[Stiina]

I'm 18 years old and about 28 weeks pregnant and it seems like noone will help answer my questions so I must find them out myself. So here I am..

I never planned or wanted to ever have children. I was actually on BC from the last pregnancy that I had aborted and never thought I'd be in the same place a year later. I knew I could and probably should have aborted this one too but I was scared to fall right back into being depressed since noone really supported me the last time.. So I started to consider adoption this time around hoping the father of the baby would be on board.. He was for a little while till he soon changed his mind he went back and forth from yeah it's a good idea to no I just said that because I didn't want to talk about it. Now it seems like I've pushed it off to the last minute thinking he'd possibly change his mind and he hasn't probably the reason why we aren't together anymore

But anyways I now know that it's going to be tough to even have it adopted out because he won't agree to it

So I'm wondering is there anyway to get around this so I can adopt the baby out

I honestly don't want his family or my family to raise the baby for personal reasons and if I have no other choice I'm going to be forced to take care of a child that I never wanted

Mm sorry it's a little early over here and I havent't gotten any sleep so I got lazy with punctuation but you get the point.. Right?

[bmomto2_momto2]

Well I think you do have options. I don't know that any of them are easy options though. First let me say that my hope for you is that you and father can come to a mutual agreement and stick with that choice as that would be the best plan. However, that may not happen. I don't know what state you live in, but if you live in a putative father registry state, you have a good chance of terminating his parental rights against his wishes as most men do not know about the need to register. Basically, if you live in one of these states the law states that the father a very short period of time in which to register as being the father of the child. If he fails to do this, his rights to the child can be terminated based solely on his failure to register. I personally do not like these registries, but if it came right down to it and you were trying to place this child for adoption and he didn't want you to then that could help you. I do not know your "personal reasons" that you don't want your family or his to raise this child, however if they are personal only and have nothing to do with the welfare of the child, then please reconsider those avenues. I have placed two children for adoption. No matter what your feelings about having children are today... they very likely will change many years down the road and that will be a pain like you have never experienced. I do not wish this pain on anyone. My SIL had 3 abortions and the final time she got pregnant decided to raise the child as she was getting older and figured it was probably her last chance to raise a child. She felt no connection or desire for this child throughout her entire pregnancy but as soon as she was born... mom was hooked. That little girl will turn 5 in January. She has been the best thing in my SIL's life and she is a wonderful, single mother. No matter what you think of the father, that child could turn him around. I hope I have helped. Please let us know how things turn out.

[SchmennaLeigh]

If he won't agree to it, it is unethical and illegal to find a way to get "around it."

[MamaS]

Arizona has a "Safe Haven law" which means you may surrender your child anonymously. You do not have to give any information - not your name and not the father's name. You can leave the baby at a hospital, fire station, or police station. This is NOT considered abandoning your baby and it is not illegal. Your baby will be kept in foster care for a few weeks while you have a chance to change your mind. If you don't, then an adoptive family is found for the baby. Call your local Planned Parenthood Office or the chaplain of the local hospital for more information.

[ourdreamcametru]

First of all let me say that I am appalled that anyone would tell you that you can "get around" the birthfather! Everyparent should have a say so in who raises their child and my suggestion is for you AND the birthfather to sit down and talk with someone who can help you come to a mutual agreement as to who will raise the child, you, him, you and him, adoption what ever the outcome may be. You can contact an agency and seek counseling there that will help you. Stay strong and follow your heart.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Safe Haven should NOT be used as a plan to "get around" naming the father and acknowledging his rights. That's NOT what it was created for and using it as such is abusing it. I am SHOCKED that people would suggest such a thing. UGH. My goodness.

[thanksgivingmom]

I have to agree with ourdream and Jenna....and I used Safe Haven.

I do NOT encourage other women to do the same. In California the baby does NOT go into foster care but is placed with a possible adoptive family that has agreed to a high risk placement (at least this was our situation as well as other Safe Haven Placements I know of) and the time period to change your mind is ten days.

My DD's birthfather had no interest in her, no desire to know anything about me or her during the pregnancy, and I STILL don't feel good about what I did by not involving him in that part. Had he expressed an interest to parent or voiced an opinion against adoption there is no way I would have done what I did. Safe Haven ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT be used as a way to get around birthfather rights.

And while legally safe haven may not be considered abandoning your baby, the rest of the world certainly does see it that way. Also, there are loopholes in the legality of it, such as if you provide your own full name the police are authorized to investigate. (At least this is what I was told when I was in the hospital). Safe Haven is not as "safe" as it's name implies.

If you would like to, please feel free to PM me.

Edited to add Jenna's name at the beginning once I saw she responded as well

[Stiina]

Sorry maybe I shouldn't have said get around it the father should have a say in where his child ends up but he's been playing these games for awhile now he's the one who threw my BC away and he also said that if I gave it up or had it aborted he'd want me to have another child in a year
He knows the reasons why I don't want it in the family and it wouldn't be fair to the child
I'm an 8th grade drop out who can't get a job and has been rejected countless times in the past year I would either have to be supported by my mother or him
My mother is an alcoholic who can't admit her problem and I can barely handle taking care of her
I have hardly any family and the family that lives close wants to keep there distance from me
The father is 22 years old who can barely support himself and doesn't even have the time to raise a child
I've also seen him around my friends and his families children and I would be scared to death to leave him alone with a child he's still a little kid himself and all I want is the best for the child and I know I can't provide that
About the safe heaven he does know when my due date is and he could easily take it to court when the baby turns up missing pretty much an adoption can and would be stopped by him since he didn't give his consent and in most states either you have to register or you have to support the mother in some way while she is pregnant and he did since I did live with him until my mom went into the hospital and I had to come back to take care of her
So I guess there's really nothing I can do and I'm just completely stuck..

[bmomto2_momto2]

Stiina,

You said that you do have some family that lives close but they keep their distance from you. I have had that a long time ago with my family. However, if they could be good parents it is worth asking them. They may just surprise you. Don't count them out. You are trying to do the responsible thing. If the father is not fit to parent this child and he takes you to court, the court will see that and you may still plan an adoption. Again, please keep us posted.

[dakotabluebaby]

I first want to tell you that you are not alone, even though it feels that way. and that you do have a choice.

This 'relationship' has raised some flags with me, first he made the decision to get you pregant and is threatening to get you pregnant again. This is abuse, while he may not hurt you in the ways usually thought of abuse, control is abuse.

There are programs out there to help you. You sound articulate and intelligent, there are programs for you to finish school. There are many adoption programs where the adopting family will support the birth mother through the pregnancy, I think your best bet is to get involved with a program for assitance for you to make a life for yourself and get away from your current situation.

There is hope.

Do not worry about the father's rights over your child's. No child should be born with a job to do, nor should they be born into an abusive relationship.

You have a good head on your shoulders, That is worth more than gold. You have a choice. Make your life better and your child's.

You are both worth it.

[Stiina]

Thanks everyone so much I have an appointment to go see my doctor in the next week she said that she'll work things out with me to figure out a plan and discuss all my options with me
But I'm just curious what is an unfit mother?

[dpen6]

Dakotabluebaby,

I Really like the comment that "No baby should be born with a job to do" How True!

So much emotion is put on a little baby by so many in an adoption situation.

Stiina,

You have plenty of time to think things over. I hope all goes well with your Doctor.

[Mommy24]

Stiina~ As a Moderator here at Adoption.com I would like to welcome you and also let you know that we are not a matching site, if anyone PM's you or emails you asking for your baby please let a Moderator or Admin know so that we can take appropriate action. We want you to find all the support you need here without any pressure.

Again, Welcome and best of luck to you!

[Grace27]

I first want to tell you that you are not alone. There are hundreds of girls going through the same thing right now. I'm glad that you're going to talk to your doctor next week. I hope that he/she is able to give you some insight and direction. I recommend talking to an adoption agency. A lot of adoption agencies now have counselors there who are there to talk to girls whether they choose to place or not. I hope that once you have the facts before you you will be able to make the right choice for you and your baby. I will keep you in my prayers and I hope things work out for the best! Good luck!

[Mommy24]

Just a suggestion, adoption agencies are not in the business to provide you with all of your options, unfortunately. They are there to place babies for adoption, you deserve unbiased counseling from someone who stands to gain nothing from your decision.