[finallyfree05]

Well, lets see...I'm 21 years old. I made the mistake of getting married after knowing someone for only 3 weeks. I however did not want to get a divorce, neither did he, so we decided to stay together and try to work on our relationship and make it last. As soon as I thought there was a possibility that I was pregnant, I told him that we needed to go buy a test. That night, we didnt go get a test, he told me I had a choice to make, that if I was pregnant it was either him or the baby. I told him there was NO way I would EVER give up my child for a man. So, instead of going to find out if I was pregnant that night, he packed his things, and left. I called him a couple of days later to tell him that indeed, I was pregnant. He now says that he thinks I cheated on him, that he doesnt believe the baby is his...and yet, once the baby is born in December, wants a DNA test and "if it is his" (WHICH IT IS), he wants to have FULL custody (but of course, this changes day to day as well). This coming from the 'man' that left me the minute he found out it was possible.
I spent 7 years of my life in foster care and when I signed myself out at the age of 18, I was left with really no family. My younger siblings parents became my family, but disowned me once they found out I was married. Now that I'm pregnant, and need them more than ever, they are taking his side. My siblings foster mother wrote me a message the other day, the first I've heard from her since Feb. telling me she hopes that I will consider placing my child for adoption with a family that is stable and can provide for them. That she doesnt want my child to go through what I went through being in the foster care system.
I don't want to place my child for adoption...the thought never crossed my mind until I recieved that message. What if she is right...what if I can't provide for my child financially? I know without a doubt I will love this child more than anyone or anything in the world...I already do. With me working, and recieving any state assistance I qualify for...will we be alright? Or, just because I was in foster care, does that mean I'll be a bad mother?

I am really just scared, alone, and so confused as to what to do...So, I'm really just getting all my thoughts out. If anyone has any advice or thoughts you'd like to share, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[sstuart]

ADOPTION is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I would not do it if I were you. I would try my best to keep the child. There is no guarentee that the adoptive parents won't have financial problems, divorce etc. If you think that you can give your child a loving home I say do it.

[Rondidondi]

just because I was in foster care, does that mean I'll be a bad mother?

Absolutely not!
It sounds like you are willing to provide as much as you can for you child. Assistance will help you until you don't need it anymore.
Parenting on your own is hard, but do-able.
I would start finding out about any assitance you qualify for. Talk with your doctor and the hospital and see what financial assistance or payment plans they may have.
Start shopping garage sales for baby items.
You sound like you want to parent so parent! And ENJOY!!
Best of luck!

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

I hope you do not mind an adoptive mom popping in here. I understand the fear. When we pulled up to the orphanage to get my first daughter, I told them to turn around! I thought the joke had gone far enough and there was no way I could be a single mom!

Now I am a single mom to 2. It is so do-able! Do not let ANYONE talk you out of doing what your heart is telling you to do. You will regret it the rest of your life. If you feel you can do this, then you can do it. Sometimes you will be scared and overwhelmed. But that is natural. I think dealing with your furutre ex will be more of a hassle than this beautiful child you are expecting. Good luck with that.

[finallyfree05]

Thank you all for your support. I'm glad that even though my family won't support me I can find some form of support on here.
I don't think dealing with the ex will be as much of a problem as dealing with his mother. grrr.... I know she's just protecting her son, but he is 23 years old, and had just as much to do with this as I did.

[taramayrn]

Listen to your heart. Do not let her words bring doubt into your heart. It might not be easy, but you can be a great mom even if you did grow up in foster care.

[mg1970]

I don't understand why your family thinks you shouldn't keep this child. What's so bad about you raising your child? That just doesn't make sense to me. Why would they disown you for having a child. Who says the child will end up in foster care -- it has a mother?

As for your soon to be ex husband, good riddance. I'm glad you found out what a looser this guy was so soon. Rest assured, he will be paying child support if he wants to have anything to do with his child.

And he's not getting full custody, so just forget about that. He is just trying to bully you.

I think you need to distance yourselves from these people who seem to have no confidence in your abilities. If this is something you want you CAN do it.

Best of luck,
M

[quantum]

Believe in yourself!
It sounds like you know what you want to do, but you're being influenced by outside sources. Take things in but don't take them too much to heart.

[Marimar]

You know ..
I have seen some birthmothers at the end which gain their power and ask themselves.
"How come I did not know that I was this powerful way before. "
You need to find the strength in you.. For both you and your child.
Losing your child is hard.. Both for you and for your child..
Your child NEEDS YOUU..
Please do not think that you are replacable..
Even for the best adoption there is still a loss for the child. I think adoption agencies never underlines that lost. They want to reduce your power and they use your being unsure of yourself for the very end.
This is bullying and coersion.
Please know that you are the best thing for your baby.
Try to do your best and until you do everything within your power do not give up your child.

[sdncfn]

You have to do what is best for you. My best friend went through something similar. Her husband walked out on her when he found out she was pregnant because he never wanted kids. After the baby was born, he tried for full custody and tried to prove her an unfit mother in order to gain full custody. My friend was a wreck but got a great lawyer who told her this:

Unless the mother has a police record, is a known drug or alcohol abuser, or is seen as an unfit mother (abusive, etc...) the child cannot be taken from her or even tried to be taken from her until he/she is a year old. Even if the mother isn't breast feeding. If the mother is breast feeding, I think it's a little longer. After that, if he gets a lawyer and tries to get full custody, the judge will need proof that the mother is unfit or the mother has to agree for him to have full custody for it to happen. Don't worry about him getting full custody because I doubt it's even an option!!

Don't choose adoption just because someone wants you to. You have to choose it because you think it's the best for you and your child. I bet you'll be a better mother because you were in foster care.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

I wouldn't worry too much about your loser ex. His threats to take full custody are empty and probably related to his fears of having to pay child support. The reality is he WILL have to pay child support, whether he likes it or not, and if he insists on a paternity test and that comes out positive, then he'll have to pay for that too. I had a friend in a similar situation who's boyfriend left her several months into her pregnancy, then after the break-up he suddenly started claiming he "didn't know if the baby was his." They got a paternity test, and he is now paying child support. He had threatened to try to get sole custody, but he hasn't even tried that since the baby has been born (she is almost a year old now). Even if your ex magically becomes "super-dad" and tries to get full custody, the most he's likely to get is joint custody. The courts will not remove a child from parental custody just because you are on public assistance or don't have a family to support you.

[finallyfree05]

Since we are legally married, can he just walk into the hospital and take the baby? That was my nightmare last night and now cant stop thinking about it.

[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by ProspectiveSingleMom

I wouldn't worry too much about your loser ex. His threats to take full custody are empty and probably related to his fears of having to pay child support. The reality is he WILL have to pay child support, whether he likes it or not, and if he insists on a paternity test and that comes out positive, then he'll have to pay for that too. I had a friend in a similar situation who's boyfriend left her several months into her pregnancy, then after the break-up he suddenly started claiming he "didn't know if the baby was his." They got a paternity test, and he is now paying child support. He had threatened to try to get sole custody, but he hasn't even tried that since the baby has been born (she is almost a year old now). Even if your ex magically becomes "super-dad" and tries to get full custody, the most he's likely to get is joint custody. The courts will not remove a child from parental custody just because you are on public assistance or don't have a family to support you.

Please keep in mind that he WILL be ORDERED to pay child support but unfortunately it isn't always enforced. Child support, unfortunately, is not a reliable source of income to count on. Sad but true!

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

No, he cannot just walk in and take the baby away from you. That would be kidnapping. And the fact that you're married doesn't make any difference as far as parental rights are concerned. He will have a right to see the child if he chooses, but if you feel the child is not safe with him, you can request that the courts limit him to supervised visits. For this you'd need good documentation, so you might want to start keeping track of every threat he makes, especially if it is in front of a witness. Also, if he's insisting on a paternity test, those don't get done right away, so if he's sticking by his "it's not my baby" story he probably won't even want to see the kid until after he/she is home from the hospital.

[fairydust159]

NO, he most definitely cannot walk in and take the baby. Hospitals are VERY careful about who has access to the babies. When you check in at the hospital make sure you let them know that NO ONE ELSE is to have access to the baby, and that you are going through a difficult time with your ex husband. I'm sure this won't be the first time they've had to deal with ex's fighting over a baby (although I doubt he'd try anything no matter how much he barks about it).

Once the baby is born (almost immediately after) they attach a special transmitter to the umbilical cord, and if the baby is carried too close to ANY exit, the exits immediately seal shut. This has been the protocol in every single maternity ward I've ever seen (and I've seen some pretty rural hospitals). There is no way he'll be able to get to that baby in the hospital.