[sweetyourock]

I am 19 almost 20 years old and 7 months pregnant. Last year my boyfriend of two years and I broke up and it was the hardest thing I had ever been through. I started seeing a new guy casually and ended up getting pregnant. My ex and I had started seeing each other again by the time I found out I was pregnant and these have been the worst few months of my life because of it. I still love him so much. He said at the beginning that we could only be together if I had an abortion, I went along with the idea for a while but I knew there was no way in my heart I could have ever let that happen. It's a few months too late for that now, and he's still there for me, but now I'm faced the the option of adoption.

The baby's father has wanted adoption since the beginning and he is semi-involved but I have pushed him away for the most part because of my boyfriend not wanting me to have anything to do with him. Everyday I feel this baby kicking and moving inside of me and sometimes it makes me excited and I just can't wait for this baby to come into the world so I can hold him and play with him and raise him. I got 3D ultrasound pictures the other day and he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and he still has 8 weeks to grow even more beautiful when I welcome him into the world.

My family has been more than supportive and is willing to help me finish school and raise the baby if that's what I choose to do. Sometimes though, I feel so terrible for what I did to my relationship with my boyfriend I just want to give the baby up and forget about all of this and just move forward. It sounds terrible but I can honestly say I have cried myself to sleep at night just wishing I had gone through with an abortion. I really don't think that's possible to just give the baby up for adoption and just "forget about it" but I just get so sick of being sad about this amazing thing I have growing inside of me. But what makes me even more sad, is the idea of not being with my boyfriend. He has made it very clear that there is no way he could remain with me if I choose to raise this baby because he feels it would just be a constant reminder to him that I was with someone else in that time we spent apart and he doesn't want to forever be upset with me and the child. That is totally understandable and I repect that he feels this way, I just don't know what is more important to me. I don't want to have to choose between my baby and the person that I love. Everyone tells me that if I keep the baby and he leaves I will find someone else who will love me and my baby no matter what, but that doesn't seem to help, at all. I don't want to be with anyone else. I know I am young, but I have had other boyfriends who I have said I loved, and as much as other break-ups were hard, I can't even see what a life would be like with anyone else. I know he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Besides just losing the relationship for the baby, I am pre-med and always wanted to go to med school after college. That just won't be possible when I have to be a single mother. My parents said they would help me finish school, but that many years of school will mean my son is 10 before I can step in to be the mother I want to me when I eventually plan to have children.

After reading all this it seems like the logical thing to do would be adoption, there's no way I would be the mother this baby deserves if I choose to keep the life that I had planned for me, and I am also losing the person who already means more than anything to me. But at the same time, this is my baby! Why should I be so selfish as to say "someone else take this burden from me so I can continue to live my life." That's just not fair. He is mine, I feel him every day, I now have seen him and how gorgeous he is, and I feel like no one else in this world could ever love him the way I do. I know that I would be an amazing mother to him, if I gave up everything else I was working toward. Anyone would usually describe me as very level headed and hard working and say that I have my head on straight, but since this whole thing, I haven't felt any one of those things. I love this baby and every time I think about giving him to someone else, I start crying uncontrollably. What if I end up not going to med school? What if my boyfriend and I decide to break up down the road for other reasons? I will have given this baby away for no reason at all. I just need help, I know no one can tell me "this is what you should do and this is why you should do it" because it is ultimately up to me, but someone needs to give me some sort of advice because I am falling apart and can't seem to think clearly anymore. Thanks so much.

[billysmommy]

No one can make this decision but you. My daughter was in the exact same situation as you, same age and everything. My grandaughter is now 10 months old and my daughter's boyfriend has been gone since the baby was 2 months old. Having this child is going to change you, whether you place or parent. Your boyfriend may not be able to live with the reminder of your intimacy with another man - but will you be able to live knowing that you are not with your child because of him?

When my daughter came to us with her pregnancy, the only real advice we gave her was to make her decisions based on herself only. Take the boyfriend out of the equation and what would you do? Adoption is permanent, boyfriends aren't usually. Your child is a part of you, and if your boyfriend loves you - true unconditional love - he should love your child as well.
Good Luck to you.

[quantum]

First and foremost, you need to absolutely follow what you beleive is right to do in your heart.

I think the previous poster had some VERY wise words for you! There are no guarentees (can't spell today, sorry) in life. Heck, my son's adoptive parents got divorced when he was entering his teen years!
Your boyfriend says he can't live with this reminder but that doesn't mean that what happened will just 'go away' after the baby is born and if you relinquish. Your body will be forever changed, certainly who you are on the inside is already changed.
You could start med school and hate it!
There are just so many things that can happen, or can not happen, know what I mean?

I know it's hard.

Try to think. Think about what you are feeling deep in your heart. Think about how you would feel raising your child, or having your child raised by someone else.

Even if you think adoption IS the right solution for you, please consider taking your baby home for a few days (at least) to really think about it. I didn't even get to hold my son and that's something I really am sad for.

Also think about what kind of adoption you might want to have. For me, I wasn't given any options but fully closed. I think it would have been a little easier for me to have at least a semi-open.
And get couseling. Not from an adoption agency, but from someone neutral.

Keep us informed. I wish you all the best!

[AnnaE]

Do what you feel is best for you..but also the baby. If you choose an agency like LSS, there are temporary foster homes you can place the baby in while you make up your mind for sure. You want it to be the right decision. Your child will be LOVED and well cared for. I know..I am a foster mom. God Bless. AnnaE

[JustPeachy]

I would ask myself how I would feel if I relinquished my child and then my boyfriend left anyway. I don't think you can make this decision based on the relationship you are in right now. I know you love him, etc., but I would venture to say you are taking a huge risk if you think this bf will be around forever and you would have given up a baby that you wanted to raise. Just looking at divorce stats alone, at least 50% of marriages end in divorce. And when I think of relationships I had in my teens and 20s that I thought would be forever, well, those guys are long gone, and happily so in retrospect. Sorry to put such a negative spin on this, but the fact is, you are having this baby and it sounds like you are feeling a good deal of bonding already and would really like to parent your child. Your folks are supportive and you could work on your school and career goals simulataneously. It will be hard, no doubt, but if you really aren't ready to be a parent (and there is nothing wrong or selfish in that), then make the choice to place based on THAT rather than "my boyfriend won't stay with me unless I relinquish." I think you will know better how you feel after you have your baby and get to see and hold him. You don't have to rush into any decisions, either. You can look into both adoption and parenting, maybe take your baby home for a bit and see how you adjust, and if you find it not possible to parent, you can work out an adoption plan then.

[Mil]

Hello - when I first started reading your post I thought 'oh my goodness, that could have been me writing that 35 yrs. ago! I too was 19, broke up with my long-time boyfriend, got pregnant in a much more 'casual' relationship, went back with my long-time boyfriend and then actually found out I was pregnant. I was sure the father of my baby was not someone I wanted in my life anymore. I was considering adoption and my boyfriend hung around. I loved that little baby inside me sooo much.

I think billysmom had some great advice for you. I think you shouldn't take your boyfriend into consideration in this decision at all. Boyfriends come and go. Yes, it would be hard not to have him in your life FOR A WHILE, but not having your son in your life would be FOR A LIFETIME would be a million times harder. Could you live with yourself if you gave your child up because of him? Don't make this decision about him!

I'm not saying to keep your baby or relinquish him. No one can tell you that. But I think you really want to keep him. There is no easy decision. I would NEVER want to be put in that position again! It was by far the hardest decision I ever made. BTW, I decided to place my son. But that was is another era. It wasn't the norm to keep your baby back then. It ripped my heart out. I'm now in reunion with him for the past 8 yrs. But that's me. You have your parent's support (I didn't) and therefore you actually DO have a choice.

I don't envy you this tough decision and I realize I'm just rambling as your post brought back a lot of memories. Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do. Please let us know how you're doing!

[RavenSong]

I can't really add much more than the previous posters, who have all given you valuable advice. But I do want to address the medical school aspect. You'd be surprised how many female med students are single parents. It's hard, but it is also doable.

When I was in med school back in the 1980s, there were several women in my class who juggled the responsibilities of single motherhood along with their studies. It was really hard, but hey, the whole med school trip is really hard anyway. Don't worry too much about that aspect. You'll find a way if you're really determined to become a physician. Just my two cents...

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by sweetyourock

I still love him so much. He said at the beginning that we could only be together if I had an abortion, I went along with the idea for a while but I knew there was no way in my heart I could have ever let that happen. It's a few months too late for that now, and he's still there for me, but now I'm faced the the option of adoption.

Everyday I feel this baby kicking and moving inside of me and sometimes it makes me excited and I just can't wait for this baby to come into the world so I can hold him and play with him and raise him. I got 3D ultrasound pictures the other day and he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and he still has 8 weeks to grow even more beautiful when I welcome him into the world.

My family has been more than supportive and is willing to help me finish school and raise the baby if that's what I choose to do. I really don't think that's possible to just give the baby up for adoption and just "forget about it" but I just get so sick of being sad about this amazing thing I have growing inside of me. But what makes me even more sad, is the idea of not being with my boyfriend. He has made it very clear that there is no way he could remain with me if I choose to raise this baby because he feels it would just be a constant reminder to him. I don't want to have to choose between my baby and the person that I love. I can't even see what a life would be like with anyone else.

He is mine, I feel him every day, I now have seen him and how gorgeous he is, and I feel like no one else in this world could ever love him the way I do. I love this baby and every time I think about giving him to someone else, I start crying uncontrollably.

I am sorry you are so sad, this is a time of such joy. The miracle inside, should only be feeling love, peace, and contentment. Your child does feel all you feel. Sweetheart, none of us can tell you what you should or should not do. You seem to be a very intelligent young woman, whom knows exactly what it is she wants. There is nothing stopping you from achieving ALL your dreams, and goals...except you! There are so many wise women here and can give you insight, of what they feel. I am going to try not to do that, simply because you need only to re-read your very own post. At 20, we all have found the man of our dreams. There really is no other man for us..period! Pleas re-read your post, I have attempted to leave the important parts of your own words , here above my reply. Might I suggest, when you re-read your own words, that you ask a few things of yourself? Can you honestly say "THE MAN" of your dreams would rather, that you abort a baby, simply because it is not his, and you concieved..WHILE you were split up? Can you picture "THE MAN" of your dreams...just STOP loving you simply because...you LOVE YOUR BABY? Is this REALLY what a man that LOVES you looks like? Sweetheart, I ache so badly for you today! I wish I could HUG you, and show you a crystal ball. I want you to do me a favor, I know you do not know me...but if you can...please go to the journals, and read my post ...the last 2 are of one...just read them. When you are finished reading the post, go look into the mirror...that image you see, the beautiful round tummy, when you rub it ...that baby moves, it is safe happy and in love with its mommy. Look long in the mirror, then picture yourself, where I am today, after reading my journal entry....then ask yourself, can you do to your child...what I did to my twins...and live with it? I send this with my heart being heavy, and jus remembering....if you can say, that there is ONE man worth placing your child with strangers(probably wonderful) yet still strangers...then you should do as THAT man says...and relinquish your child! The woman in that journal...gave away 2! BLESSINGS..C.J.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Sweetyourock,

Hi. I'm Janey. Welcome to the forum!!

I'd like to echo what Peachy said. Also, I can tell you from personal experience that relinquishing a child leaves a hole in the heart and the soul and that that remains there always.

I would ask you this (asked with respect and compassion).

What happens when you've relinquished your child and then time passes and the pain of relinquishment grows and you realize that you resent your boyfriend greatly for what he demanded you do? What also happens when that resentment grows?

What happens, as someone else mentioned, if he breaks up with you again and then your left not only with the loss of him but the extreme loss of your child due to him? I can only imagine that that would be a bitter pill to swallow.

(((( Sweetyourock ))) If you make this decision - which you have every right to do - then IMO, it must be a decision made for the good of only two people. You and your baby.

I will be thinking of you. Keep us posted and keep writing, okay?

Much hugs to you today!

[cetalley]

JUST WANTED TO ADD ONE LAST THING...TODAY I POSTED PICTURES OF MY TWIN SONS, IF IT WOULD HELP MAKE THINGS MORE REAL, I POSTED THEM IN "MY PHOTOS' IN cafemoms. THERE IS A GROUP I BELONG TO, THEY ARE "BIRTHMOMS" GROUP...YOU DO NOT HAVE TO JOIN TO SEE THOSE PHOTOS. MY NAME IN "BIRTHMOMS" GROUP IS : CEEJAY1...THERE IS NO GOING BACK, YOU CANNOT UNRING A BELL! BLESSINGS TO YOU, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DECIDE...JUST DECIDE IT ON WHAT YOU FEEL! C.J.

[bromanchik]

You have received some very wise words. I would like to add another thought. If you choose to place, one day, maybe in the not so distant future if you choose an open adoption, your son is going to ask you why you chose not to parent him. What will your answer be? Do you think that your son is going to think it is reason enough?

Also, someone who loves you with his whole heart would love all of you, including your son, who is a part of who you are. Love and relationships are hard enough without conditions being placed on them. Essentially your boyfriend is saying, "I will only love you if you cut your child out of your life." He is asking you to choose. Do you really want to be with a man who would ask that of you?

[taramayrn]

Adoption.com is not a matching site so if anyone contacts you hoping to adopt your baby they will risk a ban from our site. If anyone does contact you please let either myself or another mod know.

[tem0627]

Sweetyourock,

I hope I am not overstepping any bounds here... that is not my intention at all; but perhaps meeting with an adoption agency counselor may be helpful. Generally only 1 in 4 women that discuss their situation with an adoption agency choose an adoption plan. They are equipped to walk you through all of these emotions you are feeling and may be able to help you decide the best course for both you and your baby. There is no cost to you and there are some great agencies that just want to walk alongside you through this time in your life whether you ultimately choose to parent or whether you choose an adoption plan! I do not know if I can recommend an agency on here; so I won't. But, I wish you well on your journey and think it is awesome that you just want to do what is right by you and your baby!

Erica

[lovemy2boys]

I thought I posted yesterday, but must be floating somewhere out in cyberland, because I don't see it.

My best friend found herself pregnant about 7 years ago - although it wasn't intentional, she always wanted to be a mother, so it was a welcome surprise for herself and (she thought) her boyfriend.

Then he presented the dreaded "baby or me" speech. And she was heartbroken. But she loved him beyond words, and knew the two of them were meant to be together forever, so she made a tough decision, and ultimately put his feelings first.

Two years later, they were married. Happy, in love, etc. That was 5 years ago. Somewhere in the past 5 years, the feelings of resentment she tried so hard to bury came boiling to the surface...She is angry at the position that she felt he put her in, and he is angry at the "bi***" she's become.

It is such a heartbreaking situation. She constantly says "If only I could turn back the hands of time..."

Just something to think about...

[zxczxcasdasd]

Do you really want to be with a man who would ask that of you?

What she said. And whatever he says/feels/thinks, your first duty is to your child, not your boyfriend.