[NishaK]

Hi All,

I recently found out that I am 15 weeks pregnant and not exactly sure what to do. I am 22 years old, and in my first year of med school. I always thought that if I ever got pregnant I would never be able to give it up. I feel now that keeping it would just be completely selfish; my parents are still supporting me, I don't have a job, no money, my life right now is just unstable. the father doesn't think a baby is part of his 10 year plan and i don't think i could force someone to love a child when he feels its unwanted.
If I do give birth to this child I would want the best for it, and a family that could love and support more than i ever could.

My problem is I don't know what type of affects it will have on me in the future. Will giving my baby up be something that I regret for the rest of my life?

[RobinKay]

You came to the right place. As you look over all the different forums, you will see many many posts from birthmothers.

From what I have read, you will have lifelong effects from this choice, whether you make an adoption plan or keep your baby.

I will be thinking of you, and wishing you peace with your decision.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

Considering that you are already in med school, I would recommend exploring all your options as far as how you could support your child before you make a decision of whether to choose parenting or adoption. For example, would your parents be willing to help until you are done with school? Also, you may qualify for more financial aid to help with living expenses, as well as other forms of assistance. Of course, going to med school as a single parent would not be easy, especially if the father chooses not to be involved in the child's life, and I realize that taking a break from school for a couple years may not be an option (i.e. if you are on a scholarship, or the school won't hold your spot). It is a tough decision that only you can make, but please explore ALL your options so that you can make a fully-informed decision.

[quantum]

There's regret and regret!
I relinquished my son in 1985 when I was a freshman at college. It ended up being a closed adoption, I had no information about anything else and I've always been angry about that.
I was told 'just move on, forget about it blah blah blah.'
That is IMPOSSIBLE. I didn't receive any pre or post placement counseling and that kind of messed me up quite a lot. I was never allowed to grieve, talk about it anything.

I am very happy in my life right now. Would I be if I'd kept my son? I don't know. He has had a good life and has a great family so I'm happy for that. Maybe it was the right choice for me considering everything.

However I have had a huge empty spot in my heart that nothing has been able to fill. I found my son 1 1/2 years ago, and finally forgave myself. But I ache. I ache for the years I missed with him, I ache for the fact that I will never have the sort of relationship with him that his family who raised him do.

You'll hear a lot of stories here, a lot of advice.
Mine is explore ALL options. Listen to your HEART, and don't feel stressed to make a decision right now. You've got plenty of time, lots of people reccommend taking your baby home before you make your decision.

Ask questions! Give your ideas/opinions! We're here for support and help.

[offthebeatenpath]

Nisha,

I would have to agree with many of the posts on here. Please do not rush any decision you make.

I gave my son up for adoption. As a young lady I faced many heart wrenching decisions. It is so hard making a life altering decision for another person....especially one that hasn't even made it here yet.

The right decision is not always the easiest. Only you know what the "right" decision is for your child. Giving a child up for adoption is not a selfish act. I believe this decision to be on the opposite end of the spectrum. Giving a child a chance and a life that you cannot provide....it is the most selfless act a mother can make.

As many others have said, you have several options. If adoption is the path you choose, there are open and closed adoptions.

Having your parent's support is outstanding. A support system is absolutely something you should utilize right now.

The way I made my decision, this may or may not be the way you need to do it, was to take myself out of the equation. I made my decision based solely on my son. No, I am not self righteous or a saint.....it was the only way I could be honest with myself and make the right decision for my son.

I know how hard this situation is and my heart breaks for you. I wish you all the love in the world right now to help you through this tumultuous time. There seem to be many people on here willing to be a support group for you, myself included.

Please remember, no matter how tough it gets, lean on those you can depend on.

[djvj]

hi, there is some great advice here

i also recommend research. yes, surfing the web, reading books, and finding out all you can to prepare yourself for the emotional consequences of adoption.

2 good books to read are "The Girls Who Went Away" and "Primal Wound". the first is about adoption in the period before roe vs wade, but is surprisingly accurate of the emotional effects almost all birthmothers experience. the 2nd explores the perspective of the child and discusses ways that the adoptee is also emotionally impacted by the separation from birthparent. both are fascinating and will give you a fuller picture of things to consider.

always, always, always listen to your heart and gut. you will get a lot of pressure from agencies to surrender. you will need to educate yourself about your rights and best/worse case scenarios of any option you choose

and lastly, don't make a final decision until AFTER the baby is born. you simply cannot be prepared for the experience while you are pregnant. you will be an entirely different person no matter which option you choose...and your decision shouldn't be made until after you experience this.

good luck

[JustPeachy]

The way I came to my decision, was to really examine my circumstances and decide what I wanted for my son and what would be best for all involved. I chose adoption early in my pregnancy, thinking it would be easy (I was a teenager at the time), but didn't realize how strongly I'd bond with my son. I still followed through with an adoption plan, but it was not easy. I'm not going to lie, it is hard, HOWEVER, I have never felt lifelong regret of my decision (I have regretted my circumstances, though, but I cannot change that), nor have I felt a hole in my heart that nothing can fill, which many bmoms speak of. I do miss him, I do think about him all the time, reconnecting is very hard (we are not there yet, but possibly on the brink of it), and it is not an easy path, but I am well aware that it would not have been an easy path had I parented a child on my own when I wasn't ready to be a parent and in the circumstances I was in. In fact, in so many ways it would have been a much more difficult path, for both of us.

I suggest looking at all your options, reexamine things after your baby is born, if you consider adoption, consider open or semi-open (I had semi and got pics and letters all these years, which helped TREMENDOUSLY), but understand in most states, this is not a legally binding agreement, get very good counseling, understand you WILL grieve, even in open adoption and allow yourself to grieve. You will not ever forget your child, that is for sure, but in my case, knowing he's had a very good life and all I've ever wanted for him but could not provide, has been helpful to me.

I know a good number of bmoms IRL who are at peace with their decision and believe strongly that you can heal.

Good luck to you with whatever you decide.

[NishaK]

I just wanted to thank all of you for your advice and support. You all seem to suggest doing a lot of research, and that is one thing I am great at doing.

Besised the two already mentioned, are there any other books you suggest reading? Maybe places to talk to, or places not to talk to?

[geogdeb]

As far as places not to talk -- don't talk with adoption counselors about your choices. They are there for one reason and that is to facilitate adoption. They will be biased. If you want to talk about the services they provide, then yes, talk to them. But as far as making your decision, find counseling that is unbiased. Unfortunately, since I relinquished 29 years ago, I really don't know where to go to find that type of counseling except privately. But others here might know.


I do regret relinquishing. There would've been a few hard years, but I went back to school after having my raised children and it is possible. In many ways I was more determined and more driven to succeed because of them. Much more than when I tried to go to school after I relinquished. Keep in mind, the pregnancy is temporary, but adoption is permanent. Like many have suggested, wait to have the baby before you make up your mind and exhaust all resources before you relinquish. I don't think all adoption is bad, but it is all painful for the birthparents and adoptees in one form or another. It may end up being the best solution for all involved, but you need to make sure first. As you mentioned, you know how to research, so go for it!

Here's another book from the adoptee's side you might want to read:

How It Feels to Be Adopted by Jill Krementz

Good Luck,

Deb

P.S. I wish everyday that I had kept my child.

[waitngforastar]

If there is a crisis pregnancy center in your area you can start there to find unbiased counseling. Also many communities have a # to call, (in our county it is 211) for links to help available in your community. They could tell you where to start for counseling as well as for what services are available should you decide to parent your child. You could find that out now and that could help you make your decision. Also adoptive parents in many states are allowed to pay for counseling so if you have decided to consider adoption and you find a family for your child through an agency or on your own through a newspaper ad or a website, you could ask for them to provide counseling.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Just a heads up: Not ALL "crisis pregnancy centers" have unbiased counseling. Some are funded by groups that are anti-abortion and some are funded by adoption agencies so the information that mothers receive at these centers can be skewed in all sorts of manners. That said, some Planned Parenthood centers are also skewed. (Note that I have said some for all of these examples. Meaning that some are a great resource.)

In short, make a phone call before you go anywhere and ask who they are funded by, how often they refer for various services and whether you will be given unbiased information on ALL of your options. If you won't, it's not worth your time.

[taramayrn]

How did I miss this!? Yes, thank you Jenna for mentioning that as a rule crisis pregnancy centers are not unbiased.

[KarynB]

Hi Nisha,

I don't have any advice for you in terms of relinquishing or parenting - but I can offer a bit of support. I have three kids now and am finishing a degree and looking ahead to grad school in January. It can be tiring - but it is not impossible to parent and finish school! I am not trying to sway you either way (I am an adoptive parent) but just want you to now that there are ways to do both. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat at all,

Karyn

[mandym]

I was 17 when I got pregnant. After agonizing over it for months I decided on adoption. I'm 42 years old now and there hasn't been a day in my life that I haven't thought about the son I gave up. You will grieve an un-imaginable amount for the loss of your child but with the grief comes the peace of knowing that you have given that child to someone that is desperately wanting a child of their own and possibly a better life for the child you give up.
Open adoption wasn't an option for me in 1984. I think if it had then I wouldn't have experienced so much grief. There are so many more resources for you to utilize now. Do that. You are so smart for reaching out now. Keep exploring your options.
Remember... your choice is the right choice.
Good luck

[BobMariah]

Raising a child and going to school has got to be very hard, but not impossible. My sister has 4 little girls ages 4-9 and this past spring graduated from nursing school. It took her a little longer and she struggled, but she made it! I was so proud to watch her get her degree!