[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by seeking_to_adopt

To EZ2Luv and kakuehl
I think you have misread my post.
I am talking of when the baby grows up to a child 6,7,8,9,10...
Would you agree with the following?

• Almost certainly it will show traits of the father.

• IMHO it will make it harder for her to marry someone else and pursue a career.

• if they are estranged like now, she will begin to think thoughts and also tell the child, "I wish you were dead" and "you are a burden/curse to me".

-
Anil

Actually, I think we were talking about two different subjects. I was talking about the boyfriend who is insisting she place (since she didn't abort). My point was, even if she chooses adoption and they stay together, I don't think he'll be able to forget she was with someone else. She may end up losing both her child and her boyfriend.

As to your points:

• The child may well remind her of the father. That may or may not be a problem for her.
• It will certainly make her career path more difficult and may well change it. I can guarantee that everything will be different anyway, whether she parents or places.
• Just because your mother said that to you is no guarantee this woman will think or say that to her child. (IMHO, it makes it more likely that you might in the same situation, because we tend to parent as we were parented.)

You profess faith in Christ: remember that he said, "with God all things are possible."

[thanksgivingmom]

I think that's a really good point Kathy. (Re: everything being different either way).

For me, career was VERY difficult after placement because I didn't want to get off the couch. I just wanted to lay there zone out. I didn't think I deserved a good job, and then I felt guilty about doing something positive - like I was benefitting from placing Cupcake - and that didn't feel right AT ALL.

LIFE has become more difficult. In the same way as if I parented? Probably not, but believe me - it has.

I think it might actually be easier for me to have a successful relationship as a single Mom than as a first Mom! But I suppose I just haven't figured out how to navigate that path yet.....

[crick]

Seeking - While I understand you come to your views based on personal experience and I'm sorry you've endured this pain from your mother, I do want to caution you on making generalized blanket statements.

There are many single moms who have children and do not treat their children the way your mother treated you. It would be very offensive to others reading here if they saw themselves painted with such broad strokes as you are doing.

Share your experiences and personal views based on that, but please don't apply them to an entire group of people.

Thanks!

[Janeytwo]

Hey TG!

Big hugs your way this morning!

I think it might actually be easier for me to have a successful relationship as a single Mom than as a first Mom! But I suppose I just haven't figured out how to navigate that path yet

For me, I've found - even as a double surrenderer - that the two men in my personal life since relinquishment (my ex and my now-hubby) were both extremely compassionate towards me. In fact my ex-husband and I had met and were friends during the last 2 months of my pregnancy with my son. So he already knew about that - I did tell him about my daughter also. He was nothing but kind.

With my now-hubby, I had planned to tell him straight out one night while we were talking (we were about 4 months into our relationship at that point). I had borrowed some courage from Jackie (though I didn't explain to her why I needed it) and had decided to simply lay things out on the line and then IM her and have a breakdown if it backfired. LOL! That was the plan at any rate.

I figured either he'd accept me or he'd bail but I wasn't going to live my life worrying he'd find out one day. Then out of the blue while I was preparing myself for the big talk, he told me something about his life that he felt I needed to know if we were going to take things further. He said, "I figure either you'll want me or you won't but I can't live with this over my head worrying that somebody will tell you down the road".

!!!!!

So we talked with each other; shared our pain and stories and promised to never use that pain against one another in any of the fights we'd surely have downt the road.

I've found TG that men are far more forgiving than women. (Sigh....outside of my brothers but then our shared history influences their fear and pain every bit as much as it does mine. That family stuff......whooo boy!)

But, truly, the men I've loved and cared about seem to be less judgemental of what I've faced in my life. It's always been women who were the problem which is why when I first came onto this site and posted I waited for all sorts of nasty replies. Shame on me for not having more faith in the good people here. :-(


Anyhoo....As far as the two relationships themselves have gone, I was so far down in the basement in my first marraige that I spent my entire time trying to pretend I'd been from somewhere else. Shiney White Janey was in power. Part of that was ex's disease for sure....but most of it was me pushing the howling pain of relinquishment back into the edges of my mind and heart where it festered.

With now-hubby, it has been different. He listens when I talk about what it was like. And sometimes he asks how "the babes on the forum are doing" Adoption does affect us but in that I grieve more and he stands by and respects that.

((( TG ))) I understand how very hard it is to finally placed one's heart in someone else's hands and then say to them, "I have something to tell you about my life". Because then you have to wait there fearing rejection. But it's all right you know. There's lots of great guys out there. Lots of princes cleverly disguised as froggies but cute froggies! It's just we ran into some toads in our day that's all.

Love ya much!

[cetalley]

ANIL(SEEKING TO ADOPT), I have responded to another of your post, where you asked a question, and so I answered honestly. I am going to take a " leap and guess you are of an international family, and you may not be so "'in- tune" with ''our ways", and or beleifs". It seems to me, that what you are saying, is NOT meant to be for ALL women, but more so, you are seeing and speaking of you own pains and history. I will let you in on how I dealt with some of what you, also lived! First, off, I was told daily horrific , hateful, and down right mean, things...what we call mental and emtional abuse! However, in growing up and having my own child, I have NEVER REPEATED my history I had with my mother... with my son...NEVER. So in saying this to you, my intent is to show you, that what you live and survive, does NOT have to be repeated! I was also physically abused, most days spent hiding from my mom, until my father returned home, or when I had assigned chores did those and hid ......but NEVER 1 single time did I abuse my son. We are Blessed in our lives...all of us...to have CHOICE, and FREEDOM. A mother CAN, AND DOES raise children without the father...and does so quite successfully. SOME are raped, still decide to parent, and raise and love that child, as only a Mother can...doing this WITHOUT ever "SEEING" that rapist/fathers similarities in that child. So it can and is done. The OP is so torn, on the IDEA of 'THE MAN OF HER DREAMS", or keeping a child, and parenting...with this latter choice, the MAN OF HER DREAMS...will leave! So I hope this has helped you somewhat, in how most of "US" think , feel, and deal with some of these issues , here in in U.S. Blessings, keep coming to post,just try a little harder to see a bigger picture of the issues...BLESSINGS...C.J.