[kindredspirit]

I agree with most of the posts above, the decision will be one of the hardest you will ever go through. Since you are still in contact with the father, his has the right to be heard too.

As a birthmother, I too was offered by my parents to adopt my son. I gave it consideration just like all my other choices and found that it was not what I thought would be best for my son nor myself.

Years later, my parents raised my other sisters kids because she did not want them anymore. I saw the struggle my parents went through raising my nephew and neices and knew I made the right choice.

My Dad has gone to heaven now and my sister had to take her kids back. In a way I feel the stress took his life early.

As adoption - open, semi-open or closed is very hard and years later, the pain is still there but I turly feel I did what was best for him and myself. Yes, some adoptive parents will tell you anything to have a chance at a baby, that is why it is so important to build a realtionsip before you go through with it. You have time and hold your baby first and let his father hold him too.

As to my family forgiving me, yes they did and as a matter of fact, my dad and I became closer than we ever were before he passed away. And he even told me that he finialy understood what I went though and would have supported me no matter what.

I do know of some relative adoptive family that do work but it is yours and the fathers decision not anyone elses.


Take your time and listen to your heart.

Good Luck!!

[LyricallyUnsound]

Thanks everybody for the advice.

I'm going in for the c-section this Saturday and I find myself confused and utterly depressed. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel as though in either case, I will end up regretting it for the rest of my life. On the one hand I can keep this child in my family. They seem to think that absolutely nothing will change; that they can just raise it as the guardians and I can go on my way and do whatever I want and it wont be weird at all. But I know that that can't be the case. I know that I'll end up feeling guilty that I could be here to raise it, but I wont be because truthfully, I know that I can't raise it, nor do I want to give up on my entire life. And this will also result in my boyfriend feeling confused as well. Things will never be the same and the child will be just as confused, if not at first then at some point. There's also the matter of telling the wonderful adoptive parents, though I know that I shouldn't be thinking of them first. That's just another thing.
On the other hand, I know that I'll miss it when it goes away no matter what. My mother keeps saying "If you think you'll miss it then you can't give it away" but that doesn't make much sense to me because OF COURSE I'm going to miss it, but it could very well be the right thing. I mean, even though my family would love it, it's going to be very confusing. My mother has a very short temper and is very paranoid, as well as has diabetes, severe back problems, and heart problems. My father is a trucker who's out working quite a bit. My eight year old brother is positively crazy and has ADHD and is a great big hassle. My sister has... well.. her own things. And i know there's going to be extreme difficulty that they aren't seeing. But if I give it away not only do I have to deal with my own depression, I have to deal with watching the grief they go through, which I don't want them to go through. Grief as they take the things they bought for him and give them away. As we all come home with nothing.

****it. I just don't know what to do. And I don't have much time.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by LyricallyUnsound

Thanks everybody for the advice.

I'm going in for the c-section this Saturday and I find myself confused and utterly depressed. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel as though in either case, I will end up regretting it for the rest of my life. On the one hand I can keep this child in my family. They seem to think that absolutely nothing will change; that they can just raise it as the guardians and I can go on my way and do whatever I want and it wont be weird at all. But I know that that can't be the case. I know that I'll end up feeling guilty that I could be here to raise it, but I wont be because truthfully, I know that I can't raise it, nor do I want to give up on my entire life. And this will also result in my boyfriend feeling confused as well. Things will never be the same and the child will be just as confused, if not at first then at some point. There's also the matter of telling the wonderful adoptive parents, though I know that I shouldn't be thinking of them first. That's just another thing.
On the other hand, I know that I'll miss it when it goes away no matter what. My mother keeps saying "If you think you'll miss it then you can't give it away" but that doesn't make much sense to me because OF COURSE I'm going to miss it, but it could very well be the right thing. I mean, even though my family would love it, it's going to be very confusing. My mother has a very short temper and is very paranoid, as well as has diabetes, severe back problems, and heart problems. My father is a trucker who's out working quite a bit. My eight year old brother is positively crazy and has ADHD and is a great big hassle. My sister has... well.. her own things. And i know there's going to be extreme difficulty that they aren't seeing. But if I give it away not only do I have to deal with my own depression, I have to deal with watching the grief they go through, which I don't want them to go through. Grief as they take the things they bought for him and give them away. As we all come home with nothing.

****it. I just don't know what to do. And I don't have much time.

No easy answers for you, sweetie. No matter what you decide there is going to be a lot of pain. Which choice will give you the most peace regarding your child? Hard to know, and no guarantees either way.

I can tell you about having a c-section. It wasn't as painful as I thought, but you are going to be on some medications. They take a while to exit your body.

The reason I mention this, I recommend you don't make any decisions while you are in the hospital. Either decide before you go in, or wait until you are home and somewhat recovered.

It sounds a bit like your family feels guilty and that they should take the baby. That makes them nice people, sensitive to family responsibilities.

However, their guilt and feelings are not a reason to make your decision. What do you feel, what can you handle? That is the basis for the decision.

Just to share--my husband was adopted in Germany in 1954 and it has never made the least difference to him. He was (retired now) a career military officer and we have a wonderful family, and have adopted our nephew. So, adoption all around us!

It's OK to want to have a life, sweetie. You are a young girl--a pregnancy does not mean you have to stop the life you planned to have if you had not gotten pregnant.

It's also OK to feel this is your child and want to keep it. Lots of work, being a parent earlier than you planned, but people do it. It sounds like your parents want to support you with this.

Just don't let guilt make this decision for you. Easy to say, but hard to do--I am sorry for that.

Lots of folks on this site sending you love and support.

[zxczxcasdasd]

You have as much time as you need. There is no ticking clock. Your delivery date is just that- your delivery date, not your decision due date. Give yourself as much time as you need to be sure of a course of action. Do not rush this, do not let yourself be rushed by ANYONE.

Have your baby, take your time with your child, heal from the delivery/surgery before you decide anything.

[karsonsmom]

You brought up some really good and thoughtful reasons for why you think your baby would best be parented by a different family. The fact that your mom thinks that she can be a guardian and that nothing will be weird about that is simply naive. God bless her, I know she loves you and this baby and is only trying to help. I am the one always pulling for babies to stay within the biological family if that is possible, but what you've posted here really shows me you've given alot of serious consideration to this and you may well be right in chosing an adoption plan for this child outside your biofamily. I had a csection also and the earlier post was right: You will be given narcotic pain meds and that, along with the natural hormonal changes that you will be experiencing combine to make this a completely inappropriate time (in the hospital) to make any long-term decisions. If you haven't made any before Saturday, then make them after you come home, but for goodness sake not in the hospital. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I know you are going to make the best decision. I just know it. And whatever it is, you will have lots and lots of support here.

[Janeytwo]

Hi.

Everyone here makes excellent points - most especially RobinKay. She is absolutely 100% correct about c-sections and the drugs that course through your body afterwards. Not only that but the physical stress the body goes through from surgery. Just dealing with that is enough.

I know this is so terribly hard, but try to take a moment for yourself, just breath and try not to hound yourself to make an "on the spot" decision. It is okay if you're confused, frightened, grieving. All of that is natural.

Even just the birthing process can bring on those feelings.

These kinds of decisions are never snap decisions and there's always doubt. That's all right too. This is big stuff kiddo! Don't beat yourself up for not knowing the answer right in this moment. I would love to say anyone made this decision without so much as a "blip" appearing on their radar but I doubt it.

No scratch that actually. I don't think I'd EVER want to meet the person who could make a life decision like this and then go on with the day like they'd just made a decision between having latte or a frapacinno. You know what I mean?

The fact that you are weighing this all out shows you are compassionate and trying your best to do what is right.

I wanted to say something...hope I don't get shredded here!

You know there is a person in here who's had the same sort of situation (well kind of). She had support from her family and opted to surrender her son because she felt it would be best for him. Sometimes I think for people such as yourselves, for people with support, it's just got to be harder to opt for adoption.

Someone like me, a teenaged girl who would've been homeless and my babies too? Well....the way was more clear-cut for me. In a way, the decision was easier. My back was against a wall and I knew it.

May God Bless you my friend. No matter what the outcome is, you are a brave woman.

Janey

[abjbadopt]

Do you have an Aunt, best friend or someone you can talk to who will just listen? Can you find a friend's house to go to visit for a couple of days who will just let you be and think about things w/out your family interfering?

You and the dad have the right to choose what you think is best. If you and your boyfriend stick together and make the decision together then it will be easier to face whoever is going to be hurt.

Can you have a friend stay at the hospital with you too? Someone who will stand up for you. Your parents are trying to support you but if you choose to not give them the baby you will need help/support at the hospital.

I hope all goes well with the birth, I'll be thinking of you!

[Suziebearhugs]

Just remember that your not responsible for the possible adoptive parents (longing and hoping for a child) and your not responsible for your parents (desire to raise their grandchild).

The only one you need to concern yourself with right now is YOU and YOUR BABY. Make your choice with only that in mind. What you feel is best for you and your baby.

Everything else will fall into place. Someone WILL be hurt in the end...likely many people. But in your parents case...they can bring back/sell/give away/ or store for later any items they have bought. For the adoptive parents they can find another child. But what are you and the child left with? A life long decision. One that only you can make and most directly affects you and your child for the rest of your lives.

Try and erase everyone else from the picture. Try not to worry about what they will think or feel and focus on you and the baby.

Try and enjoy this last week of pregnancy and cherish it. Regardless of whatever choice you make, you won't ever get this time back. Take a step back from all the stress and allow yourself a chance to enjoy YOUR Pregnancy/Your Baby. Maybe the answers will come to you if you just take a break from it all.

Everything will be ok. Everything will fall into place as it should. When the time comes you will know your answer and you'll find peace in your decision and know you did the right thing for you and your baby.

[Marimar]

You say you do not have much time.
Adoption can happen in any time..
You can always decide on adoption. But once you signed your papers and once your baby is gone he/she is gone.

So why dont you at least spend some time with your baby .
I think no matter what seperation will not be different you will not love him/her any more or any less.

DO not rush .
Have your moments with your baby.. Have some time to say hi even if at the end you will decide to say goodbye.

[sdncfn]

I am an actress as well and when I became pregnant, I was terrified that I would never get my big break. I know that is a completely selfish thing to think! Especially since I have always wanted kids, but I felt that at the point I was at in my life, I couldn't even take care of a child. It made me feel better to realize that my decision for adoption wasn't solely based on my selfishness, but on other factors such as my wanting a better life for my baby. My family was the same way. My mom wanted to keep the baby, take over parental rights, and raise her. However I knew it wasn't the healthiest thing for me nor her nor the child. I did have to sit down with her and have a very long talk about my feelings and why I considered adoption and she finally listened to me and understood my side. I did even see a counselor who said that what my mom was proposing wasn't the healthiest decision. I did give my daughter a better life and I am so happy that I did. Of course, it is hard at first. Very hard. Being a birth mother is something that you don't just "get over" it isn't a "phase". You always long for that child and think about that child. It's a huge decision and not one to be taken lightly.

They seem to think that absolutely nothing will change; that they can just raise it as the guardians and I can go on my way and do whatever I want and it wont be weird at all. But I know that that can't be the case. I know that I'll end up feeling guilty that I could be here to raise it, but I wont be because truthfully, I know that I can't raise it, nor do I want to give up on my entire life. And this will also result in my boyfriend feeling confused as well. Things will never be the same and the child will be just as confused, if not at first then at some point. There's also the matter of telling the wonderful adoptive parents, though I know that I shouldn't be thinking of them first. That's just another thing.

That's what my mom thought before I had a long talk with her. I sat down and asked her, "Mom, do you really think that nothing will change?" She said that nothing would, but then I explained to her that I would have to go through life acting as though my child was my sibling. My mom would have to start by raising an infant all over again when my sister and I are teenagers and our house wouldn't be big enough for another baby. She eventually realized that things would change big time. I think parents love the idea of raising a child again, especially their first grandchild. Maybe you should sit down and talk with your mom.

On the other hand, I know that I'll miss it when it goes away no matter what. My mother keeps saying "If you think you'll miss it then you can't give it away" but that doesn't make much sense to me because OF COURSE I'm going to miss it, but it could very well be the right thing. I mean, even though my family would love it, it's going to be very confusing. My mother has a very short temper and is very paranoid, as well as has diabetes, severe back problems, and heart problems. My father is a trucker who's out working quite a bit. My eight year old brother is positively crazy and has ADHD and is a great big hassle. My sister has... well.. her own things. And i know there's going to be extreme difficulty that they aren't seeing. But if I give it away not only do I have to deal with my own depression, I have to deal with watching the grief they go through, which I don't want them to go through. Grief as they take the things they bought for him and give them away. As we all come home with nothing.

Any birth mother misses their child, but that isn't a reason to base your decision on. I'm not going to lie -- it's very painful. You have to do what you think is best for yourself and your child. You have to consider your family situation, talk to your family and see their views and their decisions (including siblings, if they're old enough) and base your decision on that as well as your feelings.

Good luck.

[LyricallyUnsound]

I wish my mom and my entire family would really listen and understand like your mother did.
They just don't. Every single one of them is going to be angry at me. They refuse to see this any differently, or think about it the way I'm thinking about it.
And to make matters worse my boyfriend has been so distant and not pleasant lately. He says that he knows he can't understand and that he doesn't. He says he might be mad at me if I give it to my family and I asked how he could say that and he says he isn't sure. He isn't sure how he will feel. But he thinks we'll be okay in the long run.
My gut feeling was to give it up to these people. Shouldn't you always go with your gut instinct? That's what's at heart, right?
My mother this morning was talking about seeing a lawyer, to figure out her rights. She's said some pretty hurtful things but says she's only thinking of me and the baby and that none of them (her, my dad, grandparents) see how I can possibly make a decision when I'm this young. And that they already love him. And they refuse to let him not come home.
In this last week, I feel like no one is truly there for me. Not even my boyfriend, who always has been. Not even my family. Everyone is unable to understand.

At the risk of sounding like a whiny teenager,
Gabby

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by LyricallyUnsound

I wish my mom and my entire family would really listen and understand like your mother did.
They just don't. Every single one of them is going to be angry at me. They refuse to see this any differently, or think about it the way I'm thinking about it.
And to make matters worse my boyfriend has been so distant and not pleasant lately. He says that he knows he can't understand and that he doesn't. He says he might be mad at me if I give it to my family and I asked how he could say that and he says he isn't sure. He isn't sure how he will feel. But he thinks we'll be okay in the long run.
My gut feeling was to give it up to these people. Shouldn't you always go with your gut instinct? That's what's at heart, right?
My mother this morning was talking about seeing a lawyer, to figure out her rights. She's said some pretty hurtful things but says she's only thinking of me and the baby and that none of them (her, my dad, grandparents) see how I can possibly make a decision when I'm this young. And that they already love him. And they refuse to let him not come home.
In this last week, I feel like no one is truly there for me. Not even my boyfriend, who always has been. Not even my family. Everyone is unable to understand.

At the risk of sounding like a whiny teenager,
Gabby

you are not a whiny teenager, you are an expectant mother considering whether to make an adoption plan. It's not fair to be in this position so young, but here you are. It sounds like you are trying to make the best decision you can for your child.

Thinking of you--wish I could offer magic words of advice.

[JustPeachy]

My mother this morning was talking about seeing a lawyer, to figure out her rights. She's said some pretty hurtful things but says she's only thinking of me and the baby and that none of them (her, my dad, grandparents) see how I can possibly make a decision when I'm this young.

You have rights, too, and I hope you have someone helping you to understand them. All of them, no matter what you decide.

You are not a whiney teenager, but a very articulate young woman who, I believe, is perfectly capable of making this decision. Are you getting unbiased, outside counseling of some sort? I'm afraid if you let your parents/grandparents make this decision for you and it turns out to be entirely wrong for you, you will be in a much worse position than if you make the decision for yourself. At least, then, you can OWN IT.

I do hope you and the baby's father are at least researching your rights in every scenario (parenting, placing child with family, or choosing another adoptive family). IMO, everyone else should BUTT OUT with the pressure they are putting on you. You already know it is an option for your family to either help you or adopt this baby. You don't need them forcing you to bend to their will.

[karsonsmom]

I understand that Gabby needs our support and I join with all the other in offering it, but may I suggest that it is really not possible for the grandparents of this baby to simply "butt out". Until you are an expectant grandparent, maybe you really can't quite grasp the feelings you have for your grandchildren (even those still in utero) but I can tell you, it is very, very powerful and might suggest something to you about how these grandparents feel about GABBY that they feel so strongly about her baby. I agree that they really need to try to be supportive of what she decides, but they can't turn their feelings for their own grandchildren own and off. Good luck, Gabby, we are all pulling for you, darling.

[JustPeachy]

I was not suggesting they shut off their feelings for their unborn grandchild, but that they butt out with the pressure they are putting their daughter under. Those are two entirely different issues. If they respected Gabby, they would give her the space to make her decision and stop making demands of her, regardless of how they feel about this baby. It's interesting that the father's parents aren't using these tactics. They are expectant grandparents, as well. My mother was an expectant grandmother who let me make my own decision regarding placing my child, despite her feelings, and I'm very thankful she did. It's not that her feelings didn't matter. It's that she knew this was my decision to make and respected that boundary.