[mg1970]

This must be a very stressful time for you and your family. It's hard to know what the right decision is when everyone is telling you what to do instead of listening to you. I hope you can find some impartial person who knows you and your family well who can help you sort out your options. Do you have a close family friend or clergy member who you can call on to help mediate?

I think this kind of crisis can put any family to test, and I can't really judge from what you told me if your mother's controlling behavior is unusual or typical.

I think I would try to have a real heart-to-heart with her and ask her:
1) Does she really want to adopt and raise another child for 18+ years and put them through college -- or is her plan to help out until you can take over? What is your opinion about this plan?
2) What would her expectations be of you in this parenting deal? Will there be constant guilt trips about the sacrifice she is making for you?
3) What about your plans for college or musical career -- what support had they promised before and would that deal be on or off in both situations? Can they afford to take on another child and send you to college? Are they threatening not to support you if you decide to make an adoption plan?
4) Is she prepared to support you in any decision you choose?

I guess what really concerns me about your situation is that your family is not listening to what YOU want, they are being really pushy about what THEY want. You didn't say this, but if they are threatening not to forgive you if make this adoption plan, or threatening to kick you out or not send you to college -- well then I might have a real hard time trusting my family and I might be more likely to choose adoption because at least that is a choice I can control. (That's just me).

I agree with everyone that you don't need to make a decision before the birth. I would give the potential adoptive family a heads up that you aren't sure what you are going to do. Don't feel pressure that you need to make this decision before or immediately after the birth.

You are in my thoughts.

M

[FullQuiverMamma]

Loving family beats out total strangers...pm me if you want to talk...

[MamaS]

I am an adoptive mother who adopted both two "total strangers" and then adopted my grandson. I love my adopted daughters just as deeply as if they were blood. When my younger daughter became pregnant at 19 and could not parent, I took in my grandson and adopted him.
The adoption of my grandson changed my relationship with my daughter. Even though it was what we wanted, she felt "shut out" because suddenly she was her son's "sister" and I was making the decisions about his pediatrician, daycare, church attendance, even his clothing. She didn't always like my decisions, but she didn't have the right to parent anymore. Also, she felt like I "chose him" over her and then she felt guilty for being jealous of her own baby and guilty for being angry with me for doing exactly what she asked me to do.
He is now almost six years old and I am six years older. I am retired and money is tight. I can't be a "young mother" who teaches her son how to ride a bike, or throws a football with him in the back yard. I am beginning to have health problems and am just hoping that I will be able to see him through to HS graduation.
Sometimes I think a young couple with time, money, and health would have been a better choice. I pray you make the best choice for your baby and not be pressured or guilted into a choice you -- and your child-- will regret.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by LyricallyUnsound

My family really doesn't want me to give the child up for adoption. They want to keep it, and have told me they'd raise it in this tiny little house that we have. I know for a fact that this is not the best thing for him, and not only that, but, at the risk of sounding selfish, it's not the best thing for me either. They've made me feel really guilty. Though technically they've been supportive in the fact that they haven't kicked me out, killed my boyfriend, taken me to all my appointments and so on, they haven't been supportive on the whole giving him up for adoption front. It's been a very big ordeal, a lot of mental stress on me, a lot of fighting, and now my parents and my boyfriend are fighting. *Sigh* My mother especially just won't let it go, and it's brought up every day. So many different fights have occurred that I'm surprised I haven't gone into early labor.

I guess I'd just like some advice on how to deal with this, if at all possible. Or just any support at all. I know that there are people on here who have probably gone through things just as difficult and definitely more difficult. If anyone could advise me as to how to not fall apart, I'd really appreciate it.

I guess I'm unsure what your parents are saying: will they legally adopt your baby or will they be supporting you while you raise him/her? I was a college senior when I gave birth to my firstborn and my mom offered to care for him until I "got on my feet" - finished college and got a job,etc. It was not the best option for me or D for many reasons. It took my mom a long time to understand that I did love him, and I'm not sure she ever quite forgave me for "giving away" her flesh and blood.

This is going to be painful not matter what you do. Please get some unbiased counseling. I agree that Brenda is a wonderful resource. Remember that there is no one right answer; you need to find the best answer for you and your situation. 36 years later I still believe I made the best decision for both D and myself. That doesn't mean it has been easy. I think I've cried an ocean of tears over the years (but knowing me, I'd have cried an ocean, for other reasons, if I'd raised him myself, LOL)

This is your decision. I will hold you in my prayers.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Lyrically Unsound,

Hi. I'd like to say that I think Oceans advice is excellent.

I am looking back on when I surrendered my babies up, I was just 17. It was hard to know who I really was then, let alone to make such a deep life-altering decision.

I respect you for coming here to get advice. A lot of people your age might not even have the foresight to do so.

One thing I will tell you about adoption. It gets harder to live with as the years progress. There is no denying that but it is survivable if you feel it is the best thing for you and your son.

A couple of things. Your parents wanting to raise your son. I am wondering if that would be a good thing for any of you. That is not to say that their intentions aren't honorable - I'm sure they are.

But in family especially, lines can get crossed. Your parents may come to see your baby as their baby and while this might not be a problem for you now, it may well become one in the future. I can imagine nothing harder than surrendering a child and then seeing that child being raised by others on an almost daily basis. IMO that would be torture. Also, it would be hard on Matt I think.

Even if your parents are hoping to just "bide thier time" in the belief you'll change your mind...still, that is a sticky situation. It also puts you under the pressure of what the ramifications will be to you within your family if you don't do as they want you to do.

You may want to cover that ground with them.

Also, the people in here who told you you don't owe the hopeful adoptees anything are correct. Right now, you only owe it yourself to slow down, get help thru therapy and continue to talk to women in here. Also, continue of course to keep up the communication between yourself and Matt. It sounds like you guys have a solid foundation of respect and honesty which is of enormous help in this situation.


Many people here do understand that the next few months will be difficult. I don't think anyone would say otherwise. But hope you know that they are here for you, if only to hold your hand (e-wise) and listen.

Wishing you some peace today.

Janey

[vbigelow]

Originally Posted by abjbadopt

Someone said that your baby deserves to be with his family...it is true and his adoptive family WILL be his family too if you choose this. Maybe your parent can have visitation too if you choose adoption.

I think we said that a baby (who is helpless and has no voice in the decision about whether or not to separate him/her from his/her genetic family) deserves every chance to grow up in that genetic/ biological family. That does not mean that an adoptive family is not a family. I'm sure you are a wonderful mother to your daughter. However, here is a situation where a child has that opportunity to grow up in its family rather than relinquished to people with no biological/genetic ties and, therefore, it is my firmly-held opinion that if this young woman and her boyfriend don't choose to raise the child, he/she should be raised by his/her grandparents.

[taramayrn]

You know - I've been thinking - I know this decision is so hard to make and I remember almost wanting someone to tell me what to do when I was making the decision to place.

But - you need to search your heart (as corny as that sounds) and do your research about your options and only YOU can tell yourself what the right answer is. Only you can make this decision.

[finallyfree05]

I know how you are feeling. Although, I do have more time to think about it. I'm 21 years old, 17 weeks pregnant, I'm married but when I told husband I'm pregnant, he dropped me off at a friends house and left. He went home to live with his mother (I'm assuming), and I haven't talked to him since. Honestly, I would give ANYTHING for a member of my family to be willing to adopt my child. That way I would always know FOR SURE if he/she was ok. I too have thought about open adoptions, but the other posts are right, they don't always work out. My fear is that I wont be able to care for my child the way he/she deserves.
I wish you the best of luck, I'm sorry that the answer you're looking for isnt just laid out there for you, but it truly is a decision only you can make. Consider not placing him right away, who knows, maybe once you have that little life in your arms you'll want to parent, with the support of your family, I'm sure you would do just fine. Good luck. PM me if you want to talk sometime.
((((Hugs))))

[Janeytwo]

Hi.

I'm 21 years old, 17 weeks pregnant, I'm married but when I told husband I'm pregnant, he dropped me off at a friends house and left. He went home to live with his mother (I'm assuming), and I haven't talked to him since.

My God! My sympathies to you! I wouldn't know where to put my anger!

You know this happened to a friend of my eldest daughter. The friend was engaged to be married and one week before the wedding discovered she was pregnant...not far along...just about 6 weeks or so.

She told her fiancee figuring that he'd be thrilled. He called off the wedding that second and threw her out of the house that he'd bought. (Unfortunately her name wasn't on the mortgage). HOnestly, he picked her up and threw her into the street!

I can tell you her father wanted to shoot that jerk right then and there! I think he said something along the lines of sticking his double-sawed off in the guy's face and relieving him of his problems permanently.

Can't say as I blame him either. If someone did to my daughter what was done to you, I'd want to strangle that person with my bare hands!

And now you're faced with the decision to surrender your baby.

My heart goes out to you!

Janey

[Janeytwo]

Hi. It's Janey again,

I saw you started a thread re. your problems with your marriage and the baby but I haven't had a chance to read it yet.

I was just wondering how you were doing though.

I was thinking about your situation a lot yesterday and was wondering if you should contact an attorney. If it's a matter of money, you might find you qualify for legal aide.

I'm only suggesting this because whether he likes it or not, your husband has certain obligations to you. Aside from the moral ones which are between him and his conscience, he also has financial obligations to you and to the baby.

Just my opinion here - but I don't feel his actions should force you into having to consider adoption.

Sincerely,

Janey

[karsonsmom]

Originally Posted by Janeytwo

Dear Lyrically Unsound,

Hi. I'd like to say that I think Oceans advice is excellent.

I am looking back on when I surrendered my babies up, I was just 17. It was hard to know who I really was then, let alone to make such a deep life-altering decision.

I respect you for coming here to get advice. A lot of people your age might not even have the foresight to do so.

One thing I will tell you about adoption. It gets harder to live with as the years progress. There is no denying that but it is survivable if you feel it is the best thing for you and your son.

A couple of things. Your parents wanting to raise your son. I am wondering if that would be a good thing for any of you. That is not to say that their intentions aren't honorable - I'm sure they are.

But in family especially, lines can get crossed. Your parents may come to see your baby as their baby and while this might not be a problem for you now, it may well become one in the future. I can imagine nothing harder than surrendering a child and then seeing that child being raised by others on an almost daily basis. IMO that would be torture. Also, it would be hard on Matt I think.

Even if your parents are hoping to just "bide thier time" in the belief you'll change your mind...still, that is a sticky situation. It also puts you under the pressure of what the ramifications will be to you within your family if you don't do as they want you to do.

You may want to cover that ground with them.

Also, the people in here who told you you don't owe the hopeful adoptees anything are correct. Right now, you only owe it yourself to slow down, get help thru therapy and continue to talk to women in here. Also, continue of course to keep up the communication between yourself and Matt. It sounds like you guys have a solid foundation of respect and honesty which is of enormous help in this situation.


Many people here do understand that the next few months will be difficult. I don't think anyone would say otherwise. But hope you know that they are here for you, if only to hold your hand (e-wise) and listen.

Wishing you some peace today.

Janey

Well, the reason her parents might think of the baby they adopt as their baby would be because it WOULD BE THEIR BABY. While I do appreciate what you are saying, and can certainly vouch for the fact that family relationships might well change, if this expectant mother releases her child to be adopted by her parents then she will be the child's sister and the child will be her parent's child.

That may not be "what is best" for the expectant mother-I don't know. But I thought we were talking about what was best for the baby. I am sincerely confused...I am not trying to be sarcastic. Are we talking about what is best for the baby or the expectant mother, in the event that maybe what is best for one is not what is best for the other? I happen to think what is best for her is also likely best for the baby, but just to clarify. And I don't mean to sound like I am attacking anyone, because I tend to agree with most all the things posted by the others and do have the strong sense that everyone is very caring toward this young woman.

[Janeytwo]

Hi Karsonsmom,

Thanks for the return response. I can see how I might've worded what I said a little differently.

if this expectant mother releases her child to be adopted by her parents then she will be the child's sister and the child will be her parent's child.

Being a birthmother I cannot imagine going from being the mother of the baby to being relagated to the title of sister of the baby.

Forgive me but that would be an emotional quagmire of enourmous proportions, in my opinion.

I read the posts of women here who have Open Adoptions. Some of them work out very well, but often there is lonliness and broken promises and a feeling of being cheated. And these are women who give their children up to non-relatives. Still, they struggle with thier decision.

But a young woman who places her child with her immediate family and then watches day after day, year after year, as that child grows up practically under her nose? Having her child think of her as a sister and all the while she's the child's mom?

That's asking a great deal of anyone. As a mother placing myself in this girl's shoes if she were to do this? Well.....I believe the resentment and anger would only grow. The underlying thought in my brain would always be, "That is my child!"

And I suspect (though I can't say because I don't know this family) that the strain between her and her parents would grow to the point that it would possibly destroy their relationship with one another.

And then everyone loses - including the child.

Are we talking about what is best for the baby or the expectant mother

Again, it may be that it would all work out extremely well for all concerned. But knowing the haunting pain of surrendering a child, I am forced to say I very much doubt this would be the case.

As I said adoption gets harder and harder to live with as each year goes by. Surrendering a child is difficult enough, surrendering it to family and standing on the sidelines........that would be heart-wrenching, if not **** near impossible (IMO)

I am sure the parents feel they only have everyone's best interests in mind. But are they being realistic in what they are asking their daughter to do?

Or are they the ones that are putting their needs above their own child's?

Respectfully,

Janey

[Suziebearhugs]

A child does not have the RIGHT to be raised by their biological relatives and biological relatives should not have first choice in the matter.

The mother who is expecting the child HAS THE RIGHT to look at ther situation and family relationships and choose for her child the parents that she feels will be the best for her child.

Relative adoptions can be a wonderful option, but sometimes it's not what's best for the mother and the child.

Adoption within a family can change the dynamics of a family. Sometimes making it harder on the birthmother, sometimes making family get togethers/holidays more difficult for the birthmother, sometimes the birthmother may feel like an outsider, or may feel like she's lost her own family support system in the process.

Only the expectant mother can know her situationa dn her family enough to decide wether relative placement would be a good option.

My advice to the OP'r would be to follow your heart and don't let other people pressure you into making a decision. Consider all your options, even the option of parenting and put a plan in place for all your options.

Once the baby is born don't be afraid to kick everyone out of the room and spend some private time with your baby to think and pray about what is right for both you and the child. If you don't feel confident in a certian decision then allow yourself more time.There isn't a time limit, you could bring your baby home with you or place the child in a foster home while you give yourself more time to consider your options. If you do feel confident in what you believe is right for your baby then move foreward in that direction and try and ignore any that may try and sway you in another direction.

Above all it is your BABY, your decision. You will make the right choice for you and your child.

[quantum]

Thank you Suzie and Janey for expressing how I feel about in-family adoptions. My parents kind of offered to raise my son as my brother and I KNOW that would have just screwed everyone up.

Maybe they work for some people. I can just speak from how I think it would have gone for me...


Suzie ends with some good advice though. It is YOUR baby, YOUR decision. You will know what's right. It won't be easy, whatever you decide in the end, but it will be RIGHT. (if you follow your heart)

[dpen6]

So then, its ok for the child to lose their biological connections, there very idenity to prevent the pain of the bmom?

I have often been reprimmaned that adoption is not just about the adoptee and in this caser I say its so very true. Its not just about the bmom and her pain either. WE have a new family member that is about to be borna ND THE GOING ATTItUTE IS TO GIVE THIS CHILD TO STRANGERS AS IT IS EASIER?

Isn't it better to keep this family together,albeit with couseling ? The sister/mother thing has happened quite often and as painful as it may be at lwast the child knows their biology. If mom cany take care of them who better then grandparents that are ableto love them also. That is barring any abuse of the children in question.

Why does the grandparents need to adopt? Why don'y they just have gaurdianship?