good luck! I hope that whatever you decide to do, things turn out well for all of you!

[cetalley]

HUGS...CAITLYN, Congrats on a new baby being born, it is cause enough to celebrate! I have seen mentioned counseling, and 100% with this, it really is a must. A word of advice, please insist upon a counselor that is NOT affiliated with any agency or facillitator, or Social Services...by doing a little research, even over the internet, you can find one in your area, that specialize in adoptions, or at the very LEAST, are highly recommended. This is extrememly important, so that you do KNOW for sure after the baby is born, that you are as sure as anyone can be, that you want to relinquish your baby...forever! Once this is done, there is no changing your mind. I also agree, and feel, that the babies father, regardless of your feelings or his history, must be informed, and it will be required by LAW. I hope you will take really good care of yourself, and learn to trust what it is that is INSIDE YOUR HEART, and no one elses! Blessings...C.J.

[notalone15]

thanks everybody for your input and concern.....i dont have much time on the net today but i will post again soon......

[josh1788smom]

Hi Caitlyn - welcome to the forums. The line you wrote about the "baby not being yours" kind of hit a note with me. I kind of felt like that when I was pregnant, and there was so much stress for me to determine I was placing my child, that feeling like he was not mine, truly made saying I would place easier to deal with.

Unfortunately, that all came back to bite me. My parents arranged for their infertile relatives to adopt my son, and they have even said to me lately, "sometimes you wanted to keep him, sometimes you wanted to place him." To which my response, what the heck else do you expect from a pregnant teen with no resources and support. Sometimes, I think it can seem like a disassociation between your pregnancy and the child being yours that you are carrying. sometimes I think, it really isn't real until the baby is born. I don't know. I am not an expert on the psyche. All I can tell you, is I had a child 20 years ago. He was not raised by me (I can't say I placed because my parents forced me to call the relatives and forced me to sign the papers in our dining room with no lawyer or counselor present). What I can tell you is 20 years later, I still am affected by the loss of this child. 20 years later, I think it is harder than it was back then. At least back then, I had hope. Now I have nothing.
Good luck with your decision, just please remember adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary situation.