[PollyPocket]

Hello, I am 7.5 months pregnant and have decided I will give my baby up for adoption with the support of my fiancé.

We've been dating for five years and this is our first pregnancy. Sadly, it couldn't have come at a worse time, as we're both just starting the transition to the working world in May.

While we love this child with all of our hearts, we know we can't provide for her at this time and are interested in finding a home where they will love and cherish her as much as we do.

Will we have a hard time finding a family who is interested in adopting from us? We're both educated and come from strong families.

We have been reading about open adoption and we're interested in learning more about that as well, however, we've only got about six weeks left of our pregnancy and we wonder if we've waited to long.

I've considered picking up the Yellow Pages and calling an agency, but I wondered if that was the best option. Is it better to work with an agency that has a stronger web footprint? Do you have to work with an agency at all?

Any advice you can offer regarding your experience would be helpful. I've done quite a bit of research and I understand the gravity of my decision, however I feel this is the best decision for the three of us at this time.

Thank you in advance for your help.

[kelceesmom]

Please remember we are not a matching site. If you are solicited at all pm a moderator and advise them of this.

[quantum]

It's not too late for anything.
I would encourage you to look at all options.
Please remember that adoption is a permanent solution to temporary circumstances.
If it is at all possible to parent, and if you have any desire to do so, please explore that option.

Otherwise, I don't think you'd have ANY problems finding someone to adopt your child. There are agencies, and there are private adoption options. Remember that open adoptions aren't legally enforcable in most states, although personally, I wish I'd had that option!
I strongly encourage counseling. NOT from an agency. Just so that you can get some idea of how relinquishing your child can affect you.

I relinquished in 1985, I was told it was best for everyone, I was told to move on, forget about it, go on with life. I didn't of course. I reunited with my son 2 years ago. Even though he's had a good life, even though it probably was the right thing for me, I regret the years I didn't have with him and I regret the fact that I will never have the sort of relationship with him that I have with my other kids.

I encourage you to really look at your reasons for relinquishing. If it's financial, how dire is your situation? Is family willing to help out until you guys get on your feet? Breastfeeding is a free way to feed a child in the beginning, a baby doesn't care if they are wearing hand-me downs or second hand clothing. Just things to think about.

How would you and your fiancé feel down the road when you have more children, knowing that their older sibling is living with a different family?

I'm not saying that adoption is NOT the right choice for YOU. It might very well be!

Please continue to post! Ask loads of questions! The younger ladies here have a lot more information on open adoptions and options for that.
Good luck in your decision!

[bromanchik]

Please know that there is never a good time to have a baby. And I need to reiterate that adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. A year from now you will have graduated and hopefully have permanent employment. Have you looked at parenting options?

Losing a child to adoption is a devistating loss and can derail your life in ways that are unexpected. The changes can be deeply scarring. And it can also effect the relationships you have, including that of your fiance' and future children. Please read these boards, see how woman have been effected, how adoptees have been effected. Adoption should always be the last option for a pregnant woman.

[BMTexas]

I urge you and your fiance' to please wait until you have that baby in your arms before you decide to give her up.
I gave my first born up when I was 21. I didn't have a fiance' or anyone who was willing to help me. I could have gone to my mom's but she was not living the kind of life that would have encouraged a baby. I wished I had someone to talk to who would have encouraged me to keep my baby. But no one did.

My bdaughter is now 20 and will be 21 in June. I called her parents a couple of years ago but we did not have a good conversation. I called them yesterday and I had a good long discussion w/the Mom. My bdaughter hasn't called me or written because she is not ready to let me into her life just yet. You see, there is no promise that
this child will ever come into your life again. Are you ready to live w/that?

Myself, I've written my bdaughter a letter. I first asked her mom if it was o.k. She said it was.

I had an open adoption with my aparents. I didn't get many pictures over the years. I would get a letter if I wrote one, but when she was about 16 they stopped writing me back. I was scared to call but I did when she
was 18. I was worried about her. Finally, they agreed to let me write her at age 20.

BMTEXAS,
birthmother to one,
mother to five

[PollyPocket]

Thank you all for your replies. This is something we've thought about a great deal and we're moving forward at this point.

I guess I've come to the wrong place, as I asked some pretty specific questions and got very few replies related to those questions.

Can someone direct me to a place where I can speak to someone interested in answering the questions I have posted?

[Rondidondi]

I don't think any of the previous comments meant to upset you. They just really wanted to stress the impact adoption will have on you for the rest of your life.
They wanted to stress that you look into ALL your options, not just adoption at this point. I don't think that can be stressed enough.
I would go through an agency, BUT I would also get unbiased counseling. I would look in to open adoption AND look into all the option available if you decide to parent. Prepare yourself for BOTH life changing situations.
While looking into open adoption find out if your state offers legally binding contracts. You wouldn't want to expect pictures every 3 months only to be let down and the aparents decide not to send them.

Will we have a hard time finding a family who is interested in adopting from us? We're both educated and come from strong families

I don't think this should be a worry. There are tons of people out there that would love to have any child. I think you should be more concerned about what type of people you may want to raise your child. Start thinking, making a list of how you would like your child raised. Any religious preferences..would you like your child to be raised by artistic or sporty parents. Run through everything that is important to you and your fiance. When my son was at the paparents home I kept thinking about them feeding him meat. I'm vegetarian and for the first time I was unhappy that my beliefs were not going to be the way my son was raised. I was hit with many other feelings that I had never thought about prior to birth. (In the end I parented. I'm raising my son, he's two now and I can't believe what I almost did.)
I also don't think it can be stressed enough to make sure you say, "hello" to your baby before you say, "good-bye." Spend time with her/him before you sign on the line.
This IS the best spot to post your questions. These lady ARE here to help you. That's why they have all stressed the MAJOR impact this will have on your life. I think so many of them would not have choosen adoption...if only they had known what they know now. Please do come back here for support...you will find it!

[islandgirl1]

Hi,

You have not waited too long to make your decision, you still have plenty of time to decide if this is what you and your fiance really what to do. If you do want to go ahead with an adoption there are many options for you.
Adoption agency, adoption attorneys, churches etc.
They all can help with finding the right family for you and your daughter.

I didn't use an agency. I met our birthmother while I was shopping. If you know a family that you would like to see raise your daughter, then don't be shy about asking them if they are interest in adopting.

Open adoption is not legally binding, but if you have a good, open and honest relationship with the adoptive parents then you shouldn't have much to worry about. Our open adoption has worked out wonderfully for us. Our birthmother is part of our family and we have been truly blessed. We hang out together, go to Disney World together, go watch our son at Tae Kwon Do together. Our relationship is not just about exchanging pictures X amount of times per year. It's based on friendship, love, respect and our son. And because of our relationship, she has not had a difficult time with her decision to place our son (he is 8 years old now) with us. If you want, PM me and I will get in touch with our birthmother (she's a member here) and she can tell you more about our relationship and open adoption from her point of view (because I can go on and on) or I can tell you more about how we did it and how we came to the decisions that made it work for us.

[PhoenixRising09]

I would like to add my thoughts on this and I do not want you to think that I am trying to disuade you from your decision. I am only speaking from the truth of MY situation and mine only. From what I have read, most of the opinions here are from mothers who have walked in your shoes and serve as a warning, if nothing else that once you have your child, you are going to feel different than you do now. Giving your child up is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem.

As a mother who lost her son to an "open adoption", I know full well the repercussions of thinking that an "open adoption" is going to be in the best interest of all involved. Alot of the time, mothers such as myself get lured into believing they will be recieving ongoing correspondence and pictures of our children, only to be cut off when the adopters see it does not suit them or their needs any longer, for whatever reasons.

Once you give your child up there is no turning back. You are in for a lifetime of greif and regret, especially if the people that you entrust to raise your child cut you out of the picture and begin to treat you like an unwelcome intruder. That was devastaing for me and it still is.

I found my son several months ago, but his adopters have convinced him that "god put him where he needed to be". He looked me right in the face and said this to me, after I told him I regretted my decision to give him up.

Finding your child after they are of age does not gurarentee that they will be open to having you in their lives, or care for your reasons for placing them for adoption, as I always hoped for my child. Like a poster before me said, you will need to prepare yourself for the reality that they will quite possibly want nothing to do with you, beyond satisfying their curiosity about who you are and what you look like. These are all things that I DID not take into consideration and I will regret that until my dying day.

IslandGirl: How wonderful that you honor your childs mother and include her in your lives. Unfortunately, it doesn't work out that way for alot of us. We get cast aside and forgotten by the very people we trusted. To live with that every day is almost too much to bear...

[bethy724]

I'm sorry your questions could not be answered at this site.

I commend you for coming up with a solution w/ your childs father for your child. I'm sure you are intellegent & gave it a lot of thought & major heartache & WELL AWARE that you can parent your child.

I can't give advise on agency vs. private atty. but I am sorry you got other peoples (valid) heart wrenching stories when you asked an intellegent question-the poster sounds very committed to her decision & should be respected for it.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Polly-Pocket,

If you are looking for help with adoption, I would strongly suggest contacting an agency offering psychological support for you in making this decision.

It is my understanding that no one can give you the name of any agencies outright as that is a violation of the rules of this forum.

I will say that I looked for help in this regard by consulting the yellow pages under adoption and went with an well-established agency which also had a reputation for charitable works within the community. I would recommend strongly that anywhere you go have extensive counseling for birthmothers. If they don't, you would do well to avoid them at all costs.

I hope this helps and wish you well in what is a very hard time.

Respectfully,

[Cortneycakes]

Hi Polly,

My name is Cortney and I would like to welcome you to the threads. I am sorry some of the replys made you uncomfortable but I know that many here are very familiar with the process and are only speaking from their own experiences. They are all very caring and mean well.

As for me, My husband and I have only began to seek out the adoption journey after a long battle with fertility treatments that have still left us childless. I do not have much experience with the adoption process but I do know, that it is not to late for you to find a very loving family for your beautiful baby girl. There are many couples out there ready with open arms to accept any child into their homes. As for working with an agency, there is nothing out there that says you must work with an agency. You are more then welcome to pursue a private adoption if there is a family you already have in mind. My Husband and I just were going to adopt a baby girl due in June. She was my best friends little sister. The Birth Mom just recently decided she would like to parent her baby girl, and we couldnt be happier for her. There are so many choices out there when it comes to adoption. I encourage you to take your time and talk to whom ever you may need to so you feel comfortable with whom ever you decided to place your daughter with. If you ever need to talk please feel free to PM me. Like I said i am far from being experienced with adoption but I can always be a good friend and a listening ear. Know that i am praying for you, your husband and your baby girl and also praying for your adoption situation. Sending hugs your way,

Cortney

[rd200]

Hi, i Private messaged you and hopefully answered some of your questions about adoption. Rach

[RavenSong]

PollyPocket, it sounds like you and your boyfriend have made the decision to place your baby for adoption. As you most likely already know, this will probably be the most important decision you will ever have to make in life. I think that some of the previous posters just want you to really be sure that this is what you want.

Personally, I advise going through an established, fully licensed adoption agency. I recommend using an agency in case your adoption plan goes from open to semi-open or closed status. Adoption agencies can act as the intermediaries as far as contact in the form of photos and updates go. They also provide ongoing counseling, should you need it. It will also easier be for your child to contact you through an agency should he or she wish to reunite with you in adulthood.

Good luck on your journey. I know it's a difficult decision.

[Janeytwo]

Dear PollyPocket,

I have twisted in the wind over whether to post this publicly to you but this is too important not to (IMO).

Look, except for a brief second in this forum when I sort of lost my mind, I have never been against adoption and I'm still not. No, I don't like the way adoption is being handled these days but that is for younger folk like yourself and others to change and I believe that you all will. I firmly believe that.

But there is much that your generation can learn from mine. What I say to you next, I do not say in judgement of your or your motives. I do not say with hate in my heart. I say it only in kindness and concern for you:



Straight up....no bull....you must do what is right for you. I respect that. I truly do. But do not.....DO NOT....tell yourself that you can make this decision and then simply go on with your life. I don't mean that to sound presumptious or aggresive.

Just.....Please....don't put yourself through that, Polly, because it can't be done. I'm as sure as I can be that women from my era...down to every last one of us...would be willing to testify to that. It can't be done.

Whatever action you take, get counseling for yourself. Not just before your baby's born and not just for a month or so afterward. Stick with it and keep talking. Keep talking. KEEP TALKING. Do not let the silence of denial and despair get hold of you and dictate what your life will become. Because that is what will happen and it will happen without your even realizing it.

Please believe me that I know from where I speak. I am a double surrenderer.

The women from the Closed Era...my era...I peronsally think our message is being lost in the politics of the day. But the message is an important one. Don't walk away from that courthouse and then walk away from yourself.

Yes....I understand the need to put the heart aside and let the mind rule in making such decisions. I understand the need to grit one's teeth and make the leap of faith it takes to relinquish a child. It takes sheer force of will to decide to do so.

I also know though the price we pay when we try to set such a wounded part of our own existence aside.

As a woman from the Closed Era, I NEVER want to see any other young woman put herself through such pain. No birthfather either.

Again, I respect your decision and your need to make. You'll get no judgement from me on that. I'm nobody to judge to start with.

I am only asking that you take care of yourself so that you can live your life without crippling regret.

Thank you for listening to this. I hope I haven't angered you. That wasn't my intent.

Much peace your way always,