[mysticpenguin]

Hi.

I'm almost 20 years old and I just found out I'm about 6 weeks pregnant.

I am extremely responsible and took EVERY precaution with my boyfriend -- I was on the pill and he should have been sterile anyway. But nevertheless, what's happened has happened -- and now I have to deal with it.

I was thinking about abortion at first, I have to admit, but now as the appointment date draws closer I don't think I can do it. I feel like all of my reasons for choosing abortion over adoption are selfish and lazy. I know I'm not ready to parent and it's not a possibility anyway, for reasons expanded upon below.

I have a few questions and concerns.

1) How severe is postpartum depression for birth mothers? I'm looking for personal experiences so that I can prepare myself.

2) I am due on October 28th 2009. My boyfriend, who I'm planning to marry, is going to be at basic training for the USAF from late May to late July. After basic, he will be going to tech school in either Florida or Texas. So, I'll be planning to move down there. Should I look for adoptive parents from whichever state I wind up in? Do I have to?

3) Continuing from #2, I will be nearly 7 months pregnant at that time. If I can't get a job as a result of that, will the adoption agency try to help me?

4) I'm also debating whether I should move down to TX or FL when I'm about 4-5 months along. Will that significantly improve my chances at finding good adoptive parents? Do I even stand a chance of finding suitable parents if I wait to start interviewing until I'm almost 7 months along?

[quantum]

I don't think you'll have any problems finding adoptive parents even if you are 9 months along!
Think a lot about what you want from potential adoptive parents and what you want from the potential adoption.
You don't have to pick adoptive parents from whatever state you wind up in,but if you want to have an open adoption arrangement that includes visits, it would help!

I relinquished in 1985, it was a closed adoption (not my choice). I was told to 'forget about it' and 'get on with your life'. I did get on with my life of sorts, but never forgot. I fought with pretty bad depression for quite some years but I think it was more about relinquishing and not being able to talk about it then post partum depression.
PPD varies according to the mother, whether you relinquish or not. I think it's really good to get counseling before and after.

My personal experience, I never really regretted relinquishing my son, but, especially in the past two years that we've been reunited, I've had a lot of sadness around what I've missed with him. I'm also finally raising kids of my own, so I'm sure that has a bit to do with it.

I think it's also important to look into parenting as an option. You may come to the same conclusions that you aren't ready, but as adoption is a permanent solution to perhaps temporary circumstances it's worth exploring.

Good luck on your quest for answers. Ask a lot of questions! We'll try to support you the best we can.

[thanksgivingmom]

Welcome Mystic.

The very first thing I want to point out is that we're NOT a matching site and if anyone contacts you re: adopting your baby to please let me or another Mod know.

Now that that's out of the way: Congratulations on your pregnancy! You're still very early on, so it's great you're asking so many questions and exploring all your options (including adoption and parenting).

Postpartum depression varies. I don't believe I experienced postpartum depression, but think that any depression I experienced was due to placement, not biological changes/postpartum.

As far as finding "suitable" parents - you can ABSOLUTELY find great parents at 7 months along! You can find wonderful parents AFTER the birth of your child if you choose.

If you decide to place your child for adoption, have you thought about what kind of adoption you would like? That decision may impact how close you want to live to the family. My daughter and I are in an open adoption, so I see her and her Mom about twice a year and we email updates and pictures. We live fairly close, which makes the visits easier to schedule and more doable (affordable, etc).

The best advice I can give you right now is to take your time, explore all of your options, and learn as much about adoption as possible before making final plans. You'll find some great advice here. Best of luck to you!

[taramayrn]

I just wanted to say that post partum depression and the grief experienced by a woman who places her child for adoption are two different things. PPD is not inevitable for those who chose adoption, but it can be something they experience.

[dklevy]

I didn't experience PPD but I have missed SE every day since her I left her at the hospital. I don't regret her adoption but it's a loss unlike the abortion you are or were planning would be. I am pro-chioce but personally could not choose that option. If you have ruled that out, then take the time to figure out what you and your boyfriend truly want to do. If you are not in agreement then besides the impact of either abortion, adoption or parenting itself, you'll have issues between the two of you as well.

I didn't tell anyone what I was concidering until I had made up my mind. I didn't have a place like this to help with any of the options. Six weeks is so early on. Take the time you need to figure out what is best. Read postings from all sides and see if that helps. If you chose adoption, it'll affect you just as much as choosing to parent. Some ways good, some bad.

[GTL]

Hi there-
I know the thought of adoption can be very scary. Postpartum depression can happen to any pregnant woman, but not all go through it. What you are more likely to have is a sense of loss and depression which is a little different. About your location when you have your baby... It doesn't make any difference. There are families all over the U.S that would love to adopt and will travel to you.

[bromanchik]

I want to reiterate about exploring allyour options. Most adoption agencies (by their own admission) only do adoption counseling. You want to go to an unbiased therapist that will help you explore both options. Also research the internet. If you need referrals for websites pm me.

Also, those that are saying that you may not experience PPD are right, not everyone does. However, you may experience a trauma reaction and you will grieve. Losing a child placed for adoption involves a complicated, life-long grieving process. Personally speaking, it has been the hardest loss I have ever faced.

[rahulsey]

I gave my little girl up for adoption 8 years ago - its never easy. It was the best desision none the less. It never gets easy but I have a wonderful open adoption and could see her anytime I want. I would love to talk with you if you need to talk. My email is rahulsey@aol.com

[tem0627]

I just wanted to respond to your last two questions.

#3, yes there are some adoption agencies that will help you with some of your finances, medical and potentially a place to live while you are pregnant. They can also help with clothing, food, and if you choose to parent, resources afterwards, etc.

#4, The Christian Adoption Agency we are most familiar with does not even show profiles to birthmom's until about 6-8 weeks prior to their due date. This is to make sure the birthmom is choosing an adoption plan for the right reasons and also to ease some of the emotional waiting time for the adoptive parents.

If you would like more information, please feel free to Personal Message me.

Erica

[bensmother]

The sadness that you will experience will lessen as time passes but you will most likely always miss your child.
I placed my child six years ago and miss him daily.

Many adoption agencies will assist you with the things that you need, and there is no time limit as far as how far along you are, I didn't even contact an agency until after I delivered my son and he was placed by the time I left the hospital.

If you choose to have an open adoption I would reccommend finding an agency that is in the state where you will be living so that you will be closer to your child, however even then there is no guarantee that the adoptive parents will live in the same place forever, so its really up to you. The most important part is that you trust the people that are helping you through this.

On a more personal note, if this is the man that you are planning to marry you may want to consider raising your child. I have a daughter now that I am raising and I feel guilty every day that I have her but gave up my son (even though there was no way that I could have given him a good life) but those feelings come. And I'm afraid of the day when he asks me why I kept her and not him.
Make sure that this is the right choice for choice that is best for you and your child.

[cetalley]

Mystic penguin, A word of caution...if you except ANY aid from an agency/lawyer/facilitator/SOCIAL WORKER... please do so with the knowing it can be held over your head if , you decide to keep your baby and parent. I know it can for a fact, and regret this with every fiber in my marrow. Please, make NO decisions until you meet your new born child, and spend time..sometimes, that is all we have...TIME! Blessings, C.J.

[startedover]

Although I don't generally post on this site, I did want you to know that when we adopted we did not even know that Open adoption exsisted. So on the chance that you did not know that, I wanted you to make sure you research it also. My prayers are with you.

[FauxClaud]

Do TONS of your own research first before even calling an agency or speak to any adoption professionals. This cannot be stressed enough.

Other birthmothers- the ones just living through it, the ones who have lived their whole lives, the ones who have reunited with their child, the ones with successful open adoptionns and the ones whom have found that they have closed.. find them and listen, find us online, and read what we all live.

You want to talk to adoptees who have had good experinces and those who feel bad about being adopted. Anyone of them could be speaking for your child in 25-30years. You wnt to know what your chid can face from a life adopted and decide if that is something you want for you child.

And remember this.. no matter how inconvienent and unplanned this pregnancy is; if you have this child you will be a mother. No matter how logical a plan, your homones will not listen. No matter what you decide, your body and soul will change. No matter what, if you have a baby, then your life will change.

You can choose to live as a mother and I will guarentee you that you will have to face challanges, and hard times and stress, and all the love and wonder it brings. Or you can choose to the uncertaintity of life as a birthmother and I will guarentee that you will have to face challanges and hard times and stress, and loss, tears and some struggle to find a sembelance of peace.

Goggle is your new best friend.
Google for birthmothers..find our blogs.
Google for adoptees.. learn of their plights.
Google for the National Council of Adoption and learn about the industry.
Google for the research of the long term affect of relinquishment.

Don't try to make a decision until you have ALL the facts.

[JustPeachy]

While I agree that it is important to research, research, research, and have all your facts and options, I would also caution to take a lot of what is on the net with a grain of salt. Before coming to this board, I came across a number of anti-adoption websites that I found completely off base. I'm a birthmom and my experiences have never been anywhere near what some people on these sites claim a birthmom's experience is, not to mention they will have you convinced that your child will be completely messed up for life if you make an adoption plan (FWIW, my son is well-adusted and successful, and although I don't know yet if he has "issues" from being adopted, I feel certain he'd have lots of issues if he was raised in the circumstances I was in when I had him). And even a lot of the research and articles that have been professionally published which discuss birthmother grief paint a picture that is much more extreme than what has been my experience. It is very confusing because there is really no way to know how adoption will affect you or your child over the course of a lifetime and everyone handles their emotions and pain/grief differently. It is very difficult to relinquish a child, no question. It is also very difficult to raise a child if you are not in a place to do so. Ultimately, you have to do what feels most right for both you and your child, despite what anyone else's experience is or has been, and it takes a lot of soul searching and must be based on what you feel YOU can handle. It was probably the hardest decision I ever had to make, and the most difficult, but in my case, I still believe it was the right choice given my circumstances at that time.

[cetalley]

I do agree with justpeachy, in the way there are many web site, that are anti abotion, thankfully A.com is neither pro nor anti...therefor you are able to get views from ALL side. However, I also feel fauxclaud, is on the money...it is seemingly more rare to find, that first/natural/birthmoms, are still happy with their decisions to relinquish. Having said that, "we" seem to forget , this is about an innocent newborn infant. This innocent newborn infant, grows knowing the love and bond he/she, has developed over a 9 month period. That child was not gifted to us to turn around and relinquish. This is about the CHILD. The child eventually, GODS will, will grow into an adult, and while doing so, will most likely have issues..on SOME level, with thier adoption. Not due to THEIR own fault..cause remember that child was given NO choice. So, also be weiry of anyone whom says, they still feel they did the right thing by relinquishing, and especially those whom state their child REALLY has had NO issues from it. The only one whom can and will ever know is that person relinquished. It is not likely that person , will ever say " I have hated YOUR decision to allow other people(strangers) to raise me!" This will not be the case...(IMHO), This person will have almost ALWAYS have felt different from the rest of the family , they were forced to bond and eventually love and trust. P[lease be careful, with this decision, for it WILL impact the rest of your life. Anyone whom says differently is not being honest with theirselves. Again this is not about 'us' it is about changing an nnocent childs life...FOREVER. Talk, love, and enjoy that baby, it is dependent upon you for now, meet, hold, then if you feel it is the ONLY way..say good-bye. You are the one whom will ultimately live by your choice...the child , will, actually LIVE that choice...Blessings...CJ.