[cetalley]

Darling, my thoughts and prayers are with you....and your beautiful baby, that you love so much to try and make the right choice. I am a natural Mom(birthmother is some eyes), I relinquished 22 yrs ago, twin boys and it will never be the same. For it cannot possibly be so. I went through ,as many ,if not all of what most Moms' went through and for whatever reasons, we made our choices. Only you can know in your heart what you will do when that time comes. PLEASE I implore you to not over-think this so important issue before you have to. Meaning when your child is born, spend as much time as YOU want to spend with your beautiful baby, then and only then will you, not ANYBODY else , know what to do. You can over think something sometimes and make it worse than what it needs to be. Do not allow any ONE person tell you you have to go through with this , if indeed you have the slightest hesitation, I do mean the SLIGHTEST hesitation. It is never to late to change your mind, and believe me they will tell you it is. Look into those beautiful eyes and see what your heart speaks of. As I said do as YOU must do, not what others want of you,... you will know when you hold your baby, what is BEST...for it is a life changing experience you WILL live with the rest of your beautiful days on earth....I was told by a very wise man once, that if you remove a stone from the stream...it will change the flow of that stream forever.....' Life is what happens when making other plans"......GOD BLESS....P.S....I still miss my babies and will not fully appreciate the flow and beauty of that stream...until I put the pebble(s) back!

[kakuehl]

One of the qualities I have always loved about my parents was their ability to let me make my own decisions and to still be there for me. Of course, I've always felt guilty when I feel like I've let them down.

Gabby, have you suggested that your mom come on line and research the positives and negatives of the various decisions that can be made. (adoption, "guardianship", etc) It might help if she heard the stories of some of us.

My mother supported my decision although I know she was terribly hurt that her first grandchild was placed for adoption. I wish she had lived to to meet him.

No matter what you decide, someone it going to disagree. It is your challenge to decide what is the best thing you can do for your child and for yourself. You will live this decision the rest of your life so it needs to be the best decision you can make right now. Trust yourself. (You will also second guess yourself! Don't be surprised when that happens!)

If your mom is seeing a lawyer, you might want to see one too. I honestly don't know the legal ramifications if you are not 18. Are you considering an open adoption?

BTW, it took my mom a long time to realize I truly did love my son. I have always felt I made the right decision in placing him; that doesn't mean it has ever been easy. In the same circumstances today, I believe I would make the same decision.

Know that we will support you regardless of your final decision. None of us can make the decision for you. We can pray that you make the best decision for you and your child.

[EZ2Luv]

Gabby,

I pray that you are not feeling pressed for time in having to make such a life changing decision. Maybe you could have your parents take the baby home with you(assunming you live with them) and then wait to see how things go. Please, I beg you not to make any pressure from PAPs force you into making a decision ASAP. YOUR baby, you take as much time as you need. Many time I see PAPS doing the countdown and I can only imagine the pressure placed on emoms. While I can understand the desire for PAPs to be parents, you do not owe them your baby. If they are meant to be parents, God will find them a baby, it doesn't have to be your baby. I was adopted with family and I honestly believe had I not been I would have had lots of issues thta other adoptees experience. I seriously hope you give your parents the chance and see for yourself if you think it will work out. APs can close up an adoption, but your parents will always be there. They sound like loving people that are doing the best they can to look out for you so you are not hurt longterm. You are going to have a c-section, I will bet that your mother will be right by your side and she will be the fiirst person you call out to. I didn't have a c-section but with every pain of child birth I cried out for my momma. Again, please don't rush. the consequences of this decision will be with you for the rest of your life.

EZ

[Janeytwo]

I am so sorry things are going this way for you.

And to make matters worse my boyfriend has been so distant and not pleasant lately. He says that he knows he can't understand and that he doesn't. He says he might be mad at me if I give it to my family and I asked how he could say that and he says he isn't sure. He isn't sure how he will feel.

You know...he has every right to be upset. Not at you. And I don't think it is at you (at least it seems that way to me). But his rights are being stepped on also here. He has expressed interest in adoption just as you have. From what I am reading the two of you are trying your best to make an intelligent informed decision for the benefit of your child. Yet outside influences press down on you both making it that much harder. As much as you must resent that, I'm sure he does to. He probably sees what this is doing to you and it's eating him up inside.

I feel so bad for you both; so young to face this from others.

I am in agreement with JustPeachy. It doesn't sound like his parents are pushing you (at least you hadn't mentioned that they were so I'm thinking they're not). What, if anything, have they had to say about it? Could they possibly be a source of help or allegiance?

Re your mom's lawyer comment:

I'm sure she loves you and that she only has the best of intentions.......but the road to hell is paved with them. Threatening you with legal action? That is not, in my opinion, a person thinking things through. That is a person reacting to grief. Family situations can get darn ugly. People's needs/wants, heck even their own past pain, can overtake their ability to make rational decisions; can cause them to run over their loved ones without even knowing they're doing it. Anyone who's been party to the funeral of a loved one can attest to this. Not that I'm comparing that to your situation; not at all kiddo.

But in the big life issues such as this; even the wisest of us can lose our way.

It does not seem that your mom is asking herself what could happen in the long run. She's thinking short term. And adoption is anything but.

I honestly don't know what to advise you. Except that you're not whiny. Your scared, confused, feeling alone, grieving and also probably just wanting a resolution, surely just wanting peace.

I am praying that God can sort it all out and that all of you, your family included, can come through this hard time in one piece.

Keep posting Lyricallysound. I can't speak for others of course, but I'm listening.

Much hugs to you today!

Janey

[C_Amos]

Lyricallysound,

Please know that you are in my prayers. I just wanted to write and add my perspective.

My birth mother probably struggled nearly 40 years ago to know if hers was the right decision. She choose to give me to 'strangers' and it was the right choice for me. My only regret as an adult adoptee is that I have not had the chance to let her know just how much I appreciate her carrying me, and making the sacrifice to allow me to have the wonderful parents she allowed me to have.

Thank you for carrying your child, and I wish the very best for both of you whatever you decide.

Blessings,

[mg1970]

Gabby,

Just so you know, most adoption attorneys will do a free initial consult with a woman considering making an adoption plan. Below is a link to a listing of adoption attorneys in the US:

American Academy of Adoption Attorneys - Home

You should know your rights, especially when your family is thinking of asserting their rights. It will also be helpful if you do decide to make an adoption plan in the future. Just make sure that any attorney you consult with is not also the attorney that is speaking with your mom or the potential adoptive couple.

I'm pretty sure that legally you are able to make any decision regardless of what your parents desire and it doesn't matter if you are a minor -- but get that from the lawyer.

M

[Suziebearhugs]

I've been thinking of you and wondering how you and the baby are doing?

I hope we hear from you soon.

[vbigelow]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I was not suggesting they shut off their feelings for their unborn grandchild, but that they butt out with the pressure they are putting their daughter under. Those are two entirely different issues. If they respected Gabby, they would give her the space to make her decision and stop making demands of her, regardless of how they feel about this baby. It's interesting that the father's parents aren't using these tactics. They are expectant grandparents, as well. My mother was an expectant grandmother who let me make my own decision regarding placing my child, despite her feelings, and I'm very thankful she did. It's not that her feelings didn't matter. It's that she knew this was my decision to make and respected that boundary.

These people are fighting for their grandchild and his/her right to remain within his/her own family!!! It has nothing to do with respecting Gabby or not respecting Gabby. You are correct, we don't know why the father's parents aren't fighting to keep the baby in the family. Maybe they've given up hope; maybe they are suffering in silence.
We are such a hypocritical society. People are up in arms about grandparents' rights when a divorce occurs (yes, even in cases involving pregnant wives and new babies), but not in cases of crisis or unmarried pregnancy. I guess children born out of wedlock are still considered to be second-class citizens until magically transformed and sanctified by adoption.
I am completely with the grandparents on this issue. I hope they continue to fight to keep their family member within the family.

[quantum]

I think there is a HUGE difference between grandparents having visiting rights in a divorce situation and grandparents adopting a grandchild.
JMHO
I've posted elsewhere about in-family adoptions so as not to derail this thread further.

[Janeytwo]

Quantum,

You are absolutely right IMO. I will look for your thread and pick up on it.

Janey

[karsonsmom]

Why does the expectant mother (or father) have a "right" to be in the family of origin and the expected child does not? Who decided that the little one has no "right" to be part of his or her birth family, just because bmom or bdad doesn't want him/her to? What about in cases of child neglect and abandonment? The birthparent(s) aren't concerned with the best interests of the child, so are those grandparents to be viewed differently? I will look for other posts/threads/blogs about this, but I'd really like to know the answer to the first question.

[quantum]

I posted a thread to discuss in family adoptions under Birth Family support, I think that's a better place to discuss this! :-)

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by karsonsmom

Why does the expectant mother (or father) have a "right" to be in the family of origin and the expected child does not? Who decided that the little one has no "right" to be part of his or her birth family, just because bmom or bdad doesn't want him/her to? What about in cases of child neglect and abandonment? The birthparent(s) aren't concerned with the best interests of the child, so are those grandparents to be viewed differently? I will look for other posts/threads/blogs about this, but I'd really like to know the answer to the first question.

excellant question karsonsmom!

That question can be included in the aspect of reunion also. Because to often the expectant child, birthchild, adoptive child turned adult doesn't fit into the equation.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Karsonsmom,

I have been nervous to answer this because I don't want to upset anyone but you asked why and wanted honest, respectful answers. I want to honor that request and I am hoping that you will not think I am attacking you in answering. Believe me, that's not the case. I have nothing to gain by hurting another human being, either deliberately or not. There are two questions you have asked, as follows:

Why does the expectant mother (or father) have a "right" to be in the family of origin and the expected child does not?

What about in cases of child neglect and abandonment?

I would like to answer the 2nd question first. This is not a case of child abandonment; it is two people trying to do their best to ensure their child's future because they feel they can't do so themselves at this time.

As for question #1. The expectant mother is in the family; she has been since birth.

That being said, I understand why you're asking this. I have read your threads re. what you're going through with your stepdaughter and have compassion for your position. And I'm not saying that to be facetious or insulting. I do understand and sympathize. But, this is not the same issue/set of unfortunate circumstances you find yourself in. These are not two irresponsible people here. In trying to surrender their child through legal means, they are doing what they feel is right. They both know that they cannot spend their lives witnessing someone else raising their child. IMO, that is a life sentence disproportionate to whatever crime society has deemed them guilty of.

I would submit something else as well....something that perhaps no one has thought of. This is a slippery slope from a legal point of view. Two people pushing their will to adopt a child against the will of the parents; not due to neglect, abuse or abandonement but simply because they want the child.

If this case goes to court and these people win, regardless of how they are related to the child, they may be setting legal precedent for others to do the same. Has anyone considered this?

If we all take a second to think about it, we might agree that that would be a nightmare scenario of Margaret Atwood proportions; women as handmaids.

My opinion for whatever it's worth.

Please do not take this as hurtful or hostile. I have felt for you in your struggles with your stepdaughter and my sincerest wish is for your family to find peace in the midst of what you're all going through.

Janey

[txparents]

Originally Posted by Janeytwo

I would submit something else as well....something that perhaps no one has thought of. This is a slippery slope from a legal point of view. Two people pushing their will to adopt a child against the will of the parents; not due to neglect, abuse or abandonement but simply because they want the child.

If this case goes to court and these people win, regardless of how they are related to the child, they may be setting legal precedent for others to do the same. Has anyone considered this?

Janey

Janey, this issue has gone to court before. I don't have the specific citation, but it was in the 1990s and involved an adult birthmother who had a baby with special needs and chose to place him for adoption. The maternal grandparents wanted the baby and went to court to try to get him. The birthmother supported the adoptive parents, who she'd chosen specifically because of their experience raising children with special needs. It was a large family of both biological and adopted children.

The case was appealed repeatedly, and the end result was that the adoptive parents were able to keep the baby. The court basically said that the birthmother was not unfit in any way, and if she preferred to place her child outside of her family, it was HER decision and could not be overruled by her parents.