[seeking_to_adopt]

even though we are looking to adopt, I would recommend that if you marry him, do not give up the baby for adoption. It will all work out in the end

[EZ2Luv]

I have to agree with JustPeachy and Cetalley, There are some sites that are millitant anti adoption and extreme. They scared the bejesus out of me accusing me of being an adoptee in denial or condition by my aparents. While keeping a mother and child and families in tact is always best, if you feel in your heart that you cannot parent, I can assure you there are some well balanced adoptees that grew up with tons of love in good homes. There is always open adoption too. Just make certain you know what you want and are able to taloir make your adoption plan. Another option that I feel is the best is to take baby home and take some time before jumping into a plan. A decision of this magnitude should not be rushed and a few days after birth IMHO is too soon to be signing papers especially if you are not 110% certain, even then it is OK to change your mind and parent.

EZ

[aspenhall]

The only reason to place a child for adoption (IMHO) is if you Sincerely, Truly and Honestly, DO NOT WISH TO BE A PARENT. Not that you're afraid to, but that you don't WISH IT.

Bmoms I know IRL who have felt this way when they placed, have had little grief over their choice.

If you have the desire to parent, there is a way to make it possible. Sure it'll be hard. Parenting is always hard at some point.

Don't base your decision (either way) from FEAR. Take a look at what you really want and then ask for help to make it happen that way.

And there's no expiration on making an adoption plan. My dd's first mom was able to parent her until she was 3 1/2 yrs old. Then she simply couldn't do it anymore. (She has pretty bad emotional issues)

My dd gets that time and those memories with her bmom, bmom gets the same and gets to back away when it was too much, I get a wonderful daughter and a loving relationship with her bmom.

I really believe our situation has been WIN/WIN/WIN. Sure there's some loss on all sides as well, but overall we all got what we needed most.

I am probably one of the only aparents out there who has such a limited approval of adoption....but I think that's the only really stable reason for placing a child for adoption.

[RavenSong]

Aspenhall, great post...you've summed it up very well. I placed my son for adoption for all the "wrong" reasons that you've listed, fear being the biggest one. Sometimes I think the depth of my subsequent grief has a lot to do with how very much I wanted to raise him and parent him.

[aspenhall]

Thank You.

I've seen HORRID parents who were chose to be parents because of society or other pressures. I've seen birthparents with a regret for the situation they found themselves in, but who are 100% ok with having placed (as their decision). I've seen the MOST bparent's grief is the heaviest when they wanted to parent, but either felt unable, or feared it or were tricked into placing.

Placing from FEAR of being a parent isn't a good reason either.

Where there's a will there's a way. Pretty much sums it up. No matter what you want, there's a way to make it happen. It may take time and effort, but anything is possible if you want it badly enough to do anything for it. I would never presume to tell another woman she should place or keep her child. I just want people to know there's no "normal" "standard" of placing. It's all what fits your needs best.

My dd was placed as an older child in a private adoption.
My dd doesn't feel rejected in the least (now), (even though it was classic textbook "she's naughty, I don't want her" reasons that were given). She understands emotional trauma and issues regarding abuse. She recognizes that being loved with her bmoms WHOLE HEART means actually very little evidence of her love and nearly no contact....because her bmom's heart simply isn't whole. She understands she may never get the closeness in their relationship that one would have with a mother. And she knows that S knew this, and placed her for that reason. Because she wanted A to be raised by parents who could do the job that she simply couldn't. It was too painful for her to have a mother/child relationship. So she loves her as best she can from far away...where she is comfortable and peaceful.

I would welcome more contact personally. But this is ok too. I am letting her have full control over contact because her emotional well being is more fragile than my daughter's. Sometimes it's a solid year in-between contact, other times, it's daily for months on end.

I have hours and hours of video, but even that is too much. A few pics and some newsy updates every once in a while is all she can accept.

I really wish society could understand and support a woman's decision NOT to be a parent (this way). I know most her issues probably come from feeling like she is a bad mom for giving away her child....and that she should feel ashamed of her decision. I say, it's amazing that she made the choice she did. No one should feel obligated to be a parent. No child should be raised to feel they were a inescabable burden. Better to say, I'm not currently cut out for this job. Than to fake it for years and years to the detriment of the child. (my own personal childhood experience).

This being said, EVERY pregnancy since my dd was placed, I fervently hope that this time she'll have healed enough to do the job. So far after 6 kids, I've bee wrong. But it still breaks my heart for her everytime, knowing she's still in so much pain from her own traumatic past and lacking the real emotional support to make it work.

She is a great mom to infants, even to young toddlers, but once they have opinions and need a deeper connection with you, it's all too much to handle.

[Janeytwo]

Where there's a will there's a way. Pretty much sums it up. No matter what you want, there's a way to make it happen. It may take time and effort, but anything is possible if you want it badly enough to do anything for it.

I think I understand what Aspenhall is saying here in that she's asking people to extend compassion toward young girls who choose to raise their children in financially difficult times. At least that is how I am reading this. I don't often hear that said here and I think it's very kind. Society

On the concept of "will" itself though. There is a flipside to "where there's a will there's a way".

Because it takes a tremendous amount of will for a young girl to realize that she is not in any position to be a mother. It takes a will of sheer iron to act on that knowledge and do what she knows is right. For me, it was an understanding that encompassed my heart, mind and soul. And I would guess - though I'm only speaking from my point of view here - that for other women like myself it was the same.

I've come to believe that sometimes people see adoption as a purely selfish act on the part of the birthmother; that it was simply easier for her to let go. (Not meant toward Aspenhall's post - just an observation).

But there are cases where keeping a child in a situation a person knows would be detrimental to the child's welfare......THAT is a purely selfish act.

I am not saying that birthmothers are heroines. However, there are circumstances where adoption is the right decision.

[kakuehl]

My Bson told me after we'd been in reunion for a while that he thought I'd made the right decision. (I wasn't sure whether to feel good or bad about that! LOL) I grew up with parents who loved me dearly but my mother was good at letting me know I wasn't exactly welcome. (I hadn't fit into their plans.) When I was pregnant with D, I wanted him to have parents who were definitely ready and wanting to parent, who would greet his entrance into their lives ONLY with joy. I have always loved my firstborn very much and it is incredibly good to have him in my life (36 years later).

As the others have said, recognize that adoption is a life sentence. It will change you in ways you won't anticipate. That said, life can still be good; just don't think that you will place and simply go on with your life.

[aspenhall]

The "will/way" works for both situations. If you have a specific set of ideas about parenting there's a way, and if you have a specific set of ideas regarding how the adoption should go, there's a way there as well.

Basically don't let anyone (like an agency or your friends) tell you you can't do it. And this applies to career, grades, everything.

Someone somewhere will know/have something that will help you achieve whatever goal you set for yourself.

If you feel strongly about something, then stay true to that goal. Opportunities will open up and come your way. It may be a little wait, and a little work, and a little sacrifice, but you can make your goals happen.

I was referring to both parenting AND placing. Too often I hear bmoms get fearful of their approaching due date, as if their choice expires once the baby is born. I say, take your time, make sure it's the right choice. You can always change your mind about parenting. Adoption is forever.

As bad as birthparents have felt when they change their mind and it's too late, there is also much grief on the aparents end, having bonded with the baby and being unable to part with the child and knowing that it is causing the birthparents unending, extreme grief.

I couldn't be part of an adoption, where I felt the birthparents weren't sure of their decision. Because I don't think I could give the baby back, and I couldn't live with myself knowing how much grief I was causing the birth parents by not reversing the adoption. I would forever hate myself.

That to me would be the exact definition of Hell. So, in a way it's self-serving for me to advise Emoms to choose carefully and confidently. It just saves grief all the way around.

I think Kathy, that your birthson was validating your choices. At the time, all your hopes and dreams of what the adoption would be for him and the reasons for placing for you, were accomplished just as you'd hoped (according to his opinion).

I think he was simply saying "good job, mission accomplished" more or less. I don't think he meant to minimize the grief or loss aspect. I also don't think he meant to say, "you're right, life with you wouldn't have been great".

I know my dd would likely tell her bmom the same thing. Because what she wanted for my dd's life couldn't have been done by anyone but us. Not that she wouldn't have loved life with her bmom, it just would have been MUCH different, and she wouldn't have the right tools to overcome her very unique challenges. It's so funny because the issues she has match up perfectly with our families strengths. And our particular unique tools.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Aspenhall,

As bad as birthparents have felt when they change their mind and it's too late, there is also much grief on the aparents end, having bonded with the baby and being unable to part with the child and knowing that it is causing the birthparents unending, extreme grief.

Well said!

It would be so.....well...maybe "wonderful" isn't the right word, but so much more peaceful if everyone on all sides didn't have to live under the shadow of guilt adoption seems to bring with it.

Every once in a while I've seen animosity displayed in here towards aparents simply because they are aparents. I've never been comfortable with that.

My children's parents were not in any way responsible for the road I had to travel and to the places that road would lead. I have never seen them as people who profited from my loss.

Hugs to ya!

[cetalley]

It is so refreshing to come upon someone with your compassion. It is much calming for me to read how morals and values, is alive and well, in todays society. I wish, and am sure, there were more parents , such as yourself and DH. I am proud to read from this post, but still cannot express enough, that no matter 'our" decisions, this will, in some way impact an innocent child, whom will inevevablly carry questions, to some degree, with them for life. If when a young mother to be , could just take the time to meet and greet, then spend time with their child, with having all the wise advice, such as from this board/forum, then maybe we would get a better understanding, of what we will place inside the soul of an innocent child. I have read over and over again, how so many of "us' did what we had to do, or even what "we' did was the right decision. I am not by any means saying that when 'we' say this we are lying, or in denial. But 'we" must acknowledge, that what "we' did in reality, is place emotional turmoil into an innocent child..no if, and , or buts...we did. Do all children relinquished grow up with irreprablre damage...absolutely not. However they were forced into a life, they had no choice, even in the best of circumstances,they, inside , at one time or another...are forced to ask themselves...WHY? No person should have to spend their lives, wondering this. I have no brilliant magical answer, but do know in my situation, my twins, have spent a good many days wondering, what kind of mother could place two identical little infants, into strangers arms, to live with forever? Sadly I can , and will never, be able to explain...the reasons, and unlike ASPENHALL, their parents, were not honorable, and indeed were deceitful. I could never tell them this...never. For regardless of how immorral their parents were/ are, they have a good life! End result, their life will always have a huge question mark....and I cannot give them the knowledge they will need to make that go away. So kudos to ASPEHALL, and ALL the many Moms out there, that are silent, and wish no thanks...Blessings...C.J.

[cetalley]

Sorry, one last thing...MYSTIC PENGUIN, where are you, I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings. Please come update us, after all this is about your baby, and you...no one else. Come talk, we will listen, just as well as give thoughts. Please take care of yourself, YOU WILL know, Blessings, C.J.

[aspenhall]

CJ, first, THANK YOU!!! You are too kind!

Second....It isn't only children placed for adoption that wonder HOW??? and WHY??? especially when the family is dysfunctional and abusive. I know I wondered that my entire life. And the only answer I can come up with is that someone else wouldn't have been strong enough to handle it, and I could. I am not without scars and emotional sore spots, but I didn't self-destruct. Be greatful that your daughters have a 2nd family out there who loves them. Also, remember that parenting changes people fundamentally in a lot of cases. It sure shows you what you're made of! I really do believe that we are allowed to travel through adversity in order to gain strength and character. I wonder how compassionate I would be if I hadn't had the childhood I did? I see traits in myself that I know bloomed and took root because of injustices I faced.

I'm greatful to be able to help answer my own daughter's "Why?"s and "How?"s. And I think there is ALWAYS those questions, bio or adoptive makes no difference.

All children whether born to their families or adopted in later, have NO CHOICE in the matter, theoretically...all must deal with the lot they are given in life. The only difference is how many others were involved in the decision process. And as always, God is at the head. He is the Great Father of us all. If it were truly the wrong decision, He would have made sure you felt it in your heart everytime you went to move forward with your choice.

And I actually believe that most of us DID get to choose our families. I feel very strongly that we likely knew each other before birth, and that we were aware of some of the trials we would be facing.

One of my favorite songs that really testifies of God's hand in our lives is "Consider the Lilies" ....The last verse specifically talks about suffering children. It has comforted me many times.

Here is the Composer's own words
Writing Consider the Lilies

And here is a video of a version of the song on You Tube
YouTube - Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Consider The Lilies

[mysticpenguin]

I feel like this may be a mistake to post.

Please, know that my decision has already caused me an unimaginable amount of pain, and so judgements and reprimands are entirely unnecessary. I have learned my lesson.

Despite starting to feel a strong desire to parent -- despite feeling all along that I wanted to give birth to this baby -- despite the fact that every time my bf and I talked about parenting I felt my heart soaring -- I had an abortion on March 6, 2009, 6 weeks ago today.

I can't explain why I did what I did. When I woke up that morning it was like I was on autopilot; I don't remember having a single thought or emotion or anything. I went to the clinic, at the time I guess I thought to get the counseling since they advertise it so proudly, but once I was there they just assured me that abortion was the right decision, that I would be doing a good and moral and wise thing, and I just...went along with it. I am beyond ashamed, and I cannot get over my immense feelings of guilt.

I still cry at least once a day; I still have nightmares; I still have dreams about my baby... I can't believe I did what I did. And I'm so sorry to all of you -- for all of your losses, for all of your pain, and that I let you give me advice and feedback and information and didn't even tell you what happened until now.

[kakuehl]

My dear mysticpenguin,
Thank you for updating your story. If you have not gotten counseling, please do so. (Not from that clinic!) You are in the midst of grief over your loss and the baby's loss. You need healing. Please know this, what you have done is forgiveable. Perhaps your hardest job is to forgive yourself. I pray that you will experience peace. Please feel free to pm me.

[EZ2Luv]

Oh Sweetie, You owe none of us any apologies. Please try and be kind to yourself. What is done is done and you cannot change that, but you need to give yourself permission to grieve this loss. Please seek out a counselor and as PP says not from that place.
Just know that God forgives you, and you have to forgive yourself. I will be praying for you.

EZ