[ChinaBuffet]

I'm 23, college graduate, still living with my parents, and have a VERY low paying job (the economy is horrible).
I was dating a man 10 years older than me and he was talking about marriage and babies. One month I didn't pick up my patch, and he knew it and we didn't use condoms and guess what? Yep I'm now "with child" ;-) however the boy freaked out and left. Leaving me horrible messages about how bad of a mother I'd be, telling me that getting an abortion is just like going to the dentist--no big deal--and he doesnt know why i wont just do it. I am pro-choice (whether that matters or not) but in my situation I just can't do it. We discussed adoption and he said he spoke with his attorney and that he will not consent to it and that if I will not have an abortion that he will make it so I have to raise this child on my own (like a punishment!). Now I'm a pretty smart lady and I know that in the United States you can't force someone to raise a child. If I don't want to raise it and he wont consent to adoption then they will ask him to raise it, and it will just sort of go down the list until someone takes the baby.
So after a week of his freak out and telling me I was just the "Fat X" he was having sex with" (can you belive he called me fat?--so not true!) he called me one morning and said he had thought about it and "He didn't want to lose me if there was no baby" so he came back and played Daddy and we talked to my parents and he became comfortable with the idea of having the baby--I thought. Now the red flag was up with the whole "I dont want to lose you if it werent for the baby" comment and after I saw his true colors the love was genuinely gone and all the talk of moving in together and eventually getting married made me depressed. But then, 3 days after he called and wanted to play daddy, he starts trying to talk me into an abortion and even went as far as telling me that "he keeps finding himself hoping I have a miscarriage!"
That was the end of that, and I honnestly felt relieved that he was gone and I wasn't planning the rest of my life with this man I had fallen out of love with. He continued harrassing me but last week I changed my number b/c it was stressing me out way too much, I could feel the stress. Keep in mind I just found out I was pregnant on 12 August so a lot has happened in the month.
Well my parents are getting kind of excited for the baby and they have informed every last member of our extended family (I mean it when I tell you that 5th cousins I didnt know existed know I'm pregnant). However, the more I think about raising the baby alone--even though I have the support of my family--the more it terrifies me. I really do love this baby already, I talk to it, I call it "Harper" (not what I plan to name it) and ask it to stop making me throw up, but I'm a single 23 year old. Maybe I'm immature, maybe I'm overly selfish, or maybe I just have cold feet and that's normal; but I'm afraid of never dating again, I'm afraid that that plan I had dreamed for my life is now just a fantisy for a silly single-mom. Not that in that dream I was married or even seriosuly dating but I was helping people, foster parenting, and doing more community service than can realistically fit in a day.
I'm considering adoption, but I'm afraid of what my family will think. My parents have already expressed their disapproval of that and I know it's my decission and eff them right? But that's seriously much easier said than done. I'm afraid that ex-boy will do what he says and that I won't get to choose the adoptive parents (I've already dreamt up my ideal couple). And then I've read through this meassage board and I'm absolutely TERRIFIED that in 2 years I will regret every day giving my baby for adoption, or finding out that they have addiction problems (like the father and I have bother recovered from), be in and out of institutions, be put in a foster home, wont connect with their a-parents, will grow up to hate me, etc ect...

I have no idea why I'm writing this. Maybe to see if people on the outside can tell how I'm really feeling by my post. Maybe so people who have been in my situation can help me out, advise me, whatever. But, Probably mostly because I have felt so alone since he left and although I do not want him back, I need to feel supported, comforted, assured that I will be okay and that I can do it alone, and that I wont be undatable, or that adoption is an excellent choice and I dont need to be afraid of the what-ifs.

[cetalley]

I am sorry you are feeling all this turmoil. Hormones are about 50% responsible for this , especially the first trimester. Sick, tired swelling in places you never imagined. I am a firstmom, I relinquished 22 yrs ago. I never fell truly in-love wtih my babies until I delivered. I was made to feel it was to late to change my mind and liken it to threats and bribery. I have had an abortion when I was 18..it was my choice...I love having a choice. However I chose to do so because at that time I had a contraceptive called a copper-7. It had gotten lodged side ways and caused me severe pain and infection...after going to Dr. found out I was almost 3 months pregnant..mind you I still had the copper-7 inside me. The doc removed the contaceptive, with great pain, and explained to me he wanted me to see a specialist after telling me they had no way of knowing the effects of copper-7,on the baby. After great lenghts of talking to another Dr. I decided an abortion was the best route. My husband backed me on the decision. I hated the abortion but got over it in a few months. My choice is between me and GOD. I relinquished in 1986, my twins...I have mourned each day since. Not one day goes without aching for them. My life will not be the same ever again. I will continue my search..8,192 days and still looking. Not every person is like me. Some are able to live full happy lives. You have plenty of time to decide. It sounds like you are bonding with your baby already, for it cannot be any other way. Please deliver your baby, hold your baby and love your bay. If after you have done this and can still HAPPILY know in your heart adoption is the right thing, then go for it. The bonding with Mother and Child will never go away, no matter how far away your child is....GODS Blessings ...take you time , you have all the time you need....

[LeAnnsMomma]

God Bless you in your decision and if you'd like to talk more, please feel free to speak with me. Maybe I can give you some insight? My husband was adopted as an infant, and I also have a nephew that was recently adopted into our family. I know of a few people that maybe you and I could relate some?

[cetalley]

China , Please ake your time in this decision. You will undoubtly get many view...in the end , after holding your baby, you and your feelings are all that matters...Peace and Serenity...there is nothing like a child growing inside you..

[LeAnnsMomma]

Well, I just wrote you a book and somehow this posting didn't POST! So I'll do my best to respond again to what you've written above.

My sister in law, S, was in a situation somewhat like yours only she was in high school. The father of her child was an alcoholic...still is...and didn't want the baby. They tried to make things work and well, they both ended up going their separate ways. It was not easy for her to be a single mom, but she did it! She was not labeled as "undateable", in fact she did quite well in that area. The only thing she changed with her dating was the type of guy she dated. She put into priority, whether or not the man she was dating wanting children. Whereas sometimes, that's not the first thing couples discuss and later they find out that the other party is not so keen on children as they thought or hoped. Such as your situation above.

As far as the adoption option, I think it is also a wonderful option. All of the options you've presented above sound to be very wise options and not at all selfish. In fact, adoption I believe, is one of the most selfLESS things you can do for your child. It would be so hard to give that child to someone else, but doing it knowing that that's what is best for them is so generous and loving. That shows how much you really are NOT thinking of your own feelings!

My husband was adopted as an infant, after his parents were killed in an auto accident and I have a nephew that was recently adopted into our family as well. I have a little insight to some of the things you brought up here and if you'd like to talk to me more about it, please don't hesitate to write me, pm me, whatever!

God Bless you in your decision, keep you strong and keep the father from interfering in the happiness of your child.

[cetalley]

Well said LEANNSMOMMA! This is a decision that has plenty of time to be made. I love the fact that our rights to chice are still ours...not anybody elses...I hope we never lose the right to choose...

[LeAnnsMomma]

Edit...delete. What I previously typed in this reply was not a good suggestion so I deleted it...sorry I typed it to begin with~

[Jackiejdajda]

China.. your basic decision is to keep the baby or give it up.. and I urge you to not make the decision before the birth..
And don’t run from the decision by making things in your path that allows others to make the decision for you..

If the father of the baby wants to keep the baby then he goes to a lawyer and finds out what to do..

Not on you.. if you keep the baby you go to a lawyer and name him as the father he has acknowledged he is the father.. The law will get the child support off of him..

If your parents want to raise the baby that is another decision.. but if your parents or family want to manipulate your decision by giving you negative remarks.. understand that this is what is going down..

There is a saying in twelve steps.. keep it simple..

Lawyers.. law.. rights..

Jackie

[specialk4b]

Welcome to the forums! FYI, we do not allow potential adoptive parents to solicit you for your baby, nor do we allow expectant mom's to solicit potential adoptive parents to adopt their baby. If anyone Private Messages you seeking to adopt your baby please contact me or anyone of our moderators or admin. We want this to be a safe place for you to receive the support and resources you are seeking.

Best of luck to you!

[LeAnnsMomma]

Let me also say, that in my opinion, I think what's best for your child is for them to stay with you. As JackieJdajda? said above, don't let anyone else influence your decision. You don't want to regret your decision at all. Have you had time to think over any of the things said here yet today?

[EZ2Luv]

First I want to congradulate you on your pregnancy. Even if you you do not end up parenting a new life deserves to be celebrated.
I second what Jackie said. Please do not rush into any decisions right now. Adoption is forever and as I have said many time, is a premanant solution to a te,porary situation. Life changes, finances change as do jobs living situations ect. Not to mention we all mature an our prioroties change.
I see that you have read some and realize that some of the bmoms here share pain that is lifelong after relinquishing their baby.
Another thing is there are many aparents here who are single, so it is doable and I personally know many singlemoms that have gone on to meet wonderful mates.
Life is not over just because you have a baby, it just takes a little rearranging. You are fortunate that you have such support from your family, that is a definate plus.
Like Jackie said, you have time. You can always wait until after your baby is born. You have no idea how you will feel when that little one is placed in your arms. Trust me, it is life changing. In a split second any fears that you might have will dissapate as you gaze into your newborns eyes.
One last note that I feel I must say because I hear so many times about babies being a gift to childless couple. You do NOT owe any one your baby. It is not your responsibility to give up your own flesh and blood to make another person a parent.
I am no way against adoption, in fact I am considered pro adoption, but whenever I see a young lady post here and feel how torn they are, I believe there is that small voice inside of them telling them not to give their baby up.
Yes you can be a wonderful mother to your baby.

EZ

[taramayrn]

Welcome to the forums. I agree with what some of the other posters have told you - do not make a decision now. Take your time, do your research, speak to those who have been there (parenting and adoption). Neither option will be easy for you or your baby.

[Cortneycakes]

I, am very sorry that you are having to deal with so much all at once. I am even more sorry that the Baby's dad is being so horrible and unsupportive to you. It just isnt fair! I dont know why things happen they way they do, trust me i question Gods reasoning for things all the time. Just know that i am thinking about you and your baby. For right now, do what is right for you and take care of yourself. Take your time on making any decision, i am sure you will know when the time comes what you want to do. Listen to your heart.

[ChinaBuffet]

Thank you all for your comments. Some of my fear stems from the same fear that Travis (ex-boyfriend) has. He has been told by both of his parents that they wish they had aborted him, that he was a mistake. His parents got married when his mom got pregnant and they did not love eachother. His dad has told him since he was small and he remembers his mom telling him when he was 12 that he was not wanted. I personally think telling your child they were a mistake is a horrible thing to do but what if I just think it? What if I resent my child for being born before I was ready, but then again what is ready? I know that I did the deed that created this result, however, this is a big consequence. And I hate to say it but I guess part of me is right there with Travis somewhat hoping for a miscarraige or a birth defect that would make abortion seem settling in my mind. I really hate being in this situation, and I am all hormones....

[Tazer]

Originally Posted by ChinaBuffet

Thank you all for your comments. Some of my fear stems from the same fear that Travis (ex-boyfriend) has. He has been told by both of his parents that they wish they had aborted him, that he was a mistake. His parents got married when his mom got pregnant and they did not love eachother. His dad has told him since he was small and he remembers his mom telling him when he was 12 that he was not wanted. I personally think telling your child they were a mistake is a horrible thing to do but what if I just think it? What if I resent my child for being born before I was ready, but then again what is ready? I know that I did the deed that created this result, however, this is a big consequence. And I hate to say it but I guess part of me is right there with Travis somewhat hoping for a miscarraige or a birth defect that would make abortion seem settling in my mind. I really hate being in this situation, and I am all hormones....

Hi China and welcome to the forum. I am a reunited B-mom and I also have a 2 month old son so I relate to some of the things you've posted. I know what it's like to wonder what should happen to the child growing inside of you; I was 16 when I placed my daughter and none of the decisions I made were easy. I did not
however, let anyone else make them for me and IMO you shouldn't either. Seek all the advice, help and support you need but ultimately it is you who needs to decide what choice is right for you and your baby.

Also, I know what an awful thing pregnancy related hormones can be since I'm just getting over my own. Take it slow, China. Things probably seem much worse than they really are. I don't know what your religious belief's are but I do know that even in your most lonely hour you are not alone or forgotten. Remember, no matter how bad it seems it's always darkest before the dawn. I need to repeat what others here have shared; you do not have to decide to place your baby now. Take as much time as you need to make the choice you want to make. Take care...Tracy