[mybaby2007]

Not sure if you all remember me, but last year I had a baby and made an adoption plan. Things are going well for the most part, but most days I struggle with what I have done.

Now, I have a friend who is faced with an unplanned pregnancy and she too wants to make an adoption plan for her child. She knows of my situation and has asked for my help in finding a family for her baby. I am not sure I can do this. How do I lead someone down the painful path I lead everyday? She is set on placing, do I have the right to try and change her mind? Should I?

HELP!

[kelceesmom]

I don't think you have the right to change her mind but you can try and educate her on what you went thru. I think she needs to find someone to talk to that has a biased opinion too. So, maybe you aren't the best option but it is good to hear of what some of the feelings could be if placing. So, that was all over the board so not much help. Sorry.

[taramayrn]

You have the right, if she asks, to tell her YOUR experience.

[Found at last]

My,

Send her here. Let her read all of these birthparents' posts. Bring her to the chatroom on Wednesday night. Birthparent Chat night.

[Jackiejdajda]

She knows of my situation and has asked for my help in finding a family for her baby. I am not sure I can do this.

If you can't do it you can't do it..
Take care of you.. You could even write down what you did in order to relinquish and she could do what she wants from your written words.. the procedure.. etc..

But if you can't handle the emotions of giving a baby up so soon.. don't do it..
Be honest and continue on with your healing.. and grief..

I am so sorry for your loss..

Jackie

[Untbunny]

My dear-You are a kind to consider sharing your story. Your friend has asked for assistance. Consider if you don't share your experience with her. Will you feel bad for not trying to help her understand? In most cases, you would feel worse. Go ahead with an open mind knowing that she will be equipped with all the information necessary to make an informed decision.

Peace and blessings to you. I am sorry for your difficulty.

[calimomX3]

It is a hard choice for anyone to make. Just tell her your experience and how you feel today about the choice you made. I wouldn't try to change her mind tho, if she feels in her heart this is what she needs to do, then changing her mind might make things more confusing for her. good luck sweetie

[DallasGirl]

As a friend, I think you could expect to tell her that she is courageous for giving life, celebrate that decision she has made. I would caution you to tell her your issues are the way it is, because she may experience it or deal with it differently. If your friend is not ready to parent, the best for the baby is the selfless thing to do, and support her. You might share while it is the best thing you did for your baby (if you believe that), that in your heart you miss the baby.
That is real. There are some good post-placement support groups and also if she is not wanting an agency, she might consider that she might want support navigating these unchartered waters she personally has never been through, and it might well be the hardest thing she has ever gone through. She might just meet with 2-3 agencies and see how the Lord leads her before she says no to an agency. North Texas has some great ones, but I probably can't refer without getting into trouble on these boards. Peace.

[mybaby2007]

Thanks for the advice so far. She and I will be meeting for lunch tomorrow to discuss the most important things in a family for her baby. I have decided not to sugar coat anything for her, not going to try and change her mind, but definitely going to let her know this is not an easy road to travel.

She has some time to find a family if indeed this is what she really wants to do, and for now it seems she is definitely wanting to place. I just really, really hope she knows what she is doing

[calimomX3]

The best thing you can do is be her friend. Everyone handles things differently. Hang in there for yourself as well. Sounds like you are a courages person as well to give your baby the best life you could at that point in your life.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by mybaby2007

Thanks for the advice so far. She and I will be meeting for lunch tomorrow to discuss the most important things in a family for her baby. I have decided not to sugar coat anything for her, not going to try and change her mind, but definitely going to let her know this is not an easy road to travel.

I would definately give her your unvarnished truth. I would not tell her she is being selfless and couragous. Too many expectant moms buy into the line that placing is selfless and couragous then feel cowardly and selfish if they consider parenting.

I would tell her that there is no easy solution to an unplanned pregnancy but that she does owe it to her child to exhaust parenting options. I have come to this from the adoptees I have talked to. One sopecifically said to me. "I want to know my mom did everything to keep us together, that adoption was not the best option, but her only option." Family preservationis practiced in older child adoption all the time. Terminating parental rights is always the last resort. Why should infant adoption be any different?

[thanksgivingmom]

I would definitely remind her that placing is a permanent solution to a temporary situation.

[mybaby2007]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

I would definitely remind her that placing is a permanent solution to a temporary situation.

This is very good advice, however since I last posted, she has decided that this is the only solution. She is placing! I am helping her look at profiles in hopes that I can at least help her find a couple that will be honest and open to her having contact with them and the baby.

Anyone have any advice on how to know the adoptive parents are being honest?

[kelceesmom]

I don't think you can know for sure and it goes both ways. It is a leap of faith. I think intuition will have to play a huge part in it. I hope your friend has some peace with her decision. I also hope she knows that it is ok to change her mind at any time.

[taramayrn]

I don't know that there is a sure fire way to know if the potential adoptive parents are honest or not. Like Denice said, I also believe alot of it is a gut feeling. For me, I thought that if I went with a reputable agency and placed with someone who was already in an open adoption then I would be guaranteed an open adoption as well. While I still believe this, I don't think that means one should exclude first time adoptive parents from their search.