[JustCourtney]

Oh, what a difficult position he has put you in! I have been thinking of your posts for the last couple of days, and the term "unconditional love" keeps coming to mind. That is the way good and healthy love is - unconditional, and he putting a huge condition on his love for you. I can't help but wonder what else he will ask you to give up do to prove your love for him.

I also know that even if you do decide to place your child, and you don't have any contact, your child will not be gone. While he might not physically be in the room with you, he will be there. Every minute of every day. You will not forget him or why he is not there with you. I can't imagine even the best relationship surviving the kind of resentment that Lovemy2boys mentioned previously.

I think that if the ONLY reason you are considering placing is your boyfriend, you need to really consider how you would feel about your choice if he decides to leave you despite your placing for him in a year or two. Talk to your family, and look into your heart. You know it better then anyone!

[kakuehl]

The advice about talking to a counselor is good although I would not choose an adoption agency to provide the counseling. A good counselor can help you sort through your options and emotions as you seek to make this decision.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

The advice about talking to a counselor is good although I would not choose an adoption agency to provide the counseling. A good counselor can help you sort through your options and emotions as you seek to make this decision.

I agree with this as well. You need a licensed therapist, not an "adoption counselor". Did you know in many states "adoption counselors" don't even need to have a degree? In some states a BA is enough. If you need help locating a therapist pm me.

[tem0627]

I have been thinking about your post a lot for the last couple of days and had some other thoughts. The reason I suggested an adoption agency counselor is because you mentioned you considered adoption, not just because of your boyfriend (which I completely agree with the pp's that the love you deserve is a love that would not make that demand of you), but you also mentioned adoption because of your future and your desire to go to Med School.

I have not heard of adoption agency counselors that do not have degrees (not saying it isn't possible, I just haven't seen it); the Christian Adoption Agency we are most familiar with requires every counselor to have their Master's in Counseling! Just thought they may be a good place to go and work through your thoughts! They listen to you and give guidance so that you can make a decision based on you, not anybody else! If you want more info, personal message me and I will send you the generic phone number which will take you to an agency located near you!

Lastly, you said, "Why should I be so selfish as to say 'someone else take this burden from me so I can continue to live my life.' That's just not fair". You chose life for your child by not giving in to the pressure of abortion; which I personally believe to be a very selfish act. For that alone you should be commended. To the many couples hoping to adopt a child, a newborn baby is anything but a burden! They are a joy and a dream fulfilled! A gift! If you do ultimately choose an adoption plan, you are right, you will never forget your little boy. But, there are many couples that are willing to not only send you pictures and letters throughout the years, but who will also consider allowing you to see the child and have a relationship with him!

I am not trying to "push" you towards adoption, I am just trying to give you some things to consider so you see and think about both sides!

Erica

[paigeturner]

I would also like to echo many of the previous posters and recommend counseling. But as several others have said, please consider a counselor independent of an agency. Think about it, an adoption agency doesn’t have a stake in exploring the options you may have to parent your child. They don’t make any money that way!

I’ve been where you are. The decision you make is not only life altering for yourself, but for your child. Take the time to really explore all the ramifications of what you choose. Choosing to make an adoption plan for your child because you don’t think you can handle parenting and med school at the same time is not selfish. The only person being selfish here IMO is your boyfriend by pressuring you in order to keep his love. I wonder what he’ll withhold his love from you for next.

There are fantastic first moms, adoptive moms and adoptees on this forum. Continue exploring your options!

Good luck.

[digishank]

hey hun,

all i can say is listen to your heart and everything will be fine.that is the best thing.

[islandgirl1]

Sweetyourock,

You have such a supportive family and that is a blessing. If you are really bonding with your baby and your family is willing to help you, do you really want to place your baby up for adoption? Other posters have said that going through school as a single parent will be hard, but possible and I agree. If adoption is what YOU AND ONLY YOU want then get counseling and make an adoption plan. If your decision is being based, even a teeny tiny bit, about your boyfriend then ask yourself "What kind of man would make such a demand of you (to place your baby)and do you really NEED that kind of man in your life?"

This baby is part of you...can he not love this part of you? Can this man only love a CHILD if it is his biologically? Think about all the wonderful adoptive Dads out there. They've had to go through a lot of embarassing things just to be able to adopt a baby. If your boyfriend doesn't treasure the precious life you are carrying than how can he treasure you?

This post may sound harsh, but I would hate to know that I gave up something that I loved and was part of me because I wanted to keep a boyfriend that has gone away before. Would you give up your family..never to see or talk to them if your boyfriend demanded you to? If the answer is no..then why are you letting him do it with your baby?

Hugs to you

[josh1788smom]

I just wanted to add a weird irony that I see in the world. When a girl is young and pregnant and needs to finish school - emphasis is placed on how hard it will me, but then they add, but it can be done.

I am 38 years old, have 3 kids, and have mentioned that I wish I would have gone to Law School and people all try to encourage me to do it - NOW - at this stage of the game. My life is incredibly crazy and way more involved than if I were trying to finish school with one small infant child.

It amazes me, how because I am not young, and I am married, I am assumed to be able to do it - but when I was pregnant and in college - adoption was the only answer. It's such hypocrisy.

I guess what I am saying is, investigate your heart. Adoption changes families forever. You can do whatever you want and need to do. I don't think most of us actually choose our life as it is, it's a path that evolves and changes as we go along. This child can be whatever you want in that path.

Best of luck to you as you make your decision.

[kakuehl]

Umm... JoshsMom - I was 38 with 2 children (11 and 13) when I started seminary and got my M.Div. I still wonder if it was fair to my children!

[Boulderbabe]

Kathy,

I'd just pitch in that divinity school, law school, and med school are really different. I think I could handle doing divinity school with kids, because most of your work is on your own, and you can do a lot of it at home (reading, for example). Law school is more challenging, because it is a lot more demanding on your time, and people are often under pressure to take 60 hour a week internships, etc.

But med school is a whole different ball of wax, mostly because of rotations. Medical students are expected to do rotations in hospitals. These rotations can be incredibly long hours at times when child care is hard to find. A surgery rotation might have you in the hospital for 36 hours straight. An OB/GYN rotation means being on call for deliveries in the middle of the night. What do you do if you have a kindergartner asleep in the other room, and your pager goes off? You can't just say to the patient, "Oh, sorry you're having a heart attack, but I don't have a babysitter"

And after med school, there's residency. Residents pull 24-36 hour shifts, and are often on call at other times. There's now a limit of 80 hours per week for residencies, but most programs go right up to that limit. How do you parent a small child and work 80 hours per week?

I'm a single mom, so I know what the workload is like. It's great to say, "if you really want to do it, you can do it." But the brute fact is, without a lot of support, it's just nearly impossible to parent a small child and pull 80 hour work weeks when you can't work from home. I barely manage a 40 hour work week, and some weeks, I have to work less.

I'm totally in support of women who want to parent keeping their babies. I think adoption should only happen under very limited circumstances. But I wish all the people saying "keep your baby, you can still do whatever you want!" could provide a more realistic outlook for women making such a big decision. The truth is, being a parent (and particularly a single parent) means that you can't do it all. Parenting limits your options. Yes, you can juggle and sometimes manage to parent and do amazing things, but it's very, very difficult.

People making the decision to place or to parent need solid, realistic information---both about adoption, and about single parenting. A rosy picture on either side isn't very helpful. They should know the good, the bad, and the ugly about both sides before they make a decision.

[finallyamom0310]

I hope you don't mind my two cents worth but I really agree with PP in that the anger and resentment you may (most likely) feel in the future for being forced to choose is something to truely consider. Please remember that things change in life and no matter how in love you are now, you don't have the crystal ball to see your future. Choose what is best for you and your baby.

[kakuehl]

Boulderbabe,
My reponse was actually to JoshsMom about returning to school at 38! I'm glad though that you think seminary is a snap with children.

I was a senior in college when my birthson was born... I made the choice to place him for adoption because I believed it was the best thing for him. It is a decision that is personal and I still believe it was best for him. I would simply encourage any single pregnant woman to make up her own mind as free as possible from coersion from either side.

Frankly, I have a very good idea of what med school is like. I was 5 when my father graduated from med school. (I'm the oldest of 4, Mom was pregnant with the 4th when Dad graduated med school) I was not saying that I thought med school was easy with an infant or even possible. I can think of some creative possiblities to make it work! It worked for my parents only because there were two of them. Even then it was not easy living on borrowed money, trying to study with 3 children in the apartment as well as provide for them. They made decisions and choices based on what was best for them and their family. That's really all any of us can do.

[josh1788smom]

Um - I was actually making the comment on society's position in all this. People are supportive of a older, married, mother pursuing her dreams, but it is not seen that way for a younger, unmarried, pregnant girl. Why are they "dreams" just because the older is married and established. Why can't it be the dreams of the younger girl??? When she does own them and call it her dream to have the child - she is told she needs to be realistic and think what is best for her child.

I am a birthmother, and many on here know my situation, and I am sorry, I cannot sit here 20 years later and say it is at all like I pictured 20 years ago, and the differences, the prejudices, the blatant lies are what make me question all of it.

I think for a new perspective birthmother to hear that the pain of not being with your child does subside is a good thing. But I also think if she is thinking this child will think nice things about her, or it's only for 18 years and then she can know him is a load of baloney. It might work like that sometimes, but it is not a guarantee all times.

And - for the record I got my master's degree while I have 1 small child and was pregnant with my next, and no one ever acted like I was doing anything out of the ordinary - there again - the magical wedding ring - but JMHO.

[RavenSong]

Boulderbabe, a lot of teaching hospitals now offer their female residents alternative schedules to accomodate their childcare needs. They started changing the traditional residency schedules about 15 years ago... Not all university hospitals offer the alternative residency hours, but many do.

Another alternative is to delay application to med school for a few years. Go ahead and finish up premedical prerequisites and a BA or BS, and then wait until kiddo is in kindergarten. Not an ideal alternative, though, IMO.

A LOT of medical students no longer fit into the traditional mode of being between 22 and 26 years of age. Many of them are older returning students, and many of them have children.

[EZ2Luv]

I just want to chime in as an adoptee. I know ultimately the decison is yours. However, if I ever knew the reason my bmom gave me up was because of a man, I think I would be forever heartbroken especially if I knew her parents were willing to help her raise me.
Don't get me wrong, should you decide to make an adoption plan because you feel you just are unable to parent is one thing, but now that you mentioned the boyfriend, I fear he is forcing you to make a decision.

I was raised by the greatest parents in the world who I love dearly and my bmom gave me up for her own selfish reasons but that was her decision and part of her personality (she like to party). But a man, I would have a hard time forgiving her.

EZ