[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Boulderbabe,
My reponse was actually to JoshsMom about returning to school at 38! I'm glad though that you think seminary is a snap with children.

I don't think seminary is a snap with children---but I do know that seminarians don't pull 36 hour shifts or 100 hour weeks. They aren't on call. Med school is just ungodly hard.

I would simply encourage any single pregnant woman to make up her own mind as free as possible from coersion from either side.

Me, too. And I think that means having good information, and lots of it. There's just no path through parenthood that is all sunshine and roses. Placing and parenting are both really tough!!

[Janeytwo]

Kathy

I would simply encourage any single pregnant woman to make up her own mind as free as possible from coersion from either side.

Well said!!

And you are right.

IMO, perhaps the problem comes in when people confuse sharing words of wisdom and concern with getting their own agendas met. When hot-button issues like adoption and/or abortion come into play, I think it's hard to detach oneself from one's pain. I dunno....maybe that's what we're all trying to accomplish here.



On a lighter note, I am glad you went to seminary....somebody has to do it and I wouldn't want to be the one. Good grief!!!

I think degreed ministers and priests sometimes get confused with those long-haired hippy freak guys (no offense to my generation and the one before it LOL!) who mail away for ministerial licenses.

That's a far cry from degrees issued via such esteemed universities as Harvard with it's extremely tough religious/philosopcial disciplines.

I'll stay away from commenting on medical school degrees. Given what's happening with my daughter, I wouldn't have anything nice to say right now.

[bensmother]

I placed my son 6 years ago and there is not a second that goes by that I don't think of him and miss him. Be carefull that you make a decision based on what you feel is best and don't let anybody else make up your mind for you or bully you into a choice that works for them but not for you.

[Teenmom2007]

WOW. Well here's my story (brief version) So I was 16 when I got pregnant with my ex. He cared mor about smoking pot and his band and didn't want to be a father yet. Granted, we were both almost Srs in high school.
I decided to move cross country into foster care (Through LDS Family Services) and ended up from NC to UT.
Istayed with a great couple that showed me what life can really be about! My foster mom had me enrolled in school and so I was able to be pregnant and finish high school early (In Jan rther than June)
I decided I wanted a better life for my child. I wanted what I couldn't give her at the time. I have also gotton to grow and love these foster parents as my own family.
I decided to place my child with them in April 2007.
We have a really open adoption. Not all of my family members were supportive of me coming cross country to be in foster care and placing my babby for adoptin, biut I figured if I was grown up enough to have sex and get pregnant then I was grown up enough to keep making my own choices.
I'm not saying adotion is for everyone, it depends on the situation. I wanted my daughter to have two parents who could give her everything and then some. I see her all the time and its more than open.
The adoptive/foster mom pushed me to go to a college only an hour away from where they lvied where I met my husband a few months later.
Now its been two years, but a year ago 9when my daughter i placed was 1) I got pregnant with my son.
So now I have a 2 year old daughter I placed and a 9month old son with my husband.
So to say...adoption is your choice, how open it is is your choice, so the best of luck

[seeking_to_adopt]

my personal opinion is - if it is an unwanted child, it would be better for someone else to look after it - to give it up for adoption. Otherwise, you will hate your own baby and it will have a messed up adulthood. Especially when you start seeing your ex's genes in the child.
-
Anil
Olathe, KS

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by seeking_to_adopt

my personal opinion is - if it is an unwanted child, it would be better for someone else to look after it - to give it up for adoption. Otherwise, you will hate your own baby and it will have a messed up adulthood. Especially when you start seeing your ex's genes in the child.
-
Anil
Olathe, KS

I'm curious, have you ever experienced this? I do not think that this young woman is seeing her situation in such black and white terms. If she does not choose to place him, it will because she loves him and wants to do what is best for him. It is therefore NOT a forgone conclusion that she will hate him and he will have "a messed up adulthood."

[bellamalata]

Hello- My name is Dana and I want you to know there is no greater gift than a child. But there is no greater gift than an adopted child. Yes it is a hard thing to decide. I personally have been in both positions. I gave up 3 children for adoption. I was not regretful until they were grown. But being reunited with them and the joy of them and their children my grandchildren I would not traded them for anything. I assure you. You will meet another supportive man whom will love you and your child, and except your child as his own.Let this man go that wants to make you choose. He is not a real man if he thinks he can control you to the point of chosing him over your baby. He need to get lost. I know you are a grown woman but, you , to me are still someones child and abhear to me when I say this to you. Child, don't make the wrong choice and live to regret it and give up your beautiful baby for a loser of a man. He is not worth it. You will only learn to rescent him and be very regretful you gave up what God gave you. The gift of Life. You can continue your education and be a mother to your child at the same time. I will say, I am adopted and I had a mother that was selfless at the age of 15. She wanted to have an bright future and prayed I would have a mother and father by Christmas. And I was adopted a week before Christmas. I had 2 wonderful parents. What ever you chose do it for the good of your child. Do not listen to the man that is ignorant to knowing thew jopy of a child. I support your choice 100% no matter what you decide. If you would like to contact me. I would love you be there for you.

[seeking_to_adopt]

Yes, I have. My mother was married against her wishes to my father - this was India, where arranged marriages are the norm. They are still married but after I was 11 or so, she wished I was not there.

Originally Posted by kakuehl

I'm curious, have you ever experienced this? I do not think that this young woman is seeing her situation in such black and white terms. If she does not choose to place him, it will because she loves him and wants to do what is best for him. It is therefore NOT a forgone conclusion that she will hate him and he will have "a messed up adulthood."

[EZ2Luv]

seeking to adopt,
May i suggest that you read some of the bmom threads. Giving up a baby is far more painful than being able to walk out of a bad marriage. A decision of this magnatde is not as easy as you percieve it to be. Some bmoms suffer a life long agony and will tell you it is the hardest thing they have ever done.

I don't think that these bmom do not want their babies, it is more of wanting what is best for their baby. Sometimes all they need is a little encouragement and to be told they can parent and it is doable that makes all the difference in the world.

Again, I strongly suggest you seek out a little more knowledge of what these bmoms go through.

EZ

[rkirby40]

I'll be praying for you in your decision making. You have already proven the love you have for your child by choosing to carry him full term. You didn't terminate his life, you have put him first and I'm proud of you for that. IF you feel your boyfriend will be your life mate then just think about what wedding vows suggest. Doesn't it go something like--- To love HONOR and cherish in sickness and health to death do us part?

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by rkirby40

I'll be praying for you in your decision making. You have already proven the love you have for your child by choosing to carry him full term. You didn't terminate his life, you have put him first and I'm proud of you for that. IF you feel your boyfriend will be your life mate then just think about what wedding vows suggest. Doesn't it go something like--- To love HONOR and cherish in sickness and health to death do us part?

RKIRBY40, This is a seemingly intelligent, brilliant young lady, her dilemma is of simplicity, a man she FEELS is her soul mate, is basically giving her an ultimatum(sp)?...give her child away/relinquish/ hell even abort in the beginning. This is NOT the definition of ANY man in my opinion. VOWS....When we meet the person of our dreams, and do so to choose them as a life mate, we do this in excepting them as they are, with hopes and dreams of that person enhancing our lives, completing us in a way, that they will indeed stand side by side, willing us each day to be a better person. EXCEPTING them as they are! In her case they were split, she loves her baby, and he is telling her good-bye if she does not relinquish an important part of her own-self NO...he is not a MAN whom loves her...he only chooses to love her on his own terms, and insecurities. The REAL man that loves her , will love and except her and her child, as his own, vowing to cherish and support her in her goals and dreams, whether that child is his own or not...will have no bearings. rkirby, I have reread your post, and I think we are of the same opinion, so no disrespect is meant. EZ2luv, is a great person to offer her opinion, as she has lived her journey, with the label given her'adoptee", I hope the OP hears her words.....Blessings... C.J.

[kakuehl]

Cetalley, I agree with your second reading of rkirby's post. If her boyfriend can't "forgive" her for being with someone else (when they weren't together), he is not able to love her unconditionally. I fear that even if she chooses adoption, he will be unable to truly put this in the past.

[seeking_to_adopt]

To EZ2Luv and kakuehl
I think you have misread my post.
I am talking of when the baby grows up to a child 6,7,8,9,10...
Would you agree with the following?

• Almost certainly it will show traits of the father.

• IMHO it will make it harder for her to marry someone else and pursue a career.

• if they are estranged like now, she will begin to think thoughts and also tell the child, "I wish you were dead" and "you are a burden/curse to me".

-
Anil

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

seeking to adopt,
May i suggest that you read some of the bmom threads. Giving up a baby is far more painful than being able to walk out of a bad marriage. A decision of this magnatde is not as easy as you percieve it to be. Some bmoms suffer a life long agony and will tell you it is the hardest thing they have ever done.

I don't think that these bmom do not want their babies, it is more of wanting what is best for their baby. Sometimes all they need is a little encouragement and to be told they can parent and it is doable that makes all the difference in the world.

Again, I strongly suggest you seek out a little more knowledge of what these bmoms go through.

EZ

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by seeking_to_adopt

To EZ2Luv and kakuehl
I think you have misread my post.
I am talking of when the baby grows up to a child 6,7,8,9,10...
Would you agree with the following?

• Almost certainly it will show traits of the father.

• IMHO it will make it harder for her to marry someone else and pursue a career.

• if they are estranged like now, she will begin to think thoughts and also tell the child, "I wish you were dead" and "you are a burden/curse to me".

-
Anil

I'm not trying to speak on behalf of Kathy OR EZ, but I can answer these for myself.

1. Yes, the child may show traits of the birthfather. I can't argue there.

2. It will make things different, not necessarily harder. Single mothers DO still get educations and can have good jobs. Single mothers can also find great spouses. However, not all single mothers measure their value/worth in finding a spouse. I know many single Mothers (including my daughters Mom) that are content raising their children exclusively as single parents.

3. I do not agree with this statement AT ALL. I love my daughter with all my heart, and even if I had parented her, I can assure you 100% I would NEVER say those sorts of things to my daughter. EVER. No doubt, there are some people that do say those hurtful things - and I am sorry for them and ESPECIALLY sorry for their children. But to think that all women that CONSIDER adoption or don't have the support of the child's father will feel those things if they don't follow through....it's beyond untrue.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Anil,

IMHO it will make it harder for her to marry someone else......

Nutso dad told me this one when he wanted me to "get rid of" my eldest daughter. He insisted no one would marry a woman with a child. Such a woman would be "tainted" he said. Strange thing for a British male to say but there it was.

I, of course, found it to be completely false. So many people in our society are divorced with children when they meet someone new that I don't really think most people give it much thought anymore - at least I would hope not. Career-wise being a single parent is undoubtedly a struggle but people do do it.

I hope you don't mind my addressing this.

"I wish you were dead" and "you are a burden/curse to me".

I had read your first post in which you intimated having experienced this yourself from your parents. ((( Anil )))
I am so sorry that someone in your life treated you this way. (not meant pityingly but compassionately) They were wrong to do so. No parent has the right under any circumstance to say such a thing to a child.

Respectfully,