[LyricallyUnsound]

Well, I guess I should tell my story first. I'm 17 years old , just finished my senior year of high school, and became pregnant last October, about a month after my 16th birthday. I have never really liked or planned on having children in my entire life. My boyfriend, 20, and I have been together for two years and a few months, and he's been with me completely throughout this not so wonderful time in my life. We were safe in everything we did, but apparently we're very unlucky people.

It's been a rough time. I've cried more than I've ever cried in my entire life, but I didn't drop out of high school and I continued with my musical theater career, being in about four shows throughout the pregnancy (Though at this point, about 37 weeks, I'd rather kill myself than do anymore dancing or singing. Hehe.) It's helped me get through it a bit more.

I guess that's really cutting the story quite short. There's really a lot more I could say, probably, but I don't think it matters. Here's my current situation:

My family really doesn't want me to give the child up for adoption. They want to keep it, and have told me they'd raise it in this tiny little house that we have. I know for a fact that this is not the best thing for him, and not only that, but, at the risk of sounding selfish, it's not the best thing for me either. They've made me feel really guilty. Though technically they've been supportive in the fact that they haven't kicked me out, killed my boyfriend, taken me to all my appointments and so on, they haven't been supportive on the whole giving him up for adoption front. It's been a very big ordeal, a lot of mental stress on me, a lot of fighting, and now my parents and my boyfriend are fighting. *Sigh* My mother especially just won't let it go, and it's brought up every day. So many different fights have occurred that I'm surprised I haven't gone into early labor.

Anyway, this is probably more than anyone cares to hear and I apologize. Where I'd really like some support or advice or anything you can give me comes up right about now, I swear. Last week, Matt and I, through the help of his sister-in-law, talked with a great couple from upstate (I live in New York) and I got a really great vibe for them. They are going to love him so much. I know I waited a while, but it's just been so hard (I hope that doesn't sound stupid) and I didn't have a clue what to do until we got his sister-in-law's help. Basically, the thing is, that I know I said I don't like kids, and that's because I don't, and I know I said I've never wanted them, and that's because I don't, but I guess that whole "You'll feel differently because it's yours" thing is getting to me. I look at all these clothes my mom bought for him and I start breaking down. I can't stop crying.

I'm afraid of what will happen in about two and a half weeks, after I have the c-section, and I see him. I guess maybe that I'll want to change my mind and not sign the papers... but I know that I can't do that. I know it wouldn't be right, because I just know that it's better for him if I give him up, no matter how hard it is. I guess I'm afraid of what a wreck I'm going to be, and how I'm going to survive after this. They've agreed to letting this adoption be as open as we want it, and that helps in a way, because at least I'll always know he's alright. But what if it just makes it harder? I'm afraid I won't be able to stop crying in the hospital room, that I'll hold him and I'll cry all over him and scare him in the first and only time he sees me, and that I'll come home and everyone will be all dismal and depressed that he didn't come home, and again all I'll do is cry. There's also so many things that my mother brought because she's so convinced it's going to be hear... so many baby things.

I guess I'd just like some advice on how to deal with this, if at all possible. Or just any support at all. I know that there are people on here who have probably gone through things just as difficult and definitely more difficult. If anyone could advise me as to how to not fall apart, I'd really appreciate it.

[Rylee45]

I am opposed to adoption completely. However, you have to do what's best for both of you.

I think if you really want to know, if you think your parents would love the baby and take care of it and not abuse it that you should give him to them and let them raise him and you move out somewhere that you won't have to see him if you don't want to.

Open adoption in a lot of cases doesn't turn out. They can be closed at the whim of the adoptive parents for no reason whatsoever other than they don't want you to be part of "their" child's life and they can take off and you will never be able to know if your son is ok or not. Some people will tell you ANYTHING you want to hear just to get the baby from you and then you're screwed. Once you sign those papers it's over. That's it. You've given up your right to anything in the future.

They look at it that the adoptive parents are being "kind" in giving you any contact whatsoever with your child. They don't have to even if you say that's the only way you'll give them your child. It doesn't matter.

TPR is termination of your parental rights and that's exactly what it is. You have no rights and you can't take the adoptive parents to court to sue for visitiation rights because you gave that right up when you signed the papers. Sad but true.

There are a lot of good people who adopt children and do follow through on the agreement and really do love the baby and the babys motehr out there too but there are those that won't hold to ANY agreement you have with them because they don't have to.

If you don't want to be a mother then don't be but don't take the baby from your family. If open adoption is what you'd be willing to deal with then let your parents adopt him and have the "open adoption" situation with them. You will have more of a chance that you WILL be able to see him and know he's ok if you let your family adopt him.

The small house/apartment is not that bad. Babies usually sleep in the parents room anyway. There's plenty of time for finding bigger living arrangements.

Believe me, adoption isn't the best for everyone. If you've read anything about my story you'll know that my daughter was given to people who passed every test they were given and lied their way into being able to adopt MY daughter. She was abused severely in her lifetime.

My advice would be just to give the baby to family and let them love him and have your open adoption with family.

Your boyfriend and you can move out into an apartment together and not have to be parents if you don't want to be. Your son won't have as bad abandonment issues if you let him stay in the family and he gets to know who you are.

Don't give up on him and give him to strangers. Let him have his family he already has who really love him already and want him to be in the family.

I would be devastated and probably not get past it and resent any of my children who chose to give a child away if I offered to raise it instead of giving it away.

This is just my opinion. You will do what you choose to do in the long run but I hope you'll think more about it before you give him up. Just because you have prospective parents for your son doesn't mean you HAVE to give him away to them.

Yes they will be devastated to lose the chance to have a baby but they'll get past it and unless your family would abuse your son, what have you got to lose? Your son will be happy and loved.

However if your family are abusers by all means follow through with the adoption if you don't want to be a mother.

I hope you will be able to deal with whatever decision you end up making. Good luck with it. I pray you'll do the right thing. Whatever that happens to be.

Rylee

[lovemy2boys]

Hi Lyrically,

I'm an adoptive mom, and I hope you don't mind me posting...For what it's worth, my advice is to just take some time to weigh out all of your options. I know you are due to deliver in a few weeks, but that doesn't mean that you have to PLACE in a few weeks.

First off, don't feel obligated to the couple you met. They may be wonderful and sweet and loving, but you have an obligation to yourself and your child - no one else..,.not this couple, not your parents, no one. You have to decide what is best, and you should do so with only the two of you in mind. If you've told the couple that you would like to place with them, maybe give them the heads up that you emotions are overwhelming you right now, and that you need time before a decision can be made.

And like you said in your post - you may not have "liked" children before, but this isn't just a child - this is YOUR child, and that makes all the difference in the world...seeing this little baby may change your mind completely and you may decide that parenting IS your only option. Please dont push that aside because you think you may "owe" someone.

As for a relative adoption, well, those are just as complicated as a non relative adoption, and aren't without problems. I've heard of as many hardships with birth/adoptive parents in relative adoptions as I have with those not in the family...it brings about it's own special circumstances, so you may want to consider that as well. (AS A DISCLAIMER, I have no experience in adoption within a family, but I've seen many members of all sides of the triad discuss the hardships on this board, so I wanted to give you a bit of info from that perspective). But having said that, the size of a house doesn't determine the lack of ability to love, so if it's finances only that concerns you (and you do think your parents would make good parents to this baby) then you may want to consider this.

We have an open adoption with both of our boys' firstmoms, and though they haven't been without struggles, they have been wonderful. Unfortunatly though, as Rylee has stated, there is no guarantee that parents from either side (birth and adoptive) will honor the openness, so that is something you need to consider.

I would try to seek some counseling on this...If I were you, I'd contact Brenda Romanchik on this site (someone will pass along her email or pm) and she could find an unbiased counselor to help you sort through some things.

Best of luck to you. These boards are a great place for support.

[happygmom]

I strongly recommend that if there is even a tiny doubt in your mind about a non-family adoption that you back away from making a committment to the couple that you met. There is no need to rush into making a decision.

I am the grandmother of a 3-yo boy. My daughter was single and very uncertain about being a mother. She was being pushed very hard into making a committment to a couple to adopt her child. We decided to wait until after her son was born to get involved with adoption. We felt that it was unfair to our grandson to not have time with his mother (even it was a few days) and unfair to the hopeful couple whose hearts might be broken. In the end, she did bond very strongly with her son and is raising him. We had no way of knowing before the birth.

We found some information in pamplet that helped us a lot as a family -

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf

After we read it, we decided to slow down the adoption plan and wait until after my grandson's birth to decide.

Good luck, breathe deeply, and tell everyone to back off and give you space to decide.

Happy G'Ma

[karsonsmom]

Please consider allowing your parents to adopt your child, if in fact after he is born you still feel the way you do. BUT be very clear that they are not trying to manipulate you into being his mother/parenting him. IF they really do plan to adopt him as their own, them you must understand that several years from now you don't get the option to change your mind and attempt to reclaim him from them as your own. I agree to wait until AFTER he is born, but shortly thereafter it needs to be decided if you are his sister or his mother. HE needs this. Your parents deserve to be respected as this child's parents if you do decide to relinquish him to them. You don't get to be the other "mommy"--dressing him up in cute clothes to go over and playing house with his biodad, and some of the other things that sometimes are fun and tempting...this isn't the best thing for him. You can be his big sister or his mother but not both. And I STRONGLY agree with other post that if your parents are willing and able to adopt, this is what you should do for your son. I have a son, 21, who was born to me when I was young and unmarried. I have a daughter whom I adopted, 11, who was my husband's biogranddaughter. She gets to still have some of the bio connection to her family...she knows she grew inside her sister's body and then was our child. She understands that this was a "good-mother" thing that bmom did FOR her..recognized she wouldn't/couldn't be a parent at that time and made a better choice for child.
Best of everything to you. Remember, that tiny house won't be your home for many more years, anyway. You are on the brink of adulthood, and it really isn't fair of you to decide HIS whole future on what is physically comfortable for you. He didn't ask to be conceived.

[Oceans]

I placed my child over 20 years ago and just wanted to let you know that everything you are feeling is 100% normal. It is OK to be wavering right now – all of this is becoming very real to you. It just means you have some more thinking and planning ahead of you.

To be honest, I would let those in your life know that you are still considering your options and will not be making any final decisions until your son is born. If they try to convince you what is “right” (either one way or the other) then end the conversation. You need support right now, not opinions on what you should do. I would also get a message to the potential adoptive parents that you will not be making up your mind until your son is born. This will take a lot of emotional pressure off you later.

The next step is to educate yourself. I can say, that the choice to place my son is the biggest decision I have ever made and will probably always be. Adoption is not about signing the paperwork and moving on. You will carry this the rest of your life. It maybe the right choice for you but it will leave a mark. If you choose to place, please, please, please get some counseling afterwards. The aparents will pay for it so don’t let that be an issue.

Also, look into open adoption and think about the level of contact that you would be comfortable with. Open adoption can/and does include pictures, updates, phone calls, letters and visitation. Also, have a clear understanding of the level of contact the aparents desire – DO NOT guess about this. It’s just too important.

And finally… Understand that the decision to place your child is just that – A DESCISION. In itself, it is neither good nor bad, selfish or unselfish but it must be what is right for you and Matt. This goes for parenting as well. This is your choice and you should be thinking about YOU and what it is that YOU want. It sounds like you have some great support systems (even tho they can get on your very last nerve at times)

Brenda is a great resource. You can private message her here. Adoption.com Forums - MyPage: bromanchik Look for the Send PM button on the left. She is an expert at giving you the tools you need to make this choice. Unbiased information is what is needed and she can point you in the right direction.

Take care of yourself. Stay here and keep asking questions. This will be OK. ((( Hugs ))) I know how hard this is.

[vbigelow]

Your son deserves to be with his family, rather than strangers, and your parents to have their grandson. Period. If your parents are willing to raise him, they should have first choice. I understand your remarks about not liking or wanting children. I understand that you want to have a career. There is no reason you can't have those things by allowing your parents to raise your son. However, I must agree with Ocean that you will never surrender your child and then just walk away.

[EZ2Luv]

Hi Lyric,
First, let me give you a ((HUG)) and let you know that we here DO care and are here for you.

You have heard from Amoms and Bmoms, now your are going to hear from an adoptee. As a grateful, happy adoptee, that was adopted within the family. My Amom was bmom's sister. Adoption was the BEST thing that could happen for me, but I believe it was only because I was adopted within the family.

I am not against adoption, but adoption is a permanant solution for a temporary problem. I know you say that you do not like kids and never planned on having any, but you are stil young and while it is great to have plans, hopes and dreams, things do change.
I cannot imagine the stress and discord going on in your life right now and I am sorry you are having to go through it. Your parents only mean well for you I am sure though this is still your baby,he is their grandchild.

Please also know that you do not owe anyone your baby and you do not have to make any decisions right away. Take all the time you need with your son and you will know exactly what is right. If you have any doubt what so ever, about giving your baby to these people you met, that is more than likely your heart telling you not to.

Please don't rush to hand your baby over or sign papers. Maybe your parents can take him home and then you can make a decision.

Please read what other birthmoms and adoptees have to say and know that the consequenses of this decision will be something you will live with for the rest of your life. I wish you the best.
EZ

[abjbadopt]

It sounds like you already made a decision and now everyone is trying to change your mind. You sound smart and determined so be strong and do what you think is best, not what anyone else thinks!
I think it would be hard to have your parents raise the baby but that is just an opinion.

Someone said that your baby deserves to be with his family...it is true and his adoptive family WILL be his family too if you choose this. Maybe your parent can have visitation too if you choose adoption.

As an Aparent, my daughter is my family, I am her mom. Her family is mine and mine is hers. Even though we do not know them, we are all connected through a wonderful, beautiful little girl.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by LyricallyUnsound

I'm afraid of what will happen in about two and a half weeks, after I have the c-section, and I see him. I guess maybe that I'll want to change my mind and not sign the papers... but I know that I can't do that. I know it wouldn't be right, because I just know that it's better for him if I give him up, no matter how hard it is. I guess I'm afraid of what a wreck I'm going to be, and how I'm going to survive after this.

With all due respect abjbadopt, this paragraph does NOT sound like she has made her final decision. Placing a child is not a decision that is made once. It is made many times, the hardest being after the baby is born.

I agree with other posters that have said that you don't have to rush into signing anything. You can take your time with your son before you make the biggest decision of your life. It doesn't mean that you can't make the decision to place - no one is trying to talk you out of what you truly want.

Those that have been where you are and have placed children just want to make sure that you take that time to know that it truly is what you want. As much as this may hurt the couple that hope to adopt your son, you have to take care of yourself as well. Any adoptive parents that don't want you to be 100% secure in your decision before placing your child are not the kind of adoptive parents I would want parenting my child.

Best of luck to you in your journey and please come back, ask questions, and keep us updated. We are here for you every step of the way.

[JustPeachy]

I have to second what Oceans said. It is perfectly normal to feel emotional right now. Even if you weren't faced with such a monumental decision, just being pregnant and having your hormones all over the place is going to make you feel emotional. Add to that having to think about what decision will be best for you, your partner, and your child, well, of course you will be feeling all sorts of things. Are you receiving any sort of counseling at this time? It could be very helpful to get an unbiased professional to help you sort through your feelings and emotions. Where does your BF stand in all this? Is he preferring parenting, placing for adoption, or keeping the child in either your or his family? Really, no one can make this decision for you, it is between you and your baby's father. Let it be your decision. Own it. I am forever grateful that my decision to place my child was MY decision. Not my mom's, not the adoption agency's, not my friends or other relatives. It was not easy, but after considering all options, it was the best choice in my circumstances. I had semi-open adoption, and did get letters and photos (and still do). Open was not an option at the time. I also got lots of counseling, both before and after placement. Any way you go, it will be a permanent decision, so give yourself as much time as you need to make it. What is so difficult about making this choice is no matter what you choose, it won't be easy. And there is really no way to tell ahead of time what will be more difficult. What is good is you don't need to be set on a final decision now. See how things go, get informed of your choices, see how you feel after your child is born. You should not be getting pressure either way (to parent or place) from anyone.

[quantum]

As previous posters have said, you have time to make your decision.
I was a freshman in college when I got pregnant. My parents sort of offered to adopt, but that felt just so not right to me.
Now, 23 years later, I know my son and am glad that he was raised in the family he was. Even though it's been hard on me(still is), I do beleive adoption was the right choice for me.
BTW I also thought 'I don't want kids' 'I don't like kids'.
I finally had my first daughter 5 years ago (18 years after I placed my son) and I'm thrilled to have kids now.

I miss the years I've lost with my son. I will never have the relationship that I could have had with him. My heart ached everyday BUT I still feel it was the best decision for us.

Listen to your heart.

[karsonsmom]

Originally Posted by abjbadopt

It sounds like you already made a decision and now everyone is trying to change your mind. You sound smart and determined so be strong and do what you think is best, not what anyone else thinks!
I think it would be hard to have your parents raise the baby but that is just an opinion.

Someone said that your baby deserves to be with his family...it is true and his adoptive family WILL be his family too if you choose this. Maybe your parent can have visitation too if you choose adoption.

As an Aparent, my daughter is my family, I am her mom. Her family is mine and mine is hers. Even though we do not know them, we are all connected through a wonderful, beautiful little girl.

I agree with most of this whole heartedly. Now if you would please bear with me a moment and think about that daughter of your whom you obviously love so much: If she were to become pregnant at the 17 or so, and wanted to place her baby in adoption, can you honestly tell me that you would be completely supportive of that IF AT THE TIME YOU WERE WILLING READY AND ABLE TO ADOPT THE BABY YOURSELF? I am not only a mother but also a grandmother. I have seen and experienced this from every angle (except having placed a child in adoption myself) and I am simply trying to be certain that this young women have a glimpse into the future. This isn't just a little baby as we all know: this child will be a teenager and an adult one day. This young woman might be really glad to have placed her child in a home (her own parents) where she can have a greater degree of certainty that she will always be able to have contact. I wouldn't want any of our posts to lead her to believe that if she is promised the stars and moon from the couple (or any other) that the adoption will be wide open, the truth is the adoptive parents can halt that at any time and sometimes choose to. I don't want her to have false hopes or promises of any kind. And maybe she has good reasons to not place with mom and dad, but the cramped living quarters is the only thing I remember from the original post (I may be wrong). And that really isn't a great reason to not place with her parents. I agree that she doesn't owe them the baby, or anyone else for that matter. But she does have a responsibility to consider what is best for her CHILD as well as herself. And it never hurts to consider what might be best for her own parents, too. After all, she is turned out pretty well, it seems. Maybe they would be great parents to this child. I truly don't mean to come off sounding like I am hounded her to give baby to mom and dad...she may have other reasons not to.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Oceans

To be honest, I would let those in your life know that you are still considering your options and will not be making any final decisions until your son is born. If they try to convince you what is “right” (either one way or the other) then end the conversation. You need support right now, not opinions on what you should do. I would also get a message to the potential adoptive parents that you will not be making up your mind until your son is born. This will take a lot of emotional pressure off you later.

The next step is to educate yourself. I can say, that the choice to place my son is the biggest decision I have ever made and will probably always be. Adoption is not about signing the paperwork and moving on. You will carry this the rest of your life. It maybe the right choice for you but it will leave a mark. If you choose to place, please, please, please get some counseling afterwards. The aparents will pay for it so don’t let that be an issue.

Also, look into open adoption and think about the level of contact that you would be comfortable with. Open adoption can/and does include pictures, updates, phone calls, letters and visitation. Also, have a clear understanding of the level of contact the aparents desire – DO NOT guess about this. It’s just too important.

And finally… Understand that the decision to place your child is just that – A DESCISION. In itself, it is neither good nor bad, selfish or unselfish but it must be what is right for you and Matt. This goes for parenting as well. This is your choice and you should be thinking about YOU and what it is that YOU want. It sounds like you have some great support systems (even tho they can get on your very last nerve at times)

Brenda is a great resource. You can private message her here. Adoption.com Forums - MyPage: bromanchik Look for the Send PM button on the left. She is an expert at giving you the tools you need to make this choice. Unbiased information is what is needed and she can point you in the right direction.

Take care of yourself. Stay here and keep asking questions. This will be OK. ((( Hugs ))) I know how hard this is.

This is very thoughtful and heartfelt from someone who has been there. Thank you Oceans for saying all of this. I couldn't agree more.

FWIW (which ain't much!) if I were the unrelated PAPs in this situation I truly would want to ensure that every other possible option had been explored before this child being placed in our family.